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Hello, ladies. My name is Mike. No, I don’t have a femme name and I’ll explain but first let me say that, in general, I don’t really know where I fit in in the community anymore.
I’ve dressed off and on since I was young like most of us, I would imagine. In my early teen years I had a time where I considered maybe this meant I should transition. But, that didn’t feel right. As the years passed I grew more comfortable in my gender. At the same time, my desire to dress never abated. As I hit my late teens/early twenties I came into my stature. I’m not a small man and thanks to years of depression and semi-isolation I wasn’t a thin man either. This complicated my dressing as hopes of ever passing faded. In my late twenties, I met my fiancé before she made the ultimate decision to transition MTF. Being there through the process with her I became more certain that I had no interest in becoming a woman myself and honestly even passing seemed to be bit off for me.
From all this came my conundrum: my desire to dress, my love and admiration for women’s fashion, my draw to makeup, none of it ever faded. Yet, here I was realizing I had no interest in passing, no interest in presenting as or being treated as a woman. This has been the hardest reconciliation of emotions. This whole sort of middle ground, this “dude in a dress” idea scared me. Even at 35, inside, I’m still the depressed, anxious, overweight, scared teenager in a small country town trying to satisfy and hide from the world my wants and desires. I still want to remove my body hair, get my nails done, have my brows shaped but at the same time I’m not terribly interested in losing my facial hair even when done up.
Then I saw Eddie Izzard and I felt a little less alone. Here was someone openly representing the life I wanted. He was straight forward and always a man in a dress, or ‘action transvestite’, as he puts it. In more recent years the crop of talented male makeup artists on youtube that wear the makeup themselves and make it look amazing have helped me settle into my own feelings.
So here I am, a dude in a dress, no femme name or persona, trying to find a place to fit in. As I said before, I don’t really know if I belong here but i figured I’d give it a shot.
Sorry for the long boring rant, ladies.
Hi Mike. I am so sorry about the situation you are in. I live in small town of 11000.Moved here to escape big city BS and be peaceful. Seems to me Mike that you need to give all this a bit more thought. Talk to the girls here...they can be great help. Right now you are sitting on the fence. are others advising you which way to go? You can always cross-dress and not go out in public as Femme. Take drives a night when it suits you. Maybe this will help. By the way, I know a couple of guys who dress and retain beards. They only go to clubs and at home. Everyone accepts them. Let me know if you want to question or chat more. My door is always open.
Lady Veronica
Mike, there is no one definition/standard for being a crossdresser. Although many of us will have similar feelings and interests, the reality is that everyone is different in some way.
It's also not mandated that one must go out en femme. For some, it becomes a goal. For others, simply dressing at home is enough. The important thing is that you enjoy what you do in whatever manner you do it. If you're not happy then that's something you need to address, but otherwise, just embrace life and do things the way you want to.
There's no reason why you wouldn't fit in here.
Lady Veronica: Could you expand on your statement of more thought. If its on the notion what I am, i have come very comfortable with the, and yes he is sort of the only person i know of to point to, the Eddie Izzard style of transvestism or crossdressing. I'm a dude in a dress, heels and makeup. No femme persona. And i'm happy with that much. Its taken a while to get there, admittedly.
No one is pushing me either way. Those that know are supportive or don't really care either way. My fiance being a special case but that's a long complicated discussion of its own. I have a good friend and niece even who are more than ready and willing to join me in an outing with me dressed as i want so badly.
Thankfully i'm no longer stuck in the small town. Though as large as the Knoxville, TN metro area is, the LGBT community is barely represented. Hell there's really only one, maybe two bars, left in town. And, the CD community is as far as i can find is not represented at all.
When i talk about fitting in it is definitely a statement towards feeling alone in the local community and a few online forums i have poked around. As CDs are often treated as non relevant by the TG community for being in a bit of a gray area compared to full on Trans people, i often get that sense of anxiety that that's how the CD community would view me. Have i mentioned i'm an anxiety riddled nightmare?
JaneS: My personal goal is to be able to go out when and how i please. If i want to go dressed to the nines to the club or if i just want to do a light natural makeup and nails in my dude duds. I simply want to stop being afraid of presenting how i please. Hell, i still lack the courage to goto the local club dressed. I'd like to be able to do more daily dress, especially when i'm not at work and just hanging out with friends, even in public. To show how bad my anxiety still is, i am taking professional makeup artist classes as its something i've always wanted to do, but i'm still too chicken to walk into the makeup store even when its not specifically for me but for class/client.
I've a ways to go still.
Hi Mike, I think you are very courageous to tell us this about you. Sometimes I actually think a lot along the same lines. Why shouldn't we be allowed to be dudes in dresses or skirts if we so wish. I crossdress a lot and make a pretty good looking woman if I believe the comments from others. But sometimes I feel rebellious and just put on the clothes and a wig and take a shopping trip to the mall without caring what people may think. So yes, you belong here as much as anyone of the girls. Feel free to contact me anytime.
Thank you for the kind words Marianne. Its nice to be welcome.
Hi Mike! Thank you for your request to be friends......I am honored to be asked and to accept.
How are you getting along. We all must take the first step on our journey of a thousand miles! I have know some "burley" girls in the Alberta Tar Sands. These girls can carry an ox under each arm and still kick somebodies arse!! Just start off simple and subdued and try to blend in. Let me know how you are doing.
Lady Veronica
