Recently discovered husband is a cross dresser

A tough situation.  Honesty is always the best way in my humble opinion.  He probably felt like he couldn’t be honest with you and so he kept it a secret.  He wasn’t just lying to you, he was lying to everyone in his whole life… Can you be honest with him now and talk to him about it and how it makes you feel?  I think it would be fair for you to ask him to not see other people, male or female.  I told my wife about my cross dressing before I was married which has led to some beautiful things like our shared appreciation for handsome men.  Perhaps giving him a safe space where he can dress would help with his stress too.  But I do not cheat on my wife no matter how bad I might want to, and I think that kind of betrayal is hard to get past.  It’s very hard to forgive people sometimes but I think there’s real grace and powerful forces in the act of forgiveness.  Best of luck to you both

hello ruby , I am a x dresser and my wife found out one day with a picture of me all dressed up., I had my niece dress me up for Halloween one year.  I am 56 years old and I dress up every day in female cloths when I get out of bed, then I put on my male cloths so  our 22 year old son does not see me dressed up. wife lets me dress up when he is not home.  but times she does not like it either but tells me when I can dress up. I don't under stand that part she lets me dress up but then tells me she does not like it.  what gives with that?   but my wife lets me dress up and that;s  ok with her as long as she don't see me dressed up.  but she has seen me getting dresed up as she walks by my room, we sleep in separate rooms. she has sat next to me while dressed up just to tell me something about her truck. then get up and leave the room.  she knows I have my own collection of dresses, nylons, bra;s panties, and she even knows I bye my own pads. it will take time for her to be more supportive.   I don.t look for men for sex, I am just a closet cross dresser or should I say a bi gender person.   letting my feminine side out when I can. woman dress like men all the time so what is the big deal with men dressing in female cloths.   for hiding it he is afraid to tell you he is a x dresser for men its hard to come out to some one and say hay I am a x dresser.   for having different accounts or web sites I am speechless with that .   have a talk with him about his cross dressing and see if he opens up and tells you all of it.

Hi Ruby My wife found out the same way you did. You are not wrong about any feelings you have. Your feeling are your feelings. We were married for about 10 years when my wife found out about my life long secret. We just celebrated our 38th year of marriage we have no secrets now. I can only speak about me.. The best thing to do now is educate your self about men who enjoy crossdressing. There are so many reasons Why? Out there. He has to be honest with you. When my wife found my clothes I was so embarrassed and ashamed I felt so bad about not telling her about my secret before hand . It is just not something that is going away it is just a  part of me. I identify with the female gender more than the male gender .I belonged to a private club just for crossdressers and transgender people . I introduced my wife to the members and other wives who had husbands that crossdressed. At first She was nervous and apprehensive. She talked with other wives soon she found it was harm less and found it kinda of cute. She enjoyed talking with other crossdressers too much I think I was getting a little jealous haha. It was then she began to take control of the money that was spent on clothes etc etc. She learned that from other wives.  The part about the social media I can only give opinion. He has to talk to you about that.  Some crossdressers fantasize about being with men while fully dressed as a woman. They  take it to another level. They would mostly likely never do it while not being dressed. Talk to him and he has to talk back. Good Luck Ruby Stephanie

Ruby    Welcome . This  is certainly the place you’ll find many of the answers you are seeking. For you it would be extremely difficult. I saw the shock from my wife as for us we were married for many years and only a short while ago that I opened up to her. Not like you finding about all this yourself  for me I knew it was better to tell than her discovering my secret. Still it didn't start very well as she was hurt by keeping secrets as our relationship grew on honestly and trust  Seeing her and the pain that it caused was hard. We had many talks and through this agreements and guidelines were set and together were slowly working it out. But Cdh and it’s resources helped my wife and myself understand more about our individual troubles. I learned more about myself and she with help from a wonderful group as been mentioned from others  here just  exclusive for my wife and you dear where many GG gals could receive the help and support to get the answers your wanted to know. This group – private ( wives and significant others ) . For you special ladies where Cders are not allowed. Meet with them and get the support you need. Look into other forms written by others who talk about their experiences, their questions they may ask with many offering help and advice so everyone can understand better on so many confusing topic . There's a couple of wonderful gals who oversee this group  Kayla and or Eleanor  who I know will get in touch. Many face this troubling ordeal but be assured you have support and help from everyone here. As for his activities with his accounts and interests for exploring more I'm so sorry to hear and really can't offer any reasonable advice. I'm just happy for expressing my femininity in my dressing and not wanting anything more. But as best as you can relax, get comfortable and know your part of this wonderful community that really does care for all that passes through our doors. The best to you and hope you can work out these troublesome ordeals and I'm sure there's others here who could offer their help. He needs to open up to you and start communicating before more is lost and that needs to start now.  happy meeting you and welcome. If you need anything please be free to ask. Love to help if I can.
Stephanie 🌹

Hi Ruby,

I can understand your feelings sweety.

I have never kept my crossdressing a secret from my wife.

For many years I had a buried desire but never acted on it.

when I did my wife was involved and knew.

when she found out I had these desires it did and still bothered her.

Today she is just tolerant and doesn't want to be part of it and I understand as part of the reason she married me was my masculinity.

I understand that and try to keep things balanced (as best I can)

most of us men we are programmed by our parents and society in general from a young age to be ashamed of being anything close to feminine acting or looking.

So, we hide it and feel ashamed.

Thats what your husband is doing.

It makes him feel good and it doesn't hurt anyone.

Its just cloths ,makeup and shoes.

Deep down he is the same person you married.

However I personally do not consent to cheating on a marriage.

I take my vows pretty serious.

you definitely need to talk to him and find out his feelings and the whole truth on his activities.

hopefully it is just a fantasy and has  not  been acted upon

patty

I'm so sorry Ruby.

The crossdressing is something that perhaps could be worked between the two of you. The active searching for other partners is much more serious.

Rudy, I would strongly consider a separation until you can decide what is best for you.

Again, I'm very sorry to hear about your troubles.

Jessica

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I'd agree. You need marriage counselling. The crossdressing is something that can be worked out, but the seeking out sexual partners is a far bigger issue.

Thanks everyone, I tried talking to him again yesterday and he said he was ashamed of it  which I sort of get but I don't think that's true from some of the pictures and videos I've seen of him. He seems very proud of the fact , I also don't think the thing of him doing it because he is stressed stacks up either as he seems to be doing it all the time he is away. He just does not seem to understand why I'm so angry and keeps on insisting that he is the same man I married and he loves me, as I pointed out to him he can't love me or think that much about me if he is advertising looking for sex with other people.

It is hard for a partner to be on board with the dressing. He kept it a secret for years due to ridicule from others if they found out. How many dressers have purged and said never again but always return. I have spoken with crossdresser’s a good many and some tell me they get in the zone. That is take pictures have femme accounts on the web. They put that they would like to be a woman and have sex as a woman does with a man. It may be a false truth they may write it but would never follow through with it. It’s just being in the zone.

Hi Ruby My heart goes out to you.. I am sure most of us feel your pain.. This is not a crossdressing issue. We look for acceptance that we identify with the female gender and would only want to express it in most cases sometimes. This is not about sex.Some of us only want to be able to express it in private and alone in what we call the closet. Some want to express it out in public. This is who we are as a person.. We do not want to ever hurt anyone by expressing our selves. I know you know that feeling of just wanting to feel cute and pretty. We are not allowed to want that because we were born with a penis. Most of us feel some type of shame for even wanting that. This is a gender identity issue not sex . Two different things completely. Most crossdressers are very loyal and value our marriage vows. That is also very much apart of who we are as people. My heart go out to you. Huge hug .luv Stephanie

Hi Ruby Kudos on trying to talk to him again.

Will he not talk because you're angry?

If so try a calm conversation if you can.

I know thats probably hard.

If he won't talk maybe a therapist or counselor would be best, several on here have used these services.

He is going to have to talk to you about this though.

Communication is the key.

You definitely need to determine if he is having extramarital sex for your own protection.

I could not deal with that I'm afraid.

I don't know about you and your marriage some are different.

Patty

Hi Ruby,
I am glad you have found CDH, hopefully you will get some insight into this all to often secretive world.

We learn from an early age that it is wrong for little boys to dress as girls, but many male children have this inexplicable attraction to more feminine things. in my experience it made me very uncomfortable as a 5 year old boy to realize that I wanted to have my hair in ribbons like the girls. I know it was "wrong" and ever since I have been fighting this urge to express a feminine side. This fight and the secrecy and shame that goes along with it become deeply entrenched in the mind of crossdressers to a point where it is difficult to acknowledge this aspect of our selves. Keeping it hidden, even from those closest to us feels like the only way to live.

I can not speak for your husband, but try not to judge him for not coming out to you, try not to look at the past, look to the future and how you are going to deal with this previously unknown aspect of him. I understand it can be tough, but it can also be rewarding as you get to know this part of him.

As crossdressers living in secrecy many of us crave acceptance of our femme side. Humans are social animals and living in isolation is unnatural and harmful. This desire for acceptance can lead us down dark paths. Again I can't speak for your husband, but if he is looking for attention outside of your relationship this may be a contributing factor.

There is a book I often find myself recommending "living with crossdressing" it is intended for couples that are trying to figure this stuff out, its well worth a read.

I sincerely hope you are able to find some resolution and a new normal that works for both of you.

Good Luck,
D.

Hi Ruby, Teralynn here. My heart goes out to you! I am a crossdressing person who told my wife early on and we are still devoted to our marriage and to each other. Acceptance of crossdressing is one thing, but infidelity is quite another. The fact that you found out all this by accident and not because he talked to you about it also is disturbing to me. I try not to judge others for their actions, but for him to tell you it is no big deal is expecting an awful lot. I want to assure you of a few things about crossdressing people. Most of them that are in a married relationship love their partners and do not want their marriages to end. Also for a lot of them crossdressing is not a sexual thing. It is the feeling they get when they express their feminine self. I do understand that you feel betrayed and that he married you under false pretenses. So my dear you have some serious things to deal with. As for not having anyone to talk to, you have joined an on line community that understands crossdressing people and the difficulties their partners have to deal with. There is even a group on here specifically for significant others of Crossdressers. So you do have someone to talk to and there are plenty of us. If I can ever be of service please feel free to contact me through this site and let me know how I can help. A post on my home profile page wall will get the fastest response. - Blessings

Ruby;

I'm so sorry you've found out in this manner.    While some of the comments here have spoken to the difficulties of being a CD from a young age, please be assured that this does not represent a good reason for infidelity as far as I'm concerned.

Accepting and working though one issue should not come with the expectation that you are going to deal with a 'related' issue in the same manner.

I suspect anyone in your situation is well past the point of needing to be told these things, so this is offered in the spirit of providing a confirmation that not all CD's condone these behaviours.   I hope you and your partner manage to find a way through to a better relationship for both of you.

-Molly