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It’s hard for me to believe that I am here, let alone publicly admitting to the fact that I’m a lifelong cross dresser. I’m 51 years old now and have been dressing since I was about 10 years old.
I didn’t do a lot of dressing as a kid, because sneaking into Mom’s closet was fairly difficult. I will never forget her blue button down dress and a pair of wedge heels that fit perfectly. I remember painting my nails one night and then realizing I had no idea how to get it off before morning. Nail polish remover wasn’t something I was aware of back then. I spent all night scraping off the polish before my parents woke up.
As I became a teenager, Mom’s stuff didn’t fit any longer and we were in the pre-internet days, so access to pretty things was very limited. I did discover catalog ordering by mailing in money orders for payment. My main purchase back then was high heels. I was able to order from JC Penney (in my mom’s name) and then go pick it up at the local store. Such a good son…picking up his mom’s orders for her!
As I got older, and got my license and a job, I began to acquire a few more things that I hid in a box in the attic. I wasn’t dressing all the time, as it was extremely difficult while at home. Mostly shoes and a few dresses. No makeup, nails, wigs at this time.
In my early 20’s I met my future wife and we began dating. After about 4 years, we bought a home together. This was the first time I was out of my parent’s home. I had gotten a job in a highly masculine field where the discovery of crossdressing would absolutely ruin me. I had a box of hidden treasures in my home with my girlfriend. Once we were engaged, I thought it was time to be honest with her.
One night, we were trying to figure out costumes for an upcoming friend’s Halloween party. I snuck away when the conversation ended. I decided to grab all my goodies and reveal myself to my future wife. After getting dolled up, I walked downstairs in full dress, heels and makeup and exclaimed “how about this for a costume!?”
My fiancée was surprised, and wondered why I had a full female costume at the ready. We talked for a very long time and she was very accepting. She did not shame me, but initially asked that I don’t do it around her. (It would eventually not bother her that much as we got older).
The dawning of the internet, Amazon, EBay etc. turned me into a shopping diva. I began years of buying and purging. Sure wish I had all those things back! So much wasted money.
I’m not self loathing, but I have yet to “embrace” who I am. I have been out in public once, very late at night at a 24 hour grocery store. I quickly pushed a cart around the store and then hurried out before having a heart attack! My current issue is that I have become a perfectionist and am never happy with my look. I’m 6’ tall, 240, with broad shoulders and a manly build. Passing is out of the question. So, at 51, I am searching for a style that will make me happy. More moderate makeup, less sexy outfits etc.
I have tried to cross the threshold into going out by painting my toenails in the summer. I wear sandals, and have traveled out into the world. The anxiety kills me! I can wear polished toes all winter, but I can’t bring myself to be seen barefoot in the summer. I did a few days in a recent vacation, and a few ladies complemented me on them, but a few side-eyed looks from some guys and I was scrubbing away with the nail polish remover.
Someday I hope to be able to enjoy myself, because no matter how much I hide this side of me, it makes me feel so good.
Wow…thanks for the therapy session! So glad to be here.
You're going to love it here Danny. Everything you've said will resonate with the girls here. You'll find support and friendship by the bucket load. The key thing is for you to accept and learn to love your girly side, and I can assure you the ladies here will be more than happy to help with that. No more purging!
Hugs, Chrissie xx.
Hi Danny,
Welcome to CDH. You are going to enjoy yourself here!
Alice
Hi Danny nice to meet you and so happy you found and joined us girls here so do some looking around and reading of the forums and posts from so many ladies here telling there stories about there journeys down the femme road they are on in life.. Thank you for a wonderful intro and as a new sister and family member you are welcomed with open arms into our home as well as yours now also.. When you get comfortable with us please join in with a story or two about the life and times of Danny as she travels down her own girly path in life .. Now as for making friends here there are so many ladies from all over the world to build long lasting friendships with and best of all we are just a simple click away from you .. Once again girlfriend nice to meet you and hope to see you around for a chat sometime soon.. Have you thought about your femme name yet as you see we all go by ours big hugs girl and have fun..
Stephanie Bass