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a little background...
Mrs Jay (a "unicorn wife" of 37+ years) has been out with me all but a few times since I've been going out.
I have a rule that I don't go out within 100 miles of home (there was a close call...)
anyway, to the point of this... I think that if/when I get "outed" it won't be because they recognize me, but because I'm with my wife. I've told her many times that if she sees someone we know that we should separate (within the confines of our venue) and not to engage that person if she can avoid it.
She doesn't get it...
Most of the people that I've been out with have (obviously) met my wife. Saturday evening the wives sitting near us at our Palm Springs Girls outing were talking about times they've met others they know who don't know their significant other is a CD, and it can be a stressful time for them, as well as us CDs.
I don't think I'm recognizable when I'm out, certainly not to someone who isn't "looking for it", but just the proximity with my wife will be the kicker if/when it happens.
What do y'all think about this?
Willa
I think you know how I feel Willa. But at the risk of repeating myself, here goes.
It's realistic to expect you'll be outed sooner or later. No matter what precautions you take. I've encountered people that know me in distant airports. It happens.
Know what you're going to say. You can't control every situation. You CAN control how you react.
Be you Willa. You're one of the most loveable people I know.
Liz xxx
Know what you're going to say. You can't control every situation. You CAN control how you react.
1000x this ↑
My mantra here is: Your reaction to someone/something says everything about you and nothing about them/it. And vice versa.
I'll add here, that to know what you're going to say will require you to actually practice that experience many times. To speak that conversation out loud to yourself - in the car, in the shower, wherever. You'll want to speak it - speaking makes you listen and focuses your brain in a way that thinking does not. This way in that moment of stress, it's more muscle memory and less trying to remember what you'd planned to say.
To your story, the GF and I were at the mall - me dolled up. We were in the makeup area (she was looking for something TYVM!), and in the store the makeup is kept in these drawers under the display. So she was bent over sifting through them trying to find her shade and I'm standing nearby daydreaming.
I see two friends of ours walking directly at us and had to bite back "🖐️ Hey guys!" as I remembered my current appearance. So I just watched them walk on by. Not 3 seconds later the GF was ready and came over and I pointed to our friends walking away and told her what just happened.
I wondered if they'd realized, but I showed my sister a photo of me in my own living room dolled up and it took her 15 seconds to catch on, so I doubted these two recognized me (though they didn't miss me at 6'2" with obnoxiously red hair). However, I did think, "Did they see my GF? Would they have figured it out?"
Like you, I've been out with her a dozen times in this area and anyone seeing us together, let alone holding hands would pretty quickly connect the dots. However, to be honest, for myself, I pretty much wanna tell everyone. I don't tell my friends because I don't want to make them feel awkward - not understanding but not feeling comfortable asking questions.
@willajay More than half of the time that I go out, I am on my own. The rest of the time we don't hang around together near home much, so the chances of being recognized / clocked is fairly slim. Not zero, but remote once we aren't local.
Thanks for mentioning the situation, though, because we will have to plan how to handle any future event. There was one occasion in which I didn't hang around my wife when she spoke with someone she knew but that I didn't know her. Awkward! So I wandered off.
Hi, Willa, I've recently been thinking about this issue but it wouldn't be with my wife (she is brilliant but has not shown any interest in going out with me dressed). Until this October, it wasn't an issue as I never went out but after attending LFF with Liz, Ellie and Fluff, all of whom I now consider my "chosen family", I've found the confidence to get out there again.
I'm now actively planning to tell my elder daughter about Allie. She, like her sister and my wife, have been impacted over the years, by my emotional struggles resulting from hiding half of who I am. I now want to share the reason for that and why I'm now a much happier person.
I'm 99% sure she'll be good with this (it's the 1% that's keeping me awake and beset by should I, shouldn't I!). I think she'll be good to the point that she will want to accompany me on an outing and it's the possibility of bumping into her friends that has me thinking about a response.
I keep coming back to a two word answer if I'm challenged, "Yes, and?"
I agree with Liz, every time we go out en femme, the chance of being seen by someone we know increases. I hope the reality of this is close to the planning!
Allie x
@alexina Fingers firmly crossed for you Allie 🙂
I think the attitude in your two-word answer is absolutely spot on - and isn't it amazing how much two words can say? You're comfortable with yourself; if someone else isn't, it's their problem!
@alexina "Yes, and?"
That's pretty much exactly it. Every question about one's personal choices, be they one's desire to be vegetarian, shave one's legs, or whatever can ultimately be boiled down to a single response: "Because I prefer it that way."
Period. It is an inarguable point and therefore a debate ender. Certainly if you feel a person's inquiry is genuine - that they truly want to understand - then you can expound into the 'whys', but if someone is simply being nosy or outright rude, the above is the tourniquet for that conversation.
Thanks, Melodee. I'll take that as a huge compliment, coming from someone so erudite and perceptive.
@willajay I keep my public appearances away from home as to get to my house, I need to get past my neighbours. I do go for a walk sometimes, but drive about 40 miles first.
My most public outing was walking through a hotel reception and to my room, was treated very positively.
Hugs,
Anna xx
This is a topic I've discussed with my wife several times. At first she didn't want to come out with me and then when she did, she decided drunk Tina and the LGBTQ set are WAY more fun that me in drab. (She's not wrong !) We went far away from home (UK based so you US readers may think of that as still quite close) to party but there was still the issue of people taking photos. We agreed to not be in photos together but that assumes that a) you had prior warning of the photo being taken and b) you're still sober enough to make that judgement. Shoving your partner out of shot at the last second when a camera is pointed at you kinda ruins the atmosphere.
I have gone out locally with a group and was paranoid about being recognised but they all confirmed that no-one had ever recognised them and in fact, most people don't even look you in the face. When we walked between bars, they said to watch people. They were right, most people look down, at the traffic, at their phones, at their companions, not the strangers walking past. In fact, one hen / bachelorette party walked past and a girl dropped her pink cowboy hat which landed at my feet. I did my best to crouch down to pick it up whilst retaining some modesty and when I handed it back to her, she said "Thanks, queen" and carried on with her companions. Asked my teenage daughter if that was a common greeting for the age group, and she confirmed it was. So, to drunk people, with hair over my face, I almost pass. (really, really don't, but I'll take the momentary win)
I was worried about people I know, especially my own daughters, recognising my voice and they pointed out that bars and restaurants are so noisy that was very unlikely. They also said to prepare for the moment - decide if you are going down the "were on a drag night out for a laugh, how do I look" or "you caught me, I crossdress".
@willajay Outed by association is a real risk. The question though... would people really recognize you. I mean they wouldn't expect to see you dressed, and out with your wife.
I never been out myself but I can understand your thoughts I don’t think my buddy’s or there wife’s would know me if I was out but if the wife was there probably be a dead give away or the big question who was that lady you where with we never meet her before so yes I can understand your concerns dearly
if i wear a wig i don't think i would be recognized( with my own hair i look like my late mother) i have asked my wife to wear a wig but she refuses and she is the one who is paranoid about someone we know learning about Giselle.
This is a very relevant issue for me at the moment. I'm out to everyone in my life, but I'm just starting to go out en femme with my partner, and she's known casually by a lot of people. Not even everyone who knew us as being together before, knows there's been any change. I think she's being hugely brave walking around arm-in-arm or holding hands with me. I guess it depends on how convincing I look, but it could be taken as saying 'I'm with another woman' about her on at least some level. Thanks for a very timely thread! 🙂
If/when you get outed.... Your life will change for the better! You'll have no need to hide. You won't have to drive for 2 hours to go shopping. When the secret is out it loses all of its power over you. You can be who you want to be, when you want to be.
For many years, I wanted to be out, but my wife was terrified of people finding out. It took many years, and for me to nearly die before she came around to the idea of telling everyone. Now I am out and no longer hide that I'm a crossdresser, she has realised that people don't care. She has realised that all of our family and friends are fully OK with my dressing as a woman, and they have no issues with it.
Don't stress about ever being outed. Why not control it and out yourself?
Cerys
Hello Ladies, what I have learned/experienced is, ""I heard a saying years ago. It went something like: 'In your 20s, you care what everyone thinks. In your 40s, you don’t give a crap what everyone thinks about you. In your 60s is true wisdom when you realize nobody was ever thinking about you in the first place.'" I'm in the later stage now and free.
We used to do those things as well when out. Never close to home. Separate if we see someone we know so they don't connect the dots. Now we don't really care.
I've become of the mind that if someone that "knows" me, really knows me sees me out, dressed, enjoying life and they suddenly think differently about me it's a "Them" problem, not a "me" problem. Anyone who has known me for a length of time knows who I am, what I stand for and what kind of person I am. That doesn't change because I'm wearing a dress or whatever. If they think it does then Adios Amigo, don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out.
Yesterday I was rolling the garbage bin out to be emptied today, the bin has to be placed at the roadside. It was dusk and very few cars passing and I could hide my skirt behind the bin but have to turn it and rigt at that moment comes a lady riding an electric bike without a sound, don't know if she did comprehend I was wearing a skirt and stockings, but I almost had an heart attack. I live in a small town with no more than 721 citizen, scary but nothing I can do about it ant the truth is I really don't care.
I might add that my concerns are my career (winding down within 5 years) and my local groups (and again, I will leave this area when I retire).
I don't want my contributions here to be changed because of this... (and, with the culture here, all will be remembered was that I was an outcast CD)
My adult children all know in some part (2/3 have seen pictures, at the least) and my sister (very near my age, obviously) is supportive.
Years ago my sister-in-law must have been doing an image search for her sister (my wife, now ex) on meetup and came across a photo we took when we went out shopping with a group. She recognized me from being in the proximity. So it can happen even without direct contact.
The last few years I have been going out even in my own neighborhood. My boss's boss happens to be my neighbor, and has seen me even without proximity to someone.
In March I went out to Keystone, and came back en femme. I didn't feel like changing when I got back, nor did I feel like cooking. I decided to go to the local diner where I had gone many times before with my adult daughter who lives with me. Sure, I could have just gotten take-out and minimized my exposure, but I didn't want to. I understood that the proximity to her (and the fact I look a lot like her, whether en femme or not) would bring scrutiny upon me. Nothing happened, I didn't spot any one who I knew. My attitude was simply, "Que sera sera."
