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Well I thought I would share some thoughts and feelings with the community here. I have been a long time Crossdresser and told my wife before we got married. She did not support it and had me purge. Well the feelings came back (yea not surprised) and I have built up a good size inventory. Just last year I went out fully dressed and in makeup in another city while on a business trip. I felt great. Not a lot of interaction because it was my first time trying makeup. Anyhow, I have now added wigs and jewelry to my collection, along with breast forms. The feeling to dress is strong but no opportunity with my wife and me working from home. I have been debating telling her again but I don’t think she would support it. I’m afraid of getting caught and scared to tell her. In the closet for now and anxious. Maybe some counseling? Ugh. - Traci
@traci429 We are in same boat, I finally had a day last week to dress and it was exhilarating. I have a few days next week and I can’t wait. It’s all I think about. It consumes me. I bought a new dress and heels and that’s all I think about. What hosiery will I pair with the outfit, which wig will look best. All these thoughts give me a huge high.
I wish you courage if you do decide. I am close to just coming out myself. It feels right. I dunno, it is a tough spot to be in and the thought of being looked at as strange or mentally ill deters me. I’m pretty certain that’s how my family will look at my situation. No wife but two adult children and a mother who’s in her 80’s and lots of extended family.
@traci429 Your story seems to be very common on CDH Traci. I’m sorry to hear about your wife’s reaction. Counselling is a good option, if you can find a therapist who is knowledgeable and understanding about CD. As a former therapist I have my doubts that many of them are as well informed about it as our sisters in this site. Many have provided great suggestions from their own experience. Hiding you natural instincts will only make you depressed and unhappy. I have a few ideas that might help you…
Educate yourself. Starting this discussion helps take some of the weight off your shoulders knowing that this is a familiar problem here. There are some good films that normalize CD that may offer comfort. If you can get your wife to watch them it may help her see that it isn’t a shameful debauched fetish.
Secondly, research I’ve been doing shows there is very likely a genetic or developmental reason why we are the way we are. An estimated 12% of pregnancies begin as twins. Before the first trimester one of the twins is deemed to be less viable than the other so it gets reabsorbed into the womb and the twin becomes part of the surviving twin. It’s called chimerism and considered to be very rare but my suspicion is that many of us are a male twin with our female twin that didn’t survive integrated into our makeup. This would explain our male/female natures and it’s a totally natural phenomena and helps explain why we are the way we are. I don’t know if this helps but it may give you some comfort knowing that this is beyond your control and is the way you were born. If your SO is more approachable with a rational, scientific understanding she might be more accepting.
In my experience CDs display many feminine characteristics such as being more empathic, gentle, and nurturing. If your SO sees and appreciates these characteristics in you then she is accepting these parts of your femininity without seeing all of you. My male side was doing this while denying Lea’s desire to express other parts of her femininity, kind of like enjoying a piece of cake but not wanting the calories.
Lea ❤️
@leainvancouver Lea, is there a test we can take to find out if we had a twin that didn’t survive? Would there be any evidence that we could show others to say, “See? This is why I’m a cross dresser.” And I love all that you said. Thank you!
Hugs, Jill
@jillannquinn There is no easy test I know of to know for sure you may have vanishing twin syndrome. One of the symptoms is feeling of like you have two personalities. This is a link to a support group: https://www.bacp.co.uk/news/news-from-bacp/blogs/2022/26-april-womb-twin-survivors/#:~:text=Womb%20twin%20loss%20for%20the,two%20sides%20to%20their%20personality.
The syndrome appears to be much more common than thought. Google vanishing twin syndrome to see if it might help give you clarity and fits for you.
Lea
@leainvancouver thank you for the link to the article, it was very interesting. I’ll have to do some more in-depth research to hopefully find answers to questions that I have. But this was a great start. Thank you.
Traci, if you not just love your wife, but consider her your soulmate and ultimate connection then the descision is easy. Traci goes away.
@dovemtn2016 I respect the decisions and actions of all , there's no right answer to fit all but dismissing Traci is the last option and will lead to great unhappiness . We cannot change who we are bit whilst we can't force that on anyone we can compromise .
@kayt
i guess Kay I was talking to myself. My beloved Susan and I are living apart for many reasons, CDing is one. There are legal proceedings going on, we are just living apart.
I would like us to reunite, but...who knows.
Kay, I have discovered so much about myself in the past two years. Being a woman is beyond anything I've ever experienced. More? It really depends on what happens with Susan. Without her I'm unconnected.
I guess I'm answering in a public format. That's okay.
Love to all,
Christine
There are NO legal proceedings between Susan and I.
Sorry for missing a word.
@dovemtn2016 I fully understand where you're coming from . Pm if you want to chat more , trust me I've been there most scenarios from jealously viewing female colleagues attire at work through to the anxiety of my private life xx
@traci429 your account makes me so sad . I was in exactly the same position although my wife didn't know.
Even though I am now totally out and supported I don't have an answer for you but one piece of advice I would give is that if you come clean and she gives you a chance your life will be so much better . Not just because you can wear leggings instead of jeans but because it's almost as if a cloud has lifted .
That cloud of deciet , hiding , worrying , stress and not being yourself is horrible but unfortunately you need to read the room big time and make the decision of clearing that cloud is worth the risk of her walking away .
Whatever you choose good luck and all the very best to you xx
@kayt I am planning on telling her after the new year. We are going to have a nice New Year’s Eve and I want to let her know how much I love and care for her. Then I will come clean because this is giving me anxiety and I have never experienced anxiety. More to follow after the new year. - Traci
@traci429 good luck and all the very best to you both. There's no doubt it could be a rocky path but in my humble opinion a necessary one for you both that I personally dodged wrongly for many years. Pm if you want to chat xx
So, so difficult Traci, and an all too familiar story and situation.
I can offer no easy answers or suggestions as I have struggled for decades with my wife
about all of this.
Please accept my best wishes and empathy, hope you (and your wife) find a positive path forward...
Traci, Welcome to CDH. I hope you can work things out with your wife, it can be tremendously rewarding if she is accepting…approach the subject slowly and always with open ears and lots and lots of empathy and honesty to all and every question she may have.
good luck and hugs Christine
You know your SO better than anyone else. I would offer the following: do not let it be a surprise. Choose the time and place , so that you have some control of the conversation. Answer her questions truthfully and with tact. Be prepared for the worst , but be optimistic going in. Counseling can help. Hugs. Lorraine
Ladies, it is the hardest, most difficult and most stressful thing we can do. For years I hid myself away. As time moved on I became more and more depressed and moody. Lisa needed more time to be herself. But like many I could only be me when I was alone. At the beginning of the last new year (2023), I had decided it was time to reveal myself to my wife of 43 years.
First off I was afraid she would find out about the hard way. Finding a stash of women’s clothes hidden away, or secondly, me just being stupid and leaving something out. I wasn’t sure what here reaction would be if I just told her. We live near her sisters and didn’t I want to chance her being upset and telling them and the rest of the family. What would happen if she just plan kicked me out of the house! Would she want a divorce! I know we all worry about these things. But the stress on me was becoming to great. It was like a huge pressing weight on me.
Then this past September I did it.
Sometimes when we play around I would wear panties, I had a few sexy ones. This time I said “maybe I should wear a bra too” she asked “which one of mine do want you want?” She asked the right question. I told her that was okay, “I have my own.” That opened the flood gates, we talked and talked for hours on end till the wee hours of the morning, as it turns out she is fine with Lisa being around 24/7 while in the house. We both know going in public wouldn’t happen for a while. The big plus is we live out in the country so no surprise visitors as well. Unbelievably she spent a couple of hundred on my new wardrobe and make up. We have girl nights and girl talk all the time now. She doesn’t mind me dressing up or down for the day. We did each others nails this morning in preparation for Lisa and hers New Years Eve celebration together.
She noticed immediately I am no longer depressed and a much happier person.
One thing I made sure of is to make sure she knows I have no gay feelings or interest, that I have no plans to transition other than to be myself. I needed to take any and all worries from her, and make sure she knows that I love her. No more secrets, I told her, showed her everything, even CDH. She was happy to see we help and support each other.
When we go shopping now it’s like two girl friends shopping together and I make sure she gets new clothing as well. I have spent as much on her new wardrobe as well. She needed it. Being a retired teacher, she needed to retire all her teaching outfits as well. It’s has allowed her to become a new woman as well.
This is a partnership. She said she likes the new me, both of me, male and female. As she puts it “I have a best friend, a girl friend and a husband all wrapped up as one. I am so happy to have you all.”
Now I’m not saying this will work for all. But you never know how your SO might react to you revealing your true self to them.
Remember coming out in the open will change your life, it will change her life and how she sees you and your relationships.
I rolled the dice and won and hit the jackpot at the same time. Yes, I was very lucky. I wish and hope the same for all.
Hello ladies.
I'm new here. Nice to meet you all..
Apparently I have the same situation with Traci.
Have been rarely Xdressing quite years before married to her, after married I do Xdressing more often with my wife clothing and makeup. I was planning on telling her, little by little I set up plans and clues for her. Starting helping her with makeup, putting some powder/concealer on my face, trying makeup/dress/hosiery for jokes, than saying why feminine things gets me aroused, she let me use his undies and pads while we're having night time (s*x). I tell her how it was pleasure for me, than he let me go to work wearing her set of bra, panties and stockings.
Nice step by step, until I tell her that I want to try fully feminine look she help me with makeup, then I get dressed with her hijab. Here everything start to change, she's shocked on how well it goes (my self with fully feminine look). At this point in open everything she didn't know about me and my crossdressing. We talk much about it and I assure her that she'll not gonna lose me as husband as a man. But she didn't believe it. She is pretty sure that crossdressing leads to transsexual, she don't wanna see me as Laraz again but still allows me to do it behind her as far as she didn't know. Conversation stop.
Until my birthday and she give me a chance to do my profile picture with her help on makeup. But that's the last time I crossdress in front of her.
Few months later I got caught dressing and buying heels, she didn't like it and make me promise not to do it again for the sake of our marriage, her reason is the same, she love me as a masculine man not a feminine ones, although she know she'll never lost me but she's very sure if I keep doing this, soon she'll lost a masculine husband, and that she need a masculine man, not a feminine friend. So sad. But what can I say. We love each other so much and don't wanna lose each other, even though it frustrating me so much I'm trying not to think/make my self stress. I've made my decision to dress without her knowing.
Now I'm in different country with her (long time LDR because of work) and I started to dress again behind her and sign CDH. I need her and also need time for crossdressing. If she caught me again let be we'll figure it out when she caught me again.
Tbh if I can choose to leave everything behind and transitioning, I would take it. But sadly I don't have choice or chance for that. Transition is more expensive than I could afford, and I couldn't handle all the pressure. So I think crossdressing is better for me this time.
That's my story Traci, I really hope you find a way out from this situation. My suggestion is don't think it so hard it'll stress you. Just do what you want to do. I mean with condition like we had, we already know the worst scenario right, yet we still do crossdressing.
Thank you everyone.
Happy New Year 2024.
Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I do feel I need to be honest with her and think we will be talking after the new year. I don’t want to set her off before the new year.
more to follow in the new year.
Traci
This is a common topic and if you do some searching on the site you will find tons of articles on it. Take your time…read as many as you can but in the end everyone is different. You will not find a play book that you can duplicate. What it can help you with is having an idea on how your wife may respond as many of us post on how our wives react. Being prepared for that helps so much. You need to give her time to process it …remember we’ve know our whole lives and we still struggle. She needs to know she is still the priority.That doesn’t meant your girl side can’t be a close second. Communicate…ask her how she is feeling…talk it out. Be patient !
I just told my wife a bit more than 2 years ago. Where we are today is light years from when we started. We are working it out. Her motto right now is that she’s not deciding she can’t accept anything until she tries it but then has the total right to say no. Why say no before you know if you can maybe accept it. She’s the best and I’m very lucky. In the end I may want to further than she can handle but why decide teh future. We’re taking it day by day!
Best wishes to you and your wife on your journey. I’m always here to chat !
carole ❤️
Thank you Carol for the words of encouragement. Traci
Traci, I hesitate to get too specific as to giving you advice in my response as I don't know your age and your wife's age. I also don't know how long you've been married or whether or not you have children. In general, I would suggest you confront your desire to CD head on with your wife. While your wife may not like it one bit that you CD, a common observation is that the wife/SO was more upset about the deception than about the actual cross dressing. Only you know your wife. Plan how you would like to present the issue to her and then choose the time and place.
I didn't begin cross dressing until I was 74 and we had been married 36 years. We lived far (950 miles) away from family and were heading back to visit them for Thanksgiving. I had been underdressing for 5 months at the time. We were at a motel for the night and were getting ready for bed. I simply told my wife I had something I'd like to discuss with her before we went to bed for the night. When I told her I had discovered I really enjoyed wearing women's panties, she actually asked why I felt it necessary to tell her. I told her I didn't believe we should keep secrets from one another and I also didn't think ever had in the past. When she asked why I found wearing panties to be enjoyable I told her the absolute truth - I had no idea, I just did. She then asked the 2 most common questions a wife/SO can ask - was I gay and did I want to transition. I told her absolutely not to both questions.
In the 3 years since I told her, we have settled into a comfortable routine. I will change into stockings, dress, bra, forms, and jewelry (I have some dainty bracelets I adore) any time between 5 pm and 11 pm. I didn't include panties as I wear them 24/7 and have long ago purged all my male underwear. My wife generally goes to bed between 10:30 pm and 11 pm. When I kiss her goodnight, I head to my "dressing room" - the guest bedroom and guest bathroom. I put my wig, earrings, and lipstick on. Last night I also added complete makeup and fake nails as well. OH yeah, I also have my toenails sporting nail polish 24/7. I generally change back to drab mode after I've been up for about 2 hours in the morning.
My wife is NOT a fan of my cross dressing; but, she does accept that it's a part of me. We have agreed to a very simple boundary. I will not allow any family or friends to know I CD. When we visit them, I still underdress with panties. If I will be wearing long slacks, I'll also be wearing thigh highs. At night I wear a bra, forms, and a nightie to bed even though we stay at her brother's home. Incidentally, tonight will mark the end of the 2nd year (730 consecutive nights) that I have worn panties, stockings, bra, and forms to bed. I have been out in public fully en femme maybe 10 times since July of 2022. Those times have been all out of town where the odds of running into anyone we know is less than me winning the Powerball lottery.
The entire point of this post is to let you know that even though your wife, like my wife, may not like that you CD, it is possible to reach common ground. Good luck with whatever path you choose to take.
Heather, thank you for the nice note. I am 60 now and have been dressing for about 20 years and tried on items when I was a teenager. I told my wife before we got married and she did not accept it and had me purge everything. Since we have been married I did wear silky underwear to bed and she knew it. She was ok with it. She knew I liked how they felt (I still love the feeling of women’s clothing and stockings). Anyhow, I do plan on telling her after the new year because I do feel I am keeping a secret and the anxiety it gives me is not good. We will see if she accepts it and I will update everyone after the new year (Jan 2nd or 3rd). I’m glad to hear the stories of others who have told their SO and the results, good and bad. Out with 2023 and new adventures await in 2024. - Traci
Hi Traci
I was in your position up until around 10 years ago when I told my partner of nearly 20 years. Now after the fact there were two factors that were the most important for my wife that helped her come to terms with it all. Firstly that I was going to keep being her husband and it is important that she knows you will keep being the man she fell in love with. Secondly that you are still you. Even though you are dressed as a woman you are still the same person. My wife really worried I was a bit like Jeykll and Hyde but once she realised I was still me just looking different that put her mind at ease.
If you have any notion as to something that may have contributed to your desire to dress that is worth telling her also as it will help her understand it isn't something you are just choosing to do but something from deep within you have to do.
I wish you all the best Traci at this really difficult time.
Traci,
I understand from where you are coming. Telling my wife was one of the scariest things that I have done. However, not telling my wife was not an option. Just keeping it a secret from her for 5 months after I made the decision to embrace and explore my feelings (after 20 years in the deepest closest) stressed me out to the nth degree. Thankfully, my wife blessed me with her love, understanding, and acceptance when I was finally able to tell her. I wish you the best.
MacKenzie Alexandra
. I hope she understands your the person she loves because of your feminine side it makes us who we are and who they fell in love with. all the things we do together like Broadway and watching shows like faceoff and AGT the voice etc. that most wives watch alone are all reasons why she loves me and that all comes from my feminine side. I had used alot of that in my conversation with her. also the fact that she did not wear the sexy things I need and I dont cheat and never will like many.men do when something is missing from a relationship I just compensated in my own way This was a good argument and worked well for me but again everyone is different. I wish you all the best.. RC
I did tell my wife on January 1st and it went a lot better than I thought it would have. She is digesting it and we are navigating the road to changes. I posted another thread on this also. -Traci
