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Getting caught? Do it in style, looking your best!

28 Posts
10 Users
75 Reactions
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Posts: 1103
 Lea
Lady
Topic starter
(@lea-jhene)
Noble Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 9 years ago

I didn't come out to my wife fully that I was a CD until years of being married.  I gave her hints for years. I even got dressed a few times while she was home hoping she would walk in on me and we could talk. Finally, one day, she did walk in on me. And several times after. We've talked several times, she's not into this. We're at DADT. It's happiness for now, been that way for many years.

I thought I'd share some things I learned.

1) Wear your own things

The first time she "caught" me, her first reaction was "Are those my clothes?". Followed by "Don't wear my stuff!" From her. Guess how I legally read that (lol). You guessed it, as encouragement...I bought and continued buying my own stuff.

2) Look good, look appropriate

I still remember that first outfit she "caught" me in. Dance club attire look, mini skirt, stilettos, a but raunchy for someone in their 30s.

She asked me "Do you like women who dress that way?" She was still confused about my CD side, and so was I.

I wish I had worn something a bit more casual, a bit more androgynous, a bit more my "everyday" style.

3) Don't look too good

Look stylish, but not better than her. Women are threatened by better looking women, especially when their husband is involved. It's better to ask her if she's interested in seeing you dressed to the nines instead of surprising her that you're so good at this that you look better than her (or so we think we look).

And honestly, most of us spend way more time in all this girly stuff than our wives. It's a new world for us, exciting, interesting, and we obsess about looking and acting feminine. Our wives have been doing this for decades, they're tired of needing to dress like women, they might be a bit more casual and relaxed. It's easy to top that.

4) Plan your mannerisms

If you act too feminine, she may think you're closer to transgender than you might really be. Its bad enough that most wives misunderstand CDs and think there's always a gay aspect (yet many of us are straight).

5) Don't look guilty

I still struggle with this part whenever I get "caught", even in a small scale like just looking at my heels collection. I know she's not into this, so while it's DADT, it feels like getting " caught" when she sees something.

I used to panic, look nervous, sound nervous, then try to cover up whatever I was doing. That just made things more awkward, me more defensive and me looking like a liar.

Now, I take a quick deep breath, and try to carry on while subtly retreating. All with poise and grace. Like this is normal, like I'm normal, like we're normal.

6) Good luck!

Good luck and hope these tips help if you're ever "caught" or planning to get "caught" intentionally in "the game, ....., of life" (a tiny snippet from the song "Silent Lucidity").

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27 Replies
14 Replies
Duchess
(@loneleycd)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     Roland, Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 2157

@lea-jhene I have been divorced for about 12 years now--nothing to do with my CD. For financial reasons we still live in the same house, her upstairs and me in the basement. I really got back into CD about 6 years ago. She caught me about 6 months later, I was wearing a bra she had thrown away and the shirt I was wearing was unbuttoned so she could see it.  I thought for a minute to think how I could deny everything, then just admitted everything. 

Of course the sh*t hit the FAN. BUT in few months I was dressing full time in the house. About a year after getting found out I got my hair colored for the first time 

Of course I wear colorful frilly clothes around the house all the time, while she wears plain colored tops and jeans, usually plain clothes when she goes out to. The last couple of months I have noticed she is wearing a lot more colorful tops. My influence???

Cassie 

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 Lea
Lady
(@lea-jhene)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     California, United States of America
Posts: 1103

@loneleycd That is quite a story and turn around. Congrats. And yes, I think you influenced her style like girlfriends often do for each other.

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 Lea
Lady
(@lea-jhene)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     California, United States of America
Posts: 1103

Of course I wear colorful frilly clothes around the house all the time, while she wears plain colored tops and jeans,

Reminds me of Taylor Swift's "You belong with me" lyrics.

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 4018

@lea-jhene The voice of experience, Lea. Thanks for giving help and advice to other CDs who haven't yet been caught.

However, I never really got "caught". I just started buying and wearing nicer clothes. They were different than what I traditionally wore. They just happened to be from the women's section, but I bought them mostly because they would be difficult to differentiate from men's clothes. This means that I can dress without pushing too many buttons. My wife's buttons, my neighbour's buttons, nearly anyone's buttons. Because I  don't try to be blatant about all of this.

So far, my wife hasn't really resisted, probably because I am not trying to present as female. Some CDs seem to think that this kind of dressing isn't really crossdressing, it isn't enough. I disagree, plus my public dressing is different than while at home. My dressing in public is at least tolerable (so far) for my wife. At home, she has frequently said, "You're weird.", so I am not totally clear of her scrutiny, either.

Be aware of your own limits (I won't fool anybody and pass) and be aware of your spouse's limits, too.

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 Lea
Lady
(@lea-jhene)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     California, United States of America
Posts: 1103

@harriette I'm with you, I don't want to present as female. I just want to wear pretty things and look a bit pretty compared to the usual guy. Pretty as in more influenced by feminine fashion, accessories, and behavior.

That's really good that your wife and you have found a tolerable way.

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 Lea
Lady
(@lea-jhene)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     California, United States of America
Posts: 1103

@harriette You've got me curious. What sort of nicer things have you bought from the women's section that don't look that different from guys?

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 4018

Posted by: @lea-jhene

@harriette You've got me curious. What sort of nicer things have you bought from the women's section that don't look that different from guys?

Ah, the magic of choice!

One aspect of crossdressing that I want to apply to my body is shape, so I wear a bra / forms and padded panties, to fill in clothes as they are designed and to improve my flat butt / hips. When I  think about it, I will add a corset, too. So shape.

The variety of tops is expanding with some classic white shirts with vertical stripes (I still have a men's shirt from the '80s, too) and I am wearing a black sweater / shirt that has white horizontal stripes, today. These can be considered to be androgynous enough that I want to push wearing them regardless. Checked shirts were widely available last Fall, so who is going to notice which side the buttons are on, so long as the sleeves and body lengths fit? Certain patterns can help make breasts shapes disappear. So good fashion, even if it is in a classic style.

In public, I wears pants and shorts. I fell in love with my new skinny-jeans. They are so cool,  especiallyin that deep indigo blue! I now have a few very nice women's pants, one of which is actually part of a suit. I try to be very wary of wide-legged pants, short above the ankle legs, and some colours. Some pants also simulate the fold of a fly but are actually pull-on pants. I have some deep pink and amber coloured shorts, so stretchy and comfortable, I have to be careful which shorts I wear in public even though I want to display my now hairless legs. At home, anything goes because women's shorts are cut differently. As much as I can, I wear stockings as black socks. They can really help with the fit of shoes, blisters on bare feet, and with obfuscation, to not attract eyes to look lower. So normal looking pants and shorts.

And, because it's so easy for me, I almost always tuck, even if what I am wearing is not tight. I figure that it is the least that I can do. 

Shoes are tricky. I really want to wear something with a heel, but there is so much that can go wrong. Pointed toeboxes, open tops, straps instead of expected laces, stiletto heels all attract attention, so while I have some, I look for shoes that could, maybe, somehow be confused as men's shoes.

I hope that gives you a few ideas. 😊

 

 

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 Lea
Lady
(@lea-jhene)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     California, United States of America
Posts: 1103

@harriette Thanks for sharing. I absolutely love all those ideas! Your closet sounds amazing. It's got me thinking 🙂

For shoes, I have a pair of casual boots with a low heel that are narrower than the men's version. I also have sneakers with dashes of pink and purple. This summer, I bought a few pairs of buckle slides, and of course flip flops. I have several gladiator sandals that just blend in. My go-to are ballet flats, with trouser socks the same color. A few people have noticed the ballet flats, but no one ever suspects the rest of those shoes are women's (not even my wife most of the time)

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 4018

@lea-jhene Right, that is basically what I  do, what I want, how I do things.

I just want to look better than how I have dressed ever since I chose my own close - drab.

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Managing Ambassador
(@bellaz76)
Joined: 4 months ago

Prominent Member     London, Middlesex, United Kingdom
Posts: 363

@lea-jhene great post and I particularly love the bit about hoping to get 'caught' and how others have commented with the caught in brackets 'caught' in itself is an interesting topic. 
my hubby was 'caught' fairly recently, not dressed but clothing was found and then game was over ... when I ask him why , considering he's kept this all so hidden for years and was very clever about it he thought 'hiding' these items under our bed would keep them 'hidden' his reply was I'm not entirely sure but think I wanted you to find them now. 
I wonder if this is the case or if he just had got a bit lax ..

I'll add my thoughts on above , if you do 'borrow' wife's clothes remember borrow means you put them back - hubby said he borrowed a few of my dresses 👗 over the years but my view is he stole them because they deffo went missing for a year. 

I agree with the dress appropriately, age appropriate, it sometimes does feel a little strange when hubby is dressed in full on clubbing gear for a strut around the bedroom on a Monday night ... but it's much easier for me when she's wearing a casual pair of jeans or some nice girlie pjs or nightie .

Not looking better than your wife is an interesting one , I do have to say I've felt threatened at times when he looks better then me but other times I've just thought wow how lucky am I... conflicting....

Thank you for the post always good to get food for thought & I'm sure this will help others .

if your wife ever did fancy joining here in the future I wonder if she might find it useful for support or even more understanding 🤷‍♀️ it's probably not for everyone but I for one think it's hugely helped me to accept and also grow to love hubbys female side 🌈💕🥰

 

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 Lea
Lady
(@lea-jhene)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     California, United States of America
Posts: 1103

@bellaz76 Thank you so much!! I enjoyed reading your reply!!

Thanks too for the encouragement that joining CDH might be a good way for my wife to find the support and hear from others. I'll always keep that in mind for someday.

You reminded me.... I should add an addendum to #1: That includes not stealing (aka "borrowing and keeping") her items, whether they seem old, no longer used, never will be used, or taken from her donations pile.

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Duchess
(@gracepal)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 1030

@lea-jhene Wow. Great list Lea. You touched all the bases here. I love the part where you say your wife asked -do you like women who dress that way? (Uh…YES!) It’s almost as if GG’s don’t want to look too pretty or feminine these days.

#5 was my favorite part. We ARE normal. Wearing clothes is normal. Liking certain styles and colors of clothes is normal. Men do not ask women wearing pants - “Do you think it’s normal you’re wearing pants? Those are men’s clothes.” It’s all cloth and thread after all. 

Something wives should figure out about us. If it’s “forbidden”, men want to do it. Every time. If they would just go along and even encourage it sometimes, it will level out on its own. Some will discard it after awhile. Others will make it one of their many different hobbies. Some will deeply dedicate themselves to it. Very, very few are going to “take it to the limit”. If wives take the attitude, ok, this is new and different for us, let’s see what happens! - it could really enhance their relationship with their SO.🥰

Doesn’t hurt to try.

GP

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 Lea
Lady
(@lea-jhene)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     California, United States of America
Posts: 1103

@gracepal So very true!

I especially liked:

If it’s “forbidden”, men want to do it.

Most of my guy acquaintances seem to be in this boat, so lots of data that proves that! Their vices tend to be very expensive hobbies or purchases that their wives frown upon, overly drinking, hidden smoking/vaping, gambling, flirting even though they are married/relationship, oogling younger women, going to strip clubs, and the extreme ones hiring escorts and prostitutes. To each their own.

Crossdressing is mild compared to all those. That's my vice I guess.

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Duchess
(@gracepal)
Joined: 5 months ago

Noble Member     South Carolina, United States of America
Posts: 1030

@lea-jhene Lea, sometimes I think over half of my motivation to dress is only because of society’s dictate that “men can’t do that!” Well I disagree with that statement, I certainly can if I want to🥰

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Posts: 2172
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Famed Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

I am a firm believer that it is best to admit it upfront and deal with the issue while you are in control rather then when trying to deal with the shock and fear a spouse has upon catching you...even if intentional.

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1 Reply
 Lea
Lady
(@lea-jhene)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     California, United States of America
Posts: 1103

@jjandme Well said. Honesty, upfront, is the best approach. We fear losing everything, but it's better to know where everything stands early in a relationship or marriage, before it becomes more complex and harder for both sides to change or leave.

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Posts: 58
Guest
(@Anonymous 99924)
Trusted Member
Joined: 2 months ago

Before I married my wife I informed her that I had gender dysphoria but was not interested in transitioning. If she wasn't accepting I would of moved on but as it turned out I can dress whenever I want and I underdress every day. Been married over thirty years.

Allison 

XX

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2 Replies
 Lea
Lady
(@lea-jhene)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     California, United States of America
Posts: 1103

@allisonwannabe That's wonderful to hear how you've been married 30 years. Congrats! Your wife sounds amazing.

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Guest
(@Anonymous 99924)
Joined: 2 months ago

Trusted Member
Posts: 58

@lea-jhene she is

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Posts: 812
 Leah
Baroness
(@leah63)
Noble Member     Minneapolis, Minnesota, United States of America
Joined: 7 years ago

before I married my current wife, I fully told her of my CD. So if it was something she could not handle or accept, she could walk away.   She stayed.  Forward 12 years, my dressing has changed a lot as I have a FULL wardrobe and fully dress.  If you would have asked me back than I would be dressing like I am now, I would have said no.  But that is how if evolved.  She is now challenged by it more and more. She knows I have zero plan to transition, but wants her "man" and struggles with seeing me dressed up or in lingerie and makeup.

 

So I have regressed a bit to not dress around her or wear lingerie to bed, but only do that when she is gone.  Sad but that's what it is.  Granted life is short...but do not feel like leaving her over my dressing...at this point in time . 

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2 Replies
 Lea
Lady
(@lea-jhene)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     California, United States of America
Posts: 1103

@leah63 Regressing is hard, but sometimes needed to keep some peace. I know how you feel. While dressing is an important part of me, my wife and family are my life. Most days, life is good. Some days it's a struggle to be both a husband and a crossdressing woman. Life was never meant to be easy.

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Duchess
(@jackieoh)
Joined: 1 year ago

Active Member     Texas, United States of America
Posts: 4

@leah63 ....Thanks for sharing

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Posts: 485
Lady
(@cherylt)
Prominent Member     Honesdale, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Joined: 7 months ago

I remember well the day I was uncovered.

She had been acting different for a few days always with the "nothing" response to "is something bothering you?". Then finally she said "Who is she?". Now I'm confused and said "she who?", only to get "Who is she?" again. This went about 4 rounds till she said the one in the photo. What photo? The one in your wallet.   DING DING DING - Light goes on. She needed some money and found a photo I took during a dressing session and that came out very well. Better in fact than I thought apparently.

I retrieved the photo and showed her. She said yes, that photo. So I said, "That's me". "Don't give me that, who is she" and off we went again. Finally I said wait here and I went to get my stash. 

I opened the box and said, Chocolate brown cowl neck dress, wig, brown ankle strap heels, bra, forms, panties, garter belt and coffee stockings as I pulled each item and placed it on the couch. That's the outfit right? 

She was quiet. I just said "I'm a crossdresser. Those are my clothes and when I'm alone I dress."

Then the conversation began with all the usual questions, Are you gay? Do you want to be a woman? Do you want to date men? Aren't I enough woman for you? and all the others we've all heard. 

Well, we talked and talked and I went back in the closet with the proverbial promise, Never Again. And here I am.

Some 25 years after that event I went to her and said, we have a problem. I told her I never stopped, I don't want to stop and most likely never will stop. We talked, I dressed fully for her, we joined a support group and over time she became fully accepting, understanding and supportive. I'm one of the lucky ones. Very lucky. 

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2 Replies
 Lea
Lady
(@lea-jhene)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     California, United States of America
Posts: 1103

@cherylt Wow, a great outcome. I'm happy for you.

It's funny how so many CDs end up accused of cheating with another woman and their wives don't believe at first that they are CD.

I wonder if the non-CD guys use the same line when caught cheating. "No honey, there's no one else, that matching bra and panties set and heels and dress are mine. See, they fit." (lol)

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Lady
(@cherylt)
Joined: 7 months ago

Prominent Member     Honesdale, Pennsylvania, United States of America
Posts: 485

@lea-jhene I doubt non-CD's use that excuse. The wife would probably think they were gay and things would just be worse. 

At least I was able to prove my case. 

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Posts: 2172
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Famed Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Seriously, of the many problems relationships may face, dressing is really a pretty small thing once people stop and really think about it, and come to understand it.

While my dressing was fairly minimal when we got married, I told her before we wed that I liked wearing panties, and at the time that was all I wore, but it progressed from there. I always let her know what I was doing and now dress fully in front of her, but I mostly prefer to dress fully when alone, though I do still particularly like to wear lingerie when I am with her. Her response has always been two things, "they are just close", and "it does nothing for me, but if you enjoy it go ahead."

Married forty years now, and while she wouldn't care if I never dressed again, she is fine with me doing what I please as long as I keep it reasonably quiet and private.

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1 Reply
 Lea
Lady
(@lea-jhene)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     California, United States of America
Posts: 1103

@jjandme Dressing is indeed a small thing in a relationship. The behavior and feelings attributed (correctly or incorrectly) to it makes it a bigger thing. I think a lack of talking about things in the open leads to the incorrect association about crossdressing.

I love your post. It's a great example of how a relationship can work well with honesty. Congrats to you and your wife!!

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