Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven, a safe and welcoming place for everyone in the crossdresser community.
Join Crossdresser Heaven today to participate in the forums.
My husband was talking to me this morning and I am trying to understand and be there for him. Again my mind is all over the place.
This morning he was talking to me and said that his feminine side/person talks to him and tells him to do things. I had asked him when he told me do you want to make a complete change and he said no.
He said he thinks that is why he gets angry. His example was he was working on a car for a friend and he said Amy that is who he calls his feminine side kept telling him he shouldnt be doing the car work he needed to be at home doing a salon day with out daughter. He lets her paint his toe nails.
Sorry juat looking to see if this is something others have happen.
Thank you
I first think it is really nice that you are trying to understand. I am not sure if I can help but I think the woman in me does a few things for me. First it is important to remember that everyone is an individual and just because someone or even a few people have similarities does not mean we are all similar in all ways. I sometimes wish I could escape to doing something I would prefer to be doing but need to work to pay the bills. My job is not very accepting of gender dysphoria. If you asked me if I wanted to transition I would say no to this day. If you asked me if I wanted to present myself as more feminine I would say yes more and more. There are times I like to feel feminine and there are times I like to blend in and be a guy. At times I escape through femininity, there are times it makes me feel more confident and strong. People try so hard to categorize things and each other we make it hard to try things outside of the norm. Things are either this or that. there is so much more. I am learning to just be me. try to just keep talking with each other.
Tammy, congratulations on looking for constructive input on such a complex issue. Your curiosity is the key to making it work.
Some CD people can feel overwhelmed at times with their feminine side and become almost obsessed with finding expression when it hits. That can mean dressing or girl time, or getting nails done, etc. It can feel like everything else is excluded until that desire is fed.
This happened to me recently when I went on vacation for a week with a friend who is a ciswoman. I didn't dress as Lorie so much, but in the evenings I would wear a skirt so I could feel a modicum of my feminine self. By the end of the week, though, I was so ready to get home and put on my girl in every way.
Some people feel there is a divide or separation of the feminine from the masculine, and will eschew the opposite when in a particular mode.
Some people don't separate, and participate in masculine activities while feeling feminine. Think of cis women who do masculine things, like watching football, or female race car drivers, or "mudder" athletes. For them, and CD or transgender, the activity might not feel like something that identifies them one way or the other.
For many of us CDs, we feel the "pink fog" come over us at times and it seems to obscure everything and exclude our masculine. For many, this fog calms down to a manageable roar over time, and the swings become less drastic. Well, for the most part, lol.
I can't speak for everyone, because everyone of us is different. I don't know if your husband is hearing voices, but perhaps his/her feelings are the voice that he hears. I'm glad he/she trusts you enough to tell you about that, even though it sounds "crazy." For many of us, the experience can be overwhelming until we can accept, manage, and tame the pink fog through compassionate baby steps.
Patience is key. For both of you. One thing I told a client who has two adult trans children: we don't expect you to understand, because we don't "understand."
Peace, Lorie
Hi Tammy!
My partner cross dresses too. I think what he describes to you is pretty common. FWIW my partner has similar feelings esp at the beginning when he was just starting (and I imagine before he felt comfortable enough to tell me about it). He does say he feels more comfortable (or that both sides feel more comfortable) now that he has the opportunity to listen to himself about what he wants to do and be.
Welcome!
I guess it depends how he presented it.
I have often felt angry about doing what I see (admittedly misogynistically, but I'm being totally open) as women's work, when I can't wear appropriate clothing!
This feeling has been with me every since I can remember, back in the early 1970s, when my father went to work and fixed the car, did the DIY and stuff, and my mother cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, etc.
I saw a clear division by gender, and not just in my own household, yet felt thus duality, thus fluidity even then.
Put me in the right outfit, and I'll do the task.
On the rare occasions I get to dress these days, that's exactly what I do - I clean, cook do the laundry as vigorously as I can.
I don't feel any resentment of doing man tasks in man clothes, but there is a real anger that I can't dress as often as I would like, so I do understand where this is coming from.
He needs an outlet.
As I suggested before, maybe book him a night in a hotel in a town with a thriving gay community, and encourage him to spend an entire day dressing up.
Get him to sign up here too, for a chat with the girls!
Love Laura
Tammy,
I don’t know if it is common or not. Or real-real. Maybe more like a figure of speech, I’d think.
For way too many, accepting that it is them who really want to do something “feminine” goes against what they were told a guy can do and still be a “normal” guy. With this can come a coping mechanism of separating all that into a separated “feminine side”. Now that feminine side is free to talk about makeup and clothes and cry and like perfume and say “cute” and whatever else he thinks his “guy side” can’t like and want.
Problem is that the guy side keeps all the responsibilities and none of the fun... making him crave for more and more time for the feminine side, which ends up many times in a total loss of balance in their lives.
The fact is that he is one person, and escaping into “her” has effects in his real life.
I’m certainly not a therapist, and not even played one on tv. But I was there... but somehow I realized that instead of separating who I am into two very incomplete sides, being able to accept that it is only me, one person, who can express both “masculine” and “feminine” attributes, has made me a better human being. Or at least I hope so.
Gaby 💜
Welcome Tammy!
I doubt your husband is hallucinating but using a metaphor. The Amy side wants to be free to do feminine things and doing more masculine things makes the gap further. If Amy could fix the car in heels and short shorts and crop top, then that might work but unrealistic. What I hear is your partner wants to have some quality time expressing femininity without guilt, such as letting daughter do nails. Is there ways you can compromise to do such things? Buy him panties to wear under male clothes. Shave his legs during winter. Have him model some outfits in private, or go thru a clothes catalog together and ask opinions and suggest what might look good for your partner. Even if you did not buy anything, it brings joy to share this.
Hugs, Ellen