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Hello all,
I'm gonna be honest here, because it's the least I deserve, and you along with me. We've had to hide ourselves long enough.
First, please don't call me Lady, Sweetie or whatever Femme name. I'm not Femme. I'm a man, and I'm addicted to wearing women's clothes.
As you can already tell, I have a very difficult relationship with my predilection. Right now I've made an oath to myself to quit crossdressing, much as an alcoholic trying to clean-up. So far I'm six months 'sober' and I'll let you know how it's going... Why? Why the addict perspective? Because having had two alcoholics in my family, I can tell you I mimic their behaviour exactly. I lie and connive to get my lingerie, and I'm damned sneaky when it comes to wearing. I spend unreasonable amounts of money on online orders and regularly 'purge' my collection - good money set on fire. From what I've gathered around the comments on articles, I'm confident many of you know what I'm talking about. Well, I've had enough of being that way. It's exhausting, expensive, and ruinous to my life and those I love.
I have been with my SO for fifteen years; married in the last two. A year into the relationship, I told her in a letter which I'd left her and ran outside to sit at a café to wait for the hailstorm of messages to arrive on my phone. Not proud of that choice. The hailstorm never came. Just a message to come back so we could talk. She listened and asked many questions. Of course she chewwed me out for dropping a bomb in her lap. But I also heard her side. She does not condone it one bit.
And that's what I'm writing here for. I have heard her reasons, and, much as it is difficult, I agree with her. And I have not yet encountered similar reasons for other SOs here. In her heart, MTF Crossdressing, and drag in general, is to to her as a woman what blackface is to black people. She, a 'genetic woman', struggles daily to combat the oppression of inequality. She's had to face so many hardships and adversity in this man-privileged world. So to see men dress up and get to reap all of the benefits of being a man PLUS all of the fun of being a woman, it's unjust in her eyes. We crossdressing men have the luxury of 'taking it all off' whenever we want. Women can't. They go through periods, a mountain of feminine bodily complications and regular infections, and face prejudice, unwanted sexual advances, harrassment, assault, and are denied common rights, and not once can they 'take it all off'. The blackface analogy is quite poignant, minus the mockery. No CD or Drag ever intends to mock women and she knows this, but it is the unmitigated joy of being feminine without the downsides.
See, my wife has absolutely no issue with crossdressing, per se. What she does take issue with is the unacknowledged double-dose of privilege. And I recognize that I turn to my crossdressing to flee the unpleasant pressures of being a man. So, in recognition of her suffering, and in an attempt to honor my own, I have made the oath to stop.
And since I've stopped, I have had a weight lifted from my soul. I no longer have to worry if my stash will be found. I no longer have to worry if anyone will notice the bra straps. I'm no longer permanently distracted by the alien sensations against my body. I no longer sneak about. I no longer lie or try to 'drown out' the expense of a recent purchase. I no longer have to worry about clearing my browser history.
Sure, I'm tempted. Most reliably in the first hours of a sleep-addled morning fog. That's when my temptation is strongest. And I will browse and add items to my shopping cart. But now I won't check out. By the time my coffee is finished, I have emptied the cart and closed the website.
Yes, I was a crossdresser. Yes, I respect and admire every single one of you for the courage you have shown in choosing your own path of adversity.
But I am a man, and I will face my own hardships; just as my wife has no choice but to face hers. There is an occasional sadness in me. And I don't doubt that, were she to leave me, I would probably buy a set first thing. Just like an alcoholic who is left on their own. I will fill my fridge with beer and get black-out drunk every day until I can once again no longer accept that I'm ruining my life. At that point I will purge again and take another stab at being what I was born as; a man.
I know many of you will be offended. Please understand I in no way intend that to be the effect. You all face tremendous difficulties in being a crossdresser, I know full-well! But I'm certain you also recogize the unbridled joy you experience en femme, and see that there is this deep unfairness to it all. And that is why I am where I am at today. Of course the matter is faaar more deep and complex than can be laid-out in a single forum post, so be generous with your assumptions about me - I assure you I've put a lot of thought into my opinions and am open to all views.
Best wishes to all,
Robin
Hi Robin, and welcome.
Thank you for being open and sharing that.
Stevie
Hi Robin,
Not offended by your post at all. It is difficult to be a crossdresser and we dress for a varied amount of reasons. If I had a wife and had to choose between her and me being Carla I would choose my wife. When I put on a skirt, bra and blouse to go out I also do makeup and wear a wig. Not because I am trying to be a woman but do that because we as men cannot wear the clothing that makes us feel good and comfortable without trying to look female in order to wear them. If I could just wear what I want I would choose a skirt probably everyday. I love the styles and fit of women's clothes so much better than male attire. Take care.
Carla
Hi Robin, (hope that isn’t a femme name considering what you put in your introduction {?} post) Teralynn here. I am way behind in my welcoming posts, but after reading your post I was moved to send you my response right away! Apparently, Carla has been a registered member since 2017 and I presume that Carla is also Robin. If so this is more like a goodbye post than an introduction post. Life can be be a difficult thing to endure for some of us, and for crossdressing people it can sometimes be almost unbearable. I am not sure where some of the reasons why you have decided to stop came from. Was it primarily because of your wife’s reaction or perhaps you got tired of feelings of shame and guilt you might have been experiencing? Whatever the reason you felt compelled to write and publish this post and felt that some of us might feel that it was a condemnation of crossdressing. Physical life is an individual journey. Something each of us must undertake alone. Our choices have a lot to do with our evolution and it would not be a good idea for any of us to be critical of your decision to end your crossdressing journey anytime you want to! But as you depart I would have you leave with a few thoughts for you to consider. There are many legitimate reasons why men crossdress and none of them make the person weird, crazy or evil. Yes it is true that we have been born in male bodies and society expects different things from men than from women and vice versa. Always it has been so and even today it remains so to a certain degree. To think that it is unfair to women for you or anyone else to be a crossdresser is judging without knowing the whole story. For all you know, part of your life plan was to experience being a crossdressing person! Well if so you have and now have decided to stop. I wish you well, but statistically speaking most crossdressing people have periods when they purge and stop but eventually return to crossdressing activity. Will that be you? Who knows? But if you do start up again and return to CDH, guess what? You will be welcomed back with open arms, minds and hearts. If I am still on the planet I will also be trying to convince you to rid yourself of any shame or guilt feelings you might still be harboring. Crossdressing can be a joyful experience if you can overcome those feelings which would be difficult for you given how your wife feels about crossdressing. - Blessings from Teralynn
Robin , how beautifully expressed , I love your honesty & strength xx Tiff
Hi all,
Thank you for your kind and thoughful responses. To reply quickly to Teralynn : you raise valid points and I thank you for that. I did say my relationship is difficult and I own that. I'm no longer as ashamed as I used to be. I do not intend to leave CDH anytime soon though so I will be around, for sure. I know well the purge phases having been a crossdresser from the age of 11 and having just begun my 40th year on this planet. Crossdressing has been a trip! Difficult, exhausting and exhilarating. I love my feminine sensitivities but I have decided to accept my male body and give it a chance in the sun for at least a few years. Being so femininely repressed, I had made my masculinity my enemy, the adversary to my joy. No longer. Again, not shame but a desire to give myself a chance as I am. But again, those are my views and I am grateful for all the understanding shown by all so far.
Warm regards,
Robin (sufficiently gender neutral for my purposes 😉
Robin I am glad you are staying around Luv! I myself was not aware of my feminine persona until age 51. I lived an exciting and demanding life as a male and now I am equally comfortable as Teralynn or John. My wife was told early on and initially thought I was joking but eventually realized that my feminine persona was real and not going away. Now she is comfortable with Teralynn but still expects her husband John to show up front and center to take care of the things I have always taken care of such as bills, yard work, garbage removal and dealing with difficult people. I like that a lot! I never wanted my recognizing and honoring of Teralynn to result in my wife losing her husband or my children losing their father! So a life can encompass two completely different personas if you handle it carefully. My best regards to you and yours Robin - Blessings from Teralynn
interesting perspective. I do not see it as a "double dose" of privileged but can see how your wife may feel that way. My thoughts on you dropping CD cold turkey to never happen again..good in theory but not going to happen imho. We all have our own burdens to bear with our cross dressing, and you must do what you feel is right.
Hi Leah,
Hahaha! Indeed it would be wise not to bet on it, but I can hope 🙂
Hi Robin;
Respectfully I disagree with your SO's view of CD being a double-dipping of privilege. A number of authors of our community have happily used the words "Who would ever choose this lifestyle" to express the lack of choice.
I do however get the impression that perhaps you have a highly intelligent woman there who is very adept as rationalizing her feelings. Perhaps you'd have a very different discussion if you were to discuss how she feels about Trans-women and the CD ladies who present 24/7.
I'd also expect that this set of statements allows you a little tacit forgiveness for the "sneakiness", "dishonesty" and "conniving". I agree that we share a lot with any other shame based hiding of actions, so I'd posit that this is less to do with it being an addiction vs being a symptom of hiding a behaviour set based on shame. Your strength in selecting a solution like going cold turkey has my respect, but I fear it may be a doomed exercise; Please put some thought into what's likely to work should you fall off the wagon, before it happens.
One of the interesting things about addiction is that they can often be substitute for each other or come in sets.. Does "Womanizing, drinking, smoking, gambling man" sound familiar? Not so strangely, a "Macho" lifestyle does not often get called an addiction but often accompanies CD, especially in younger life. (Macho being Military, para-military, high-risk professions, and exceptionally male dominated professions).
I truly hope you find some peace with your approach, because it would be an lifestyle which would now terrify me as I've passed the point as which I can "put it away" or suppress it; I've gone in the opposite, and potentially, unsettling direction which I am forcing myself to be very upfront with my SO so that there is no question of what I'm doing and why.
With much respect
-Molly
I found it poetic and I agree with you completely. We get to have the best of both worlds and even those transitioning to full-time still know both sides of the world.
Welcome Robin!
Hello all,
Coming up on a full year of "purge" and I feel great! I'm proud of my ability to stick to a commitment, and that strengthens my resolve.
"Robin" is a pseudonym which I thought was sufficiently gender-neutral to allow me that lee-way, in case I do return to my more feminine inclinations. I know as well as you all do that this male-phase most probably will not last, so I'm definitely not fooling anyone, least of all myself! So instead I consider this am exercise in commitment. I have spent my life trying to show the world how unreliable I am, and I've had enough of that lie. It was a useful defence mechanism when I was a child because my intelligence made the world around me (parents, teachers, peers) say I was "so full of promise/potential" and it made me sick to my stomach! The pressure, amd the fear of disappointing those I esteemed, made me push hard in the opposite direction. I would fail, deliberately; thereby getting the disappointment over with as quickly as possible. I thank my mother for that inherited/mimicked behaviour (sarcasm is on full volume here!). Crossdressing was, for me, another handicap, another excuse to show the world that there's something "wrong" (by their standards, mind you) with me. Crossdressing severely hampers my clarity of mind as I'm highly sensitive and so am constantly distracted by the tactile sensations, and the self-consciousness of being found-out. It kept me mentally handicapped (handicap, here in the golfing sense) And seeing that, I decided to see if, at forty years of age, it wasn't time to just drop the act and let me be me. Not thinking about CD has given me room to focus on other areas of interest, and I've finally started my book which I've been incubating for seven years. Being able to stick to this oath has made me come to fully appreciate the value of "your word" and even having any word at all. It's made me feel more present in this reality (if nobody can rely on you, just how exactly does that make you exist? You quickly become a nobody when no one can trust your 'word').
So while my wife's position on CDing is not my favourite, it is still one I'm only mildly trying to respect. Her insecurities and sense of injustice are her own to overcome. I'm giving her the room to figure that out on her own by not being femme in her face. Mostly I'm doing this for me.
Still a lurker on this sanctuary site, btw, because I respect and admire you all, and want to give you my time and my attention; if you have plucked-up the courage to write something here, you deserve to be heard.
Love to all; stay safe, keep your distance (great time to CD and underdress btw) and happy holidays to you and your families!
Robin
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Robin, and I wish you the best in moving forward with your choices. As an alcoholic myself, I don’t share your belief that cross dressing is a disease, but some of the same habits you mentioned (lying, sneaking around, purges) are similar behaviors. While many of us have gone through those same motions over the years, there is a reason why we all feel the desire to dress. Some will overcome the odds and fully transition from MTF, but there are some, like myself, that enjoy the ability to transform from our male persona to our female persona when we can. Yes, I get to enjoy life from both sides, being a husband & father, while at times, allowing my other half (Heather) to share time with my SO or just have time to myself (not as much recently due to the pandemic but that’s how it is right now). Some still keep their desires hidden because they fear the truth would cause many compilations to their lives and those of their families. We ALL face issues, men & women, and there is so much injustice in all areas of life. While I will agree women do have many burdens to carry, and the world does seem slanted against them, being a man is not a walk in the park. Being both at the same time is quite a challenge, but it has some advantages and has given me a different perspective on what life is like for my SO. Having told her the truth, and her acceptance of who I truly am, has brought us closer together. Yes I am extremely fortunate to have someone this wonderful in my life, but it’s taken a good portion of my journey to have found her. I am grateful for having her in my life, for her patience and understanding, and for loving me for who I am.
Hi Robin,
I see this as two separate, independent issues. First, this thing of ours is more than an addiction; it is a compulsion, which will grow stronger, not fade over time if yuu deny it. This is a part of you which will have to factor in to any long-term relationship.
The second issue is a social disease for which I have no direct solution. There is a segment of our society which seeks to place most of us in the role of "victims"; with themselves as presumably our rescuers. As long as your wife sees herself as a victim of "male privilege", her mind will be closed to any acceptance of our lifestyle. She needs to see herself as an independent and free individual, not just a part of some demographic. Then, she may be able to accept your second self...or not. Some folks are convinced that men are men, women are women, and there is no middle ground. I wish it weren't so, but it is. Good luck to you.
Bettylou
