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I’m a late-30’s straight mwk Crossdresser. I was first curious about women’s underwear & pantyhose pre-teen and then it became a full on fetish from teenage onward. For the longest time I believed it was purely sexual in nature because as soon as I was ‘done’ I would immediately take the clothes off, be embarrassed about myself, and think “I’m never doing that again!”... but of course, every so often the urge would come back and hits me like a ton of bricks. Usually it’s after I see highly attractive & femininely-dressed women or handling my wife’s clothes (I.e. helping reorganize her closet full of dresses) that makes me want to wrap myself up in them.
Throughout my life I did the binge purge binge purge routine with women’s clothes. I’d get in a serious relationship and would forget about dressing at the beginning and think it was behind me, but again, it would always come back. Because I thought I could quit, I didn’t tell my wife about it until nearly 10 years after we were married. We were getting serious about kids and I knew it was time to come out. Probably another reason was my CDing was frequently front of mind...we were living in NYC at the time and with all the girls in heels and subway signs literally with crossdresser/drag ads saying they love their wife but really love their female wardrobe in their storage unit; really brought back my urges.
My wife is a strong LGBT advocate, so I kind of expected my coming out as a CD to be more accepting, but she was shocked and really, really upset that I broke her trust by lying all these years. I’m a strong athletic man, so I know it was hard for her to compute mentally. And add on that she felt like I had been living a double life and that “she didn’t know anything about me.” Of course that hurt me more than the standard ‘are you gay?’ type questions.
That was about two years ago and we’ve been mostly in a DADT relationship. I’m very glad I came out and from time to time we do talk about it, but she has zero (negative?) interest in seeing me dressed. At this point she is accepting enough to make plans to be out of the house for an evening every couple weeks to allow for me to dress at home.
What I’m feeling weird about my situation too, is that every time I feel she is more accepting, I read CD forums and then my CD progresses further. Before coming out to my wife, I never wore a wig or breast forms. I started that right after I first came out to her; and now I’m wearing make-up when dressed, underdressing at work, and starting to trim my body hair. And after reading posts saying how much you all love having shaved legs, I’m tempted to do that too! Add to that, now I have a CD forum account and am writing my story. Honestly, it feels weird. I really like my guy mode and life, but I am more accepting that I am a Crossdresser and it’s more than just a fetish. That being said, I’m still very closeted except for my wife knowing.
For the longest time it’s been 99.99% guy mode, 0.01% gurl (only when I’m all alone). I want to find the right balance in life but also want to be considerate of my lovely wife and two very young kids (<3). They come first, not me. Also, I’m pretty high up in a corporate job that’s really great, so I can’t risk that either.
I guess I’m joining this forum to try to be more open about my CDing, get some advice, and tackle a big looming question like figure out how and when to tell my kids so they don’t find some big shock and breach of trust the same way my wife did. And hopefully, be able to help others by sharing some of my lessons learned.
Welcome, Miss Michelle. My heart goes out to you. So many people think that crossdressing is just a fetish, but the wonderful ladies here know better. Once it becomes a part of us, we often find ourselves in a catch-22. Keeping it a secret from those we love maintains the all important stability of family life, but at the same time can do real psychological damage to us because we are denying our true selves. On the other hand, coming out and adopting an "honesty is the best policy" approach may keep us sane, but could easily confuse or hurt our loved ones who are either unable or unwilling to understand our feelings.
If there was a sure-fire solution, we probably wouldn't need a support group like CDH. But we're blessed to be in the company of thousands who face these same challenges every day. In the end, one way or the other, honesty will likely prevail, but coming out slowly and carefully - to those we trust will still love us afterward - is how I've chosen to proceed. I came out to my youngest daughter, who's in her 20's, and she was supportive and wonderful about it. I think she may have had a hint, but, didn't matter. It was a weight off my shoulders and a boost of confidence. I also have a sibling who is a big LGBT advocate. She will probably be next. She'll be shocked, but I believe she'll give me a big hug and be happy for me. I hope it will bring us closer together because we only talk once or twice a year.
We're always here to listen...and hug. Sometimes that's all we can offer, but sometimes it's enough. Add me if you like. My wall and inbox are always open and my shoulder is always here to cry on.
I'm glad to see someone introduce themselves so openly. I look forward to hearing more about you and your journey. I myself have not dressed in a very long time and have managed to fight off the urge for a long time while knowing it would never really go away. This week it came back very hard and I got started here. I even dressed up, albeit quickly and very minimally.
I am mostly concerned with how to come out to my wife. I doubt she would be forgiving at all if I had been hiding activity from her, but in our time together it has only been feelings.
Hi Michelle,
So glad you found this site. This is a safe and welcoming place to share, learn, advise, etc.
Explore what the site has to offer.
-Terri Anne
Hi and Welcome, Michelle! I am happy to have you join us here at CDH! Between the articles, forums, groups and chat, I believe that it will help and support your journey wherever it may take you. So please ask questions, read and engage with other members, there is a lot of wisdom here. Feel free to reach out anytime! - Hugs, Michelle
Welcome Michelle!
Michelle,
Welcome to CDH. Your story really resonated with me. I too am new here and have had a similar journey. I always believed that CDing was a fetish or phase but have come to realize it is part of me. Make time for Michelle - both you and your family will be happier.
Hugs - Gabi