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I've been married for 44 years, and my wife knew before we were married that I cross dressed. She has been accepting to one degree or another but not supportive. Over the course of our marriage I have seen her attitude shift on a number of things but it hasn't really shifted on cross dressing. This was brought home to me when I recently invited her to attend an event where there would be a number of other wives present (I figured she could talk with them) and she adamantly said no because the whole idea of seeing men dressed as women was "wacko". I had hoped for a softening of her attitude after all these years----but it is "not to be"
@maureen76 I can see why you would be disappointed with that reply but we sometimes do have to take partners feelings into account in order to keep the relationship going. Mrs B has also declined to visit any outside social events & as she has been supportive in all other aspects of my dressing then that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. It is sometimes difficult to accept that others don't have the same enthusiasm as we do but sometimes you just have to see it from their point of view & go with the flow.
X
Sasha
@sashabennett Thanks Sasha----I understand what you are saying---and the viewpoint of my wife---I am happy for the level of acceptance she is willing to give me and don't argue with her about the difference----still I had hoped as we all do but will just be happy for what I have---Hugs Maureen
@sashabennett Hi Sasha my heart goes out to all married CDs it's gotta be hard deal hang in there I'll be praying for you
@jameie Hi Joananna, thank you. I must say that I don't believe I have it hard though, quite the opposite in fact. Other than not wanting to go to social events Mrs B has been nothing but supportive. I spend pretty much all day every day in full Sasha mode & she is perfectly fine with that, it's just the normal state of affairs these days. I think that she just doesn't fancy the idea of the social scene. I can see it from her point of view & given everything else I'm happy to go with her wishes here.
Sasha
@sashabennett hi Sasha looks like you very fortunate to a accepting mate Jamie ❤️❤️
@maureen76 You have acceptance that many others do not. Count the positives in that and respect her boundary.
Hugs,
Anna x
@annaredhead Thanks Anna, I am trying to remind myself of that everyday---that I am lucky for what I do have---since I know how many other girls do not even have the level of acceptance my wife gives me. It is a life lesson in so many ways that can be applied to every aspect of life-- Be grateful for what you have even if you don't have all you might want---Hugs Maureen
@maureen76 Yeah, I know what you mean.
A few days ago, I invited my wife to join a monthly CD group dinner which I would like to attend again. In short, she adamantly refused, too.
@harriette Harriette ----it sounds like we had a similar experience with our SO's--- I guess it is not so uncommon ---Hugs Maureen
@maureen76 Yeah, this is just one of those situations where you have to be grateful she is accepting and leave it at that. In cards, a push isn’t necessarily a win, but you don’t lose anything either.
I know that you are grateful tho and I completely understand the hope that she will open up to it and want to be more engaging. I always hoped my first wife and I could have reached some kind of compromise on it because I loved her very much but it just didn’t work out that way.
People are funny though, and right when you think you know them (women in particular) They will surprise the hell out of you lol.
❤️ S.
@ria I am in the same situation. I told my wife years ago while we were single, she said she had an idea I was into wearing women’s clothes and she was accepting. Over time she became very supportive. Then, one day a few years ago I asked for her advice choosing a wig and she exploded. I now live in a DADT environment.
@chanel Do you have any idea what might have changed her attitude from very supportive to not at all?
@maureen76 I really don’t know. I don’t feel like I was pushing too hard….but I respect her decision.
@chanel yes, it is difficult to know the limits of what you can ask for-- you don't want not to try for more, but you also don't want to push to hard---best wishes---Hugs Maureen
@maureen76 Thank you so much Maureen, it is still confusing to this day. I can’t help but think, “what did I do”?”…”what just happened?”…I am a human being…we haven’t spoken a word about it since…I am so disappointed- I have had no choice but to live with it.
@chanel it's always hard to work things out when your SO makes it clear they don't want to talk about it----so sorry
@maureen76 yes, I can understand her hardline regarding this. One must remember, she never signed on to share her life with a man and a woman. Unless she is bi and open, you can understand her position.
@jillleanne Hi Jill, My wife knew before she married me and we have been married for 40 plus years --- so she did "partially" sign on----regardless, I do understand her feelings even though a little disappointed
@maureen76 I have been married for 47 years and Jackie was formally introduced to my wife about 20 years ago. The first few years were rough trying to explain my desire which she could not understand. Women seldom have fetishes, so they seldom understand them. I know I will get lambasted for calling it a fetish, but that is what I believe it to be for most of us. I refer to myself as a 'functional transvestite' mainly because Jackie is a part of my life and does not consume it.
Like your wife, my wife has no desire to watch a bunch of men in dresses. We have gone to drag shows and drag friendly events, but my wife does not feel comfortable around multiple 'men in dresses'. For whatever reason, she has become comfortable around me, and I am more than happy to accept that. I am the one who introduced something new to our relationship, so the burden is on me to make it work. We always discuss where and when we can go openly, and I always oblige her. We have a great marriage, and we are closer than we have ever been in our entire marriage. I think part of that is due to her knowing me better than anyone else in the world.
Even though she has known about your crossdressing before your marriage, she may fear that you are getting deeper and deeper. My wife fully understands that I have no desire to go any further than just 'being' Jackie now and then.
@missjackie Good points Jackie about her perhaps not wanting to be around multiple men in dresses and also about her fear of me getting in deeper---I had not thought of the second point---I should re-assure her and also remind her I did it several times years ago and didn't get in deeper since then---Thanks Jackie--Hugs Maureen
@maureen76 Reading thru the post I got a bit nervous as My wife is supportive but I dont bring it up much. for those that their SO did a 180 have you brought it up over the years and suddenly one day her view changed or was it regular conversation? I dont bring it up often deliberately so as not to burn her out as I want to discuss it all the time. Im thinking after reading this I should keep it in a semi regular conversation. Thank You RC
@river Yes probably a good idea River---I think sometimes when we don't talk about it for awhile perhaps the wife thinks and hopes it is a phase and we are over it---so then they are "disappointed" when it is clear it was not a phase====so a continuing conversation sounds right
@maureen76 I am so sorry to hear that your wife reacted in that manner. I’ve been occasionally coming on here and reading the posts and comments of the CD on here. I must say, it makes me feel really good about myself knowing that I am so open minded and accepting of others, on the other hand it makes me sad to see how some wives/significant others have such a lack of what to me is simply maturity. My heterosexual significant other is a CD on here and I 150% support it! Do things sometimes make me uncomfortable, of course they do, but we talk it out and actively listen to one another. Do we always agree, well of course not, but at the end of the day all that matters to me is that I know he loves me, and is happy and healthy.
Maybe I am this way because of the difficult childhood I had, who knows. What I do know is I will always support his CD no matter what life throws at us. After all, it’s what’s inside that makes the person who we care for and love. Not their job, title or what they wear or even how they look. Well…maybe some “looks” help 😆
chin up girlie! 💕
@angelicamonarch Thanks for you kind words and encouragement Angelica, I appreciate it. I understand that all wives have different levels of acceptance and or support and would never push her beyond her level. While being understanding, I was also hopeful that 44 years of marriage would help her see some of the things you mentioned and be more supportive. I was really thinking that this event being 60 miles away and with other wives attending ---she wouldn't have to worry about being recognized and most importantly have a chance to talk to other SO's. Well, I'll keep my girlie chin up as you say. Who knows what tomorrow brings---TY
Yep, this has become my wife too. For a while, it seemed like she was becoming more accepting, but now it seems she's doubled down on her opposition. I told my son about my dressing, now that he's starting at the University where I teach (and used to dress up regularly) and thought he should know from me, rather than hearing about it from someone else. When I told my wife I had told him, she got really angry and said that her biggest fear is him seeing me dressed up. She said it's so disturbing and she doesn't want him to experience that trauma.
For his part, he thought it was really cool and told me about his diverse group of friends and how in high school drama they would go down to the costume storage and try on all sorts of outfits. I can't tell my wife that, because it's his business to share, and because she would just use it as another example of how I've damaged my son (most likely).
So basically, I'm such a disturbing wacko that my wife forbids me from dressing up at work anymore because I might traumatize my son who has a diverse and accepting group of friends who has played around and experimented with clothes for fun.
oh well.
@raven188 Hi Sarah, Thanks for your response and the story of your situation. It seems that our SO's are similar in their long term response but also that their situations are different. You are much more out to other people (at work and told son) than I am---It is always a delicate situation in dealing with the feelings and reservations our wives might have. Many will accept up to some level or some point and then reject after that. Sometimes it seems there is nothing we can do to change their minds when that point has been reached. With my wife, I just thought that the decades she has seen me dressed almost, and seen that it is harmless, would have made her more accepting. I hope your situation improves ---Best Wishes, Hugs Maureen
@maureen76 Thanks for your friendship and support. I keep hoping it will get better, but over the last few months her support has gotten worse. We've talked about it at least in better ways than in the past. I kind of feel like, despite whatever friction this causes in our relationship right now, it's actually kind of making some things better.
For my part, I get she doesn't like my dressing up, but I kind of feel like the real issue is somewhere else but crossdressing is the thing she's focused on. Not sure. We'll see how it goes.
@raven188 Yes, I think you are right in that sometimes other issues in our marriages become intertwined with cross dressing and it is hard to separate them---especially if our SO can't fully articulate what these other issues might be---I know this from my talks with my own wife---it is good that you both are working on it and who knows, you might be able to get to the heart of the matter---Hugs Maureen
@raven188 perhaps one day she and your son will discuss it. Once she sees he is ok with it, perhaps her feelings will subside. It is possible that she already knows this and using this to express her own feelings. Just maybe !
@raven188 That really sucks Sarah just my opinion here, I think that’s pretty damn unfair.
But that’s also a big reason I’m not married anymore lol. I completely understand you need to do what you need to do to keep the peace at home. Nothing is ever completely cut and dry, except the actual act of making decisions. That’s simple. Everything else surrounding it is what’s hard.
I probably would have grown quite defensive over her refusal to allow me to continue dressing at work if I had been doing so for a long period of time. I can imagine (in my case) that wouldn’t have ended well lol. Not at all
But again, there’s a reason for two failed marriages in my life lol. My feelings have become quite hardened on the matter. I’m definitely not trying to give you any bad advice here😁
Sometimes I think parents go to extreme lengths to “protect” their kids, but they fail to realize that their Children who are now young adults are perfectly capable of making their own decisions.
I feel for you. Hopefully you may be able to reach some kind of compromise with her on that. I understand the difficulty completely though.❤️
@juststevie yeah, it seems unfair to me too, but it is what it is. I don't want to make my wife out to be some kind of villain. I can understand many if her feelings and why she has them, I just dont know how to resolve the conflict.
@raven188 I’m sorry, Sarah. it’s a delicate situation and time is probably the only thing that will ultimately iron it out.
I would hope your wife realizes that your son is now a young adult and he can make his own decisions. Being the positive interchange you had with him telling him about your cross dressing, maybe it’s something you both could discuss with her in an appropriate way. At least in a way that doesn’t make it seem or feel like your “ganging up” on her.
I don’t know your wife, but I would think it wouldn’t hurt to try to reason with her from this standpoint with your sons support.
It’s just a thought anyways. It would be sad to see you deprived of something that brings you great joy and I am quite sure doing that definitely did. ❤️❤️❤️
Take care☺️
@raven188 Yes in marriage there are always serious disagreements between the partners for a number of reasons and over many issues...this causes many marriages to fail---in the ones that stay together both partners have found a way to compromise so that they both get some of what they want and agree to dis-agree on the rest---it is a delicate balance and sometimes hard to do ---Hugs Maureen
@maureen76 I think one thing that is very important when couples have sharp disagreements on things is that it gets dealt with one way or another.
If the compromise is entirely one-sided or both parties are at a complete impasse, the only thing this is going to do is create resentment. Then, over time that resentment can turn into a deep dislike, or maybe even hatred for your partner.
Life is so damn short. We have so little time and the last thing we want to do is being a constant state of turmoil with the person we live with and sleep with.
sometimes they’re just aren’t any easy Outcomes. The answers and decisions always are, but we still will wake up tomorrow morning in our own skin and have to live with them.
Maureen -
Sorry to hear this, sometimes we don't get what we hope for but need to enjoy what we do have. As one whose wife is accepting to a point I understand. I would love to go out dressed but that isn't going to happen, so do what I can.
XOXO
Suzanne
@cdsue Thanks Suzzane--- That is the attitude I try to cultivate in spite of disappointment---Hugs Maureen
Sorry to hear this, sometimes we don't get what we hope for but need to enjoy what we do have. As one whose wife is accepting to a point I understand. I would love to go out dressed but that isn't going to happen, so do what I can.
This.
I quickly learned, backed up by many stories from CDH, that if I am going to crossdress with any frequency that I had to do it subtly. As I say, more androgynously. Yes, it is a compromise, but I get to do it nearly every day, nearly everywhere.
Enjoy what you can do.
I think that I still dress better and look better than I did in my old drab life, especially in the last 5 years. But who's asking? 😁
Unfortunately many people are set in their ways, often learned at a young age and are not very adaptable. This is a good oart of why the younger generation is accepting of such things as gay marriage, trans and CD. They have grown up with it in the news and have been exposed to iy in various ways and know that these are jusy people who happen to be only very slightly different than themselves, most mostly exactly like themselves. Those of precious generations were not exposed to such situations other than to be told how abnormal or abhorent thes people are. We are, mostly, creatures of our envirnoment and change is hard.
I mean this in a cultrual sense and not a politcal one, but that is the very defination of liberal verses conservative. One embraces change and new ideas while the other clings to what has been with the hope it will always be. Both have advantages and disadvantages. I do not blame people for stickung to what they have always known, but I do wish people would at least consider other options. But, I have always believed in education and looking at lofe with an open mind.
@jjandme Well said JJ---and good application to the broader "outside" world in general --- and those are the classical definitions of liberal and conservative going back hundreds of years---I like how you say both views have their plusses and minuses --Hugs Maureen
I am so grateful for cdh and all the girls here. If just to read what everyone is going through and knowing that it is ok in whatever the situation is. None of us are alone here and that makes my day better. I look forward to seeing what’s ’new’ as often as I can.
@staciebobacie Exactly Stacie----it is great to be in a place where we all have similar joys, problems, and issues---a giant sisterhood
