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This is likely a question without a concrete answer, but I'm hoping that some of you might have some insight or similar experience. Here's the situation:
So far, I have shared Kendra with my ex, kids, BIL, and a few friends. All of them have been accepting and supportive, as I figured they would be. As Kendra becomes more a part of my life, I am considering telling some other family members. Enter the complication: many of them (my mom in particular) are conservatively religious, and I'm not sure how it would go over. My oldest kiddo is nonbinary and that has been difficult for my mom. I’ve been very honest about things surrounding my divorce and growth in the midst of it. I don't want to injure our relationship, but I would like to share Kendra with her because it's part of the growth and identity I am exploring.
Is this a good idea? Anyone have similar experiences or thoughts about what you might do in a similar situation?
Thank you, ladies!
@kendrawhite I generally use the rule of need-to-know. I never told my parents. My dad passed away 26 years ago when I was only doing things behind closed doors. My mom passed away 6 years ago, but I never intended to dress in front of her, so there was no need to tell her.
I haven't told my surviving siblings either. Again there is no need to say anythig as they're not going to stop by unannounced, and I'm not going to be dressed if I know they're comimg.
I have told my adult kids. Two still live with me and I'm dressed frequently at home, even if it is only wearing a skirt and top or a dress. I'm divorced, and my ex knows too. Besides going out on a semi regular basis, I didn't want my kids finding my stuff after I'm gone and never having the opportunity to talk with me about it or jumping to the wrong conclusions. This is why I felt there was a need to know for them.
I'm not sure if this is a helpful in your situation, but this has been my reasoning.
@kendrawhite Hi Kendra
I can only speak from my own experience. Basically though, what I’m going to say repeats much of what @melodeescarlet has already said. If you want, you can just skip the rest of this and simply read her reply twice 😊
For me, this is the key phrase in Melodee's reply:
In regards to your mother and similar people, when taking everything into consideration, I feel the tipping point is this: Are you telling this person for their benefit, or for yours?
This summer, I came out as trans first to my Mother and then to one of my sisters. I’m still not entirely sure what the trigger was for telling Mum after a lifetime of keeping everything secret. It wasn’t planned. She was staying with me and for some reason the time just suddenly felt right. If I wanted to analyse this, it was definitely for MY benefit, not hers. She would almost certainly never have found out if I hadn’t told her, and there was a possibility (admittedly slim, given that I more or less knew how she’d react) that I’d be burdening her with something she’d rather not have known. Happily, it’s all worked out very well.
BUT … my Mum and my middle sister share a house. Because I'd told my Mum, I felt that I HAD to tell my sister. Then Mum would have someone else that she could talk to about me. This was a case of ‘it’s better if they both know.’ This was really for EVERYONE'S benefit. Again, that’s worked out well too.
So, why stop there? I have another sister, and my Father is still alive (though separated from my Mother). I would actually love it if everyone in my family knew and I could just get on with being Ellie. But, of course, it's not just about me. I know that this older sister would NOT be accepting … and more to the point, neither would her husband. Telling her might benefit me, in terms of being more fully out, but it certainly wouldn’t benefit her. It would have a high likelihood of harming our relationship, and it’s simply better that she doesn’t know. If one day she finds out, well that's different; I'll deal with any fallout. As for my Father, he’s 90 in February and slowly, painfully, drifting into senility. Telling about me would likely only upset him and so I'm keeping quiet.
Touching on Angela’s reply, some of the above may change down the line should I opt to transition more fully. In that case I think that everyone close to me would genuinely need to know. But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
So, coming back to you, it's pretty much a risk/benefit analysis. Does your Mum really need to know? Just how strong is your compulsion to tell her? And just how high is the possibility that telling her would actually harm your relationship?
Hugs
Ellie x
@ellyd22 "some of the above may change down the line should I opt to transition more fully. In that case I think that everyone close to me would genuinely need to know. But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it." Hmmm, not if but when. I actually hope that after you retire, you will. Doing so would seem so fulfilling for the Ellie I have come to know (and much admire) thru CDH. Hugs, Connie🌹
@conniech The 'when' was unintentional, but there's probably a hidden (or not so hidden) truth there.
Well spotted, Columbo 🙂
Hugs
Ellie x
@ellyd22 Columbo? Yes, I can imagine Ellie as a Detective Columbo fan. "Just one more question ma'am , if I may." The writers, IMO, were expert in communicating suspicion, determination, suspense. Ellie expertly crafts comments, replies, stories in CDH.
@kendrawhite I did not tell my mother or father simply out of respect for them. They definitely would not accept and I did not want to add stress to their lives. Anyone else I was open to knowing.
@kendrawhite Ellie knows more about this than any other sister I have chatted with.
@kendrawhite Each situation has its +’s and -‘s and each has to be figured out on its own. That’s what makes it difficult as there is no one answer.
Before I retired nearly 8 years ago, I volunteered to be the Mistress of Ceremonies for an annual entertainment put on by our LGBT employee affinity group. After being a member for 12 years, I felt it was time for a public introduction. It was also my first real step towards social transition. Since I was planning to retire a few months later, I really didn’t give a shit.
Leading up to the event, I had The Conversation with my daughter and son (both grown), 7 or 8 close friends and my department manager at the time. If anyone had any questions, I wanted to address them directly. I thought about talking to my father, but I came to the conclusion that if anything went south, there might not be enough time to work things out (at the time I was 67 and he was 90). Therefore, we never talked about my gender identity (I consider myself to be transgender and non-binary).
Anytime we decide to come out to someone, we have to think about what we are going to say and tailor it to the particular person. We all hear things differently and process information differently, so we need to think about what might work best. The point is making sure that we are heard. People may choose to overlay their own prejudices, but they can’t say that we didn’t explain how things sit for us. Also, the better the preparation, the less likely it is for discussions to run off the rails and become an argument or a shouting match.
So, I did the Mistress of Ceremonies deal and all went well in front of about 130 people. Note that I do not recommend this as a way to come out, but it is what made sense to me at the time. For some reason, I have this “Go Big Or Go Home” thought process sometimes and it is just what I needed to do.
Hi Kendra,
She is your mother. Her primary concern would be you, and her second. Maybe I've been taken in by old TV shows and fantasy, but if she loves you, and sees how happy you are being your whole and true self, it should overcome her conservative prejudices. Let her know that you were suffering in the past and that you are happy and relieved as Kendra. If a parent cannot be supportive of their child's happiness, then they don't deserve the love that that child offers.
You must have learned something about being a woman from your mom. So maybe, just maybe, if it is within you to accept and nurture your child, then hopefully the example of how to do so came from your mother.
Break it to her gently. Let her know you are not asking for her permission or blessing. That this is who you are and you wish to share the good news with her. Tell her that she is free to chose the level of acceptance, and you will honor her decision when with her, but that you hope she can eventually love her daughter as she has loved her son.
I wish you the best outcome.
Madeline
Hi Kendra, Congratulations on even sharing it with those you have already! No minor feat, to be sure.
In regards to your mother and similar people, when taking everything into consideration, I feel the tipping point is this: Are you telling this person for their benefit, or for yours?
I have an 18yo daughter. She’s a typical Gen Z’er and considers herself pansexual, and so an open minded person. Once I’d established Melodee, I wanted to share that with her - to bond over makeup or clothing or whatever. However, every time I considered it, I stopped myself to realize that this telling benefitted ME. From her vantage point it could be anything from harmful to gleeful - but even being fairly certain of the outcome, I could never be 100%, and so I always opted out of ringing that bell.
(side note: as it happened, in Sept she informed me that she wanted to move out of her mom’s house and in with me. It was at this point that I knew I must tell her, but that was to inform her of what went on in my house - information she had a right to know before opting to move in)
But I would advise making this a component of your inner debate on telling those others. Does this benefit them? Are you transitioning? Will there be events that you’re both at where you’ll be en femme? If so, then yes, this benefits them and despite the risk, it’s a fair thing to do.
If telling them is more of a plea for acceptance - then I’d argue it’s a dice roll and it may very well jeopardize an otherwise peaceful if not joyful relationship. And frankly girl, the acceptance you want lies within anyway. You won’t find it in someone else. 🙂
[[hugs]] Melodee
You are getting good, varied advice, Kendra.
I can't add a lot other than to recommend being very careful. A conservative person can be really tough to judge whether she would be accepting or not, if that is important to you or her.
Initially, I thought that our daughter might be accepting, but after a few comments this year, I wasn't so sure and chose to keep this away from her, for now. Does she need to know now? No. It is a struggle getting her to communicate with us as it is and she won't be dropping in without notice, so I don't like the added risk.
If your mother is unlikely to find out from either you or the rest of the family, you are going to have to weigh whether telling her will form a rift between you two. You know her best. If your secret gets out regardless, then you should be prepared for any fallout.
Some good advice there Kendra and one that sticks out is who is it benefiting and does she need to know.
From what I see and read of you it appears you are moving forward with your dressing and it will become a major part of you in daily life where dressing is routine. If this is so then she will probably find out or see you dressed.
I had this dilemma when I knew that my dressing was expanding and knew that I wanted to progress so I needed to start telling people. I was never sure how she would react although she wasn't a solid conservative christian felt she needed to know. It took a lot of attempts but what I tried to do was lead the conversation into a subject to test the water. One day she was reading the paper about a trans person and commented how much of a woman she looked and that was my way in. When she was told there was a bit of a silence followed by a lot of questions then acceptance.
You are the one to make the decision and it could be that she will have to know but take your time to set it up right.
Good luck kendra.
Thank you for your input, ladies. You've given me some helpful direction in making this decision. It is mostly unlikely that she will find out on her own, although she does come to visit, and my new wardrobe, makeup, wigs, etc. are taking up increasing space in my 1-bedroom apartment. I am also regularly wearing nail polish on some fingers, so it could show up in a picture unintentionally. I don't really want to have to hide this part of me every time she's around, but it's also unlikely she will see me dressed. I'll probably keep going back and forth until I decide it's best or get focused on something else. Growing up with many of the same beliefs my mom still has gives me the unique vantage point of understanding both "sides" of this issue. My past self could never have guessed that I would be in this position today. I suppose that's a great reason to keep an open mind and question those things we believe and take for granted. Thanks again, ladies, for your help!
Kendra
Kendra,
First, you have the absolute right to be YOU unapologetically. However, we all know there are real world consequences when the "you"'s right to exist is not universally recognized and even condemned. And as Melodee has mentioned you cannot unring the bell once you have come out to someone. So like any decision you have to weigh the benefit/risk of the decision to yourself and to others.
Exposing them to the general idea first might be a good first step. Familiarity is the antithesis of prejudice as someone once said.
Hi Kendra ............telling them would be too much of a shock. Do they really need to know ...............? Maybe the subtle approach ......little things......like...........oh .........an interest in women's fashion ..............or .........liking ......."girly" things to gauge them .........over time they might think you a little ......strange ..........but when the time comes .........they will have adjusted ...........and say things like ........"oh....yeah.......figures.......he always seemed ....girlie .........." That way there is always a way out for you ............no big blow up..............just a slow adjustment .............to a new reality ........hope this makes sense .........................karley
Hi Kendra, lots of good advice and suggestions on this. I told my mother before she passed. It didn't seem to change our relationship, but she was getting way on in years and I'm just not sure she fully understood what I was saying. I hoped I was doing it for the both of us, but the result was probably more for me than her. With that thought, I had considered feeling her out, but then I realized that if I did and she was totally against alternate lifestyles, and I didn't tell her as result, I'd feel really bad about not being able now to share my life, so I just told her.
I think she did mention somewhere in there that she felt my father (who died accidently when I was 4 and my brothers were 6 and 1 month) that she sort of wondered about him as his best friend was probably gay as was another neighbor who he became friends with. All 3 of us have adult children and me and a brother have grandchildren, so I'm not at all sure there is/was some genetic trait issue or lifestyle, it's just the way things come out.
So, I would say if you feel it's important, and you can sit down with her with you both in a good place, then go ahead. Just understand that things may not go exactly as one would hope, and then just do what you can to make the best of it.
I always hope that one's actions over time mean a lot more than what one may say in haste in a tense moment. Sadly, that's not always the case.
ChloëC
it is important to consider a few other things: First your moms age, how deeply religious is she? There has been a lot of news about drag and the objections to it by people in the southern states, has she ever expressed any opinions about that? Would telling her injure your position with other family members? I believe the other ladies gave great advice but when I saw that she comes over and you are in a one bedroom apartment filled with your clothes it should give you pause about how to tell her. It is a terrible dilemma, all that I provided was more questions that hopefully will lead you to peaceful conclusion. Jenifer
