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This last weekend was an emotional roller coaster for me,
Saturday I was in emotional woman mode, I was feeling feelings and not sure what to do with even a quarter of that. I think you all know how it is, in our male mode our emotions are limited, (or at lest it is for my age group).
But Saturday, I was Mallory all day. She was feeling positive emotions for getting let out, finding a home here, and an upcoming trip. Then the negative… I even cried about four times that day. I haven’t cried as a male in more than 30 years… Mallory is so good for me.
I got through it, and then Sunday arrived.
Headed over to Ulta for color corrector since my beard wants to show. I was surprised to find a bio-male in full face Femme makeup. I went to them and for the first time, I felt comfortable in saying everything was for me, not my non existent daughter with my skin tone… and it felt great. This was the top of my weekend. But like all rollercoasters, the highest high is followed by the lowest low.
We went home, and I took my art supplies out to paint. My usually supportive wife did a bit also. But she decided to do a couple of tequila shots. Those couple turned into a couple more….
Then she marches into the living room and…
Announces to my 80 year old mother in law that I’m a cross dresser and possibly a trans-woman.
She then comes out to me as says… “well it took a few shots, but I did it, I told mom.” Me, mentally in Mallory mode was too shocked to respond.
We had talked and telling her was not going to happen. I was specific. She already gets on the phone with family members and talks about me, now I’m going to contend with this? All I need are her brothers, uncles, etc giving me trouble. Not to mention the mother in law… who lives with us… and is supported by me… who has no filter and strong opinions on what I do.
I waited a few hours and made sure she had cleared the tequila. And in a calm voice told her that this hurt. We had talked about this, we were clear on this. This action hurt me. I told her that in our years together, this may be one of the greatest betrayals of my trust. (Due to my childhood, I have trust issues already.)
I tell myself that she likely has the best of intentions. That she wanted me to be able to be free in my own home. I won’t be free until the MIL doesn’t live here. Unless I want pictures going to the wrong places, She’s not seeing me.
I told my wife that any member of her family who confronts me negatively will be her responsibility to deal with.
I’m not angry… I’m hurt. More because we had talked about it, and agreed about it because of her personality. I’m more hurt this morning because after me explaining my feelings, I have yet to have gotten an apology.
I feel somewhat depressed. I know how this is going to start. I don’t know where that will lead. But this has put me into a difficult position. I just don’t want to do anything. I don’t even want to eat.
The thing with my wife will work out, at least initially. Her family… likely not. I’m hoping that by me making her responsible for dealing with any confrontations will remove the possible trouble for me. The whole reason We chose not to tell her was to avoid problems with her family. Well, here comes the parade…
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I think Lisa's advice is spot on, every word of it. It might be a good idea to get a professional involved. It sounds to me like there are a few things here that need to be addressed. Also, please continue to reach out to us in this community if for no other reason than to vent. We understand, we care, and we love you dear.
💕Big hugs, Lola
Hi Mallory You are a better woman than I. The betrayal of a life long secret is serious. There is whole lot of us will take their secret to their grave.They just did not find that special person they could share their secret. You found that special person [you thought]. I would not care about her intentions. It was wrong to share YOUR secret not hers. I would just wait to see their reactions and deal with them one at a time. Alcohol can be a very dangerous drug when used improperly. Be careful with this one. Its one thing to take the submissive role in a relation ship. Its another thing to be abused and ridiculed. I would not stand for it.
Stephanie
I personally don't think I could maintain a relationship after that level of betrayal. It might be tolerated had the two of you not discussed it prior and she acted that way after discovering your secret, but that's not the case.
These relationships will unfortunately never be the same. It will be up to you to decide whether the new dynamic is acceptable to you or not.
Lisa,
your’re right, There has been a very frenetic pace to all of this. Honestly, that pace has been set mostly by her. She is excited by it she totally encourages my femme side. I was fine with it because I was getting to finally be me. But the speed is a possibility.
after I vented on here, I tried talking to her again. I did say to her… “just like a man, doesn’t listen to what a woman says.” Got a laugh out of her with that. Which then did get the conversation moving. And yes, to an extent, she is taking on a bit of the male/dominant role. sounds a bit like the usual male, trait of wanting to fix the problem instead of just listening.
Her reason given is that this is my house, and I should be able to dress… as I please. If I want nail polish on, I shouldn’t have to hide it.
And her decision for her family?
if mom in law decides to cause problems, she will tell her to find someone else to live with.
If they brothers/ uncles..react badly, she is prepared to them them what they can do with themselves.
So we have settled things. Still hurts, but I can see where she was coming from. It wasn’t a malicious intent. And she knows that This does not happen again.
I'm glad things are heading in a positive direction. Been thinking about you.
💖Lola
Lola,
that vent was very helpful. I was able to go and initiate another attempt at our discussion while acting like a rational adult.
Mallory, so sorry to hear of this loss of trust. You might have little trouble with inlaws, they may hear the story and just put it away in their minds and to have nothing to do with it. Or you might have big problem, you just don't know. I know when my X told our 3 kids I was stunned but my kids don't want to talk about it and when I try to bring my Cd up I get shut down quick. They are happy to do things with me as long as the subject is not brought up.
If you do get down and need someone to talk to there are hundreds of ears here ready to listen.
. Hang in there Mallory.
. . Sandy
I’m so sorry Mallory and my heart goes out to you along with hugs. Alcohol does terrible things to a person. I do hope the trust builds back up in to r relationship.
Paula
Good morning Genevieve,
So an update for you and everyone else.
(1) mother in law has not said word one to anyone, not even me. First person she would tell is likely my son, and he tells me she has said nothing.
(2) after the initial discussion yesterday, My wife told me:
* “you have had to be someone else for everyone else your whole life. You deserve to be able to be you in your own house.”
* “I love Mallory, and I want her to be able to go around the house whenever and however she wants, anyone doesn’t like that knows where the door is.”
* “ I told mom if I find out that she tells ANYONE anything, she will need a new home. I will kick her out myself. “
* “If she does say something anyway, I don’t care who it is. If anyone says anything negative, I don’t want them in my life, I’ll cut them off myself.”
* “I love Mallory, I want to see her more often. You can’t do that if she’s planted in the living room and you have to hide from her.”
So the sense I get from her, is that she did it as a way in her mind to support me. She has been told that this never happens again. I hope we don’t have to put her threats to the test, but over the many years we’ve been together, she’s always backed it up.
So while it was wrong, I think her heart was in the right place.
Mallory, while you think her heart is in the right place, it sounds like she does,t have much of a filter on her thoughts, emotions and the connection to her mouth. Then when she gets a little alcohol there is nooooo filter at all. Then for you when some of this comes out like it did it you can feel like crawling in a box away from the world ( I know I would feel that way).
Keep in touch with us all here, we are here for you!!
. . Sandy
There are some things that you should never ever do. My wife will never tell my secret no matter what. Everyone around will hate her. No one know except my wife and my family but we have a lot of gay/lesbian/liberal friends that will not be happy with people that not keep this kind of thing in secret if they asked to not tell it.
