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Hi All, My husband has been out as a crossdresser for about 5 years now. I'm in the DADT approach and decided to come here to learn more. He uses the name Ashleigh, so I used it here.
Hi, and welcome to CDH.
That’s a wonderful thing you’ve done in wanting to learn more bout Ashleigh’s crossdressing. It’s usually something that chooses us rather than us choosing it.
You’ve also come to exactly the right place.
Many of us here have non-supportive wives, or wives that just don’t know, but there are many who have and will be more than happy to talk about how things work for them.
Also, if you look around the forums you will see a group called
“For the Wives and Significant Others”
This is solely for people in exactly your position.
Welcome again, if you need any help with anything, feel free to ask
Lucy
Hi Ashley
To save you having to search, here's the direct link to our 'Wives and Significant Others' Forum:
For the Wives and Significant Others – Crossdresser Heaven Forums
Ellie x
@ashleighinmymind Hi, you could not have chosen a better place to learn about crossdressing. One of the first things you'll notice is we all use female names. I know my very supportive wife was slightly bemused by this but it makes sense to give the feminine part of our personalities (and all men have them to a greater or lesser degree but all of us here embrace rather than bury them) a name.
You'll also find many of us have very similar stories, we live "normal", male lives, bring up families, and everything else men do.
We are enlightened and brave enough to accept the female part of us and this, in most cases, makes us happier, calmer people.
I regularly check with my wife that she is still ok with my dressing, (I'm free to dress at home pretty much whenever I want, usually in the evenings when there's little chance of visitors). I also asked her more than once, I'm having a ball but what does she get out of it?
Her answer is always that she would definitely say if she wasn't ok with it and what she gets is a happier, calmer and chattier me.
I hope joining this wonderful place brings not only answers but also some understanding of what your husband has experienced, good and not so good in crossdressing. Also,and this is biggie, the courage he showed in telling you.
Much respect,
Allie
Hi, and a warm welcome to CDH.
This is a bit longer than the welcome messages I usually give, so apologies in advance! You might want to grab a coffee first.
As the others have said, it's great that you've chosen to come here in search of information to help you understand your husband's crossdressing. You've taken a big step, and are to be applauded for it.
You say you're in a DADT relationship. This is very common. The fact that you are here at all would seem to imply that you are at least considering a change in that relationship. Perhaps you are looking to broach the subject with your husband, but concerned about what he might say to you in case it's something you'd rather not want to hear. That's perfectly natural.
You've maybe asked yourself lots of questions about your husband. Like "Is he gay?", "Does he love me?", "Am I not enough for him anymore?". And again, all these questions are completely natural for the wife of any crossdressing husband.
I don't want to make assumptions about you or your husband, or about the relationship between you. What I will say is that there are a lot of myths and misconceptions around crossdressing. Becoming more aware of these will help you, and your husband.
Start, if you haven't already, by taking a wander through this site. Read some of the stories about who we are, what we do and why we do it (Though that last one, "Why", is something that none of us can give a definitive answer to. Crossdressing is simply a part of who we are. Your husband will agree, if you ask him). It's possible that you'll read things we write that make you wonder "Why on earth do they want to find out about makeup? Why do they call each other by women's names? What do they even care what the best bra size is?". Believe me, we wonder too!
There's a huge variety of approaches to crossdressing, all of which are to be found and talked about here on CDH. It can be boggling, frankly. So please, feel free to ask questions. There is the "For Wives and SO" section, as Lucy mentioned, but you are also most welcome to ask questions in the main forums. You will receive plenty of useful responses, I can assure you.
Again, sorry for this ramble. I hope some of it makes sense to you. You can PM me if you would like to follow up on any points in private. I'm here to help.
@ashleighinmymind my other sisters have covered a lot of ground. I would urge you to stay with us here as well as going to the SO cite. When we ask questions, we are only trying to help. If you wish, you can talk to any of us with a private message.
Always remember how much he loves you . I told my wife that Tim and Lorraine are the same person and she is loved equally and all the time weather I am wearing jeans or a ball gown. It made an impression on her. You are your husband’s best friend, and he has shared his most secret feelings with you. Welcome🤗
@ashleighinmymind Not much more I can add but I will say my Wife knows as well and is supportive. But Im the one with the DADT attitude as I dont want her to see River. .Im sure its because im not fully at peace with it myself and after 40+ years of it I probably never will. but I have made leaps and bounds since joining CDH so im grateful for everyones support. Its an amazing resource. Welcome I Hope you find your peace here. Cheers RC
@ashleighinmymind My wife met Patty a couple of weeks after we met. It wasn't planned. She surprised me coming over to my place. I had been out femme the night before at a party. i got home late, took off my clothes, and left them lying on the couch. I would deal with them in the morning.
When she came over, she woke me up. I was glad to see her and let her in. Then she saw the girl clothes. She apologized for coming over and bothering me. She said she was going to leave and wouldn't bother me anymore, apologizing repeatedly.
I didn't want her to leave. I decided to tell her the truth about the clothes. They are mine. I wear them for fun and to parties. Last night I was at a party, got home late and didn't get a chance to put them away. She looked at me suspiciously and asked me to show her.
I took the clothes, went in the bedroom got dressed, put on makeup and walked out. She was shocked and stunned. She could not believe how pretty and sexy I was and how different I looked. That very same day we went out shopping together ans girlfriends. I was her boyfriend and her girlfriend. We went out often as girlfriends, for a while, a lot more than boyfriend/girlfriend. We had a lot of fun and a lot of great dates.
I realize my situation is different. Maybe bringing Patty out early in the relationship was a good thing. But others I met who did the same thing resulted in an early end to the relationship, but not always. Some relationships became like mine, others were tolerant but didn't want to know or see.. In the three years I had been dressing and going out, I met several girls who were intrigued with me en femme.
So Ashleigh, hope you learn a lot, and at the very least, have some tolerance and understanding.
@ashleighinmymind Welcome to CDH, Ashleigh's SO!
It is very supportive just by coming here trying to learn. Curiosity and enthusiasm will keep things healthy. You have my respect for doing this.
Hi Ashleigh, I think it is fantastic that you are wanting and willing to learn about what drives us. My wife is in the I don't want to know group so it's a bit difficult for me. thanks for being open minded.
Marlie
@chuck Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
It is the opposite of open communication. The SO/wife knows about the dressing, but 🙈🙉🙊
Dear Wife of Ashleigh,
You have come to a very good place to find out about crossdressing - but like you, none of us really know why we dress…there are probably as many reasons as there are crossdressers. But it is important to realise that we are the same people whether dressed or not (although usually calmer and nicer people when dressed).
What is wonderful is that you are trying to learn about this for your husband. No words can express how much of a fantastic person that makes you. Thank you for trying to find out and for taking steps to perhaps support your husband.
I have a supportive wife, so I am very lucky. But I must say, for me, I encourage her to talk about her concerns and frustrations about my dressing and to ask as many questions as she can (of which I am totally honest in my answers). This has allowed us to enjoy each other more honestly and completely. Crossdressing can be quite an obsessive thing, and it is important for us to remember that we need to give back as much and more as we get from our wife’s and SOs. That comes from openness and mutual understanding. So I would encourage you to talk with Ashleigh - I am sure she will be relieved and it will help you understand her more and for her to understand your wants/needs and concerns.
You have taken a very important and courageous step, for that I cannot praise you enough. I hope you have a happy and educational journey of discovery.
Hugs
Christine
PS Getting Ashleigh to do the housework should be easy, if you let her dress whilst doing it - that certainly works in my house, much to my wife’s delight!
Hi Ashleigh, as others have noted, it's an excellent step you've taken to try and learn more about this for the sake of your spouse and marriage. You may gain a lot of insight here into what makes us, in general as CDs, tick - our reasons, our feelings, our motivations, etc. However, I feel these will be only generalities. Hopefully what these do is give you some information to return to your spouse with thoughtful questions - those designed to help you better understand them.
I've expressed many times that the SOs are really in the same boat as the CDs - we have these feelings and fears and we feel alone, like no one else could understand. As such, in finding a group like this we suddenly have those feelings shared - "OMG yes! Exactly, you understand!" I would suggest you make some effort to find a group of CD SOs so that you can have those conversations. CDH has a spouses counterpart site, but I believe that finding some real person is many times better. If your SO goes out with other CDs, then perhaps some of them occasionally bring their spouses. That would be an opportune time to find some allies who can help you see things from an experienced view.
You've been together for 5 years while they've been out and about with this at some level, so things are probably not dire. I'm glad that you've been able to manage things so far as well as you have, and again, congratulations are certainly due on your even being here.
- Melodee
Ashleigh, welcome. You have come to the right place to learn, get support, answers to your questions or any other information you would like to know. Thank you for taking this step and for your support of your husband.
Hello Ashleigh,
I concur with the above comments. There is a lot to learn. Both for you and your spouse. Another source of information are podcasts like The Fox and The Phoenix or Free to be She. Both of which address SO levels of participation.
I could go into a long explanation of my experience but you dont know me from Shinola.
That being said. What questions do you have? What is your biggest concern? What do you want from your relationship moving forward? How do you want to be supported?
One of the best advice I was giving about being a CD and in a longterm marriage was this. The weight that we lift off our shoulders, when we come out to our wives, is placed on them.
You've taken a big step by coming here and makeing a post. This is very commendable. Hopefully you find good information and are open to different views.
Sincerly,
Erika
Hi Ashleigh.
Welcome to CDH. I think this is a very important step for you. CDH is the right place to learn about crossdressing. Feel free to read and ask. This is a very supportive community. I hope you can find the answers you are looking for and the peace of mind you deserve.
Gisela
I told my wife my secret, now I regret. That inspired her to be passive aggressive. Not fun.
I hope you find the information and answers you are looking for. Feel free to ask specific, or general questions.
There is no such thing as "a crossdresser", rather it is a term used to describe a whole spectrum of people. It could be used to describe a man who only wears women's panties or a woman who wears a man's necktie. On the other end, it can be a person who is transgender, though technically one ceases to be a crossdresser if wearing the clothes of the gender that person identifies as. Most are somewhere in between and generally apply to men who enjoy wearing some aspect of women's clothing. Many (most?) of us are pretty much heterosexual males who happen to like various aspects of women's clothing, but just like society as a whole, there are gay men, trans women, and everything along the bell-shaped curve.
Congratulations for being open-minded enough to seek answers and not just jump to conclusions created by mostly misinformed people. Feel free to PM.me if you like.
Welcome to CDH! You will find so much support here and I'm sure the answers to any of your questions.
There are some members who are in a DADT arrangement. Others have wives/SO's who are adamantly opposed. I am fortunate that my wife is fully supportive. Perhaps you will become more supportive once you learn more.
Again, welcome!
Hi Ashleigh, And welcome to CDH. Here you will find many smart, fun and compassionate folks. I do somewhat understand your situation. I am an intersex person (a DES feminized male) and my wife is a great partner and ally. I'm on both CDH and TGH although neither definition really fits me . I wear women's clothes because they fit me best and I live out and openly each day. I'm not a pretty woman but nor am I a manly man. I'm just me and I'm the person most likely to be stopped at the airport TSA scanners. About 35 years ago I suddenly grew breasts and began to look like my mother. I hid my condition for many years but finally both my wife and I realized what was happening to me and charted the best way to deal with it. It was a difficult time for both of us and took about 5 years. You can read my profile for more info. Currently I give talks locally and around the country about intersex conditions and I volunteer at Trans and Crossdresser events. I give you a lot of props for being willing to keep an open mind and learn more for yourself and your husband's sake. There is a section for SO's here on these boards so you might find more info there. Additionally, there are conventions and gatherings like Keystone, Diva Las Vegas and Esprit Gala that are also attended by couples. Hopefully this will be of some help. I know that a lot of this is an uncharted path. Keeping communication open and being able to laugh has been helpful for my marriage. Safe Journey, Marg
Hi Ashleigh’s wife,
Welcome to CDH. Others have covered many things. Enjoy browsing the forums and the articles. No doubt you have tons of questions so please feel free to post them.
Alice
Ashleigh's wife -
Welcome to CDH. It is wonderful that you ahve come here to learn about crossdressing to understand and help you to accept this part of your husband. My wife took a few years to come to accepting this part of me. There isn't anything I can add to what has already been said.
XOXO
Suzanne
Hi Ashleigh's wife thank you for joining us girls here as you are a wonderful lady seeking help for your husbands benefit to learn about his Crossdressing .. As I'm another dresser with a supportive wife as when we met then about 6 months later we were married very soon after i came out to her and she accepted Stephanie as a friend and a husband with two different hearts connected as one now coming up this weekend the 17th of 41 years married so everything was right.. Good luck keep chatting ask many questions here and at home with Ashleigh don't be a stranger say hello often..
Stephanie Bass
