New kid in town

Hi Pattie , welcome to a very supportive place , no story is too long , I'm sure there's plenty of us who'd read yours , Tiff

Pattie, Welcome to Cdh.  Here you can enjoy the company of many like yourself expressing their femininity for all to see. Meet with,  talk with and with some devolope wonderful friendships. A place of support and understanding for all that passes. We will enjoy reading your stories as we will enjoy sharing ours. Nice meeting you and looking forward to seeing you here soon..
Stephanie🌹

Welcome

My first post is intended to tell about how i came to be this way, what i do, and my thoughts on 4 decades of feeling compelled to do things that mystify me even now.

what would be the best place to post my story where it can be seen by not only CD/TG but also by genetic women?   i wish to gain some insight from them as well.

 

i have fell back into my old ways after more than ten years.   And I have again started trying to sort things out to discover WHY and maybe figure out what is next.

my story seems unique to me but i think i may not be so...alone?

Welcome, Pattie. This is a great place to get to know others, and share our own individual stories. You could post you story in sections, if you feel it is very long, here for everyone to read.

It somehow the love of dressing women's clothes that brings us here, though how we do that is often very different. Most of us, myself included don't understand the "Why" of this, but being here has helped me better accept my femme self, and to truly enjoy being Amy, without the guilt I sometimes used to feel.

Amy

Hi Pattie,

Welcome to CDH.

Alice

Call this my statement or manifesto, if you wish. my story? well here goes. I am not sure I even belong here on this forum. After reading my text maybe others can shed some light. I have spent decades trying to sort out my situation. Quite possibly I am a unlque case? not likely, but I don't seem to have much In common here except the
fact that I am a CD.

I don't dress up, I have absolutely no interest in clothes, fashion, makeup, or any of the other things so frequently discussed here and other places. I am not homosexual, I have no interest in transitioning, and I definitely like women. I only have one relevant interest, one item of women's clothing that I spend money on, and that is the bra. it is true that I was interested in the entire dressing up thing when I was a kid, but that faded away.

otherwise I am just like most guys. I like hunting, cars, women, guns, women, tools, women, and....women. BUT...I have persistently and consistently, always at the back of my mind the desire to wear a bra—-for nearly forty years.

I am able to forget this desire but never for more than a few hours, a day or two at most. I look at a woman and thru their clothing I can make out the outline of their bra. I can see how it cuts in and leaves an impresslon on their skin from the tightness, and I wonder how miserable and uncomfortable it must be, or whether they notice it at all. I see women who look like they are being cut in half because they are wearing one that is too tight, but they seem not to notice. Others don't look very tight, but if you watch you can tell she is not comfortable.

this is an integral part of my fondness for women. I definitely look at them and desire them, no question. A good looking lady does not go unappreciated near me! seeing that outline and wondering about what it is like is erotic to me. Intermingling not only the desire FOR her but at some level I want to BE her, or at least be like her.
Crazy as it sounds to some people, I want that experience. I want to experience that daily discomfort. I would prefer to
have it with real breasts, real ones larger than the manboobs that obesity has given me (better yet, lose the big
belly, but keep the boobs). I want to experience that bounce going down stairs. I want to experience the feeling
that comes from climbing into a hot car on a summer day when the sweat is about to start and the bra is about to become miserable. I want to experience it in every living condition—-at home, driving, on the job, socializing with
close friends, at family reunions, everything. hot sweaty miserable days at work doing physical work, air
conditioned shirtsleeve environments, hiking, or whatever. All in my underwire bra, or whatever one I choose. I want my bra and I want it to be NORMAL, not a social deviancy, not something to hide.

I want all this, but the experience is on the other side of a wall, forever out of reach.I can put one on for a little white but there always comes the time when the Realities of life require that I take it off until the next
brief time when I can do it again. For a woman, putting it on is the norm, but for me, taking it off is the norm.

she is expected to wear it, but society forbids me to wear it, or even to think about it. other parts of the feminine experience are completely untouchable. I wonder about them, too, but there is nothing in existence that will let me experience any of
that even for a moment.
At this point in life, just supporting the assets I have would be enough. I could be satisfied with that. I just wish I could do it openly without all the social baggage and consequences. I am not willing to pay that heavy a price for a mere sensual experience. Many CD's seem to have no idea why they do what they do, or where the urge comes from.I have a pretty good idea of where my
particular aberration comes from and why I desire it. There is a weird convoluted logic to it that nevertheless seems contradictory. I know these things, yet I still struggle with it, and the desire remains.

It all began (or perhaps earlier'?) when I was about 9. Mom and the lady next door decided it would be a good idea to
dress me up and send me to a halloween party as you guessed it! A girl. she found boy stuff for my brothers to dress
in, you know, cowboys, fireman, etc not me. not THIS son.

They put a bra on me, stuffed it, then a dress, shoes, and makeup. A wig too, now that I think of it. I wasn't yet old
enough to object to it. I didn't understand what was being done, or that it was an affront to my boyhood. It was simply
another thing that happened without any kind of analysis on my part, passive.

I was too young to get anything out of the experience except that I wasn't very comfortable and one particular boy asking
WHY would I want to dress like that?! I dunno..Mom made me? many times I have thought back to that evening and tried
to remember what it felt like but I hadn't yet come to a point where I could appreciate it I was just too young. But to revive it again...

I should probably mention that I strongly identified with my mother. I was the toddler that Dad couldn't take anywhere
because if mom wasn't coming i would cry the entire time. My older brothers were into sports and identified with Dad
strongly. they did all kind of things with him.

It is also about this time in my life that the kids at school started to tell me "you need a bra.” I had moved to a new school and I went from knowing everyone to knowing no one. I didn't make any friends for over TWO years. While I was hearing this from the other kids, at that point in life I didn't even know what a bra was, but I figured out that it had something to do with my fatboobs and that it was dirty and shameful. before long, other boys were sneaking up behind me to "cop a feel.” I was too scared and embarrassed to fight back. this stuff happened frequently. I spent YEARS, even
thru high school being agonizingly self-conscious about my chest. at that young age I spent my time sitting with my arms
tightiy across my chest trying to cover up my shame. that was my life for years later. (remember in PE where we played
basketball and it was shirts and skins? I as ways ended up skins. I hated it. I heard it then, too. and I heard the girls snickering. I actually had bigger breasts than some of them.). This,along with some other problems I was dealing with, nearly drove me to suicide. at one point I had a gun and the only thing that stopped me was the knowledge of how badly it would hurt Mom and Dad.

If all this wasn't enough, Dad rode me about my weight. He once threatened to make me wear a bra. He was embarrassed
because his son had tits. They were an embarrassment to ME, but I was an embarrassment to HIM. It hurt me deeply, but I was already growing accustomed to that kind of treatment. I got it for several hours at a time in school.

Little did he know, by this time of my life I had already experienced the CHANGE and a part of me wished that he would actually do it. but it was also an intensely humiliating experience, enough that I actually considered going and putting
one on just to spite him-My father was terrifying when he got angry, which he did a lot. Dad didn't like smartasses, so I didn't dare. (this makes my dad sound like a child abuser. he wasn't. he was authoritarian and ex military and for several years of my childhood he had some really difficult problems of his own to deal with that I wouldn't understand until much, much later.)

I hated my body and apparently, so did everyone else. there came a time when I got the bright idea of wrapping cloth
around my chest to squash them. then maybe I would look normal and everyone would leave me alone. I had no idea that I was considering making the very thing that everyone was mocking me about

A few days later, I asked my older brother what a bra was. “Girls wear it to hold up their tits," he said. And in that moment my life changed forever.

Somewhere in the midst of my story is a conflict between shamefully trying to hide my chest versus wearing a garment that
deliberately supports and accentuates it in full legitimacy and esteem and normalcy.

So you see, my particular deviation was born in pain, humiliation, shame,loneliness, and feelings of worthlessness. How
strange that even now I desperately long to have the one thing that would shame and degrade me the most. Why not the
other way around? How does this make ANY sense at all? Especially in light of the fact that all this stuff happened
almost forty years ago. Shouldn't I be over it aireadyl

These days. if I could have one wish it would be to be able to do this thing I want and NO ONE would ever notice or think
it unusual. Either that, or to be completely' rid of this obsession, never to return.

My thinking is that I could wear it long enough, the novelty would wear off, the mystery would become mundane, and I
would start to hate it and be glad to be rid of it. Not really possible when all I can get is a couple of hours here and there, often ending with masturbation. It still turns me on. Live it long enough and perhaps that would go away? maybe someone who has fully transitioned could shed some light?

I have no desire to transition and I am not gay. The idea of the gay experience does nothing for me. But I will admit to fantasies about the other side of the wall. If I could press a button and switch back and forth I would do it, probably for days at a time. Not permanently, though. there are times when I truly LOVE being a man. Nevertheless, I wish I could have some of those experiences that can only be understood from the INSIDE, not by someone outside looking in. I would like to know what lovemaking feels like for a woman. I would like to know what it is like to be desired by
the opposite sex (fat guys don't get much of that, at least I never did). I would like to know what it is like to be tied up etc. and pleasured by someone that I love and trust, to involuntarily be pleasured again and again until my insides knot up and I can't take another moment. Women can experience that. I can't.

I am on the outside looking in and always will be except for this one little thing that I CAN do, if only for a little while.

All this aside, I doubt that I would want to permanently switch. It is a fantasy and I think I would certainly encounter some unforeseen unpleasant realities there. The novelty would wear off and I would want my regular life back. Being stuck there permanently is NOT part of the fantasy.

Check the internet and you find that there are multitudes of guys (and women probably) who fantasize along these lines
and turn it into literature.

There was a time that I considered SRS. It was way beyond my means and I had a family to take care of. I also considered starting some herbal breast growth products but today I am glad that I didn't. SRS would legitimize wearing a bra, but that price was much too high, monetarily and otherwise. In the end I figured out that I didn't really want to be a woman, especially that way.

When my epiphany moment occurred, it was accompanied by other things as well, disturbing things. Again, I seem be the
only one mentioning anything like this. where before I was a naive 10 year old kid, suddenly I was obsessed with bondage, death, and fantasizing about all of it happening to me while dressed in a bra, a corset. stockings, wig, etc. For years I thought the most erotic way to die was by hanging. while dressed of course. The moment it all changed (and it literally happened in a moment)it was as if something had entered me physically. I FELT it change. Think what you
will, but I have very seriously wondered if it was demonic possession.

From that moment on I was obsessed. I would wear a bra (sometimes several at once) and masturbate with a rope around my neck tied to the bedframe while fantasizing about being hanged. Any form bondage or torture or lingering death
sexually aroused me, with the focus on me being the recipient of whatever it was, while dressed up. I thought about this
stuff nearly every waking moment for YEARS. During this time of my life I was a disturbed individual, no question of it
but no one knew. maybe I could have gotten some counseling (yeah, and a medical record as a sexual deviate thanks
but no thanks.

Bear in mind that ALL of this was stuff that I had never given a moment's thought to. It was beyond my experience. But suddenly, in a moment of time, it was all there. Maybe a psychologist could make some sense out if it; I can't. I stopped trying years ago. It simply IS.

would love to have that AHA! moment when I suddenly understand and this fetish would disappear like vapor on a hot day, and
I would be a normal man at last.

I am happy to say that all the creepy stuff is long gone. I still watch bondage porn sometimes and and fantasize that I
am the woman. If I could push that button and be a woman for a little while, I would almost certainly give it a try. But all I will ever be able to do is imagine.

All that is left of those days is the daily desire to openly wear a bra while I do my normal guy life. Not having to hide, not living in fear of discovery, taking it off when I WANT to instead of when I HAVE to. But again this is all fantasy. The ones who successfully do this either transition, hide it really well, or endure the social consequences. A lucky few are to live in circumstances where no one pays it any mind.

I did manage to put away my CD side for several years. I would fantasize at times, then deliberately shift my mind to other, more mundane things. It worked. Here lately I have had a number of things happen in my life (stressors?) that
brought it back full force wife had a hysterectomy (bye bye sex life). I lost a family member. I lost a best friend. Both of my kids starting making bad life choices. I am having to change jobs. a family member was hospitalized and had an amputation. I managed to make two different people I know hate me because of something i said. wouldn't be so bad, but there is facebook.

There are other things going on in my head and in my life which individually are no big deal. I"m not saying my life
has gone to crap. I am very happy with my life for the most part, but things happen, know what I mean? Little by little, the foundations of my life have been eroding away, things that I didn't know I depended on. The proper response would be to square my shoulders and stay the course. Instead, I bought a bra and it came flooding out.

It seems like my involuntary coping response is to start CDing again. But I don't ever recall using it as a stress relief
before...? I am in the typical age range for the mid life crisis. Most guys go out and buy a red sports car, not a red sports bra!
For whatever reason, here I am back again doing the same old stuff.

Only I am a little older and a little more daring than before (or less common sense and discretion). The desire is still there as it has been all along. Maybe going nuts with it because it has been suppressed so long.
Maybe for some other reason. who knows?

I recently wore my black underwire to work under my winter clothes for about four hours. (a baby step toward the
"dream.") I would have gone the full workday but I lost my nerve when I had to work in close proximity with some roughneck guys. and my coat wasn't THAT thlck....

That led to an experiment that I conducted over the course a week where I wore a bra from the time i got up until i went to bed, including ten and a half hours at work, and the rest of the time around my unsuspecting family. (The weather cooperated that week.) That story and why I did it will be another post. It is lengthy and I would appreciate a careful reading and thoughtful comments after.

thoughts?

Hi Pattie,

Welcome to CDH. You did say long posts.... you weren't kidding. I strongly believe you are in the right place. We have a forum entitled "Dear Genetic Girls" where you can ask the questions you would like to ask them. There were multiple parts of your post that I identified with. Certainly not all of it, as we all have our differences. I have been taught to identify rather than compare. The similarities tend to bind us and unite us. Which I suppose is ultimately why we are all here. You post got me to thinking of all kinds of things. Even some long forgotten things. It's all good. A little light on the dark spots is sometimes just what I need. You've got a lot to say and a lot to share. I hope you stick around and do that.
Hugs
Autumn

Autumn,

i am curious as to what my post reminded you of, and the forgotten things you mentioned.  If you would care to share that?   Perhaps in a private message.
My story might not actually be that unique; having others to compare and contrast would open things up a bit.

Thank you new kid.

We all havecto start somewhere and cdh is a amazing place

Samantha xx

Welcome Pattie!

Hi Pattie, Teralynn here. Welcome. When you said lengthy posts you weren’t kidding. And I thought my posts sometimes got a little long! Just because a person born a male who enjoys crossdressing and might feel a need to express a feminine part of themselves, doesn’t mean that they are not attracted to women. We have a lot of dressers on here who are married and want to remain in their relationship. Your focus on a particular article of feminine apparel is interesting, but as far as whether or not you should be a member of this site, only you can decide that. I will recommend that you stay a member, because through chatting with other members you can gain insight into a community that there is still a lot of misconceptions about in the general population. You will have a hard time finding a more welcoming and receptive bunch of people. If I can ever be of service please feel free to contact me through this site and let me know how I can help. - Blessings