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I didn't come out to my wife fully that I was a CD until years of being married. I gave her hints for years. I even got dressed a few times while she was home hoping she would walk in on me and we could talk. Finally, one day, she did walk in on me. And several times after. We've talked several times, she's not into this. We're at DADT. It's happiness for now, been that way for many years.
I thought I'd share some things I learned.
1) Wear your own things
The first time she "caught" me, her first reaction was "Are those my clothes?". Followed by "Don't wear my stuff!" From her. Guess how I legally read that (lol). You guessed it, as encouragement...I bought and continued buying my own stuff.
2) Look good, look appropriate
I still remember that first outfit she "caught" me in. Dance club attire look, mini skirt, stilettos, a but raunchy for someone in their 30s.
She asked me "Do you like women who dress that way?" She was still confused about my CD side, and so was I.
I wish I had worn something a bit more casual, a bit more androgynous, a bit more my "everyday" style.
3) Don't look too good
Look stylish, but not better than her. Women are threatened by better looking women, especially when their husband is involved. It's better to ask her if she's interested in seeing you dressed to the nines instead of surprising her that you're so good at this that you look better than her (or so we think we look).
And honestly, most of us spend way more time in all this girly stuff than our wives. It's a new world for us, exciting, interesting, and we obsess about looking and acting feminine. Our wives have been doing this for decades, they're tired of needing to dress like women, they might be a bit more casual and relaxed. It's easy to top that.
4) Plan your mannerisms
If you act too feminine, she may think you're closer to transgender than you might really be. Its bad enough that most wives misunderstand CDs and think there's always a gay aspect (yet many of us are straight).
5) Don't look guilty
I still struggle with this part whenever I get "caught", even in a small scale like just looking at my heels collection. I know she's not into this, so while it's DADT, it feels like getting " caught" when she sees something.
I used to panic, look nervous, sound nervous, then try to cover up whatever I was doing. That just made things more awkward, me more defensive and me looking like a liar.
Now, I take a quick deep breath, and try to carry on while subtly retreating. All with poise and grace. Like this is normal, like I'm normal, like we're normal.
6) Good luck!
Good luck and hope these tips help if you're ever "caught" or planning to get "caught" intentionally in "the game, ....., of life" (a tiny snippet from the song "Silent Lucidity").
I am a firm believer that it is best to admit it upfront and deal with the issue while you are in control rather then when trying to deal with the shock and fear a spouse has upon catching you...even if intentional.
Before I married my wife I informed her that I had gender dysphoria but was not interested in transitioning. If she wasn't accepting I would of moved on but as it turned out I can dress whenever I want and I underdress every day. Been married over thirty years.
Allison
XX
before I married my current wife, I fully told her of my CD. So if it was something she could not handle or accept, she could walk away. She stayed. Forward 12 years, my dressing has changed a lot as I have a FULL wardrobe and fully dress. If you would have asked me back than I would be dressing like I am now, I would have said no. But that is how if evolved. She is now challenged by it more and more. She knows I have zero plan to transition, but wants her "man" and struggles with seeing me dressed up or in lingerie and makeup.
So I have regressed a bit to not dress around her or wear lingerie to bed, but only do that when she is gone. Sad but that's what it is. Granted life is short...but do not feel like leaving her over my dressing...at this point in time .
I remember well the day I was uncovered.
She had been acting different for a few days always with the "nothing" response to "is something bothering you?". Then finally she said "Who is she?". Now I'm confused and said "she who?", only to get "Who is she?" again. This went about 4 rounds till she said the one in the photo. What photo? The one in your wallet. DING DING DING - Light goes on. She needed some money and found a photo I took during a dressing session and that came out very well. Better in fact than I thought apparently.
I retrieved the photo and showed her. She said yes, that photo. So I said, "That's me". "Don't give me that, who is she" and off we went again. Finally I said wait here and I went to get my stash.
I opened the box and said, Chocolate brown cowl neck dress, wig, brown ankle strap heels, bra, forms, panties, garter belt and coffee stockings as I pulled each item and placed it on the couch. That's the outfit right?
She was quiet. I just said "I'm a crossdresser. Those are my clothes and when I'm alone I dress."
Then the conversation began with all the usual questions, Are you gay? Do you want to be a woman? Do you want to date men? Aren't I enough woman for you? and all the others we've all heard.
Well, we talked and talked and I went back in the closet with the proverbial promise, Never Again. And here I am.
Some 25 years after that event I went to her and said, we have a problem. I told her I never stopped, I don't want to stop and most likely never will stop. We talked, I dressed fully for her, we joined a support group and over time she became fully accepting, understanding and supportive. I'm one of the lucky ones. Very lucky.
Seriously, of the many problems relationships may face, dressing is really a pretty small thing once people stop and really think about it, and come to understand it.
While my dressing was fairly minimal when we got married, I told her before we wed that I liked wearing panties, and at the time that was all I wore, but it progressed from there. I always let her know what I was doing and now dress fully in front of her, but I mostly prefer to dress fully when alone, though I do still particularly like to wear lingerie when I am with her. Her response has always been two things, "they are just close", and "it does nothing for me, but if you enjoy it go ahead."
Married forty years now, and while she wouldn't care if I never dressed again, she is fine with me doing what I please as long as I keep it reasonably quiet and private.