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Hi everyone. I'm brand new here. Very glad to have found this wonderful home for girls like us. I don't know if you want to hear my whole story. I think it's pretty typical. The broad strokes (oh the double entendres...) are: started dressing when I was about 7. I had no idea what it meant at the time. It was completely innocent and instinctual. I wanted to wear my mom's bras and try on her lipstick.
As a kid of course you don't know enough to feel ashamed. I remember begging for lipstick and not understanding why my parents were so weird about it. I think I sort of got the message that that wasn't "normal" and I went into a kind of latency period from ages 8-12 or so. I didn't have any sisters so I wasn't around the clothes but I absolutely LOVED being around girls and desperately wanted to be around them and play "girl" games.
When puberty hit I was very, very sexual but not very manly. I had girlish body, even little boobies, and I was brutally picked on, yet I KNEW I wasn't gay so I didn't understand why anyone would call me those names. Still, at PE I always sat with the "gay" kids because I hated playing stupid boy games.
During this time from 7-12 I was intensely fascinated with pictures of women's underwear in catalogues. Especially pantyhose. I would stare and stare at pantyhose as if they were magical.
As I began masturbating (which I did a LOT lol), I always thought of the pretty girls, cheerleaders etc, but I often focused on their clothes, how pretty they were. I wanted to be around those pretty things so so badly. Pretty soon I succumbed to the lure of the hamper.
I would occasionally stay with an aunt or female cousins and I absolutely loved masturbating with their clothes, and also wearing them. I thought it was just a sexual kink and I was just a "perv."
Now I'm early forties and I've dressed more and more until I was doing it fully with pierced ears, wig, makeup etc. I often have fantasies of being a bride or pregnant (just fantasies).
The sexual side is there of course but now I am just feeling more comfortable in girl clothes...
OK...so...yesterday I signed in to my 'girl' email and it said "Good Morning, Ashley Nichole Parker..." and I felt like crying. I got really emotional because I feel like Ashley was always inside me somewhere. Now I'm really confused. I think I'm part male and part female but the female is growing and it's scary. I don't know what this could mean for my life. I am a very nervous/depressive type and I have horrible anxiety about being "found out." and yet I want to be a complete woman in some ways.
Anyhow...I'm grateful I can share. XO and love to you all.
Hi Ashley! Sweetheart, thank for for such a lovely introduction to you! There is no need to be ashamed or think you are a pervert. All of us here have experienced what you have. Some a little less, some a little more. I read where they estimate about 10 per cent of all males go thru this change. I would say this is perfectly normal but it seems 90 per cent of the males think nothing of it or don't like it but it isn't any of their business. Same type of per centage go for sports....no-body likes all one sport or car/cat-dog or type of female.
Girl....enjoy yourself....peruse our site, feel free to contact/chat with any of us girls....we love to respond. Sweetie.....my door is always open....come on in...set a spell and let's chat.
Hugs......Lady Veronica
Thank you so much, Lady Gray and those who have messaged me. The worst part--from the first time I hid under my covers in a big white bra to now--is feeling like I am the only one. It really helps to read the stories here. Thank you so much. xo and hugs from Ashley.
Hi Ashley,
Welcome to CDH. Those feelings of fear of where is all of this going are very Normal. Especially when the desire comes back after many years of being Quite. I know for my self it was the same. I remember thinking what The heck is happening here? I thought I had this all under control. And now I feel Over whelmed by these desires. Fast forward a few years after being on this site and I have been out Several times dressed. Met up with some one else from this Site. And shopped in stores for my self. There are great stories here to give advice and encouragement and time is also a factor. And small steps forward. Slowly and Quietly you will figure things out. And not care as much what any one might think and remember the attitude of the world is changing Gradually.
Hugs,
Amanda
Ashley welcome I'm very happy you have joined us. There's no need to feel indifferent here. Everyone that comes here feels somewhat ashamed, shy, just not right in many ways. It's hard to understand this experiences and to face them alone is difficult in its self. Many here have felt much of what you are experiencing , meet up with theses ladies and I know they will help in many ways, from advice, to offering encouragement in helping deal with theses changes. Being back you'll notice things are better and being here will definitely ease any tensions. Take the time to read our articles and gain information all here to assist you in understanding . Here you are looked at as an equal and a woman who's learning all about who she is and who she wants to be .It is so satisfying when you are being looked at and recognized to be that person you feel and to have those emotional feelings that incompaness insided one's self. Be all you want to be and enjoy this in the company of a beautiful group of ladies. Very happy to meet you and hope your journey is fulfilling. 🌹
