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Cheating

34 Posts
16 Users
88 Reactions
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Posts: 1104
 Erin
Princess
Topic starter
(@erinb)
Noble Member     Ohio, United States of America
Joined: 5 months ago

Some wild topic that came to my mind are we all actually cheaters. Let’s think about this most hide this life style from are SO family friends etc. some are great full to have supportive relationships some do not some end bad and some just don’t want to see. So as I sit here tonight thinking I feel most have hiding this life style from are family SO etc so have we been cheating on them all along. One may think how can this be possible, well we hiding it and then usually drop the mic on them. I can say I personally asked my SO if she knew back then what she knew today would we be who we are today. Answer was no, women married men cause that was there attraction not women. So I feel I have been cheating on my SO and pushing someone on here that she dose not want or find attractive. I feel if she did then possibly she would be more into women than men. Most probably think I’m crazy but am I,have anyone actually asked where they be today if they knew, or they stayed cause there love for them. Cheating just not a physical thing but also can be an emotional thing. So why do we do this to are SO family friends etc. I haven’t a single clue clearly as you can see I have done this myself. Am I a cheater I feel yes, I cheater her in many ways and also become untrustworthy cause I feel we only share what we think they want to hear. Only if they knew are actually thoughts and feelings but unfortunately I feel that would end in a bad relationship. So why do we do this so called cheating, is it just use is it more I haven’t a clue i still do this today. I do have to say my own opinion is I truly feel bad for are SO and others that we effected there thoughts emotions and trust in one another. Unfortunately this is are life and YES I feel we have cheated others to make use happy is that so wrong tho only one can say for them selfs. Sorry for this just was a thought 💭 maybe I’m the crazy one in the end. Think about this tho are you as loyal as you think you are guess the one can only answer 

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14 Replies
Managing Ambassador
(@bellaz76)
Joined: 4 months ago

Honorable Member     London, Middlesex, United Kingdom
Posts: 308

@erinb Hey Erin, i also saw this and had a long think about it before replying, because my initial reaction was no its not cheating , i would not say i have felt , since finding out about hubby he has cheated on me in any way.

But.....now thinking this through, i would say perhaps there is a part of my somewhere that feels somewhat cheated....not cheated on......but cheated out of a choice.  

For me, this is because i fell deeply in love with my husband, almost instantly, and i do truly believe we are soulmates (if there is such a thing) and i spent seven years with HIM, in that time married HIM and then BAMMMM.....who did i marry?

I know a lot of wives and SO's do feel somewhat cheated on, not specifically using this word, but feel all the aspects of cheating were involved, IE: lying, hiding things and not being honest.  

I/he/she is one of the lucky ones because I have thrown myself into research and acceptance almost immediately, after a few weeks of shock and horror and anger and upset, because i came to one realisation, whatever happens - aside from physical cheating (which i KNOW i wouldn't be able to overcome) I adore this person, always have and always will, so i know i have two choices right now, i either fully accept, so we can both be happy, OR i kinda accept and question, continue to be scared, worried, upset or other and not live a happy life.  I don't have a choice to not be with him, because i love him too much for this to be an option.  

I wasn't entirely sure where this reply was going, but having read back what i have just said here, i think in summary I don't see this as cheating, as mentioned above that is one thing i could not accept, it would hurt too much.

But have i been cheated out of a choice, before i fell in love.....there's a question i still ponder..... Beg  

I will end this with an apology that my reply is all over the place and not really making a lot of sense even to myself, but in summary I CHOSE HAPPINESS - FOR me for hubby , for our new addition (well my new addition Victoria - the wife i never knew i had) and that today is all I need.

Try not to be too hard on yourself , you are you and that's good enough for us, and for the world Pride Heart Big Love Eyes Blow Kiss  

 

 

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Duchess
(@gracepal)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 960

@bellaz76 This post makes total sense to me Victoria. I appreciate your candor and honesty every time I read your thoughts. My heart goes out to all the wives involved with this silliness🥰

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Duchess
(@gracepal)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 960

Good grief, I meant Laura when I replied to this. Looks like you figured it out 🥰

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 Erin
Princess
(@erinb)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     Ohio, United States of America
Posts: 1104

@bellaz76 as an SO thank you for sharing your thoughts dearly 

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Duchess
(@mkat3874)
Joined: 4 months ago

Reputable Member     Northeast GA , Georgia, United States of America
Posts: 151

@erinb 

Not too long ago I asked my wife if she knew then what she knew now, would she have ever dated and ultimately married me.  Her answer was a resounding yes.  Every relationship is different and I can only speak to my situation but she knew of my interest in crossdressing from the earliest days of our marriage.  She said she saw clues even when we were dating.  In fact, it was she who dressed me up fully the first time and suggested I shave my legs only a few weeks after we were married. I had my own internal struggle that I had to work through for years to finally accept myself but she has been right there all the way.  

 

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Duchess
(@gracepal)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 960

@mkat3874 This is why I always told every serious relationship about my “hobby” by date #2. I was never going to have the “had I known about this before”…conversation with any potential partner after we were committed to each other in a relationship. I picked right almost 100% of the time too, no one ever bailed on me.

This topic has made me recall and chuckle at the thought of, a date #2 that I absolutely knew on the 2nd date was not going to become serious…that went something like this: 

Her: Your arms are really smooth, do you shave them?

Me: No, I wax them because I’m really hairy and I don’t like it.

Her: Well, you need to stop that right now because I like hairy arms, in fact, the hairier the better!

Me: Waitress, check please.

GP

 

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Duchess
(@mkat3874)
Joined: 4 months ago

Reputable Member     Northeast GA , Georgia, United States of America
Posts: 151

@gracepal 

Awesome!  If I let my legs go for a few days she reminds me to clean em' up. 

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 Erin
Princess
(@erinb)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     Ohio, United States of America
Posts: 1104

@gracepal that ended I’m on the floor laughing thank you 

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Duchess
(@gracepal)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 960

@erinb We all gotta keep laughing Erin☺️

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 Erin
Princess
(@erinb)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     Ohio, United States of America
Posts: 1104

@gracepal yes indeed 

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Duchess
(@missylinda)
Joined: 2 years ago

Noble Member     Ft Worth, Texas, United States of America
Posts: 847

@erinb unlike Michelle, I didn’t tell my wife until the 52nd year of our marriage.  I will say that the fog only visited about 5 times a year. Looking back at how I was as a 22 year old, coming out was not an option as I still felt at that time that what I did was somehow sick.  My wife is tolerant only and is not a cheerleader.  She is the love of my life, and would purge in a heartbeat to save my marriage.

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Duchess
(@gracepal)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 960

@missylinda Same here, wouldn’t hesitate.

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Lady
(@cherylt)
Joined: 6 months ago

Prominent Member     Honesdale, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Posts: 438

@erinb Yes, I felt I was cheating my wife. That's why I finally came out to her fully. I was tired of all the hiding and lying and stealing time from her just to have a few minutes of Me time. I couldn't do it any longer. If it meant she wanted to leave then I was prepared for that but I wasn't going to Cheat her of me time any more. 

Now that's over. She is accepting and understanding and participating. All those moments I would have taken from her are instead shared with her.

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 Erin
Princess
(@erinb)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     Ohio, United States of America
Posts: 1104

Emotional cheating, also known as an emotional affair, is a close emotional connection between two people that is not physical. It can involve sharing personal information, feelings, and secrets with someone other than a partner

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Posts: 195
 Lacy
Duchess
(@rholtman96)
Reputable Member     Lincoln city, Oregon, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

My wife found out about my crossdressing in the first 2 months of our dating, so no, maybe if I didn't cross-dress, we would be in a different place than we are now, and she and I wouldn't have lasted.

Lacy

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Posts: 133
Lady
(@sunnyday)
Estimable Member     Oxford, Oxfordshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 2 years ago

The worst thing about being a crossdresser is the lies I've told to the person who puts most trust in me. My only justification is the thought that I may be entitled to some privacy, where privacy does no harm.

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1 Reply
Duchess
(@gracepal)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 960

@sunnyday I like that take Alli- and it’s totally true. And it certainly is not cheating.

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Posts: 263
Lady
(@prettytoes)
Honorable Member     alfred, Maine, United States of America
Joined: 1 month ago

im not in a relationship with anyone. but if my friends ever found out do i think they would really care? am i still the same person i was before they knew? if they didn't like me anymore than i guess they are not a true friend. I'm not pushing my cd ways on them. i do deserve to be happy and dressing does that. I'm not doing drugs or drinking to be happy. no harm in wearing clothes is there? i always think of dressing as me being a spy or its Halloween and im the only one dressed. if she smokes and you don't is that cheating? id say yes. she's polluting the air i breath. if she uses a sex toy, is that cheating? if it makes her happy then probably not. she dresses up, why can't you? women express their feelings, why can't you?

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Posts: 3362
Hostess
(@ab123)
Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

Quite thoughtful Erin as from all the posts on this it would seem that partners would see it as some form of cheating. It's a secret and partners who you love and trust shouldn't be cheated on and nothing should be hidden.

They married a man and, as you say had they had known this at the start of a relationship it would have ended there and then. It can also break a relationship if it comes out later.

Of course there are exceptions to where a partner will accept this and it be part of the marriage with whatever arrangement is agreed.

Having a secret life like this also plays on the mind of a crossdresser too which also has an effect on an individual in mental health which can also cause issues within a relationship.

So is there a perfect answer? Be honest and open from the start, keep it a secret, who knows as every situation is different. 

For me I did tell a partner as things were going well and I was dropped like a hot potato. Another discussed it, she was accepting but we looked at how it would affect the bigger picture and decided it wasn't to be. We are still good friends and see each other many years on. We are both happy so maybe it was meant to be this way. For me I decided not to enter into any relationship after that.

My own opinion is to be open and honest but that won't suit everyone as the dynamics change if you have been in a marriage.

 

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1 Reply
 Erin
Princess
(@erinb)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     Ohio, United States of America
Posts: 1104

@ab123 truly understand honesty is the big thing from the beginning witch I was not mine still not supportive of any of it and prefers not to see but tolerates it if the conditions are right I do agree as a CD mental emotions are definitely there 

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Posts: 597
Duchess
(@michellemybell)
Noble Member     Clearwater, Florida, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

I did not tell my wife before we married because I thought I would no longer dress.  That lasted about 4 years before I fell off the wagon and got caught two weeks later.  She loved me and tried to be understanding but it was a big eck factor for her and she didn't want to see it so we have had a DADT relationship to it.  

She may not have stayed with me had I told her up front but we have been married over 55 years and she says she never once thought about leaving me over that time so we are both happy how things worked out.

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3 Replies
Duchess
(@loneleycd)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     Roland, Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 2144

@michellemybell Michelle, I am happy and sad for the 2 of you at the same time. Happy in how your wife did not let your CD end the relationship. Sad that she wouldn't question you and try to be more accepting and understanding. 

Still glad you were able to find a long lasting love. 

Cassie 

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 Erin
Princess
(@erinb)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     Ohio, United States of America
Posts: 1104

@michellemybell 55 years congratulations that’s absolutely amazing truly a blessing that everything panned out indeed 

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Duchess
(@michellemybell)
Joined: 3 years ago

Noble Member     Clearwater, Florida, United States of America
Posts: 597

@erinb After reading Laura's post and thinking hard about not giving my wife a choice I would like to add to my comment.  Had I told my wife before we married, I would have said I use to cross dress but stopped when I joined the marines and I am done with that.  She would have married me with the promise that I was no longer dressing.  I would have passed the same store 4 years into our marriage with the same classic 4 inch pumps on sale for $5 in a size 11 which was almost unheard of in the early 70's.  I would have bought them and two weeks later she would had found them.  Only difference is now I would have broken a promise and lost her trust.  I would have promised again to stop and failed again.  I know this since I purged six times over time and failed every time.  The last time was seven years ago and I was already 70 then.  It's only been since I joined this caring and supportive community that I have started to accept that I am how God made me and that I am a good person worthy of love.

Having said all that, I decided to ask my wife, how things would have played out if I would have told her about my cross dressing before we married and promised to stop but failed.  She admitted that she would have felt betrayed and it would have brought back a lot of issues for her growing up with an alcoholic mother.  Odds are that our marriage would have ended at some point.

We are both glad things went the way they did and I think that not telling would be the better choice for anyone who thought at the time that they could promise to stop. The best choice clearly would be to know ourselves well enough to accept who we are and share that with our prospective spouse.  Today there is enough information available that it is more likely for a young cross dresser to realize this is who they are and share that information.

Thank you Erin for a fascinating question that prompted a lot of deep thought. 

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Posts: 81
Lady
(@orcharddwee)
Estimable Member     Staten Island, New York, United States of America
Joined: 4 months ago

Saw this last night and had to think about this before I responded. Cheating, to me, has always been about the physical act of having sex with someone who isn't your SO. Does this include having a sexchat with someone and you both get off on it? I would think it probably should since you are connecting with someone else on a sexual level, even if it's technically not "sex". Does this include when you view pornography and pleasure yourself? Or even just pleasuring yourself to some fantasies in your head? I would probably say no, but I can see why your SO would have a problem with it. I say, if you find yourself in a situation where you keep having secrets from your SO, then that's a problem you need to work on and you're not being fair to your SO. Do you really love your SO if you're keeping that many secrets from them?

In regards to crossdressing, if you're keeping it a secret, then the only one you're really cheating is yourself from having the life you want. I don't want to come off as someone who's judging you all from an ivory tower, because this goes for myself as well. Even though I'm out to all my friends, I do keep my crossdressing secret from my family and from work, but it eats at me every day. Will I get the courage to come out fully, to everyone? That's part of the reason why I came back here, to gain that courage through bonding with others.

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4 Replies
 Erin
Princess
(@erinb)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     Ohio, United States of America
Posts: 1104

@orcharddwee cheating not always physical what about emotional cheating 🤔

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Lady
(@orcharddwee)
Joined: 4 months ago

Estimable Member     Staten Island, New York, United States of America
Posts: 81

@erinb I don't know. That's why I stated that cheating, for me, is physical.

EDIT: Eh, that sounds a little bitchy and for that I apologize. Maybe I'm misunderstanding your concept. I guess what's confusing for me is that cheating, even on the physical level, is emotional. I guess what you're talking about is deception, even if it is unintentional?

 

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 Erin
Princess
(@erinb)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     Ohio, United States of America
Posts: 1104

@orcharddwee what if you had a relationship online never meet but talked on the phone FaceTime but hid things would that still be physical cheating or emotional cheating there’s more to the story then I personally would like to talk about publicly i apologize 

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 Erin
Princess
(@erinb)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     Ohio, United States of America
Posts: 1104

@orcharddwee Emotional cheating, also known as an emotional affair, is a close emotional connection between two people that is not physical. It can involve sharing personal information, feelings, and secrets with someone other than a partner

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Posts: 1434
(@finallyfiona)
    Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

When I came out to my SO last Easter, and revealed the feminine life that I was able to lead completely unknown to her while at my own house, naturally she was shocked.  She never used the 'cheating' word though.  She did say that she felt I'd lied, by omitting to tell her anything about my growing inclinations at any time during the preceding years. 

I agree, and have to hold my hand up to that.  I knew her position at the time was that she wouldn't accept me as a woman in any way, we would be over if I wanted to transition.  We'd been long-term partners, engaged but not married.  I guess like Laura @bellaz76 says, essentially she was cheated out of the choice to end things with me during that time.

Luckily, she's since decided to accept me as I now am and we're back together, with me living openly as Fiona with her as I do everywhere else in my life.  But it might take some time yet for that level of emotional trust to build back again.

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Posts: 1
(@jamielosaltos)
New Member     Texas, United States of America
Joined: 1 month ago

I quit drinking last year.  I had a problem where alcohol was a bigger part of my life than I wanted.  There were times my wife asked me if I had been drinking or how much I was drinking.  Many times I said no or that I had just a couple.  I had a stash in the garage and when I would do woodworking or such I would drink.  

I have learned and have since apologized to my my wife that the lying and secret drinking were a betrayal.  It was not cheating but I was not being honest with her.

I see this the same way. I have been much more honest and open regarding CD than I was with my drinking.  

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Posts: 810
 Leah
Baroness
(@leah63)
Noble Member     Minneapolis, Minnesota, United States of America
Joined: 7 years ago

I told my wife about 4 months into our dating, so she could decide if this is what she wanted to deal with and handle. So, I do not feel I cheated in her with my dressing.

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1 Reply
 Erin
Princess
(@erinb)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     Ohio, United States of America
Posts: 1104

@leah63 best to be open and honest upfront I did not it was some time after 

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