Am I mental?

Who is Genevieve? She didn’t exist when I first crossed dressed at the age of 15, but she was in her embryotic stage. It took a further 35 years for her to evolve.

Like the first time I stood on a surfboard at the age of 13 and became addicted to surfing and still am, my crossdressing was to become an addiction or so I thought, until I realized that this was who I was, Genevieve.

It wasn’t until some 10 years later that I started to wear knickers, pantyhose and sometimes bras under my work clothes. Suites do come in handy, as do jumpers. I would sit at my desk thinking what would people say and being 1976, I knew what they would say. I felt good about myself and it made me feel sexy. I was going against the mold.

One night in 1977/8 my flat mate had gone to visit her family so one night I borrowed one of her dresses and drove to the beach and went for a long walk. It was exhilarating and I felt a sense of freedom, but there was also the fear of being seen and suffering the consequences. Fortunately this didn’t happen and so I spent time with my soul mate, the ocean.

I will digress for a moment as over the next two years I had same sex relationships, this made me realise that not only was I a crossdresser but also bisexual. Funnily enough this did not bother me as I enjoyed the experiences.

In 1980 I had to hide my wearing of lingerie as I had started a relationship and when my partner found me with knickers on, I stopped.

Five years later when in another partnership (I am still with this woman), I discussed with her my bisexuality and my crossdressing. She assisted me with my dressing by buying my lingerie and seemed accepting of who I was. I never dressed in front of her two children and have not to this day.

I would wear my lingerie to parties, barbecues and to work. This became the norm for me and when alone during the day I would fully dress and do the house work, ironing, washing etc. Sound familiar! I would also go out into the yard and relax. I was comfortable.

After about 10 years, this came to an abrupt halt, for reasons unbeknown to me and I still don’t know, so it was back to the closet. Funnily, as we both had the same size feet, when she bought new high heels, if they were tight, she would ask me to break them in. Of course I said no, NOT.

I then started to shop for myself, buying make-up, dresses skirts, blouses lingerie etc. and hiding it.

I would have dress-up days when sick or I took annual leave and go for a drive. On weekends when I got up to go and check the surf I always wore a bra and knickers to the beach and if I went for a surf I would change.

About eight years ago I responded to and add advertising women’s clothing and this was when everything changed. Sam was in the progress of transitioning and through her I met other crossdressers and TG’s. Her house was a refuge for us to dress and sit inside or out and discuss politics, life, clothing etc.

I was referred to as Genevieve and this boosted my confidence in being me and allowing me the opportunity to dress more in company. My application of make-up improved as did my feminism. I started a course of hormones but because of the home situation I ceased this. My partner discovered I was still dressing and told me I should seek counseling . I informed her that I did not have a mental illness that this was me being me.

Sam and I were shopping one day when she introduced me to a friend (dressed in drab) and she used my male name and I corrected this by informing the gentleman my name was Genevieve. For me this was a huge step and made me feel good about myself.

As I got to know Sam I realized I wasn’t the only with issues and we talked about her sexuality as she had been questioning her reasons for transitioning. We still have these conversations but she is now more accepting of being female.

I am Genevieve in a closet and it has been so nice to be welcomed by those members of Crossdressing Heaven who have contacted me. Thank you for everything. Bye the bye, I still dress whenever I can, but being in London in shared accommodation has made this harder.