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Good Morning,
I posted a few days ago I was searching online and found this site. My Husband of 20 years recently told me he is a cross dresser. Of course I am trying to be open minded but it is a bit of a shock to me. I started reading some books. My husband wants to talk about it a lot and he has also started reading. Last night he called me while I was driving, he had read some stories online where the couples ended up divorced. He was so upset, telling me he doesnt want a divorce.
I can't imagine how he feels? I know how I feel right now and its confused. I am trying but I scared as well. During our conversation I said I love you and I want you to be happy life is too short to not be happy. I do not know if I can be the women he needs. I am not ready to see him dressed up. He has asked me to help him and I am not ready yet for that either and have told him that.
I have never mentioned divorce to him, but during my conversation about wanting him yo be happy, I said you have secretly cross dressed for 20 years hiding it and trying to suppress your feelings. Now that you are going to dress more etc what if you find you like the feminine you more. What if I cant handle it or my feelings romantically change? I told him you deserve happiness as well as I. I have read where couples have divorced but remained friends.
This is so hard, we have a 11 year old and 7 year old and life is crazy busy with that and this is a secret between my husband and I right now so we have very limited time to talk.
Trying so hard.
I put my thru something very similar some years ago. We are still together but it's never been the same since. (We had no kids still at home) When I came out to her wanted to 1. Be honest, 2. Get female help with femming and 3. Add my "fetish" to our already adventurous sex life. She helped me a bit but her pain made me withdraw from dressing around her or discussing it. It hurt our sex life irrevocably. I cannot say why with certainty, but my longstanding bisexual desires grew much stronger following that debacle. I still wish she'd taken it more as I had hoped but everyone must be true to themselves.
Thank you for the reply. I had asked my husband if he was attracted to men and he is saying he is only attracted to women. I have found through research that that can be the case. I am unserstanding that this is not new to him but in a sense it is new to him. He has told me and I am the first person he has told in his 42 years of life. I am trying so hard not to get frustrated or angry. I am trying not to pull away from him but I can see it happening right now. Again so confused and just trying.
Welcome Tammy!
He is correct. The available data show that the great majority of cd's are hetero. I was bi before really did much with cd. Now how to describe my orientation. However, I am very clearly an exception.
Tammy;
My heart goes out to the two of you.. Things are moving fast, and that's making some things difficult for the both of you. I took a couple of years between talking about it and dressing in femme (completely) in front of my SO, and even then it's been a shock for her. I, too, have been very concerned about the divorce and have read the same stories and had the same freak out... Eventually she got to the point of: "Can we just have a conversation like we used to where we don't talk about CD or our relationship, I just need some time to process" It was an eye opener.
One of the things I see in your question, is that there seems to be a "I don't know if I can... ", and this feels like "I have to change to X to make this work" kind of statement... This is not true!, we start changing and the way we change causes a change in everyone in the relationship, so a move on your or his part will create a change in the other. Rarely do we end up where we expected to in the initial statement. I can guarantee you that a working relationship for the two of you will not have been something you've even thought about yet.
So, I'd suggest a way to handle it could be to:
1. Make a plan together for some time to go out and away from the kids to talk about this "CD thing",
2. Make a plan for a date day/night where you can have your man be your man. Subtle? ... Not really, but make the point you want a night with your husband as your husband, and make sure it isn't a movie/play/performance or similar unless that's something really special for the two of you.
If it's not clear, these should be 2 separate events, and I'd recommend that until that time for the talk about the CD, keep some notes on topics you want to discuss. If nothing else, this will slow the rush to sort this all out and allow the two of you to think on other things and get some of the good bits of your relationship back... I know how tough kids 7 and 11 can make this, but connecting NOW as a couple is just as important as talking about CD, and doing one without the other will just make it more difficult.
It can be done, and most CDs are both straight, and very loyal. (I suspect the divorce rate is actually lower than the general population, but I'd love to have some numbers to back it up), but he does have to learn, like all of us have had to, that CD can not be the everything about the relationship if it's to continue. To this end, one of the first topics on the CD conversation should be limits.... Start with "No CD in the context of Intimate relations", as surprisingly this is one of the obvious things that we seem to miss as a group at our peril, and seems to be one of the best ways to have your SO view you as an already transitioned woman rather than a husband. (Talk about making a self fulfilling prophesy!)
I don't talk a lot about the details of my relationship with my SO, and part of that is because I realise that I've been lucky, but it's good. We've got past the stage you're at, partly because we did do what I've suggested. My SO is not a member of this site, and I don't know what she's read, but I do know she has as I've seen some interesting questions from her. When we date, we date as a couple, and I know she doesn't want to help me with dressing or makeup, so I don't ask. BUT we have grown closer, probably because I don't have a huge weight on my shoulders and I'm not trying to hide/suppress anything anymore; and I've been forced to think of what both of us actually need and want.
Take the time, trying to sort it all out as once in a hurry really seems to be a problematic approach, and you do need to help your relationship where you can;
Hugs and best wishes.
-Molly.
I am a married and hetro, and have dressed for years, but last year it really got into me in a way I cannot explain. Though my very occasional dressing was no secret between me and my wife, she was very disconcerted when I said that I wasnt to this more, and dress more completely femme, including make up. She has come to understand, and have fun with my femme side, and enjoys dress shopping with me, though when we shop I'm in male mode.
She was also concerned that I was becoming bi, or something like that, but if anything, I'm more attracted to women than before. I'll try to explain that. I find women attractive, in a regular guy, sexual sense, but I'm also finding that I look at women differently, how they dress, what kind of makeup there are doing, etc. But also, as well as sexual attraction, I have more than a bit of envy, for their lovely shape!
Hope that makes some sense to you.
There is so much shame concerning this activity, and depending on one's upbringing, it could be a lot, but we are drawn to this through forces inside of us that we don't understand very well. I have gone through the same feelings, and am now able to enjoy being Amy, without the guilt, most of the time, anyway.
The "coming out" to someone is such a difficult step when one has kept it bottled up inside for so long, so try to give yourself and him time to work things out together. When you do this, hopefully you will have an even stronger relationship.
There is a section here spouses as well, if you haven't found it already.
Amy
Tammy,
Everyone here will have a different story and a different conclusion. I’ll share some of my story in hopes that it will help you and your husband.
My wife found out about my crossdressing by finding my clothes, not by my telling her. I kept it secret from her or so I thought. She said she had suspicions with some comments I would make in conversation or about clothes. Much like you she went on a roller coaster of emotions and didn’t know which way to turn. Fortunately for you this site exists. My wife discussed a little about my dressing and she felt I had betrayed her trust by not telling her but the reason for me hiding it was because I didn’t want to hurt her. I love her deeply and I know she wants the man she married not the feminine person inside. To this day it is still the white elephant in the room but we touch on the subject from time to time. As I get older I slowly open up about it more but I know it pains her. She feels threatened by my femininity and that she isn’t woman enough for me. Truly this isn’t the case because if anything I would love to have her help me explore mine. She has no desire to see or participate in my crossdressing and I respect that decision. So for me I don’t get to dress and express myself as often as I would like to but I do it out of respect for her feelings and because of my love for her. I know there isn’t much advice here for the both of you but you both need time to sort your feelings. Please have an open discussion and if needed use a therapist as a third party mediator in a neutral setting. Your feelings and his need to be openly discussed and boundaries set. If you don’t it will cause trust and resentment. I believe it is also more important because you have children too which brings in a whole additional level to this. Just my two cents. I wish you and your husband the best and hope it all works out for the better.
Vicki
I understand how you feel, my wife feels the same way. She knows about my crossdressing but ignores it. I do not dress around her out of consideration for her and our marriage (43 years).I do however go shopping while dressed. Often times I take my girl clothes with me and change into them somewhere along the way or even at the store itself. . I call it my 'girl bag'. Women in several department stores nearby know me only as Michelle. I plan these 'Michelle' outings a day or 2 before. I am in control of how often I dress and really only do it when I am in the mood (which seems to be more often now than ever.) I know the saleswomen in the stores see me as a customer but some see me as more than that, a friend even. I recently went shopping with one of them in another store and we both liked the same things. She even bought me a babydoll nightie with matching panties. My 'girl' time is wonderful but I do still enjoy golfing, backpacking and hanging out with the guys. I wish my wife could accept Michelle but she can't. C'est la vie.
Give it time. Both of you need time. KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN. He's still the wonderful man you married. Time and communication can do wonders. He'll have wants/needs, you'll have limitations and boundries. Both are OK. BOTH of you must be willing to compromise here and there and things will work out. No reason why it can't. Don't panic. It sounds like you both love each other and that's the glue that will keep you together. His biggest fear has probably already been passed-you haven't immediately rejected him and run out. Build on that. You'll be OK. Please stay in touch here. I think you may find there is less to fear than you think. God bless!
Tammy,
True, it is rather common for marriages to end because of how the husband finally revealed (or was unintentionally discovered) his being a crossdresser. But there are also so many "happy ending" stories!
Let's try a few scenarios... you go into a "DADT" (Don't ask, don't tell) where as long as you don't see or learn anything about his dressing, it will be tolerable to you. Has many positives for both, but also some negatives...
- He gets to do "his thing".
- Part of the agreement is that nobody in his every day life will know, as well as having limits to what he can do.
- Your life pretty much stays the same. You know, but you "close one eye" to it.
- While now there is no real secrecy per-se, you may start getting more distant from each other.
- You will resent whatever time he spends away from you and the kids doing his thing.
- Etc.
You tolerate him, and don't really participate.
- He gets to dress at home (not around the kids). You may see him, and who knows, maybe will eventually will be able to just start communicating regardless of what he may be wearing.
- You will have more knowledge of what may be going on.
Or you may get to support him, with limited participation.
Or you may actually get to accept this not because you have to, but because you want to find happiness together.
Anyway, I'll send this now... wishing you both the best.
Gaby ♥
Tammy, six weeks ago my wife found out about my underdressing (panties and bras) and confronted me. She is not into my femme side at all and we are members of a church that is not exactly welcoming to those with gender issues. Still as we talked and she learned i feel neither gay nor bi, things have improved. i sleep in a chemise and Walk around in it in the morning ( our kids are in their thirties and don’t live with us) i got y first skirt last week and today i got her advice on a top.
Baby steps and see how it goes. You sound open and loving but whether you end up going out with him en femme and helping him pick out clothes or he stays out of sight and mind you can make it work as long as there is respect and love. Unfortunately you still have to deal with the years of secrecy and essentially lying to you. I hope you can understand his fear that caused him to hide this. With children involved i will pray you can make it work but you must do what you must do
Hi Tammy,
My wife and I talked about my crossdressing just last night. She has always known about this part of me but thought I had given it up. Last night, after weeks of desperately wanting to, I let her know that I had started crossdressing again. She already suspected as much. She told me she knows it's part of me but it's a part she doesn't want to see. She says I'm a different person when I'm dressed and that's not who she married. I can understand that. I know my personality changes when I'm dressed so, effectively, at that point, I am not the guy she married.
I've very rarely dressed in front of her during our years together as I know it makes her uncomfortable. I do wish that she could separate the two and have the male me as a husband and Stacey as a girlfriend to talk girls stuff with...but that may/probably never happen. The fact is, whilst it upsets me, I have to respect her wishes on this matter.
Ultimately, it's up to you how far you allow the crossdressing in to your relationship. If you're not ready to see your husband dressed up then don't. If you're willing to see him dressed then do so (but with the understanding that it may be a one off depending on how you feel).
I sincerely wish you both the best and hope it works out for you.
Hugs
Stacey xxx
I think my wife and I were married for a 4-5yrs before I "came out" to her. Probably the scariest thing I've ever done, and I'm sure your husband felt the same. We're at 13yrs now, and still going on happily. Three kids now, though it was only one at the time. For us, communicating, ensuring each of our feelings on the subject was known, and expressing when something made us unhappy, that was all very important.
As to you having trouble communicating with the kids around, that's certainly understandable. We found it easiest to email back and forth. Of course some conversations just have to be had face to face, but there are obvious topics you just don't want to discuss with the kids around. For me personally, it's often easier to express my thoughts more accurately in text, rather than the spoken word. Perhaps that will help you two hash some things out? I'd still discuss things face to face if possible, especially if they aren't coming through accurately in text.
I like Jennifer's earlier reply. Solid advice in my opinion. I'd add that both of you are figuring this out, so try to avoid absolutes. Communicate, and prioritize.
Hi Tammy,
I am glad you are taking the time to learn about and ask questions. Many good things have been brought up by others and I'm not going to add to this.
While it's out there a ways you might want to look into an event called Esprit, held in Port Angeles Washington each May. They have a special session for spouses and from all I have heard it's wonderful. I could go on about what couples have said but it's best if you take a look. I was at lunch on Saturday with 2 couples who have gone but know many more. The wife of one couple in particular told me they were planning a divorce prior but are now happy and attend events together.
I don't have a link but if you google Esprit Port Angeles it will show up.
Best to you and your husband,
Sandy