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Hello all! I the fiance of a CD looking for support from like minded people.
A little about us.......I've known about the cross dressing for almost a year now. I'm ok with it as long as everything is transparent. I don't like secrets and hiding things. Last night I found an email account and social media account for the alter ego. The emails I had found were honestly quite concerning.......we talked it all out calmly. My fiance has struggled with this since childhood. He feels ashamed and confused and thinks he can just throw everything away and just stop.
I feel very differently. I told my fiance that I don't think it works like that, this isn't ever going away. I said "sure, you can get rid of all of it and you can force it away for a while. However it WILL come up again."
I feel this is apart of who my fiance is and you can just wish it away. I feel he needs to embrace this part of himself. I do not judge him or shame him in anyway. I'm here supporting him. I love this man and his female side. I know it has to be so very hard for my fiance. I just want him to know how much I love, care & support him.
Does anyone have any advice for us?
I just don't feel like it can just all be thrown away.
First off, I think it's every CD's dream to have a wife or SO like you.
You're right. There's even a term for it called "purging" where people out of shame or whatever else, throw away all of their female stuff. But I'd say anecdotally at least, 99% return back to dressing.
I think at some point, if you just keep showing your support, he'll come to the realization that it's a part of who he is. It's sort of like someone who likes anything else really. It's hard to just will something away, and in fact, sometimes that makes it worse because it's just festering until it pops up again.
He needs to wake up!!! For one, it isn't going away and he needs to realize that. Also, he is lucky to have you and that you already understand it better than them is amazing!
HI Lauren first of all proud of you and your spouse for being supported of each other. Keep the line of communication open at all times. Wishing you both the best. Follow the journey as a team. My parents told me as younger kid I was in a phase well my phase is still around, Actually with the support from all my family and friends going all the way to be female. Know some go further others are happy to dress fem at times. Might be just in privacy of their homes then some get out in public. Again wishing you both the best. And grow with spouse. In the journey.
Lauren, thank you for being such an open minded and supportive person! Your determination to help and stand by the one you love is heart warming. Honestly, if your fiance has struggled with this since childhood it's doubtful it is something that can just be "stopped". Paused or delayed certainly, but you can't just stop being who you are - and there is no shame involved in being yourself. I hope we here can help sort through some of the confusion. They Are Not Alone in feeling the way they do! Please please make use of the wealth of information ( and friendly support ) at CDH, it really can help in understanding. I truly hope all the best for you two 🙂!!
Stevie
Hi Lauren nice to meet you and so happy you joined us girls here to help and support in your hubby/girlfriends life please ask her to join us as there is a wealth of information for you both here .. For you as well as us to ask there is a group as for the wife and signifacant others group to help ask away questions we all here are ready to help you both on this journey as yes its not going away put on hold maybe but Your girlfriend /Hubby cant chase it away as we say the pink fog has got you so please accept our support and love to you both good luck Lauren ..
Stephanie Bass
Hi Lauren,
You have reached a CD website that offers friendship and support .. as you scroll down you will realize how we welcome you with open arms and please ask your fiancé to be a member too.. you mentioned in your introduction that you love, care, and support him… if I may say it again, a SO support is a dream of most CD’s including me… out of shame or losing my wife I didn’t tell my wife of my alter ego and dressed secretly when she was not home… one afternoon about 5 years ago, she came home early and she met Leonara for the first time..we had the “talk” which means the various questions, gay, transition, and why couldn’t you confide in me.. the latter question really hit home fortunately, Kathy understood… we have older children and grandchildren
For which we will agree to keep my CD revelation between ourselves…. to make a long story short I dress when she is not home and “don’t ask, don’t tell. I wish we could share, once in awhile a girls night out, a shopping spree, or mani-pedi together.
Lauren, those are the possibilities that you can share with your fiancé … as a footnote to my experience… Kathy & I celebrated this year our 50th Anniversary…..
Lauren & your fiancé I wish you the best
Regards, Leonara
It seems like you have been communicating and he should by now know that as long as he is open then you are good with it. Before he gets rid of stuff maybe suggest that he box it up and see how feels in a couple of months. He will be glad he did not purge. I think he would be helped if he got on this site. There are lots of us who have gone through the doubt and shame cycle until we accepted who we are and many are blessed to have supportive partners. You might suggest he joins us on the site.
Lauren your the best , You are the partner we all long for.
It took a lifetime for your fiancé to evolve who he is. Suppressing internal hormonal " testo/estri", Or the psychological desires, would be like saying, I can quit smoking or drinking. Might work for some, Im not that strong. Your love and understanding will help him control his impulses within the boundaries you agree on.
Welcome Lauren.
There's really not much I can add to what has already been said. Having a supportive SO like you is every CD's dream. And, no, the urge will never go away. I was married twice. Neither was accepting. And I've been through the "binge, guilt, purge" cycle more times than I care to remember.
The urge can be put aside, sometimes for months or years, but it never goes away. And, often, depression and drug & alcohol abuse, take it's place. Now that I'm single and don't need to deny my feminine side, my mental and physical health have improved significantly.
It sounds like your SO is still in the denial stage. He feels embarrassed and guilty for having these thoughts. Show him this site. Show him he is not alone. There are lots of us out here and most of us (author excluded) are perfectly sane.
Best of luck to both of you, and don't hesitate to reach out.
Hugs,
Elise
Hi Lauren. I can tell you the urges do not go away. I started stealing panties on my morning paper route when I was 12-13 years old. I turn 72 this coming Friday and I will tell you the urge for wear panties and other fem-wear does not go away. You can move away from it for a short while but it will again raise it ugly/beautiful face. I have been living with the urge for women's wear for 60 years and I will tell you it will NEVER go away. Thank goodness for me. Dani
Hello Lauren
This is a unusual situation in that the SO has recognised the real situation and it is the crossdresser who thinks it will all go away. I applaud you for taking this stance and for supporting you partner, it won't be easy but I feel it is possible to have fulfilling life with a crossdresser. You obviously love him and want to support him, thats a fantastic start. But he has to come to terms with who he really is and it would seem that is not the case as yet. Acceptance that you are a crossdresser can be difficult and it will take time, in my case I couldn't even think of myself as a CD, even though I was dressing at the time.Once I accepted that part of me I had to accept that I was a transvestite, ok in dictionary terms that is the same thing, but the term uses 'trans' and as such to a certain point I am trans, all this took a while to get my head around, but he will get there once he opens up to you and begins to accept this is part of him and what makes hm the person he is. He will not be able to have a 'purge' throw all his CD things away and forget about it, believe me I know, I've tried, it just does not work.
Good luck, PM me if you want to ask anything, and have a look at my blog, you might find something there to help you: https://mylifebyandrearaven.blogspot.com
Andrea x
Lauren, you are a wonderful and awesome person.
Diane
If there is anyone on this site that should not be here it's me. I am a born again believer in Jesus Christ since 1973, independent fundamental Baptist, Bible college graduate with a degree in pastoral studies from an extremely conservative school, and former pastor. I have memorized chapters of the Bible, continue to read it regularly, have prayed and fasted that I be delivered from this affliction. To this day I attend 3 worship services a week plus Sunday school. I have told others whom I trust, including my wife and pastors, about my femme self and have them praying with me and for me. I would say that I have the faith of a grain of mustard yet I have not been able to say to this mountain, " be thou cast into the sea". I have been to therapist all of whom I saw with the goal of overcoming this strong hold in my life. All that to say this, "to the best of my knowledge and efforts I have found [and proven] the urge to present femme will not go away."
How then do I reconcile my strong Christan faith with my incessant urge to be a woman? I have come to understand and be at peace with the truth that this is who I am.
The Scripture says it this way; Psalm 139:14 KJV — I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. According to divine purpose I am whom I am.
Who one is will not go away for if "it" did one wouldn't be who they are. (At this point I personally identify as a trans-woman and I have come to be thankful that I am.) Ones responsibility is to find grace, wisdom, and love sufficient enough to live with oneself as they are and therein find contentment. Please know that contentment and happiness are not one and the same.
May I say after 48+ years of living as a Christian transgendered individual, that accepting myself as I am and being wise and loving with how I manage myself is far from easy but it is possible.
And as an addendum to the story above; Prior to becoming a Christian as a 17 year old teen, I lived with a continual gripping urge to be a girl. Crossdressed regularly having 2 sister and my mom from whom I "borrowed". My earliest memory at 5 years old was the abrupt disappointment of understanding that I wasn't a girl. This tension between my male personhood and my feminine identification of self has been life long. .
Lauren, you as an accepting person, are a vital influence to your fiance's confirmation of him/her self. Therein you are liberating and life affirming for him if he manages his femme self with integrity.
May God bless.
Charlene
Being CD doesn't go away. All of us can confirm that. OK, we may wish at times that it had a "cure", particularly in the early years. We have purges, we worry about our sexuality. We ignore it, as far as is possible. Doesn't work. Never will.
Your husband is incredibly lucky to have such a loving supportive spouse. You're just going to have to work at getting him to accept that he's doing nothing wrong. There's nothing to feel guilty about if you're on board.
I think you both have some exploring to do, you lucky lucky people.
Connie
xxx
