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Hi. Please call me Gillian - a name I've had in my mind for many years, but have never used until recently. I am in my late 40s, and have gone through multiple cycles of purchasing and purging. I have also had repeated cycles of depression, and while these don't seem to always correspond with the purchasing or purging, but I'd be surprised if they weren't at least partially related.
I think I am what is described as 'gender nonconforming' - I thoroughly enjoy many traditionally feminine things (besides the obvious - clothing), and if I'm not paying attention, I exhibit very feminine mannerisms. Over the years I have developed a sort of 'neutrality', if you will; I don't make many expressive movements or gestures, I typically don't visually express any emotions, all due to a long-term effort to not be outed as 'girly' - which I know is just plain sad and depressing. On the outside, I look and seem like a typical guy, but inside, is a whole different matter. I have taken every 'test' that you can find online to determine 'Your Brain's Gender' or your 'Emotional Gender', and every one has shown me to be highly feminine in my thinking and behavior - but you'd never know by observing me.
I'm married - very happily so! - but my spouse is not, nor will she ever be, on board with my dressing, which has led to a few near collapses of our relationship. I do not blame her for her feelings, nor do I hold them against her. I love my wife more than anything in the world, and for many years (since the last near collapse) I have virtually suppressed my needs into nonexistence. But Gillian still always there - that little voice in the back of my mind.
Lately I find I'm feeling the need to purchase grow - stronger every day. This usually corresponds to my stress levels, and lately I've been under a remarkable amount of stress, and this growing need is only adding to it (its a viscous cycle, isn't it?)
I wish I had an avenue for letting Gillian out more - I have only one friend (besides my wife) who knows of my alternate self, but she isn't exactly comfortable with the idea of 'meeting' her.
I am hoping to find a place where I am able to at least virtually let Gillian out, and maybe find some comfort, and friendship. I have tried other platforms (MeWe, various other Femme sites) but I've found they are more geared towards fetishism, or hooking up, or extreme behaviors, and I've come to realize lately that isn't what I need. Don't get me wrong - I'm no prude! I have a staggering appetite for kink and fetishes of all kinds - but I also find myself wanting to be in a community where that isn't the focus.
I apologize if you find this intro to be on the long side, but I am a writer at heart! (I've never managed to get the hang of Twitter...)
Hi Gillian and welcome to CDH! No worries about being wordy here. I appreciate your intro very much. I believe you have found the right place. We are about being supportive here. There a wise words throughout in our articles and posts. There is an wide gamut of experience here as well. So please feel free to share your story as we share ours with you. If you have any questions or just wanna say "hi" please reach out.
hugs,
Michelle
Hi Gillian, I feel very much for you, girl!
In my 40s, I was in a very similar position. My wife told me that cross-dressing was a deal-breaker - and no way was I going to allow that to happen.
Thanks to the lovely ladies on this site, I have been able to turn a lot of that around, and I've had some amazingly successful Laura time, not only unexpectedly with my SO, but alone in fully public situations.
These have proved to be a magintude less scary than I thought posssible, largely to reading some of the incredible articles here, and chatting to the girls - all of whom are amazing!
So take your time, relax, and enjoy your journey as far as it is possible - sometimes the ride can be a bit bumpy, but that's what we're here for.
Love
Laura
I can totally relate to everything you said. Plus you're one heck of a writer. I'm on day 2ttwo here and I'm finding reading others stories and interacting as much as possible has given me a tremendous peace of mind. One common thing I've found is we've all faced that pivotal moment at least once. I can't thank all the wonderful ladies here for welcoming me and showing the warmth of finally knowing we're actually pretty normal. Lol
<p style="text-align: left;">Welcome Gillian💋</p>
Hello Gillian. Welcome and let me actually thank you for your intro. It makes it easier to have a conversation when you know something about that person. I appreciate this site and hope you do too, its a calming place in an otherwise ratrace life where i can be myself with people and friends who have some true understanding. I look forward to having you share more with us.
hi gillian, first of all I wish you a very warm welcome to CDH. many thanks for your introduction! it seems to mimick me in many ways too. you are in great hands here, to share stories and experiences. have fun, enjoy yourself and make lots of new friends!
fiona xxx
Hi, I'm also new and can relate to your situation.
Also very happily married, recently started to wear women's underwear and lingerie and also suffer with depression.
My wife knows I like to wear panties and initially was ok with it as she thought it was just in the bedroom, but it's more than that, I've tried to approach the subject of wearing underwear more often but get negative vibes from her. This in turn gets me down as I feel so comfortable in women's underwear.
Welcome Gillian!
Gillian welcome, I enjoy reading your intro and not too worry we really do enjoy reading stories from others . Yes it wonderful when you can enjoy this with someone . Having support at home is so nice but when it's not having another soul to talk to, to lean on is so important. Here find just that ,many here like yourself experiencing their journeys and always willing to help each one of us as best as can be. Through our beautifully written articles to forums about lives and stories of girls learning more of who they are. Help is everywhere, we're a true help and support site with no issues on well we know. ... Happy to have you with us and open up and see what where all about . Very nice meeting you.
Stephanie 🌹
Welcome Gillian,
You are going to find - I believe- that you have found the best place on the web.
- Terri Anne
