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Am I really trans gendered?

9 Posts
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Posts: 60
Duchess
Topic starter
(@lacygirl)
Trusted Member     United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

My name is Ellie derived from my first name and let's say that I'm older than most girls on this site. I first wore women's lingerie at a very young age and got some positive support from the Minnesota relatives that thought it was cute. I continued with trying on my mothers nylon stockings and getting into her dresser to try on soft things. I was about 10-11 that I started wondering why I felt so attracted to all things female. I spent hours scouring the Sears catalog and national geographic. I thought God had made a mistake with me and wished I had been born female. I prayed at night to God that I wake up in the morning a girl. Once I hit puberty all bets were off. I stole lingerie from the neighbors clothes line and borrowed my sisters things for self gratification. I also got into pornography and it and the clothes became an addition. During this time I also dressed with a boy that lived behind my house, he had older sisters with lots of nice underthings to wear and even petty coats. I wasn't very involved socially with girls in high school so. I pretty much isolated my self or hung out with a few male friends. I enlisted in the military and the cross dressing faded but the porn and self gratification continued. I had a few girl friends during this time but it was all just straight sex. I went to college and came out of my shell and had a great time with all the coeds who were younger than me. I met a girl and we dated for three years and we got married and moved to Alaska and started a family. She had lots of lingerie and the CD started up again and lasted for 37 years until she caught me in the fall of 2017. She said my CD was a marriage killer and asked me to stop....it only lasted 6 months and I was at it again until she caught me again in the fall of 2018. I didn't know that at the time she had started on divorcing me. I was kicked out of the house January 2019 and entered a treatment center. Much to my surprise I finally admitted to another person the true extent of my fascination of wearing women's garments and how much guilt and shame I felt. I met with a therapist, counselor, and a psychiatric MD. They all told me that there isn't anything wrong with what I was doing. The therapist was convinced after 8 weeks of therapy that I was possibly trans gendered and suggested I write a letter to my estranged wife and let her know that I can't continue to live in the closet, Ellie needed to be part of the marriage. After  I read the letter she didn't have much to say and left shortly afterward. A week later (February 13th) she came to the treatment center and asked me for a divorce, that she could not be married to a cross dresser or someone who was transgendered. I wrote a letter to my children outlining my situation and they were shocked and have been very angry with both me and my ex.   That was 10 months ago, the divorce is complete, I live in one of my rentals with a roommate who encourages me to dress as I please. I've been out several times to dinner and to a 12 step meeting. Most recently I flew from San Diego to Seattle as Ellie and had a blast. I have seen a gender therapist and told her this story and she is so supportive of my situation. I thought I was gender fluid but now believe I'm transgendered. I'm transitioning right now with growing out my hair and eventually want to have breast implant surgery. Don't plan on anything south of the boarder for now. I also want to do HRT and work on hair removal. I know this has been a long post and would appreciate any feedback you might have. Ellie Mae

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8 Replies
Posts: 0
Guest
(@Anonymous)
New Member
Joined: 1 second ago

WOW what a story you have. Some times when i dress i wonder what it would be like to be a woman 24/7. I think that wearing all of the pretty things would be the biggest plus but putting up with all the other society's crap would be a hassle. Yet if i was younger, had unlimited money, i would seriously consider it. But for now I enjoy just wearing and pretending to be.

Good luck with your journey.

Jennifer

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Posts: 619
Lady
(@jessica63)
Honorable Member     South Yorkshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

Hi Ellie,

Welcome, it is lovely to meet you.

Thank you for sharing your story, I hope everything works out for you.  You will find lots of friendly people here and also plenty of support.  I look forward to seeing you around the site and I am happy to chat anytime.

Jessica x

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Posts: 249
Lady
(@sammatha)
Reputable Member     BELFAST, County Antrim, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

Thank you for sharing your very personal private story.

Yo arecamong wonderful people in cdh.

Enjoy

Samantha x

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Posts: 1353
Duchess
(@augustvaliant)
Noble Member     Long Island, New York, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Hi Ellie Mae !

Welcome to CDH ! Thank you for sharing your story in such detail. I hope that your children get over their anger and come to accept you as you truly are. It sounds like you are on a good track. The ladies here are friendly and love to share their experiences, advice and tips so don't be shy and feel free to participate.

Hugs

Autumn

 

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Posts: 135
Lady
(@soyangela)
Estimable Member     San Diego, California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Welcome to CDH Ellie. I'm sorry to hear about your family and hope they let go of their anger. This is a good place to meet others like ourselves.

Angela

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Posts: 3151
(@mnewman111)
Famed Member     Fort Lauderdale, Florida, United States of America
Joined: 7 years ago

Welcome Ellie!

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Posts: 210
Lady
(@sandychase)
Estimable Member     Atlanta, Georgia, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Great post Mae! Our stories are so similar. Older mom’s clothes, neighbors,wife problems, etc. Not sure about trans yet. Best of luck! Lol Sandy

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Posts: 210
Lady
(@sandychase)
Estimable Member     Atlanta, Georgia, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

It’s Sandy. I just don’t know about going all the way with the transition thing. I have begun considering the idea but this point in my life it would be difficult to deal with. I have a caring wife that doesn’t really understand Sandy but tolerates her to a certain extent. I wear night gowns at night and occasionally wear a conservative skirt around her but shy away from makeup and jewelry while she’s home. I am fortunate enough to have a secluded back yard with a pool and wear my one piece bathing suits most of the summer but she makes no comment one way or the other. She has said before that she always thought I was gay.
Who knows, I don’t. I always wonder what to do. I guess this is enough for today perhaps more later! Lol, Sandy

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