Hi from one of the new gurls

Hello everyone, I'm Brielle and have been a closeted crossdresser for about 6 decades (!). My story is pretty typical of many - started very young, tried on sisters' and mom's clothes, eventually started slowly purchasing my own things, but purged every time I moved or changed life stages. I didn't dress completely (including wig, make-up, etc.) until I was in my early 20s. This was a time when no one really went out en femme except for Halloween and drag performers. I never had the nerve to crossdress in public then anyway. Crossdressing was a gag joke on Carol Burnett and variety shows.

I purged when I got married, thinking this would pass once I had full intimacy and a day-to-day relationship with my wife. For a few years, that was pretty much true. Every once in a while I'd try on her bra or panties (she's very petite so clothes or shoes were way too small). But eventually, when I was doing periodic travel for my job, I began to buy clothes, shoes, a wig, etc. and take a second bag with me on trips. I even took some things on a trip by air (did that a few times back in the early 90s) when you could get away with locking your checked bags. I was found to have prostate cancer a few months shy of my 40th birthday and purged shortly after, convinced God allowed the cancer as a warning to change my behavior (as if I didn't have enough guilt already!). The surgery was nerve-sparing and I'm 26 years cancer-free, so it was a good outcome. Bonus - with no prostate you have dry orgasms, so an advantage, but not the same feeling during intercourse.

Anyway, my wife and I started feeling anxious and depressed for other reasons, but I felt like a freak and felt like I wasn't a man or a woman or anything - an "it". Then she had to go away to help a sister and her mom with some health issues and I was home alone for most of 4 months. Amazon prime was at the ready, so I jumped back in to the deep end. Got my first (cheap) breast forms. What a difference! So that's what it's supposed to feel like!! My two cats thought I'd lost my mind since every night and weekend I was someone else. One night, I took my first selfie - before that it was always full body shots from a distance. I was suffering from a condition called essential tremor where my hands shook when I tried to do something intricate like, oh, say apply eyeshadow, mascara or false eyelashes. The selfie showed an old hag, and I abruptly decided it wasn't worth it anymore. I bagged up everything that night and threw it all out. Didn't stop my feelings or anything, but less guilt and no hiding at least.

Fast forward to 2020. I had Deep Brain Stimulation surgery to successfully stop the tremors. A small battery pack is implanted above my right breast (like a pacemaker), and we moved to the Pittsburgh metro for a new job. At the end of 2020, I had been working at home for nearly 10 months. I'm still working remote as of today. Love it!!! But suddenly around Christmas I was returning something at a store, and walked into the lingerie department and bought some Bali panties. Hadn't really been dwelling on dressing at all. And the floodgates opened!! Before I knew it, I'd ordered tops, short shorts, shapewear, a breast plate, v-panties with silicone padding, bras, make-up, wigs, accessories (including purses), the whole deal. My wife had been working a couple of days a week where she left at 6 AM and got back at anywhere from 6-9 PM, so I could dress completely en femme. This summer, she was visiting family for a week or so, so I got French manicure glue-on nails to complete the look.

The breast plate is amazing! It really clinched it for me - hid the battery pack in my chest, hid the wrinkly neck, and the feel is to die for. Very warm, though, so you can't be very active or you are dripping like a cold pop bottle in July sun. Anyway, I decided I was going to continue to crossdress and it was way too late to tell my wife about my secret. A couple of weeks after she returned, I read a one-page "letter" revealing my femme side that I recently named Brielle.

Initially, the wife was somewhat supportive, and appreciated my vulnerability. After a few days to chew on it, the anger and resentment kicked in. Now, we have a good day or two, then she'll learn a little more and it sets her off. We've tried our best to keep discussions calm and respectful. She even surprised me last week to say she thought it would be fun to go see a drag show! We have boundaries such as none of this in our bedroom (she married a man, not a woman, after all!), no secrets, no dressing in front of her (yet).

The thing I'm struggling with now is what happens next? Do I just dress occasionally at home alone? Do we go out with me en femme ever? Do I get active with local groups and CD conferences? Do I want hormones (Brielle is screaming "YESSS!"  in the back of my mind)? Will my wife stay if I do (probably not)? Would I have SRS (doubtful at my age - I've already had my quota of invasive surgeries, thanks)? Will I decide or my wife decide this won't work and I figure out how to put Brielle to rest? All these things are awash in my brain while I search for another job (3 layoffs in 5 years - nothing to do with this).

Well, God never said life would be easy. Ha!