Hello from Diana in AZ

I am an older (60ish) cross dresser and I have been attracted to womens clothing all my life.

I'm a larger guy (6ish feet and 200ish pounds) and not feminine looking in my face.   If could pass I would probably go out dressed.   But as it is, big and not cute, my dressing has almost always been an at home thing. The earliest dressing fantasy I had when I was about 5 years old. In it women would force me to wear high heels and would even glue them to  my feet so that I could not remove them.  I often had other similar fantasies as I grew up but did not often have the opportunity to  actually cross dress.

I grew up in the era of pantyhose and sometimes when my parents and sister were gone,  I had the house to myself and  I would sneek either  my moms or sisters pantyhose and wear them while masturbating.   The  very first time that I came during masturbation, I was wearing  pantyhose.    I remember as a kid it was pretty frustrating having desires to have  and wear women's clothing but not being able to obtain much of it.   I  would look through the Sears catalog wishing I had those various  girdles and bras to wear.

Once I was done with high school, I started having more independence and ability to  obtain womens clothing and started collecting it.  I was too embarrassed to actually purchase it in the stores but I was able to purchase some through mail order.  Also I had a girlfriend and sometimes I was able to  intercept something she was throwing away (usually pantyhose) and add it to my collection.

I've always found that it is more pleasurable to have and wear clothing that was previously worn by a woman.  It has female magic :).  It is  nice but not quite the same to buy and wear my own womans clothing.

I wound up marrying my girlfriend.   I had not told her about my attraction for womens clothing.   I had thought my fetish would subside once I was married and having regular sex.  But it did not.  In fact now that the closet was filled with her female clothing it was on my mind even more and my interest in it increased rather than declined.

In retrospect, I should have come out to her before we got married.

Once I had a wife, I wasn't as embarrased as before to go into a store and buy female clothing.   I figured they would think I was simply buying  something sexy for my wife (and often I was doing just that) rather than me.   Usually if I'm buying womens clothes, the clerk either doesn't notice  or doesn't care what I'm buying.   I remember one time though at target I was buying a couple pairs of colored tights.  The clerk made a snide pointed remark like "those will look very nice on you".  What a judgemental prude.  But most of the time they don't seem to care.

After a few years married, we were thinking about starting a family and I thought that I better come out with her about it before kids were involved in our lives.   So I did.

Initially she didn't seem too disturbed by it but she wasn't enthusiastic about it either.    I became more open with my dressing.  We even made love a few times  with me dressed in a nighty, pantyhose or both.

As some months passed though it started bothering her.   I wanted to join a CD/TG/TS support group that I had located.   We went a few times to it and she even helped me dress for it.  But then she started objecting and pushing back on it.   She also told one of her girlfriends about it.   I didn't care too much that she had told that particular girlfriend (since she was a liberal, free spirit kind of person) but it was a breach of confidence and  I didn't like that.

My wife worried that it meant that I was gay and that I might someday leave her for another man.    At that point I felt like we maybe should divorce.   I decided  against it and turned the dressing back into my own personal alone time thing.    And it's been that way ever since.   She probably knows that I still do it from time to time but it's a don't ask, don't tell kind of arrangement ever since.

I give my wife credit for trying to accept it.   And I should have told her about it prior to getting married so I don't feel I have the right to demand that she accept it now.   But that she is negative towards this part of me has always been a bit of a division between us.

I sometimes think we should have parted ways back then.   She could have gone on an looked for a different guy who isn't like this and I could have found a more tolerant wife.   My observation is that not very many women are accepting of husbands cross dressing so maybe divorceing would  mean I would have just stayed single.

I like women but sometimes I have wondered if it means that I do have a part of me that is gay.    My sex fantasies when dressed are sometimes of gay sex.   But most common, the fantasy is that  a woman (or women) have forced me to dress and in that state, I am acceptable to them sexually and I am then allowed to make love to them. I have other varied fantasies as well.

As a young guy, I found that cross dressing was strongly sexually stimulating.   As I've aged and my libido as decreased, the sexual component of dressing has declined and it mostly just feels enjoyable in a non-sexual way now.   Sometimes when my wife is away and I have the house to myself, I get dressed  and stay that way for days.   It doesn't automatically make me  horny these days, it just feels good.   I especially like sleeping in womens lingerie.   It's very soothing.

I'm looking forward to this forum.

Thanks,

DIana