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Had myself what my mother in law calls an AFGO (Another Flipping Growth Opportunity) yesterday. I went out with my wife and her best friend yesterday to a large outdoor shopping area that's something like an inside-out mall. There were SO MANY PEOPLE! I've been out shopping en femme many times at this point, so I was surprised at my reaction. I kept my mask on! I was surprised at how much anxiety I had, and I'm struggling to understand it. We went to several stores and sometimes being in a store was calming, depending on the store. After shopping we took in the matinee of Barbie (we LOVED it) by which time I was nearly panicked. The matinee was a $4 special, so the theater lobby was packed. I was standing in line with my wife and she said she was going to use the ladies while I held our place in line. I held her arm and said please don't leave me! I've never had to do that! Once we made it to our seats and the movie started, I was fine. It was the first time out that my confidence simply evaporated!
After the movie we were talking about getting dinner and made a plan to meetup with our bestie's husband and baby. He knows I'm nonbinary and often dress, but I've never been dressed around him before, and honestly it didn't feel like the time for it given my headspace, but it would have been SO awkward to suddenly bow out at that moment that I just had to roll with it. It was fine, I knew it would be, I just have issues with male friends seeing me dressed and I need to get over it. These friends are strong allies, super accepting and supportive, and I'm by no means their only nonbinary friend, but I'm definitely the only one that crossdresses. It was a major hurdle right when I was feeling overwhelmed, and I'd never been so glad to be home again!
Long story short (too late), I feel like I need some new strategies for regaining my composure if I get overwhelmed in public. What do you, if this ever happens to you?
I am still working on doing the same only thing I could say is take slow steady breaths and try to calm yourself down
I went through a phase (a rather LONG phase) of getting all dressed, heading to the door, and just standing there. Once I crossed the threshold I was fine . . . until I got to the restaurant/store/mall or whatever. Then I'd sit in the car, just sit. Getting out more often as well as getting out WITH someone - spouse, friend (cis girls are SO helpful to overcome these fears). All I can offer is that I got over it (eventually) and I'm sure you will, too, Sweetie.
Most of us have had similar experiences no doubt, I certainly have. We survive and it is just one more bit of experience that we log into our lives and for the most part makes us stronger. I am sorry it seems to have made for a stressful day, but you got through it and now you know that you can get through such days. I am ad you stick to your plans and i. In the end, it sounds like it was a pretty wonderful day, one many of us wish to experience. Just maybe without the stress😘
I know what your talking about. Today I am out and about as Cassie almost everywhere almost all the time. A couple years ago I wanted to shop at a local Wal-mart, but when I got to the parking lot and saw how busy they were I chickened out and left. I worked at Target for 40 years and was terrified to go in shopping at my old store, I still knew a lot of the people there. Now for almost 2 years now I go shopping in that store once a week and out to most of my old co-workers. There are still some places where I get uncomfortable. I would love to go to Ulta to get some advice on cosmetics, often I go in get a little advice, look around and leave feeling under stress (have they 'made' me?? do they care??).
For almost all of us this being overwhelmed never completely goes away.
. Cassie
I guess it was just my turn! I hadn't given much thought to the crowds before I left the house, and since I was with my "acceptance posse" I felt as safe as always. The difference this time is that my usual strategy of "lean into it" failed me. It was still a fine day out, but for a few choice moments...
Yes, in the end I'm glad I didn't dash home, and it was a lovely day in spite of everything!
Anytime I'm out, whether dressed or in drab, one thing I have noticed about people is that they are so into their own stuff that they never really notice others. We're all like this. Think about the last time you were out. Do you specifically remember anyone you encountered other than familiar individuals? This degree of general anonymity helps me not get overwhelmed when out as my authentic self. Will there be exceptions? Sure, but for me these have been in a very small minority and I have just extricated myself form the situation as quickly as possible and continued my day. I just keep the big picture of my authenticity in mind and it helps me move on quickly. Of course, people who dress over the top or to be noticed will get attention. Most of the time this is what they want or expect but if I dress to blend in, I feel confident in my ability to be in public and just be one of the women. This didn't happen overnight for sure but being confident in my own appearance was a big factor to getting me where I am now.
Just take your time, you will likely have good days, easy to go out, AND some days will be more stressful, not so easy.
Good luck ,.Cassie
Nikki,
It can take some time for a CD to get over the anxiety and nerves that surface when out & about en femme. It's common so do not be overly concerned. In some respects it is actually easier to be comfortable in crowds because you get lost in all the people. There are so many people around that others attention can only take in so much, resulting in them often not even noticing you. And don't equate someone noticing you to mean that they have clocked you. Your fear may be related to the fear of getting clocked but any CD that goes out in public will have to face the fact that they will definitely be clocked and they will have to learn to deal with it. I have been out hundreds of times and pass until I open my mouth. So I have been clocked countless times but I've never had a problem.
One small thing you can do is wear sunglasses everywhere including inside a store. Hiding your eyes helps hide any nervousness you may feel that others will notice and enables you to look at others without worrying that they will look back at you.
Thank you, Fiona. I'm usually ok out en femme, it's just that something felt... off. I kept my sunglasses (and mask) on the whole time. My wife even said that she only saw one person all day who did a double-take, so I know that it was mostly in my head. It was all so different, and I can only guess that it was the sheer VOLUME of people (which might very well have been a bit much for me in any state). I appreciate your perspective on how you can disappear in a large crowd. I'll definitely be reminding myself of that the next time I'm in this situation. Thanks, Fiona!
I've been going out femme since I was 17. It was often very scary and I chickened out. I was going to go places and do things but my nerve didn't hold out.
In fact, I would have to say that every time I'm about to go out, I'm nervous. I have to push through that nervousness. If I can do that, I begin to feel the excitement and thrill. That's where my boldness and nerve comes from. In all honesty though, I would have to say if I've been out 100 times, I easily chickened out 2000 times.
One day I was out dressed en femme, at a outdoor shopping center and it was extremely hot, 100 degrees plus, so I knew that I had to stay hydrated and I had consumed two bottles of water. The outdoor shopping center was packed with tourists.I was walking around not looking for anything in particular I went into the food court to get out of the heat and into the air conditioning, so I could cool off. I bought a bottle of water and sat down at a table. I suddenly got the urge that I needed to pee. I located the sign for the ladies room. This wasn't my first time that I went into a ladies room, but this time there was a long line waiting to get in. I normally don't get nervous about going to the ladies room, but today I felt overwhelmed, standing there in a line of women and teenage girls who like me needed to use the ladies room. The line moved so slow and I prayed that nobody would talk to me Finally I was the next one to go in, and a girl came up to me and asked me if she would mind if she went in ahead of me and I could see that she was stressed because it was obvious that she was having her period, because she was holding a tampon in her hand. I smiled at her and said, in my best feminine voice. Go ahead. She thanked me and I felt good about letting her go ahead of me and surprisingly my anxiety went away. Sometimes it takes something like this to happen so that you can stop being nervous about being overwhelmed by a group of people I knew that I had been accepted as a girl and there weren't any reason to be nervous anymore
I just want to say thank you for sharing your story Nikki and thank all who responded. You are so brave to go out despite fear and anixiety. I get overwhelmed just thinking about going out en femme. I have no advice to give, just want to say I respect you for your strength.
💖Lola
Aw... thank you for the kind words, Lola. I don't feel brave, more like... determined? Sure, let's go with that! xo, Nikki
