Wife of CD man trying to find my role

You are in the right place, Taylor.
There is an awful lot packed into your message.
It's difficult to answer all of the questions as there is a cascading effect - at least there is in my experience.
He needs to truly understand himself first, and fully - as you suggest.
It's probably best done with a counselor.
Any conjecture here on the 'why' any of us do what we do could bring unnecessary false imaginings so I won't.
Based on what you wrote, I'd think your mind is in a bit of a swirl so all I will suggest is the simple 'one day at a time' mantra. Breathe.
There are a lot of articles for the SOs on this site. I would encourage you to check them out.

I will say we are all a bit different as to how we acquired our imprint to be feminine. How far any of us goes on our journey depends on a great many things. It's not as simple as slipping on a pair of shoes.

Please read and keep asking questions. It's how we all learn.

Dani

Taylor, I think your best course of action is to continue to probe and ask questions about the extent of his crossdressing desires and sexuality, and also ask him to see a therapist that has some experience with LGBTQ to help. Otherwise it will continue to be an elusive unspoken mystery for longer that you both want it to be. Communication and talking it out will flush it out.

Hi Taylor, welcome to the safest site for discussing crossdressing and transgender issues that there is online. I have been a life-long crossdresser but just came out to my wife this summer after being married for nearly 40 years! My wife has gone from empathetic, to scared, to angry, and now gradually to being somewhat supportive.

You are a strong and uncommon woman to have been okay with your husband's "other half". My wife has had to deal with similar issues. I haven't been seeking as much sexual gratification or using sex toys outside our bedroom. But we crossdressers have been experts at hiding our feminine sides and it's difficult to really open up. Partly out of habit, but also b/c we don't want to lose self-esteem. That's why crossdressing is so insidious and so damaging when it is being hidden away.

In your case, there could be more that your husband wants to explore (or has already), but as long as you can both talk openly in respect and seeking to understand and be understood, you may find new opportunities for emotional intimacy. Perhaps he wants to try different things with you but is afraid to ask.

Just like you feel scared and insecure, I'm sure (from my own experience) that he is feeling those things too. For me personally, when my wife asks about it with the tone and attitude of trying to learn more, I'm very open. When she has the tone or stance of accusing me or suspicious of me, then I clam up or make excuses. I'm terrified that she'll leave and I'll have messed up everything good, in trying to be a whole person and be vulnerable.

Please lean in to other SOs here and get their take. Many wives and GFs are negative or neutral while others are positive and even embracing. Every viewpoint is valuable since we don't know what may be a positive or negative trigger in our own relationship. I hope you can find the support you need here and that your husband can learn to rely on you for his emotional and physical support, instead of resorting to toys. I know you must feel even more betrayed by those actions and I personally think you have a legitimate reason to be upset about that. But until he opens up about what he's thinking, it will be hard to resolve it. Feel free to PM me or if he is willing, your husband can also. I'm not hiding anymore!

Hugs,

Brielle

Hello, Taylor.  Welcome to CDH.  I hope and pray that you and your husband will be able to work thing out and come to an understanding regarding his crossdressing with which you can both live.

Regarding your concern about your husband being uncomfortable with his crossdressing, opening up to you and answering your questions, that may be due to the fact that he has questions too, and he can't answer them yet.

I hesitate to offer advice since I know nothing more about you and your husband than what you shared here.  I'll just say this:  If I was in a situation like your husband is in, I would appreciate the support of my wife and her being interested in my crossdressing.  However, I would ask her to patient with me and allow me to sort out my thoughts and feelings before sharing them with her.

Hi Taylor,

First let me say that it is amazing that you are reaching out. I have been in the closet in my previous marriage for 35 years, so I understand how your husband might react. A lot of inspiring answers have been given here already, and  I cannot but agree with all the things that have been written.

I would like to add one more thing: please be aware that it is not only about your SO, but your feelings are just as valid as his. In other words: stay close to yourself as well.

I wish both of you all the best and I am always happy to chat with you if you want.

Best, Katie

Taylor a very good article which generally raises the concerns you have. I’d be the last person to offer expert advice, and that’s not me fobbing you of. Just like to say hope everything works out for you both.

Liz

Wow!  Taylor, I am in awe of the attitude you expressed in your post.  It sounds like you are trying.  I hope your CD husband can open up to you.

Crossdressing and some of the other things you mentioned that he/she might be into, can be extremely difficult topics to openly discuss, even if one side seems to be accepting.  Personally speaking, it was hard to admit some things, even to myself.  And I don’t know how much my wife knows.  It seems that any sign of feminization on my part, draws negativity, leaving me having to hide it all.  So we have never talked much on the topic.

Might I suggest, that you show him your post and use CDH as a way to start a conversation?

I hope you two are able to bridge the divide and have soulful talks about your and his needs.

Much love,

Raquel

hello Taylor.  yes you have to come the right place   and this is a great site for x dressers and wifes to join and see how many men x dress and why.   let him dress up, let him know he does and its Ok.   he is showing his feminine side out.  it is hard for us to tell our wifes we love to wear what they call female cloths.   the clothing feels great better fit and looks sexy on us it brings out who we really should of been.    i am a closet cross dresser and wif knows of it. she lets me dress up when our last adult child is at work for 4 to 8 hours.   i have more female cloths then she does and even dress like a female.   real females now days wear men cloths , pants , shirt, no make up, no perfume or ear rings, not even paint their nails.. hope you will find a lot of info here and will see your man a different person when dressed up.   have a great day and have your husband let you know he dresses up and let him dress up for you and see him a a female , try to give him so tips when you can.

Hi Taylor,

let me first say thank you for being understanding of him and LISTENING to "her" not just hear her. She is a little uncomfy and so are you because neither of you has totally expressed their feelings in a convo. Have him dress as "her" then sit together on the couch and hold hands. Look at each other and talk. You start. Tell her that you have questions and that your accepting and supportive. If YOU can have fun with it then it will be very fun for both. Get ur questions answered and ask her to ask you questions also. Agree to times and or boundries. Dont you set them but both have to agree to them. If it all goes good say bey lets go shopping and buy you an outfit. From bra n panties down to the last detail of jewelry. Schedule a "girls nite" as my wife and I call it. The first date nite you suggest it. Make her a  cocktail to for her to sip and relax as shes getting ready offer help but dont push. Ask if shed like you to do her make up etc.  have a nice dinner and just talk.  Maybe talk about a name for her.

ask yourself these questions.
"Am I turned on at all about it"

"Am I turned on about her using toys on herself and would I want to be involved"?

"Can this happen and will our relationship be ok"?

reassure her you love her very much and its ok. Just ask her to be honest and dont let it rule your lives.  Say hi anytime and Ill try and help

big hugs!!

Riley 💋

Taylor welcome... you are certainly not alone in how this is bothering you.. my wife felt very much like yourself and is still dealing with this situation between us. It's been 5 years  since I opened up to her and even now she's cautiously working out her fears.. Your a very special partner and very understanding for joining our site I must say. Your partner is so fortunate. There are certainly many happy stories about couples discovering this unique relationship but  unfortunately many don’t.
This is certainly the place you’ll find many of the answers you are seeking. As I said only a short while ago that I opened up to my wife after 40 years of marriage. It was a huge surprise for her and certainly very emotional. The biggest concern was the mistrust I caused. Seeing her and the hurt that it caused was hard. We had many talks and through this agreements and guidelines were set and together were slowly working it out. She also worried about what changes I was looking at and if I was totally upfront about my dressing and intentions towards it. A open conversation  between you two is most important and he must be honest with you.

But Cdh and it’s resources helped my wife and myself understand more about our individual troubles. I learned more about myself and girl we do have a wonderful group here exclusive for significant others where many GG gals like yourself could receive the help and support to get the answers your wanted to know. There you can really enjoy chatting with others like you and truly enjoy conversations in your circle.
This group – private ( wives and significant others ) . For you special ladies where Cders are not allowed. Meet with them and get the support you need. Look into other forms written by others who talk about their experiences, their questions they may ask with many offering help and advice so everyone can understand better on so many confusing topic.
Links can be found on the Meet the Ambassadors page.  I have provided the link to this group.

https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/groups/wives-and-significant-others/

Now you need to get him/her to join too. She will definitely enjoy this amazing place.
Relax, get comfortable and enjoy being part of this wonderful community that really does care for all that passes through our doors. The best to you both as you venture through these new paths together . Very happy meeting you and welcome.
Stephanie 🌹

Welcome Taylor.  You should check out the forum exclusively for wifes and significant others. Though there are a few that pop in to these other forums from time to time.

Alana

Hi Taylor Just read your post I understand your concern and confused you must feel. I believe you have come to the right place to better understand what cross dressing is and what it is not. I can only speak for me no one else. I have been cross dressing back before puberty. Then when puberty began sex hormones came into the picture and then it got even  more confusing. Let begin by saying we all have a self image that is in our head. When we look in the mirror we are not always happy with every thing we see. So we begin to think about what action we are going to take how best to improve what we see. When I looked in a mirror I wanted to see a image of a girl and so I just put on the appropriate clothes that would best satisfy the image I wanted to see. You soon learn that something is not right. Your parents mother or father let you know what is appropriate for girls and boys to wear. You begin your young life learning to hide what you wanted to see. You begin to borrow feminine clothes from sister, mother, aunt whom ever some you keep others you return until you have a collection you begin to hide. Then on day you feel guilty and ashamed about how you feel. You then get rid of all those pretty clothes and all signs of what you enjoy. That activity goes on for most of our life. We call it purging of all feminine clothing and go into denial about how we feel. We always think these feelings will just go away. We date and get married because most cross dressers find the female form very attractive of course there are those that see things different. Some here find the male form very attractive and look for a mate that best fits their needs. Our sexuality and gender identity are separate and definite different things. There comes a time when we just get tired of hiding our feelings. We begin to explore more and more and begin to see that image we all want to see. You now find your self married and some with children a home and financial commitments. We  realize we have not been honest with those we love and begin again to feel shame about not being honest not to mention our guilt of having feminine feelings. We become experts at hiding and denying.  It just becomes a messy situation. We here have have come to many conclusions. I will revue  a few if I may. These feelings never go away. We can deny and hide as long as you want they always come back no matter how you try. The ideal situation is for us to come clean. To be totally honest with our SO in hopes that everything goes well and we will be able to finally express how we feel and still be accepted by the one's we love. That can be too risky for so many. They begin to think about all they would lose. Your wife, children and all that you worked so hard for your entire life. I believe you have taken the right steps by buying a dress showing him you can be trusted with his secret he has been keeping his whole life. You have taken the steps to try and understand how he feels by being here asking questions. He has to take the steps to make this all work for the both of you. That begins by opening up to you and if needed a therapist that can help him understand that only way things can work out for the both of you to continue to be couple he has to be honest with you and himself. Reality is you are in charge what you will accept and what you will not. He can decide if he can live with what you will accept what you will not. That will change as you both get along. COMMUNICATION, EMPATHY for each others needs and then COMPROMISE. There is no other way. I have been married for just about forty years, cross dressing has been a part of most of my life. Most days I love it others not so much. I have come accept this is just apart of me that will not go away. I enjoy my femininity and the clothes but I am also there for my wife when it comes to being the man she has married. It takes balance some thing that takes learning and time for the both of you  Take the time to visit the SO section of this site. I am sure they will help you to better understand you are not alone and  offer advice to help you better understand. Luv Stephanie

Hi Taylor, and it's great that you're reaching out for information, and being so lovely and supportive.

If your husband is struggling to understand it himself, that's normal, but a few weeks here should cure that!!!

I think that one of the defining aspects of the 21st Century is that people are encouraged to find and build their own roles.

Make choices - your needs are important too - and don't be scared to mix and match, try new ideas and just play by ear rather than following any kind of prescribed path.

Mixing and matching includes traditional values too - the old ways aren't all bad.

Find/create your own new role as a modern, empowered woman - be who you truly want to be, step by step, as there's no rush - and I wish you both the best of luck.

You deserve it!

Love Laura

Beautifully written Stephanie,  I see my journey through much of what you have  said and have had many problematic moments throughout our marriage.  A long marriage and the fact I've hidden my passions for dressing since meeting her then springing this to her certainly wasn't fair to her and our relationship. And your absolutely right she's in charge to what will be accepted or not.  Her decisions on progressing forward with all in agreement making everyone happy especially your partner. And Importantly talking is key.  It's a must keep the conversations opened and honest.

Stephanie 🌷