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What a strange weekend. Last weekend I had the time and freedom to dress on multiple days and explore the world with Gina. My alternative CD life has grown exponentially in the last six months, as my new found singleness has given me the opportunity to be more bold at home.
But this weekend I flew back to the Midwest (hello Chicago) to spend time with my identical twin (who doesn't know about Gina), my nephew, and old college roommates, as I went to a football game.
It felt weird and uncomfortable as I stole glimpses of CDH from my phone. I enjoyed my time back, but it felt like I was dressing for the other side in drab. Which persona was the real me? Or the preferred me? I caught myself looking at the cis-gendered, thinking I'd like that outfit. Lol
For the first time in recent memory, I felt that I would have preferred to spend time with Gina and couldn't wait to return home, where I could be me.
Am I experiencing something that other CDers have known? The sense that I was out of place, when previously it would have felt completely 'normal'?
Strange, I guess I am accepting Gina more and more. This experience must just be part of the process.
Hi Gina! Sounds like you had a great time in Chi-town. Whether you realized it or not....you had an epithamey (I think this is right).
As a woman............you have reached enlightenment. Congratulations.
Lady Veronica.
Both personas are part of you.
You enjoyed yourself; who wouldn't when out with friends? That's part of who you are. What you left at home this weekend was the expression that your femme side gives you. You're still you, but it's like your fine paint brush has been replaced with a wax crayon (or a dodgy old t-shirt substituted for a lovely dress).
Dodgy old t-shirts are only good for cleaning up paint; and ask any 4 year old how hard wax crayons are to use. Without your lovely dress there's nothing to give voice to your expression which leaves you feeling censored. This is not just about clothes or makeup or mannerisms: these dresses and t-shirts, and brushes and crayons are the means by which we show our inner selves to the world (or to ourselves).
If you'd been able to go entirely as Gina this weekend then I don't think you'd have felt so out of place. Life just sometimes calls for wax crayons.
I'm glad you're finding such acceptance in yourself.
P.S. Lady Veronica: did you mean <cite>epiphany</cite> (thoughts leading to an important realisation)?
P.P.S. I had to go look up the spelling too
Thank you both. The wax crayon analogy is perfect. That aptly describes my make up technique right now, it looks like I am using a crayon
Gina; I'd say it's the so called "pink fog/mist" of the fem world. It pulls you back in, once it has you.
Hi Gina
Great to hear from you.
By letting the Gina in you out you have evolved into something ‘more’.
More exciting, happy, gorgeous, fun, stylish. And guess the old you just doesn’t seem as enticing anymore.
Sometimes looking back to what we used to be makes us realise how much we have, for the want of a better word, ‘blossomed’.
love
B
That fits my experience.
When I first started going out as Laura, I was a bit shocked at just how "Laura" I felt. I did not feel like male me any more - but I've never really liked male me.
By separating myself into the male and female personas, I focussed far more on Laura, being new and interesting.
Then I had the realisation that some of Laura was creeping into my male persona, and I welcomed that tremendously.
To me it's a reasonably obvious process - there's these feminine aspects of my personality which I've quashed in my quest to "be a man", and to hide the fact I'm a "Tranny".
I don't even like the term cross dresser - I most certainly am not cross!
But having fully accepted, embraced and released the feminine, the masculine side is healing, becoming the person he should be.
Who knows where this will end, but my goal now is to release Laura as far as she wants to go, and complete the assimilation so that both sides are balanced and happy - or, who knows, maybe complete reconciliation into one single, better person.
I live in hope!
Love Laura
Dear Laura; Since 2016 I've considered myself a crossdresser. However since 2018, like you, my female mannerisms, gestures, and habits have become more prominent. Through my CD/TG support group, I've realized I'm gender fluid. Maybe this term would be more to your liking.
