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Hey girls! It sure has been a long road, one I think that continues.
This is a new account because I had lost access to my old one after purging both my online fem profiles and emails.
I am sure some of you understand the feelings of guilt and shame that can go along with this interest. When I was last active here I was on anti-depressants and feeling real good about myself in general not just that I had a really girly side. Doctors always want to wean you off of that but eventually, at least for me, the blackness and general depression return. That's when I do things like purge the physical manifestations and try to purge the feelings.
Back on my meds and feeling 100% better!
I apologize if this makes things difficult or a challenge for mods.
I'll add more later but didn't want to wait another day!
Hi Saoirse, welcome back!
And there's no need for concern, you haven't made things difficult for the mods at all. It's good to have you with us again!
Take care.
Welcome back, Saoirse.
Many of us have known these two impostors, some still do but I hope the real warmth and caring you'll experience here can be of some help.
I've learned that when the blackness hits, it's best that I just surrender to it but I won't throw away all my nice things because I will want them back again, sooner or later. Because Allie is a very real part of me, she suffers too but, thankfully, those episodes have become fewer and shorter in duration.
I wish you well and remind you that this family is always here for you.
Hugs
Allie x
@saoirse68 Im with you on all of that. Although I have been finding that River greatly helps my depression. but the next day its back just like drinking uggh. But Just being here talking and sharing with so many others really takes the edge off. Welcome Back RC
Hey Saoirse
Well, I'm a mod ... and responding to your post isn't a challenge for me since I also suffer from depression.
It's not something I've ever mentioned on the site before, but that isn't because I'm trying to hide it.
It's just that it's never come up!
I think that speaking out about these things is important. The more people with depression are open about it, the more those around them will realise just how common it is - and the more chance they'll have of understanding that it's a normal and widespread condition and nothing at all to be scared of. We don't need to be kept at arm's length and treated with kid gloves 🙂
In my case, having my depression diagnosed gave me a chance to put a name to it and understand it. It's been with me my whole life, but only manifested big time after a series of traumatic personal events when I was in my late thirties. Since then, although it ebbs and flows, I've been able to keep it at bay. And yes, that involves pills. Here in the UK, doctors can prescribe St John's Wort (Hypericum) as an alternative to semi-addictive drugs such as Prozac (Fluoxetine) and that's been marvellously successful for me.
I'm always aware that the depression is there, but those around me might be hard pushed to notice.
Interesting, the times when it's affected me the most have been the times when I've retreated more deeply into my feminine self. That represents a place of absolute security and calm for me.
Painting and writing also help me cope, perhaps because when I'm fully engaged in either of these things I'm able to focus totally on creating and shut everything else out.
So, Saoirse, there you have it.
There's no need to be at ALL hesitant in talking about depression.
And in my view, there's no need to feel guilt about crossdressing either. It's a big part of who we are, it shapes us, and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Hugs
Ellie x
Thanks for sharing this, Ellie. I agree, the more we are open about it, the more sufferers will realise that they're not alone. Now that I think about it, it's kinda like crossdressing!
I use St John's Wort too, also other herbal remedies as required. On occasion, if I've had to visit the GP, I will tell them that seeking their help is a last resort for me as I take responsibility for my own health as far as possible.
I've read, more than once, that depression is the curse of the thinking classes, make of that what you will 🤔.
Sending all sufferers compassionate and understanding hugs,
Allie x
For many years I've run an 'extension course', above and beyond the A level Chemistry syllabus, which is aimed at giving students intent on pursuing medicine a broad background in topics that might help them during university interviews.
One of the modules involves teaching them the difference between homeopathy (absolute nonsense ... apologies to anyone out there who swears by it, but don't even get me started) and herbal medicines. There's widespread ignorance about this; people tend to conflate the two.
Tim Minchin has a great quote:
'You know what they call herbal medicines that work? Medicines.'
I recommend watching him recite his poem, 'Storm' 🙂
Aspirin is, essentially, a herbal medicine.
In the extension course we make aspirin from willow bark; we've also extracted the active ingredient from St John's Wort (which is commonly grown in UK gardens as 'Rose of Sharon').
When I was first prescribed anti-depressants, my GP went through the relative benefits of 'mainstream' drugs and St John's Wort. He was ahead of his time, and steered me firmly towards St John's Wort. A decade later, a meta-analysis conclusively proved that it's at least as effective as Prozac but with none of the side-effects. As a bonus, it's not addictive ... and that means that I can stop taking it whenever I want and simply start up again if I feel the black dog approaching.
A pretty good showing for a 'herbal medicine.'
Ellie x
I can stop taking it whenever I want and simply start up again if I feel the black dog approaching.
That's exactly what I do. I like to have a break for weeks or months in between to let my body "normalise". I believe that also enhances the effects when I do start again.
Your GP sounds enlightened, I get the raised eyebrows when I tell them what I take. Not so with the nurse practitioners though, they seem more open to alternative treatments.
There's more I can say but I'll not hijack this thread any more, I'll send you a pm.
Allie x
@saoirse68 Hi Saoirse, I'm Tia. I'm glad you're here among friends where you can be yourself without worry or fear. Depression is a hard thing to deal wife. My Wife had an episode that put her into the hospital for a time and later so that she could barely function. It makes my heart ache to see someone having to go through it. I know it's a pain to have to take medication every day even when it helps. I think along with that it is important to have someone who will listen and be there even if they don't have any answers. Just unburdening yourself of the feelings can be a great help. You will always have a friend here to lean on.
Love Tia
@saoirse68 No apologizes required, you have an awesome team here that's with you! We share your ups and downs. I'm sure your 2.0 is better than ever, you got this!
welcome back. I think at one point or another we haev all..and still do deal with shame and guilt of our cross dressing
Welcome back Saoirse! So glad you are here and feeling better!
Welcome back!
Welcome back, I've purged so many times, I can't count them all, but never again. It's only taken about 61 years to accept that this is who I am and who I will always be. Love yourself for who you are and accept that this is a beautiful part of who you are and who you will always be.
Lacy
Welcome back, depression is a side of many here and is a difficult thing to deal with. Focusing on what you enjoy is one key element in countering the effects as you can immerse yourself. There are so many facets to depression and its causes but admitting to yourself and others is one part of a process to manage it. Communication with others for reassurance and support, opening up without shame or censure which is what this site will offer you. I hope you will stay the course and your time here helps rebuild your coping mechanisms.
Because of an on-going physical problem that has had me in and out of A&E twice for being unable to pee, I started to get so depressed about the whole thing and started on Fluoxetine (Prozac) but the side effects far outweighed the beneficial effects, in short, I couldn't see! My vision became so blurred I couldn't see my phone, let alone read what was on it. I took the fluoxetine for three weeks and the symptoms of messed up eyesight started nine days in, I stopped taking them and ten days later, my vision is almost back to where it was. I believe it can affect the ciliary muscles which control the eye from the bottom.
I take a few drugs for a pee problem and cholesterol but fortunately none of them cause any side-effects. Mind you, I'm not sure yet if the important one is even working and won't for a few more months.
Medicine has come on a long way since I was a kid (I should have died aged 43 from heart disease but a stent has kept me going, so far, for 27 more years) but there is nothing like the body for providing for itself much of the time if possible. There is a world of difference between insulin injections and a working pancreas, ditto dialysis and the kidneys and the liver and, well, nothing works instead of the liver, it's why I gave up drinking -- if I die, I really don't want it to be my fault.
I don't suppose you felt any better after purging and if you did, I expect it was very temporary. But if you can come and go with ADs and it works for you, then go for it.
Hugs
Becca
xx
Ps No problem for the mods, it gives them something to do, they are such a lazy bunch 
Welcome back, Saoirse!
Alice
Welcome back Saoirse. I understand completely. Hugs, Marg
Thank you ladies - all of you. It means a lot me.
Hi Saoirse nice to meet you and welcome you home girl as we always leave the porch light on so you can find your way home .. You know as a sister and family member you are welcomed home so you remember how it all works around here so jump back in having fun chatting with your sisters so rekindle old friendships and start some new ones girl hope to see you soon ..
Stephanie Bass
Hi Saoirse!
Welcome back to CDH!
I think you will find the community helpful, encouraging and supportive as ever!
Again, welcome to CDH!
Catherine
