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So I've been doing a lot of internal thinking (which is extremely healthy right? haha) but I'm starting to think I may be transgender. The earliest thoughts I have are fantasizing about being forced to wear women's clothes. I later found out that fantasies about "being forced to do something" are really just the mind's way of expressing a desire that is soceitally inappropriate. Around puberty at the age of 10 (which is pretty early, I know) I remember praying to "God" that "He" turn me female. This is when I started to become very depressed and encountered my first thoughts of suicide. I've dealt with depression for most of my life. Later I started to abuse drugs and alcohol to provide for emotional relief but it lead to a downward spiral and after a few years at college I wound back at home. Now I am glad to say that I am one year and eight months sober (!) and extremely proud of myself. I am currently enrolled at UW - La Crosse and am pursuing a degree in Psychology.
In the past, I have become entirely engrossed in my feminine self for a brief periods of time. I would buy tons of clothes, makeup, etc only to become ashamed of myself a couple weeks later. I would then throw away everything and try to readopt my male persona. Despite my knowledge of the non-binary aspect of Gender, I always thought it was an either/or thing with me. I've always been VERY attracted to women and I thought that by becoming feminine I wouldn't be able to date women, but I've beginning to disbelieve this.
I've taken several Transgender Tests on the internet, including the "COGIATI" test and each has stated I am a good candidate for gender dysphoria. This is both comforting and disconcerting at the same time.
Recently I have bought a lot of makeup, clothes, etc. But I am not as focused on the sexual aspects like I used to when I was younger. I'm living with 4 other male roommates who I was randomly assigned to live with and they have no idea. Coming to and fro from the bathroom is quite an ordeal in the mornings since I don't want them to see my hairless body or my pink toenails. I like my roommates (at least 3/4) but some are pretty close-minded (<coughs> Republican) and I'm pretty sure if I were to come out and say, "Hey guys, just to let you know: I'm a woman" they would be surprised. Not to say that I'm not going to express myself based on their ignorance. Screw that.
My plan so far is to go to counseling at the University (since it's included in tuition) and hopefully explore these aspects of myself. I also REALLY want to go out en femme and develop more feminine characteristics (walking in heels, voice exercises, maintaining smooth skin) regardless of whether that makes me trans, genderqueer or whatever. The fact is I like being feminine. It makes me happy.
Anyway, I've been rambling again, haha. Thanks for listening!
You are not alone . I first started crossdressing when my sister went off to college. I was 13 . We had rooms side by side in a finished basement and at night after she was gone for the summer , I would find myself in her room , going thur her clothes and stuff till dawn. I would put on her bras, pantyhose , heels , and prance around the basement while my parents were sleeping. I even got brave and started painting my nails and toes.
The urge kinda went away when I turned 16 .... After I got married in 1987 (19) I started finding myself going thur my wife's stuff as she was at work. We lived with her mother , so I would try on all her stuff too . One day as they were both at work , her sister came in (she lived right beside us) and caught me fully dressed . Makeup , heels and all . No one ever mentioned it too me , but I'm sure they all knew . We divorced 4 months after that .
I too , all thur the years have gathered up many collections ( Im 48 now) I would get embarrassed and burn it all in a pile . That happened at least 6 times.
I too have fought with drugs and alcohol. Seemed like the drugs made it more frequent to dress. I am no stranger to depression either.
Be yourself .... The world is more accepting of gender bending and trading these days....
Good luck Girl ! 🙂
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences, Lacy! You sound like an incredible person!
OMG! You are no way alone. I am 56 and I just can't stand it anymore. It's always on my mind. I am in counseling now and my wife is great with support although I suspect if I were to transition I would lose her (she is very supportive with cross dressing and femme expression) . I have been dressing since around 9 or 10. I remember that I actually thought at some point when I was younger that I would grow breasts. My heart races 1000 mph when I think about transitioning to a woman. I have struggled with this all my life. It's was my guarded secret until my second wife came into my life. You are amazing to share your thoughts, thank you so much!
Thanks, Vanessa! It is such an unbelievable feeling to know that my thoughts and feelings have a universal validity. I'm so thankful of all those who have replied with their own experiences and their condolences! I'm so happy I could cry.
xoxoxoxo
Susan
I think it's exciting. Learning that your trans is something that is definitely an exciting moment. Dont be embarassed or down on yourself for being that way. It is 100% acceptable to be transgender. Some people will have issues with it but that should not ruin your passion. But by that logic, everything would be ruined because somewhere there is somebody who will always hate on something. If you think youre trans, try being trans. As for the attraction side, it can take a while to find the right type of guy.
Hi Susan,
In this day and age it should not be a problem being transgender, it was very different when I was your age here in the UK. I think it's about acceptance, once you have fully accepted your whole self, both male and female sides you will eventually not only come to terms with who you are but you will develop an idea of what you want to do in the longer term. This is a journey and you never know what it will throw up along the way, but what ever happens enjoy your life and enjoy the journey!