Community is the first step in healing...

Hello, my name is Andi. Andi with an I.

Since I was in high school I've always associated with the opposite sex better than my own, and over the years I struggled with confusion. At first I thought I liked a lot of the girls I knew in a sexual way, but I began to realize that that wasn't the case; I wanted to be like them. Beautiful, social, spontaneous, bold, and close. I struggled as the male in a mostly female circle and was excluded from a lot of activities. I always took it so personal, but I didn't know how to explain it to them at the time. After high school, we lost touch.

Over the years I've learned to accept what I wanted most in life, and decided I wanted to be female. I want to dress classy, go to fun events, have a girls' night out, sleepovers, all that jazz. For me, I want it all the time but I don't have the time for it. I work two jobs and rarely get a day off. On top of that, my fiance of nine years whom I love more than anything is still adjusting to my recent revealing of this. She supports my happiness, but we're both growing in this together. I would pursue a full transition if not for her happiness, so we compromise. We can go out some days with me as her handsome man, and others as her beautiful and reportedly very passable girlfriend.

I used to have a circle of friends, it lasted for a year. I admitted to these girls how I wanted to identify one night in a drunken and panicked depression at our usual pub. I was eventually accepted and began dressing in public. Rarely, but we had a few times out where we made a day of it. It helped me cope with anxiety, depression, and paranoia. I only went out with them. My issues caught up to me lately and this friendship became strained. I depended on it so much to be myself, and when it ended I became flooded with all the problems I thought were gone. Now I have panic attacks daily, my chest hurts, and lately I've started feeling dizzy. I tried to go out once on my own afterwards, and left the bar crying hysterically when a table of girls behind me started laughing and looking my way. It was probably unrelated but my paranoia kicked into full gear.

The worst part is they're getting along just fine. Even found a guy to replace me. And he has gender identity issues too.

Wanted to tell my mom about all of this. She drinks heavily when there's something in the family she considers dysfunctional. I have a cousin who is going through gender reassignment, and she had nothing but poison about the decision. "I couldn't imagine any of my kids doing shit like that." I feel like I have nobody to turn to except a therapist, and we're playing phone tag.

I just want friends. I want to put it all past me and have fun, new memories. I want to be close to people without feeling like I'm hiding something! So I'm joining this site as a first step in moving forward. If I'm not alone, I know I'll be okay. It's a pleasure to meet all of you.