Hello, thanks for the Welcome

Well, I've created a multilayered email screen using only DuckDuckGo with nothing that could possibly be traced back to the real me, so here it goes.

I've been lurking this forum and others for the better part of the last decade. I've never said or told anyone, and I literally mean anyone, anything about this aspect of my life. I'm sure this is exactly the same situation ALOT of girls here share, but none the less, this is extremely difficult for me.

As you can tell, I'm very much "in the closet". I'm also married which makes this even worse. I have been, without exception, psychopathic in my precautions concerning my cross dressing. I carefully plan when I can dress, I carefully plan when packages of clothing are delivered or have them delivered to a PO box ( which I still find problematic), and again, this is probably just like a lot of girls here, but just for reference.

I vividly remember when this all started. Growing up I had a younger sister and I would occasionally "skim" a pair of underwear from time to time. Exceptionally aware of how dangerous this was, it was few and far between, and I felt absolutely horrible doing it. But my mom was a compulsive shopper, and I spent hours upon hours of my younger childhood and early teenage years in clothing stores. For whatever reason, I was curious as to what girls underwear had to offer over boys.

Again, I'm a textbook case for this. This is almost exactly the same story I have read so many times. Wearing my sisters underwear was horrid, it was wrong and I knew it was wrong, but after the first time I couldn't stop myself. I was careful, far more careful than many, but I had no other ways of acquiring the contraband for my obsession.

Now, never in any of these early years did I desire to fully transition into being a girl. It was a guilty vice, the wrongness of it made it erotic beyond comprehension. This is something that I don't read about as often, but even now, 16/17 years later, I still don't have any interest in becoming a girl full time. This, for me at least, is an erotic obsession that has never gone away.

I came close to being outed in my teens and purged everything I had stolen. The pure trauma I felt at the slightest possibility of being busted by my sister or mom was enough to drive my alter ego down for years. I got by with a very active imagination but was dormant until a few years ago. For years I had browsed eBay for visual stimulation I decided a one time order from a single seller that sold items with the crossdresser tag would be safe enough. A couple bras and panties. Well, nothing was the right size but, and again, common to most girls, I had opened Pandora's box.

Next I ordered some forms, a bodycon dress, heels, and some REALLY tall boots. 6" heel as well. I stayed home sick from work, waited at the front window, and quickly hid the package once it arrived. I waited until I had a few hours to open it, and was convinced that I would never again need to order anything ever again. Again, I was wrong.

However, my life was changing and things were getting serious with my girlfriend. It was time to progress the relationship along and get a place with her. Seeing her in her wedding dress made me so insanely jealous, I would die and go to heaven if I could ever wear something as gorgeous as that.

I really needed some time to feel things out living together with her. I would dress when I had time and she was at work, and browse the net for a wish list of sorts. Of coarse, my stockings didn't hold themselves up very well, my forms would slide out of my hilariously small bra, and wearing one dress just gets old. I have the benefit of having long shoulder length hair in boy mode and I would try to make it look more girly, but it's just the wrong cut to do anything with.

So once again, I get back onto the Internet and place a couple of very risky orders. First I ordered some Amolux Diamonds, that have the glue, and they are divine. I also got a gaff and a properly sized bra. That was a few months ago, but around the same time I booked some time off work so I could place another order. I needed some new dresses and I really wanted to try makeup and possibly a wig.

Well, let me tell you, my last purchase was my largest and I am running out of room in my stash. I need to get some larger storage!! I got a couple of flare dresses, and after all this time I finally figured out how to order things in my size!!! I felt so accomplished. I also got myself a petticoat, and let me say, if you have never worn a flare dress (50's style) with a petticoat, you are missing out on some of the happiest moments life can deliver.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, I guess I have so much to say after decades of being silent, that I just wanted to share some of this with everyone. As I said, I'm very much in the closest and when I'm not Steph I'm not wishing I was her in every moment of my life. I wish I could tell my wife, but that's not a road that can be travelled. It would destroy the relationship and while in a perfect world she would accept me with open arms and maybe even participate, I do not live in a perfect world and people that are accepting are few and far between. I do from time to time imagine being able to go out as Steph, but then reality snaps me back and I rememeber that I'm 6'3 and have an "A-frame" build.

PS I suck at makeup and I shouldn't have bought the all in one kit. It was stupid but I was worried about too many packages being delivered at different times during the day and it was just too risky. Now that the larger items are here I'm going to have to order the proper products so that I don't waste an entire hour with something I'm not happy with at all. It was soooo frustrating.