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My partner just came out to me about cross dressing, and I've made sure he knows that a) he's safe with me, he won't ever be judged or othered by me b) if he needs a safe space to dress up, he can use my apartment and c) that I feel he should always feel secure to freely express himself. But I'm having a hard time with my own emotional reaction, I'm experiencing like, INTENSE grief, like I'm mourning losing what I thought my life would look like. And I feel wretchedly guilty; like; I would lay down my LIFE for anyone's right to do this, and would use my own body as a shield to protect them in it, so like; why is it shattering me so dramatically inside my own relationship? It's making me feel like a complete POS and I can't stop bursting into tears for just, so many different reasons. This is the best man I've ever encountered, and he's the same man he was before he told me, and it's just clothes and makeup, so why is this so hard? Where do I start?
@alleycatonafence Hi, Caitlin, firstly, HE IS the same man. He is also a man who has the courage and confidence to recognise and embrace the feminine part that most men deny or bury (see "Purges" in many of our bio's).
I hope you share your feelings with him as you've shared with us, I'm certain you'll find him only too willing to help you understand.
And, of course, so will we.
Allie
@alexina I honestly have a sincere understanding that this is also related to all the things I love most about him, his softness and sweetness, his compassion and gentleness, his artisticness and I mean, to me, to be one hundred percent true to yourself and expression is equally the most manly AND the most woman thing to do lol.
It's kind of BECAUSE of all that, that I'm struggling with the fact that I'm struggling if that makes sense. It's been shocking and confusing to me that I've had such an intense response. I don't think it comes more open or supportive than me, but I have to admit this threw me for a loop, which in itself threw me for a loop lol
And thank you for your time and thoughtful response c: it's so relieving to get to see so early that it's an active community here!
Hi Caitlin, welcome to CDH.
And thank you for reaching out to our community in this way. It takes courage, but rest assured you will meet nothing except empathy and understanding here. It means a lot to us that you have come looking for advice, and I promise you it will mean even more to your husband.
Please do not feel bad about yourself. Guilt is part and parcel of the crossdresser's world. You are bound to be confused about how things have turned. There is always a period of adjustment. Just give it time.
The best advice I can give is this; read our stories here on the site. You will discover a host of ordinary people who share a passion that society does not yet fully comprehend or accept. It's a passion that is a deep part of us, and never leaves us no matter how hard we try. The love and support of an SO therefore means the world to us.
You'll also discover that those of us who are married love our wives very much. It's precisely that love which forces many of us to dress in secret, for fear of losing what we cherish most.
I hope this ramble makes some sort of sense. Please keep talking to us, and, most of all to your husband.
@jacquelinelarkspur it definitely makes sense c: thank you for your encouragement
@alleycatonafence Hey Caitlin
Here's the link to our support forum for wives and significant others. It's a closed forum, so the rest of the membership don't have access:
For the Wives and Significant Others – Crossdresser Heaven Forums
But oh my goodness, Caitlin ... DO NOT beat yourself up over this. You haven't done anything wrong. You are being quite astonishingly wonderful, and your partner is so lucky to have you in his life.
You're being everything he needs you to be at the moment, but you also need to give yourself some emotional space in which to come to terms with all of this.
Yes you're still the same people, yes 'it's only clothes and makeup' ... nothing has changed, but at the same time everything has.
Is it okay if I point you towards a couple of books that might help?
“Living with Crossdressing” by Savannah Hauk (2017) and “My Husband Betty” by Helen Boyd (2003) could both be really helpful for you right now. Both were written specifically to help couples. The first is by an MTF crossdresser and the second is by the wife of one. Another good title is "Head Over Heels: wives who stay with cross-dressers and transexuals" by Virginia Erhardt (2007). The latter is a collation of the experiences of 30 women, and is very honest about the emotions involved.
And it goes without saying that I'll be happy to friend you, if you'd like that.
Feel good about yourself though Caitlin. You're being incredible right now.
Hugs
Ellie x
@ellyd22 I'm so glad I found this site, thank you so much for your kind words, I'm literally having a relief cry. I've spent my entire life (my first pride parade was kindergarten) an ally, it's been so bizzare to me to have such an intense reaction.
And thank you so much for the book recommendations as well, that's EXACTLY the kind of stuff I was looking for, I'm a scholar and a researcher lol I definitely want to dig in so I deeply appreciate such a clear nudge in the perfect direction c:
You're very, very welcome Caitlin.
If there's anything else you need, don't hesitate to get in touch - either on the Forums or by PM.
Hugs
Ellie x
If he came out to you about his crossdressing then that’s shows how much he loves you. It takes a lot of courage to do this and he has chosen you to tel his life long secret. I k ow my wife had thoughts that she wasn’t enough of a woman for me when I came out to her but I reassured her that wasn’t the case. Once I explained my story to her she actually felt bad for me as for a boy/ man having these desires with no one to turn to and no internet at that time. Yes we have had ups and downs about my dressing but if any it had brought us closer together as a couple. She wants me to do what makes me happy and now encourages it at times. I’m sure that if you’re ok with it you can set guidelines on what’s acceptable to keep both sides happy.
@cdashley I can definitely understand that, and thank you for sharing it. Of course I can admit that I wish I was the feminine healing energy in his life, but for me it's as simple as; the way he delivered it, "this is healing to me" and believe me when I say I will lay down my very life to defend his ability and right to express this way, that's precisely why it feels so important to me to examine what on earth is going on inside me lol
And I think you're 100% right about boundary setting being one of the foundational success tickets; I just never envisioned or prepared for this so I'm not sure yet what my boundaries are. But I DO know to express them to him as I discover them.
There are honestly parts I'm stoked on, I hope he asks me someday how to flick the perfect wingtip or how I get my hair to do that beach wave lolol
I hope he asks me someday how to flick the perfect wingtip or how I get my hair to do that beach wave lolol
He may well ask someday. On the other hand, it may embarrass him and prevent him from asking, even though he may be itching to. You could do worse than take the initiative and broach the topics yourself. I'm sure you would do it in a nurturing way, and I guarantee he would appreciate it.
@jacquelinelarkspur I'm hopeful he'll feel comfortable approaching it. We're only a few days post revelation, like on night one I wasn't sure if it was okay to ask to see a picture, but he was so excited I was interested, and that led to him asking if we could try hanging out after he's dressed up once, to which I said of course I want to see how it feels lol so I'm hopeful he'll feel comfy enough to bring it up, if not I'll definitely drop some hints like, 'biss this is my hands down favorite eye liner' lolol
You are absolutely right to take it slow and steady. From what you've said so far, you've already made enormous progress in dealing with things.
May I ask, is your husband a member of CDH? Sorry if this has been mentioned before and I've missed it!
@jacquelinelarkspur I haven't asked him yet, he's been at a family event all day, but I'm definitely going to bring it up/ask. A) I just want him to know how on his team I am and b) I think he should be here if he isn't already. Like, even if he and I don't work out in the long run (for this or any other reason) this is an invaluable resource he should have in his toolbox. And I've made it clear to him I'm on his team no matter what our relationship looks like. Vulnerable people don't have enough security and safety, and I intend to provide that for him regardless of our romantic status
I think he'll be bowled over by what you've done so far. Please tell him that there will be a warm welcome for him here.
(We're not used to using male pronouns when referring to each other! Or rather, we are used to using female pronouns!)
@jacquelinelarkspur I'm still figuring out precisely what he likes, with my roommate it's easier; he identifies as genderfluid so I call him babyboy as much as babygirl, but I think my partner is more the type to only use swapped pronouns when actively dressed up, but I still use them when we discuss it? Like I said the other night "if it heals you; you go get your medicine babygirl" and I know he appreciated that, but he also expressed that he identifies as male and doesn't feel trans, so I want to make sure I'm walking that line gracefully lol
@alleycatonafence Oh I learned tons from my wife and the funny thing is now it’s gone full circle. She will ask me if I have any pantyhose she can borrow for the odd time she will need a pair , she loves some of the outfits I put together and asks me mg opinion on her outfits, she asked me to show her how I did my eyeshadow ons day as she was getting ready to go out, she has borrow lipstick , perfume and my new thing , press on nails.
@cdashley I can definitely believe that! From my experience with my male cd'ing roommate; he has literally made me a better girl lol
Hi Caitlin, accepting SO here, welcome! Please do not feel guilty, nor like a POS for your reaction. From what you have written it sounds like you are way ahead of the game just from your background, experiences and lifestyle. However, when things hit so close to home and on a much more personal level, well then it IS different no matter how good or accepting a person we are. And that's ok, you need time to process.
As far as "mourning" the loss of your anticipated life, you are correct to feel that way. It does not mean things won't turn out even better, it just means it's not what you thought you signed on for, or expected. Give yourself time to go thru the mourning process. It's important and you're not a monster for taking a breath to think things over and figure out how this will affect your lives.
What the others have said rings true, the person you are with is the same person whether en femme or in drab. That doesn't necessarily make things easier for us SO's though. I totally understand the feelings you are having and I still feel some guilt now and then. Figure out some boundaries you are both good with, and communicate often.
I didn't find out about the cross dressing until after 26 years of marriage and now we are rounding the big 30! I truly think the whole experience has brought us closer. I can tell you it's not always perfect or easy, but sister, at least our life ain't boring 🙂
So hang in there, go through the process, set boundaries and communicate. Soon enough you may find you have the best of both worlds, a loving partner and new girlfriend.
@jb thank you for your kind words and you really made me laugh at the end there c:
I really was struggling with feeling like, not being excited makes me not the perfect partner for this man, but in getting to talk to so many people here I've been able to see that like, my earnestness to come to terms with this and do the work DOES make me a good contender lol even just hearing someone say 'I wish my partner could view it like you' was so helpful it felt like a balm going on, and to hear I'm not the only SO that initially struggled. I'm so so glad I found this place to process
@alleycatonafence Caitlin, sounds like you are both lucky to have each other in your lives. You both seem so concerned not to hurt the other. Your acceptance and encouragement will make his life easier.
While you are exploring your own feelings about this you are likely to question him and your relationship. It may bring you closer or drive a wedge between the two of you.
But it sounds like you are a very caring person, and may see that while you still care for him and his feelings that having a close relationship is not for you.
BUT who knows what the future holds this could go so many ways.
My best to the both of you
Cassie
@loneleycd thank you for your kind words c: I'm very new to this, but I think he and I are good at communicating, and I'm hopeful that it will end up bringing us closer together
@alleycatonafence Of the stories on CDH dealing with anything similar, many members have recommended family/gender therapy for the CD.
In your case, if you can afford the cost, having an impartial person to talk to would be very efficient at resolving some or all of your issues. Having your partner involved and each of you hearing your comments to each other directly could be a bonus.
The effort and enthusiasm that you apply will boost a successful outcome.
@harriette I'm definitely looking into lgbt-geared counseling for myself, and he and I are both definitely open to couples counseling as well. I think we're already on a good track though, he's such a respectful person I know all I have to do is communicate my boundaries, which is helping me be more open and excited about it. I got to see him tonight, and on the way out the door I grabbed a little jewelry bag and put together a couple chokers and rings that are resizeable or too big for me to give to him, and it felt awesome to make him feel special, so I'm starting to feel like I'm more ready for it than I thought I would be c:
@alleycatonafence Yes, good, clear communication is key. I wish you both well going forward.
Please, keep in touch, if you can.
Hi Caitlin,
I’d like to add my own welcome to CDH.
I’ve read through this thread and I have to say, you’re handling this so very well.
For many of us on here, having a supportive partner is the holy grail, and your partner certainly has that in you.
For a lot of us, me included, that conversation hasn’t yet taken place, so the fact that he’s risked everything in coming out to you speaks volumes about both him and you.
The feelings you’ve described that you’re having are perfectly natural. This is a big change that you’re facing, and I can only re-iterate the advice about taking things slowly.
Also, I understand that you don’t know if he is a member here. If he’s not already, then I would certainly suggest that you encourage him to join. He would be made extremely welcome here, and would learn about all of the different experiences people have had, some of which will I’m sure resonate with your current situation.
Lucy
@lucyb112 thank you! I was able to see him tonight and tell him about CDH, he didn't know about it and my joke was "it's 'heaven' but I swear it should be 'haven'" it's such a safe, warm, welcoming place. He can be pretty demure at times, as one can imagine lol, so I can't tell if he's interested in joining, but I could tell it made him really happy that I've been doing all this research and processing. I also brought him a cute lil bag of some girly trinkets for keeps and I could tell that made him feel really special too, all of which made me feel like I'm probably a lot more ready for most of this than I thought I was lol
@alleycatonafence That’s a nice touch.
Just let him know that, if he does decide to join, he’d be made very welcome.
@lucyb112 I definitely plan to gush more the next time it comes up, I'm trying to take his lead on when we bring it up, but I definitely want him to know there's such a perfect, perfect space for both of us, separately or together. Honestly, in just 24 hours I feel like all the love and processing here on this thread has launched me to a place of understanding and comfort and security I assumed would take a lot longer to get to. I really can't stress enough how much hearing from everyone has helped, I'll definitely do my best to make sure he knows, without making him feel pressured or skittish lol
@alleycatonafence Yes, taking his lead is definitely the right move. He may decide he doesn’t need something like CDH, and talking to you about it may be all he needs, but it sounds as if you’ll work it out between you
@lucyb112 exactly! And I would be pumped and honored to be sufficient support. I also want to make sure I'm not bringing it up all the time because I want him to know that while I understand this is a sacred and important part of him; I know this one thing doesn't singularly define who he is as a person
@lucyb112 I'm just really convinced the universe wants us in each other's lives, so I want to actively learn how to be the best team mate for him
One of the main functions of CDH is to act as a support network; it's so wonderful to know that you're getting so much out of being here. But, honestly Caitlin, it's working both ways. You can see just how much your own presence here means to so many members.
From what I've read you don't need couples therapy. I think you've got everything figured out already.
And your partner may not need to join the site (although he'll be welcomed with open arms if he does) because you're already his perfect space.
Hugs
Ellie x
@ellyd22 I definitely agree with you, after all the conversations we've had I think couple's therapy would just be us weirdly bragging about bonding over this hahaha. But it's always good to know that it's a resource there for us that we're both actually willing to tap into if need be
I'd definitely be honored to be his safe haven or harbor for it, I'm definitely discovering how much I relish in watching him feel affirmed and seen and appreciated as he is, not "in spite of" but "in combination with" lol
Just yesterday he tried to suggest that he could give it up forever, so that's an option if I need it; and that was just, so absolutely NOT an option for me, like I canNOT be the reason he gives up something that brings him happiness. And I think that exchange showed both of us how much the other person's feelings matter
It's actually pretty common for CDs to promise that they'll give up dressing for ever. They may even believe that's possible. In the vast majority of cases though, it isn't. Dressing is part of our nature; it isn't something that can be simply locked away in a box and forgotten about. Attempting to do that just leads to unhappiness in the long run.
I was with my ex for 15 years. She never knew about the crossdressing. During that time I buried who I was, telling myself I was doing so for the sake of the relationship. I dressed on only a handful of occasions during those 15 years, furtively and guiltily. And, yes, that made me deeply unhappy.
My partner was NOT, by the way, someone I could ever have confided in. It was a very controlling, toxic relationship that I felt unable to break out of.
After she'd gone (which is 16 years ago now) and the dust had settled I was free to dress again.
It transformed me.
It's an essential part of who I am. I hadn't fully realised it back then, but I'm trans. I wish I hadn't had to suppress that fundamental part of myself for all that time.
I've dressed full-time at home ever since her departure. I've never been happier 🙂
Hugs
Ellie x
@ellyd22 that's EXACTLY how I saw it; just because you stop getting dolled up doesn't mean it goes away. That will always be inside of him, a part of him, a beautiful part that deserves to come out of hiding and be seen and celebrated. To shutter it in or shut it out seems so so unhealthy to me. We can't deny who we are, and especially because my partner uses the word "healing" associated with his cross dressing, and I genuinely agree it's better to be true to it and express it than to try to "shut it off"
It's obviously not something I'll ever "force" him to keep doing if he wants to stop in his own regard, but I've made it really clear that I cannot be the reason he stops, and that if he ever does that I think continuing care would be necessary, like a counselor, someone who can help unpack. But I think me making it clear that I would rather this be a part of our lives than not is helping him let go of that silly notion. I imagine it's just something he always assumed he would "have" to do, but I'm certainly not going to be the one to make him do it.
And even though it was a painful road, I am glad you have found yourself and been able to become and be and remain yourself c: that must be a really special feeling, to finally be there. And I know the pain of abuse and control, it can mess up ANY psyche, not to mention those of us with more vulnerable ones to start with
Just because you stop getting dolled up doesn't mean it goes away. That will always be inside of him, a part of him, a beautiful part that deserves to come out of hiding and be seen and celebrated. To shutter it in or shut it out seems so so unhealthy to me. We can't deny who we are.
This. Just this.
@alleycatonafence If my wife decided she wanted to grow a beard and wear guy clothes I would be very confused , emotional and feel like a hypocrite at the same time. How could "I" As part of and supportive of the community have difficulty with that. I force myself to watch drag on TV. it makes me feel like a POS how can "I" feel this is wrong. I need deprogramming but my software is having trouble with compatibility. Although I'm absolutely fine with others being whoever they are, why then when it hits home is it any different. being around men in Drag always made me so uncomfortable I didn't show it but im squirming inside to just get away. This has all gotten so much better since I Joined CDH I still have work to do on myself but im getting there thanks to everyone here and all the different perspectives. Thank you for being the type of person to not just shut the door but to open it and learn about, and try to understand whats on the other side. this world needs more like you. he is very lucky. have a great day RC
@river thank you for your kind words c: and I'm definitely lucky too, I think it's amazing how open and secure he's able to be about it, there are really clearly defined lines on his end that make me super comfortable and secure about it too, and even be excited about and enjoy it, we've had us some real good laughs and the like, I definitely see how it can bring us closer together
@alleycatonafence There is no need to feel grief. You haven't lost anything. In fact you have GAINED something. You have a partner that feels secure enough to tell you his most deeply held secret. You have a partner that will never complain about going clothes shopping. You have a partner that won't go all alpha male and become toxically masculine. You have a partner that obviously loves you. You have a partner that you can experiment with hair and make up on. You have a fashion guide. You have someone that you can enjoy.
Don't think of it as losing the life you thought you were going to have. Think of it as looking forward to the life that you are GOING to have.
Embrace the future. Roll with it and it will be fun! If you have worries, discuss them. Set boubdaries if you must. My wife is fully supportive. I have virually free reign to do as I please, but there are rules. I'm not allowed a female name. I can't get my nails done. I can't have a secend set of piercings in my ears. Other than that, I can be Cerys as much as I like. I often spends days at a time as Cerys. It's taken us a long time to get here. My wife was fully supportive many years ago, but turned against it almost instantly.... It took many years for her to come around again. She did, and now we are more solid than ever. She even borrows my posh dresses to go to functions. I advise her on clothes. She advises me. She had become more adventurous as to what she wears, as she can try my stuff on and see how she likes it before going out and buying her own.
Having a crossdressing partner has way more advantages than it does disadvantages.
Cerys
@dazzler Ceryn, thank you for sharing such a wonderful story. I'm a relatively new CDer and am working with my wife who is becoming more supportive every day.
XXX
Jamie
@jwhite I'm so glad you're here! Stick around, it's a comfy place full of really lovely humans of all kinds
@alleycatonafence Hi Caitlin, you are absolutely correct. I’ve only been in CDH for just over a month and feel the support everytime I log in.
Jamie
@dazzler oh I've fully embraced it. We haven't hung out with him dressed up yet, but on one of the first nights after he told me I brought him a little jewelry bag of trinkets so like, even if my words didn't convey my support, there'd be a tangible little reminder. I asked if he had a female name just today actually, and he didn't so we brainstormed a while together and had a laugh there, we didn't land on anything but it was still fun. As I've had time and gotten in here I've realized how much more ready for this I am than I thought I was or would be
Caitlin, once you get over the shock and start o think about it you see that it can be fun and there are benefits. Enjoy your journey together. Don't be afraid to set limits. Sometimes we get a bit carried away 🙂 Please keep us informed as to how things are going and of any adventures you have.
Cerys
@dazzler I'll definitely be sticking around, with him and here lol I've communicated all my hard lines, and they line up pretty well with his current preferences, we got really lucky in that. And I'm honestly not sure we could hit "too much" for me. I take his lead on when we bring it up, which he doesn't very often, but when he does it's like, I actively enjoy getting to affirm or reaffirm him. It really is just another thing to love about him and another way to love him
@dazzler way more so and quicker than I'd have thought, yeah lol and I'm lucky too, I feel like this experience has made me more myself as well. I got to find out that when push comes to shove, I really am made of love, and I have a whole new way to love my person and make them feel good and seen
Hey Caitlin,
I'm no therapist, but I am a social scientist. So, I'll jump in and share some thoughts, but don't think I'm more of an expert than I am. I can share ideas, but I'm not qualified to counsel.
One thing that is pretty consistent with humans is how important our expectations are to our sense of well being. When things go the way we expected (even if it's negative) we often feel better than when we're surprised (even if its positive). Often, our expectations are sub conscious and created for us by society. Sometimes, unexpected things can make these expectations explicit. Sometimes we can feel distress or sorrow when an expectations isn't fulfilled, and not really understand what's going on. Sometimes our culture shapes us in deep ways and it can be hard to figure out what's going on.
So, when we think about people we want to have relationships with, we have all these cultural ideas about what those relationships and people should look like. It could be a mentor, a friend, a coworker, a boss, an employee, a spouse, or any kind of relationship. Each one of those social roles carries with it certain expectations. These are created by society and culture, but also by us individually. When we learn something about a partner than doesn't fit whatever our expectation was, it can be really hard.
Sometimes, part of the hard feelings involve feeling like a hypocrite. In my own relationship with my wife, there are things that I definitely feel one way about when it's someone else, but struggle with when it's my wife. We're often fine with things in the abstract, but feel differently when it's closer to home. We're often fine with, and supportive of "others" rights, but feel differently when some things become more personal. That doesn't make you a bad person, it's just the reality of how we experience life. Things that are close affect us differently than things that are far away, even if they're the same things.
The good news here is that you're not a "POS" for feeling this way. You should see this as a chance for growth and a normal part of any relationship (though I admit cross dressing isn't exactly normal). These kinds of experiences give us the opportunity to understand ourselves and our culture better. In my marriage, learning to consciously see my expectations and adjust them to make them better (i.e. fairer, more just, nicer, more equitable etc.) has been a wonderful source of growth. Often, just realizing you have an expectation is enough to change it for the better. Honestly exploring these feelings with your partner can be a powerful tool for building a better relationship. It creates a chance to increase honesty and connection and understand each others' needs in deeper ways. I don't know how long you've been together, but if not for cross dressing, you'd probably face something else with the same effect eventually (why doesn't he wash the dishes correctly . . . )
If it helps, whenever my wife expresses concern with something associated with cross dressing, it's almost always something I've already thought and worried about myself. That doesn't trivialize her feelings, I just want to say that your partner has probably worked through a lot of these feelings himself and is likely to understand and will be patient as you work through this. I think you should take it as a compliment that he has come out to you, and an indicator of his quality as someone who wants to do right in a relationship by being honest and open. It will be hard, but good things are always built through effort, including relationships.
Hope that helps.
@raven188 thank you so much for sharing what I'll definitely call your expertise lol I have a very scientific oriented mind and that's exactly the kind of break downs I need when I'm chewing over. I definitely felt honored that he felt safe enough to come out to me, and as I've been adjusting and blooming to this I've discovered I really enjoy giving him a safe space where he can express those things. It's just as you said; it's about managing expectations. I think all of us should aim to go into our endeavors with no expectations but ready to accept people where they are. And it comes with it's own set of cool things like jokes, and more things to share with and teach each other. He just gave me a cute jacket that was too small for him, and I gave him some jewelry that was too big for me lol I can hear the puzzel pieces in that hahaha
@alleycatonafence I'm glad it was helpful.
To be clear, I think expectations are fine and important. Boundaries are important in relationships too. The key I think is to be aware and conscious about our expectations and realize sometimes they'll take us by surprise. Unexpected things can facilitate this awareness and help us grow.
@raven188 right, I definitely agree with you there. Some expectations are healthy for sure, like, I expect my partner to not cause my physical harm is a good basic one. I imagine the real ticket is the same as with boundaries; they don't work if you don't *communicate* them lol and I got lucky with that, I know I can bring up whatever I need to bring up with him, I know I can trust him with my squishy little feelings, and I think I'm making him feel that same secure way. Definitely makes me feel like we've got an advantage lol
I feel like I would be remiss not to come add that after a few days to process and being able to spend a lot of time together, I'm already feeling wicked positive about it compared to my initial reaction. I understand his lines and identity and reasonings/drives in a way that helps me be able to celebrate and be stoked about this. I've really enjoyed coming up with little ways to affirm him, like I told my mom all all about him bc he's out to his family, and she absolutely gushed about how gorgeous he is dressed up, and he absolutely LIT UP when I got to tell him about it, like it's just becoming really clear to me that I actually AM the exact partner to be an awesome teammate in this. It's just so clear to me that this facet is also related to everything else I love so much about him (his gentleness/tenderness, how considerate and sweet and creative and artistic he is) that I can't help but celebrate it honestly. It's really just given me another way to love my person c:
I'm glad things are going well. Time and patience are among the most powerful forces in healthy relationships.
It's just becoming really clear to me that I actually AM the exact partner to be an awesome teammate in this.
I think that's abundantly clear to anyone following this thread.
@ellyd22 can never say enough how happy and grateful I am to have ended up here, I truly needed to hear from the community to get it
And I'm stoked to be a lil participant out here helping stoke others' growth and acceptance and navigation as well c:
You're being more helpful than you know.
I'm really appreciating the depth, honesty and fullness of your replies. I know that sentiment will be widely shared.
Thank you so much for being here.
Ellie x
.Caitlin -
Welcome to CDH. It is wonderful that you are being supportive and that you have come here to get information.
XOXO
Suzanne
What happens to you is the most normal thing, it is difficult for us to understand. I told my wife and she ignores it, I tried to get her to find out things, to understand that I am still the same husband. It hurt me a lot that he simply thought I was gay, and I didn't want to know anything more. If I didn't love her so much I wouldn't be with her anymore. He is the only person with whom I have wanted to talk about my transvestism, he is the only person with whom I want to share it. But if she remains closed to the subject, I don't know how we will end up. Now I love her more than ever, but being Carla makes me happier every time.
@carla66 you definitely have to be true to yourself no matter what. I can't imagine the pain of not being accepted, or even like, only being partially accepted
I read this one article that insisted that "reluctant acceptance" is still acceptance, and I'm struggling with that because I feel like my partner deserves to be with someone that's excited about him, about every aspect of him
But he pointed out to me that BECAUSE my acceptance is a little challenging for me, that it makes it more valuable to him, so I'm definitely out here trying to figure out how to be the best teammate at this, while still being comfortable and true to my own self as well
Thank you for sharing your experience c:
If you love each other, this trip will unite you like never before, it will make you happier, you will be able to play and have fun. Surely he is having a very bad time, he knows he is hurting you, but if he told you it is because he loves you and doesn't want to lose you. If you try to learn about the subject, help him, he will come to love you like he has never loved you before. It is very difficult for both of us, if you share it between the two of you it is easier and simpler. Don't look for far-fetched explanations, for now he is a man who likes women's clothing, that's it. Kisses from Carla
@carla66 I really really believe you're right about that. I'm honestly comfortable with his reasons, we both experienced a lot of trauma in childhood, and one of the sweet ways he explained it was "it was never a woman hurting me, and it was never a woman getting hurt" so it's like a safe space where he can step back and process, or even just escape and take a break, and I'm so here for that. He's also an artist, I mean think about paint and light and colors, dressing up is art lol
And he identifies as male and has done the soul searching re am-I-trans? And doesn't believe himself to be, and obviously I trust his word on that. It sounds limited of me, but I can't change the fact that I'm heterosexual, but this doesn't seem to be encroaching on that for me, I'm starting to think as long as we keep it completely uninvolved in our sex life, that I could probably get comfortable with incorporating it more, like going out dressed to shop or do an event together. I'll figure out what I'm able to do as I go lol
I wish my wife would join this group, that would make me love her like never before.
Hi Caitlin, welcome! I think it's great that you're here seeking ways to move forward. I know that the SO section of CDH is not the most active, but I feel it's every bit as important as this one. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that your SO feels very similar to you and that revealing what we like to do to our beloved is no small feat, as you'll see if you read a great many forum posts here.
Your definition is, IMO, entirely accurate - you feel like you've lost something, that there's some grieving to be done. And you may be correct - you may indeed now be aware of some path of your journey that may no longer be - perhaps. However, it seems fair to consider that a path of happiness you had not previously considered may now be possible. I feel that humans tend to look at things as OR situations - it can be this or that. But I think that so many of those are actually AND situations - both this and that could coexist.
Given the short amount of time you've had to deal with this information, I think it's fine to give yourself some time to adjust. I would urge both of you to have fairly frequent talks in the beginning about how things are, allowing him the opportunity to disclose more and allowing you the chance to ask more. As I've noted previously, I feel the CD and the SO are feeling very much the same things, but we have the distinct advantage of being the ones in our head. That doesn't always mean we know exactly what's going on in there, but when it becomes clear we do get to know first.
Again, welcome and good on ya for even joining and posting, I feel it's a step that will truly help move you forward.
@melodeescarlet you are definitely right about that and I really appreciate you pointing it out, and I feel like me reading your message was so well timed for me; today I've gone far enough into processing to be able to realize, like, oh shit; I can't WAIT for him to come to me to ask about girly things lol so there are, exactly like you're saying, other paths and pieces of happiness that had just, never occurred to me. I was made to love someone, to make someone feel safe and held, and I think I would argue that this is a demographic of men (and women and nb's as well obviously) that need love and acceptance even MORE than most of us, and I definitely see that as an opportunity to be my fullest self
Caitlin, thank you SO much for sharing, it means so much to all of us here on CDH. Your feelings mirror those of my SO. She, like you, would stand in the way of anyone who would deny someone the right to express as their heart tells them to. And like you, I have no doubt she struggles with it on a deeply personal level. She is supportive, she encourages and she has boundries which I am more than happy to respect. But she is making sacrifices that I'm certain are not what she could have been prepared for. And I love her more than anyone in my life, partly because of those sacrifices. I wish I could help her more.
What I'm hearing in your story is a woman who dearly loves her man and recognizes so many fine qualities in him. Don't ever underestimate the courage it took for him to show you such honesty. Surely that quality alone is hard to find. Give this some time, talk (but take breaks), the books Ellie Davis mentioned will be educational. Hopefully you can both come to compromises that leave both of you happy and in love.
Robyn
@robyn1408 you're definitely right. I'm so so happy I found CDH
I knew I needed to hear from so's, but I knew hearing from other cd's would help me so much. One of my initial instincts was to feel so guilty that I'm not able to accept this with total excitement, like I'm not the perfect partner for him, but hearing from both sides, and ESPECIALLY the one I'm not on, has helped me see how much that helps my partner VALUE the work I'm doing, and that fills me with more than enough hope to embark on this journey
And I'm definitely starting with those titles, I love perfect source material to devour lol
I hope you find the books helpful.
When you've finished them, there are others that I can point you towards.
Ellie x
@ellyd22 I keep hoping to find new books in the same vein as My Husband Betty, Head Over Heels, and Living With Crossdressing. Perhaps something more current. Books that focus on couples. If you know of something or have read something similar I would be all ears.:)
Robyn
You are already doing much more for yourselves than you think. Don't have guilty feelings, your partner probably has them too. Speak. They have instilled some dogmas in us, and we feel guilty if you don't comply with them. It's simpler, they are feelings. But as you see there are only good intentions.
Kisses from Carla
@carla66 you're completely right! The more I study it, the more normal it has become to me. There really ISN'T anything weird about it, what's honestly weird is our reactions to it. But 5% of the American population isn't "weird" I'm pretty sure that qualifies as 'statistically significant'. I definitely want to help him let go of that guilt and shame that comes with it, y'all should be able to just celebrate and enjoy
Hi Caitlin,
Firstly thank you so much for coming on this forum as a womans perspective is only ever interpreted and here you are saying it as it is and letting it all out.
I am sure your emotions are doing cartwheels as you try to get to grips with the information and feel so alone. I am sure your partner is also having similar thoughts as to how this will pan out for the future.
Naturally this changes the dynamics of the relationship as you may have had an image and route this would take, now there could be a many routes and a different destination. There will also be many questions too.
I can only say that you work all the scenarios in your head and even write them down then talk them through with your partner. He himself needs to know where he is with the crossdressing and where he wants it to go.
The usual questions are - 'Are you gay, Bi or other', 'What will happen if we have children', 'Will we have to tell family/friends, and one that perhaps is resounding in your head,' Are you Transgender and thinking of having surgery' - the toughest one of all. It's quite a mass of things to assimilate but take your time and work it through. Do you have a bestie who you can confide in as some friendly support would be something to seek out or even a counselor.
What you have at the moment is that this person has qualities you love with an understanding of his crossdressing and wanting a future which is a great start. Nothing should be off the table and a happy life with the person you love is not impossible. Like any relationship things have to be worked out together and compromises made for success.
Again thank you so much for coming here and hope that you will come back as we are all here to help and are appreciative of a womans angle on things.
@ab123 I hadn't thought about that yet; I came here for help but it didn't occur that I could also help people by being here and open lol I'll definitely keep showing up, and thank you for your kind words
I got really lucky that he told me wicked early, and that he's already done all that soul searching, ie he's straight, still identifies as male, still monogamous. While I understand those are subject to change, I also know to take his word, and I trust him to know himself. So, for me (cisgenhetfem) it's the perfect scenario to not be too shaken up
I think I'm really discovering that it all comes down to boundaries and communication (and I mean, isn't that all relationships?) and I just don't know what mine are yet, but I think as they get established it will get easier and easier for me, I'm hoping to the point where I can celebrate and enjoy it, at least sometimes, because I really can see that in myself too.
For example, comedy and humor is one of the ways I process and cope, and I'm already piling up silly affectionate ones, like "I have the hottest bf AND gf" or "at least the only 'other' woman I have to worry about is you" lolol and thankfully he's a comedy fan, so I think we have an advantage in being able to bring it up in a way that breaks tension before discussing it if that makes sense
@alleycatonafence I love the use of humor. I'm sure he (gurl) will appreciate it. I would if my wife said that to me.
Jamie
@jwhite I'm hoping so, humor is about intent, so when you're coming from a place of love most of them land lol
I've also been intentionally calling him "pretty" and "beautiful" and "lovely" more though. He's always been those things to me, but some men don't like hearing it. It's nice to know that not only will it make him feel good to hear, but also seen and accepted
I'm definitely a communicative person, I want my acceptance to be something that's communicated even when he's not dressed up or even when we're not even talking about it too
@ab123 oh! And I meant to say, I signed up for counseling at the same time I made my acct here, specifically lgbt minded counseling, and I *do* have the perfect bestie to talk to; a bi girl dating a trans man, so while it may be totally different, it's similar in it's differences lol and my other two besties are an amazing trans woman who started as a cd'er and a heterosexual genderfluid man who cd's as a hobby/pasttime/therapy, so life has completely surrounded and bolstered me for this c:
@alleycatonafence So happy to hear that Caitlin and it would seem you are certainly on the right track to get through your anxieties. My best wishes to you.
For example, comedy and humor is one of the ways I process and cope, and I'm already piling up silly affectionate ones, like "I have the hottest bf AND gf"...
My GF of 9 yrs will say things like this, and they're cute, but also meaningful when she says them, reaffirming my sense of self. 😊
@melodeescarlet that's awesome to hear c: I'm very worried about like, unintentionally ostracizing him with a joke, but I think he and I will find those lines together. Just as many of the jokes can be at/about me; like people have accused me (hetfem) of being a lesbian my entire life; I guess it turns out they were just a little bit right lolol
@alleycatonafence You'll feel your way through it together. If your reassurance and acceptance is genuine, he'll know and if he does ever feel hurt, hopefully he'll be able to tell you in a calm way.
As you noted, it's like any other relationship - honesty, communication, and patience will fuel 95% of it. 🙂
@melodeescarlet yeah, he knows him and his soft, squishy heart are the most important things to me for sure c: and I can't NOT accept him; he's the best, sweetest, most emotionally intelligent, silly, creative person I've ever met. It's not lost on me that this facet is a huge factor to all those other little pieces that I love
@alleycatonafence Sounds like you have all the grace you'll need, Caitlyn 🙂
@melodeescarlet I definitely needed to come here and talk to all you amazing, compassionate humans to realize that c: I'm SO glad I found CDH
Its ok to feel the way you do. If we CDers / TGs demand that its ok to feel the way we do. Its important we give others that same freedom to feel.
So my first bit of advice is its ok. My second bit of advice is its ok if you don't like it. My third bit is, its ok not to be sure of the future. Your stability within the framework of a 'normal' relationship has been shattered. And my 4th bit of advice is now the genie is out of the bottle yah gotta make sure your relationship doesn't become lopsided and its all about him/ her.
I don't dress in front of my wife, because she married me as a man. She isn't a lesbian. However I do wear tonail polish and we go together for pedicures. But none of my clothes / make-up is hidden.
Best of luck in this new journey. You will be ok.
@mary thank you so much c: coming here and being able to talk to so many different, helpful, kind people has really encouraged me that, with the right work put in, we'll find that balance that works for us
Caitlin,I am a long time crossdresser and I am single so please forgive me if I boil all this down to a few things.One is trust,you must both trust each other.Two,its very hard to tell the person you love that you crossdress.Three,its very hard to hear about this from your significant other.Please keep the lines of communication open between you and your husband.You have done nothing wrong,on the contrary you are trying to understand all the whys.Thank you big time for being the loving,understanding,kind person you are,and please forgive me,dont over think this too much. Go to a trusted counseler and go from there.Sincerely Michelle Brown.
@heels234 thank you so much for your sweet words c: we're definitely remaining open about it, when I saw him tonight I brought up this site as something that is helping and that I'm excited about, and so he knows there's this awesome resource here for him if he's interested. He's also out to his family and some friends (and has even gone out dressed up with them! c:) so I feel like he has a good handle on it and some level of security. I'm coming to grips with it a lot easier than I thought I would after being able to understand that my initial fear was normal. I'm even getting excited about the little things I never thought of, like I brought him a little jewelry bag with a few chokers and rings that are either adjustable or too big for me, and it was such a little thing that I could tell was really special to both of us
Hi Caitlin nice to meet you and happy you found and joined us girls here with intent to help learn more about your husband/girlfriend.. As all the wonderful girls here have said i cant add anything to them except for to tell you you are a special lady with a wonderful heart.. I met my wife 6 months later we were married came out to her right away thats been 41 years ago so it was right that her girlfriend and husband have been the happy threesome in our home ever since ha ha good luck Caitlin say hello sometime ..
Stephanie Bass
Caitlin,
Welcome to CDH!
I think you will find the community helpful, encouraging and supportive.
As some have said, don't beat yourself up for reacting as you have, and as you can see from many here working things out with an SO after finding out they are a CD is not uncommon.
My late wife, the greatest woman I ever knew, greatest wife I could ever have asked for actually allowed me to try on some of her things (I didn't have sisters growing up so no chance to start earlier), and well, I didn't know I was a CD until then.
I began to like it too much, so she asked me to stop so I did, and we went on fine from then on until her passing (though I missed being a CD to be honest).
This part of me bothered her greatly, as I believe it does many women and people which is okay as CD is against most "norms" and at least me, as a CD, I respect other people's feelings on it.
About 10 years after my wife died, (having not dated and having no SO all that time) I decided to give CD another try, well, I took to it more than I anticipated.
This is why I am a completely private dresser; no one knows but my cats, full time at home, (I live alone) as most if not all of my friends and family wouldn't understand.
And that is okay.
Anyway, just trying to say we all have a story, your reaction is not uncommon, cut yourself a little slack and continue to work things out as best you can.
People here at CDH are here to help as you may wish.
Again, welcome to CDH and wishing you and your SO mega blessings.
Catherine
@catherine0918 thank you for your encouragement and sharing all of that! I'm sorry you lost such an amazing person, but I'm glad in the wake of such a loss that you could like, return to yourself, I'm happy for you to have it back c:
I'm in enough now to feel hopeful and excited and like, the good kind of anticipation lol
@alleycatonafence I don't have anything to add to the great advice people have given you her so far. I do want to say that the extent to which you are working to make your partner feel seen, accepted and comfortable is just incredibly warm and loving. I'm sure this is all hard but you are an amazing person and I know you will find the way that is best for the two of you.
@lauren114 I honestly needed to come on here and hear from so many of these lovely people to realize that I WAS having a response rooted in love. I'm so so glad that my intincts are always to research and touch base and check in with people who know more than me lol, this was a more perfect place than I could have thought to ask for. Because of the processing I've done here and with my partner bc we're both able to comfortably talk about it, I'm already in a place where I get to be excited about it, we're both already making jokes, and sharing more things with each other. It feels good to love someone, and this is honestly just another way I can love my person c:
Caitlin,
You are most welcome.
Being able to help people in this area, even a little, well that brings me great joy and makes me feel a little better about me being a CD so thank you for the kind words, they mean much.
Glad to see you are feeling hopeful, a little excited, good kind of anticipation.
Who knows, maybe could happen, maybe not, if my wife had lived and I had been able to be a full CD when she was alive if she had accepted it I would have loved talking outfits, makeup, accessories, etc. with her, would have been fun, different part of our relationship, well at least to me, as well, I do love to chat about those things here to my friends at CDH, LOL!
Not saying it could happen or should, just saying you never know.
While I miss my wife, you are correct, I am glad to have being a CD back in my life. As much as I hate to admit it, I really do love being a CD and cross dressing.
Anyway, thanks for making my day with your kind reply, I am very grateful.
Gratefully, Catherine
Hey girlfriend
You already know I love you; it doesn't hurt me to have an occasional reminder of why that's the case 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing ... and expect a long PM in the next few days.
Hugs
Ellie x
Right back at you and thanks for the kind words!
I look forward to that PM! I always greatly enjoy your correspondence!
Blessings!
Catherine
