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DESIRE VS GUILT AND SHAME

36 Posts
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Posts: 29
Duchess
Topic starter
(@hiddentruth)
Trusted Member     Taylor, Michigan, United States of America
Joined: 1 year ago

Hello to all you lovely ladies. I have been gone from the site for a year or so.  I purged and stopped dressing as my internal battle with my desire to cross dress and the shame and guilt that eventually causes me to purge rages on.  I have recently starting to dress again buying some lingerie. I have never tried to pass, ie make up and wig, but at times have dressed fully including breast forms and complete outfits (in private). I know I am not alone in this struggle and am hoping lean on the members here for advice or personal stories that they would like to share to help me with my struggle.  Thanks, Sasha

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35 Replies
18 Replies
Lady
(@cherylt)
Joined: 7 months ago

Prominent Member     Honesdale, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Posts: 485

@hiddentruth Sasha,

I feel for you and your struggle. I remember those feelings from the past. How I ached to don my pretty clothes and hurried to spend those few minutes or hours whenever the chance arose. Then the rush of emotions when I had to remove them. How guilty I felt, how ashamed thinking there must be something wrong with me to love this so much. 

It took years and years and a number of purges before I finally accepted that there is nothing wrong with me, I'm not doing anything perverted, not hurting anyone by wearing these clothes. At last I accepted myself. I accepted that this is part of me. It's a part of my self expression. As soon as I did that all those feelings disappeared. I realized that all that guilt and shame was something that existed in the minds of others who did not know me and who had no right to judge me and make me feel that way. 

I no longer carry those feelings. I know who I am, what kind of a person I am and that nothing I do is worthy of those detrimental feelings.

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Duchess
(@hiddentruth)
Joined: 1 year ago

Trusted Member     Taylor, Michigan, United States of America
Posts: 29

@cherylt  Thanks to much for sharing your personal experience, knowing I am not alone in this struggle and how you dealt with it is comforting. Sasha

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Lady
(@cherylt)
Joined: 7 months ago

Prominent Member     Honesdale, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Posts: 485

@hiddentruth I'm pretty certain we've all had those feelings at some time. At first it was because I thought I was the only one who was like this, long before the internet and the wealth of information available today. 

It took a long time for me to accept myself and when I did all that changed. Now I love myself and love this part of me too. Just be you. There's nothing wrong with that. 

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Duchess
(@rebeccaoh)
Joined: 7 months ago

Estimable Member     Oxford, Ohio, United States of America
Posts: 77

@hiddentruth Each of us has our own timeline for self acceptance. Even when I got there, I still have lows that remind me of feelings like you’re experiencing. Just remember that you didn’t cause this, you aren’t hurting anyone, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Also, always try to avoid purging fully from now on if you can. I’ve seen good ideas that if you feel the need to purge, bag everything up and put it into long term storage. Then, when the urge comes back inevitably, you’ll still have those things that bring you comfort. And remember to be kind to yourself as best you can.

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Duchess
(@hiddentruth)
Joined: 1 year ago

Trusted Member     Taylor, Michigan, United States of America
Posts: 29

@rebeccaoh Thanks for you support and advice, love your idea about long term storage, Gurl stuff is so expensive, would hate to hazard a guess on how much money I spent and things that I purged. Sasha

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 Erin
Princess
(@erinb)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     Ohio, United States of America
Posts: 1171

@hiddentruth welcome back Sasha nice to meet you sorry to hear about the struggles we support you here don’t beat yourself up to hard over this with guilt and shame it who we are it’s what we enjoy 😉 hopefully you come to ease and enjoy your time as a CD TC and remember this community has your back 

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Baroness
(@sienna106)
Joined: 10 months ago

Estimable Member     Manchester, GreaterManchester, United Kingdom
Posts: 66

@hiddentruth - I don't know if this helps, but I used to have doubts and question myself
about being a CD, I must have wondered why me a thousand times, but then one day whilst thinking about it yet again, I had another thought, I have a sense of humour, but I don't ask why or question any part of it, I accept it as being who I am, and that was the moment like the final piece of a jigsaw puzzle dropping into place, I realised that being a CD is who I am, I don't need to doubt or question it, and since then I've never given it a second thought. So think about all the many things that make you who you are, and accept that being a CD is just one of them, after all I doubt you would consider a sense of humour a problem. So accept what you do, and the way you do it....and enjoy

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Duchess
(@hiddentruth)
Joined: 1 year ago

Trusted Member     Taylor, Michigan, United States of America
Posts: 29

@sienna106 Thanks for your wise advice and support. Sasha

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Baroness
(@annaredhead)
Joined: 11 months ago

Famed Member     Cornwall, United Kingdom
Posts: 1839

@hiddentruth Welcome back!

I have only ever purged once, when I was about 27 and just before I got married.

I came out to my wife after 24 years of marriage and with her support brought Anna out of hibernation.

I limit Anna's time in public and the number of people who know about Anna is very small, but that suits me. I've no feeling of guilt or shame about it, I love pretty clothes.

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(@carolinecd306)
Joined: 7 months ago

Estimable Member     Fraser Valley, British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 119

@hiddentruth Sasha, seems like you have been reading my mail. For decades Ive been fighting a battle of shame and guilt vs enjoying CD. ATM shame and guilt is losing but Im sure the battle will rage on. 

 

C💋

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Duchess
(@loneleycd)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     Roland, Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 2157

@hiddentruth All the best to you, Sasha. The shame and purging cycles are so familiar here. I know

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 4016

Welcome to CDH, Sasha!

Posted by: @hiddentruth

the shame and guilt that eventually causes me to purge rages on.  …

I know I am not alone in this struggle and am hoping lean on the members here for advice or personal stories that they would like to share to help me with my struggle.

I have never purged and am unlikely to ever purge.

If you ever get to the point where you have the urge to purge… don't. If you absolutely must do something, pack everything up in a box, tape it up and only put it away somewhere safe.

 

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Lady
(@joannajoy)
Joined: 2 months ago

Reputable Member     British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 217

@hiddentruth Hello Sasha… I was once here a few years back, big purge, left here… this is not something I can shake off, believe me I’ve tried many times over the years. Now I choose to embrace it and dress how and when I can. Feel free to reach out if you like… hugs… jo

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Ambassador
(@alexina)
Joined: 1 year ago

Illustrious Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Posts: 2208

@hiddentruth 

Hi, Sasha, Angela's @ab123 right, this topic comes up frequently, and rightly so. Many of the girls suffer at the claws of the shame and guilt beasts.

Horrible as it is, it's a normal reaction to behaving in a way that "society" tells us is wrong and we must be blah blah blah for even thinking about it!

I only really recognised and accepted my female side last year, not long after joining here as it happens, perhaps there's a correlation 😂. Took me nearly 60 years so I know that accepting yourself is made much more likely by being accepted by others. That happens here every day.

What is maybe even more helpful is being accepted by our wives and SO's, there are a few of us lucky souls who don't have to hide who we are and don't have to worry about storing clothes. I am there now but for over 50 years, I languished in the closet and I'll tell you, it's hazardous to one's mental health!

I wish I could bestow the happiness I feel onto you and others in the same situation but, this community can help a lot, keep sharing.

Allie x

 

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Duchess
(@hiddentruth)
Joined: 1 year ago

Trusted Member     Taylor, Michigan, United States of America
Posts: 29

@alexina Hi Allie, Thank you for your kind words and sharing your story.

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Duchess
(@missylinda)
Joined: 2 years ago

Noble Member     Ft Worth, Texas, United States of America
Posts: 851

@hiddentruth   Yes I also have been where the other sisters here have been.  I have finally discovered that far from a curse, we are the most fortunate group on the planet.  We can walk in 2 different worlds every day if we choose.  Most men, and most women will never know our joy and excitement.  As  I walk down the street I have a greedy smile knowing those i pass will never know how great our “ curse “ is. So , head up, big smile,  I’ll see you on the  golden path.   .  Hugs. Lorraine

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(@lauren114)
Joined: 2 years ago

Noble Member     Delaware, United States of America
Posts: 1209

@hiddentruth I feel you so much sister!   For many years, I experienced the guilt and shame associated with my need for feminine expression.   This included multiple purges and attempts to quit.  Every time though, I came back with stronger urges than before.  Finally, I when to therapy and worked through my issues with a wonderful psychologist.  She helped me realize that this is who I am and try as I might, it wasn't going to change.  This has helped me to normalize my feminine expression in my life and integrate it into my daily existence more and more.   As a result, I am so much more comfortable with myself and much happier than I was before.   I hope that you are able to find a way to cope and that you overcome your struggle.  There are many girls here who have a similar experience to yours and can be helpful to you.

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Duchess
(@hiddentruth)
Joined: 1 year ago

Trusted Member     Taylor, Michigan, United States of America
Posts: 29

@lauren114 Hi Lauren, Thanks so much for sharing your positive personal story, Sasha

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Posts: 3446
Hostess
(@ab123)
Illustrious Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 5 years ago

It's an extremely hard thing to overcome Sasha, it's an almost 'fight or flight' situation.  There are many posts on this forum which echo your feelings. 

My own thoughts are that if we have been bought up as male then all the expectations have to be lived and therefore ingrained in our psyche so dressing is difficult to reconcile against that need. It may explain the guilt and purges as the mind cannot properly process this need to dress then of course the guilt that this is wrong and also what happens if someone finds out.

The one thing that is high here that it is quite a normal reaction and quite common too and the fact it will probably never go away. What you will find if you delve into older posts and features is a wealth of information and experience in dealing with the thoughts, rationalising them and dealing with them. There is so much support here and helpful words to help you try to understand yourself and work out where you wish to go.

So always feel free to express your thoughts as even just writing and posting is a relief to know you are being heard. 

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Posts: 29
Duchess
Topic starter
(@hiddentruth)
Trusted Member     Taylor, Michigan, United States of America
Joined: 1 year ago

Hi Angela, Thanks for your support, love and advice. Sasha

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Posts: 2172
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Famed Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

I agree with Cheryl and followed a similar path. I just came to accept that I enjoyed wearing women's clothes and that it brought me pleasure...just like any other hobby. Just like any other activity, one needs to find the right balance. I would love to ski nearly every day, but that does not fit my current life conditions, so I find a way to ski as often as possible without creating other problems in my life. Dressing is really no different.

There is no reason to feel guilty because you put on a dress, any more then a pair of ski pants. Both are just in pursuit of a fun and pleasent experience. If others have a problem with me in a dress, or going skiing, it is their problem, not mine.

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Posts: 56
(@patricia1970)
Estimable Member     San Ramon, California, United States of America
Joined: 2 months ago

I have purged so many times that I have lost count.  I agree with Rebecca that long term storage is the way to go.  When I moved in with my girlfriend (who is now my wife), I did just that.  I found a place in the garage, on the upper shelf, behind a bunch of other things that are stored there, where my wife would never look.  This would allow me to have a bit of girl time when my wife was out, so my recommendation is to find someplace close at hand, so when the urge does return, and you have the freedom to do so, you can have some Sasha time without having to go through the struggle of buying a whole new wardrobe.

As far as guilt and shame goes, well, shame is why us closeted crossdressers remain closeted.  It is out of the fear of getting caught and publicly humiliated, but the truth is, I have learned from my shopping excursions, that most people are not bothered by it (see my posts about shopping experiences, and early shopping experiences for details), so the humiliation is unjustified. Guilt?  We're not hurting anyone or causing harm to anyone by dressing in secret, correct?  Therefore, there is nothing to feel guilty about.  I think that applies to shame too.  We just do what we do in the privacy of our home, and it really doesn't affect anyone else. No reason to feel shame or guilt. 

For what it is worth, I can relate to your struggle.  I think what really helped me was accepting that no matter how much I try to "quit," I know and accept the urge will return.  My solution. I accept and embrace that I enjoy crossdressing.  I also accept that I will never actually quit. I keep it private, so it really doesn't affect anyone else.  If someone wants to invade my privacy, that is their bad, not mine.  

I hope this helps.

 

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Posts: 29
Duchess
Topic starter
(@hiddentruth)
Trusted Member     Taylor, Michigan, United States of America
Joined: 1 year ago

Hi Patricia, Thanks for your support and advice, seems clear I just need to accept dressing as part of who I am and not worry about what others think about what I do in my private time. Sasha

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1 Reply
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     California, United States of America
Posts: 2172

@hiddentruth Within reason, yes this is the best attitude. That said, you also have to think about ramificatiins of your choices. While it is nobody elses business what you wear, it can be an issue at times, say if you decide to wear a dress to work or a rough bar. I will depend your right to do either, but would advise caution in such situations. Just because you can do something does not mean you shoukd do it. Spouses are a big factor in this as well.

Still, there is nothing inherently wrong with dressing, so one should not feel guilt in doing it. If you enjoy it and do not hurt others then there is no reason to feel guilty, though most of us have at some point. The good news is that once you accept that, dressing becomes even more enjoyable as demonstrated by so many here. 

Have glass of wine, put on a dress, or what ever you prefer to wear, and enjoy a little me time. Life is too short to spend it trying to please others if it makes you miserable.

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Posts: 317
(@oliviac)
Prominent Member     Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Joined: 2 years ago

Hi Sasha

I'm another one here who has in the past been so happy in the pink fog of dressing followed by the guilt, shame and purging cycle. As the other girls here have said you aren't doing anything wrong. In fact you are just being who you really are. That is why the need to dress always returns. That seems so simple to say but to accept that you are just being who you are in your mind can be a different story. 

I can only talk of my experience but once I did finally accept that needing to dress was just a part of who I am it changed my world as I was no longer ashamed of myself. I was for the first time actually proud of myself. This gave me confidence and helped me in some things that have nothing whatsoever to do with dressing. 

I wish you luck Sasha with your current struggle. Please know there is lots of us here who have gone through something similar that you can reach out to and are more than happy to listen to you help where we can.

Olivia

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1 Reply
Duchess
(@hiddentruth)
Joined: 1 year ago

Trusted Member     Taylor, Michigan, United States of America
Posts: 29

@oliviac  Thanks Olivia, it seems everyone is giving similar advice. The desire to dress keeps coming back because dressing is part of who I am. The desire to dress only gets stronger the older I get and the more I indulge in it. To deny myself, only makes the obsession greater. As one of the comments stated dressing it is a form of self expression. Many choose to cover their body in tats, where as I  chose and enjoy dressing in women's clothes. Sasha

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Posts: 57
Lady
(@randialex)
Estimable Member     Shaftesbury, Dorset, United Kingdom
Joined: 4 months ago

I have purged and felt guilt many times over the years. I told my wife of my CD tendencies, she didn't like it but understood it and as long as she didn't see me dressed she accepted it. This did not help my guilt feelings but I accepted her wishes. She died 6 months ago and now I dress all the time at home and sometimes when going out, I would rather have my wife and be in the closet but it is what it is and the guilt has gone.

I think what I am trying to say is that we all live in different situations and what is good for me might not be good for you, but for me honestly is the best policy. To that end a few weeks ago I came out to my longest female friend who told me that I was disgusting, she has agreed to see me tomorrow to discuss our faltering relationship, I hope we can get back to where we were but I will not change my stance on CDing, I am trans and that is that and I love it!

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1 Reply
Duchess
(@hiddentruth)
Joined: 1 year ago

Trusted Member     Taylor, Michigan, United States of America
Posts: 29

@randialex Thanks, I have hinted and she brought up the subject of crossdressing, but by saying she did not understand why guys would do that, and that she preferred manly looking men. Believe that was her telling me to keep Sasha in private where she has always been. Sasha

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Posts: 21
(@lauragrainger)
Trusted Member     Southampton, Hampshire, United Kingdom
Joined: 10 months ago

I have purged so many times I’ve lost count. I have also just gone through a long period of not dressing there were days when it was almost unbearable not being able to satisfy the urge other times I would go weeks without even thinking about it. I have still been buying clothes as and when and stashing them away for when I get the chance (well you can’t turn down a bargain faux leather skirt from Next for £13 ) luckily this is the week I’m away on a training course for a few days I’ve packed more female clothes than male and sitting in my hotel room having a wonderful time but all good things will come to an end and I don’t ever see my dressing becoming the norm just have to pack it away until the next opportunity I really don’t want to purge again this sequin dress is just too fabulous but who knows the urge to purge can sometimes be as strong as the urge to dress xx

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1 Reply
Duchess
(@hiddentruth)
Joined: 1 year ago

Trusted Member     Taylor, Michigan, United States of America
Posts: 29

@lauragrainger  Hi Laura, Yes the urge to purge is strong as well and it comes with it's own great feeling. That of being proud of your self control, like losing weight or quitting smoking or something like that. But, it never lasts forever, eventually the urge comes back. Sasha

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Posts: 214
(@midwesterngirl)
    Monroe, Wisconsin, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Welcome back Sasha. I have struggled in the past but since then I have come to embraced the wonderful people here on CDH. Don't leave us...We need you as much as you need us.

Thanks for being you.

 

Huggs 

Bree

 

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Posts: 304
(@Anonymous 100087)
Reputable Member
Joined: 2 months ago

can't say i ever purged. i stopped buying like i use too. i like my clothes. they make me happy. i like showing them off. i can't imagine not showing them off. i love the complements and looks i get. if i purge it will probable to get rid of clothes that don't fit or i don't wear anymore. i think if you went out and people could see your clothes, it would make them and you happy. a few complements would give you the confidence you need and lessen the guilt. you need to think positive and people will respect that. if your happy they will be happy for you too. i can't imagine staying in the house dressed and never going out. i guess my confident level is super high. if you do something that makes you happy, you will live longer. don't let other people run your life. you only have one. make the best of it.    

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Posts: 1078
Managing Ambassador
(@melodeescarlet)
Famed Member     DC/Baltimore, Maryland, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

@hiddentruth Hi Sasha, I would suggest that while you're dipping your toe back in the pool - clothes, makeup, etc - that you really settle in with trying to accept it all. Given the purging pattern, it may seem easy to 'accept' it in the early stages because it's exciting or fun again, but what I think is needed is the mental prep for when the guilt and shame start to creep back in.

Have you worked with a therapist on the topic? Not in trying to figure out why you dress, but rather just to help determine why the shame always comes back. I think that once you get your arms around the answer to that, the battle to conquer it can truly begin.

Welcome back and best of luck! 🙂

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Posts: 471
Lady
(@krisburton)
Prominent Member     The Hub City, New Jersey, United States of America
Joined: 3 years ago

Altho I am not  psychologist by any stretch, I do think that the guilt/shame cycle that so many of us either have been or are still in the throes of comes from childhood. This is one way in which I think I was at an advantage as one who did not start  to CD until age 69. In doing so I have felt none of the guilt or shame that so many describe, and certainly not the desire to purge or cleanse myself of the urge. As an adult I do not question my motivations, gender or sexuality, especially in light of the fact that no one is harmed by what I do. Breaking THAT cycle seems at the core of how one must proceed  - and a professional might help you do that.

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1 Reply
Duchess
(@hiddentruth)
Joined: 1 year ago

Trusted Member     Taylor, Michigan, United States of America
Posts: 29

@krisburton Hi Kris, Thank you for your advice, getting profession advice is a good idea. Chatting with all you has really helped me think about things in a new light. Sasha

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