My Beginnings

First of all, I want to express how grateful I am to every one of you girls for your support and just general compliments. I haven’t felt this happy in a long time. I’ve always wanted to get my story out and take myself off mute, but I’ve never had an outlet until now. For some reason, I woke up today knowing its my 28th birthday, but I feel like I've been reborn. This is my journey.
I can remember feeling in different from a very young age. My brothers would all play army in my grandpas old uniforms, meanwhile I would fantasize about the dresses hanging in the laundry room. I never fit in with the guys. Sure, my parents had me in sports, football, basebal, hockey, everything. I played but I always played from the bench. I was awful with traditionally male activities. I found myself gravitating more towards the girls in Jr. High and High School. I was in theater, band, orchestra. My best friends in high school was a group of all girls. I felt like I belonged.
Outside the house I was able to express myself how I wanted to. I wore a few pairs of girls jeans and usually wore my tops significantly tighter. Unless I felt like it was over sized hoodie day. At home though, it was a much different story. My parents are suuuuupppppeerrrrr conservative. My dad is one who thinks being gay is wrong, a sin, whatever. My mom believes sex change operations are immoral because “God doesn’t make mistakes”. We still have debates on this once a month lol. So there’s no way in hell I could express anything at home. This is what I believe sparked my depression. I stiffled myself and got it in my head that that is wrong and I’m just being silly playing dress up.
I left home when I was 19. I moved into an apartment with my girlfriend at the time. She too was over the top conservative and I wouldn’t dare tell her my story, so my wardrobe was packed away. Most of it was thrown away or donated. I just kept feeling that I was doing something wrong and was going to hurt people I love by telling them about my feminine side.
It must have been around this time or a couple years later that I started falling deeper into depression. I had struggled with depression for a long time, but this was the first time I had thoughts that were scaring me. I needed a change in my life. I broke things off with my girlfriend, packed up and moved across the state to work in construction. Maybe I’ll fit in here? I worked construction for 7 years eventually attaining a foreman level. All the while, I felt I was missing something.
It only took 5 years in construction to make me more more masculine; looking at least. 5 years of drinking every night is enough to rack in a bunch of weight too. Maybe now I’ll be able to put my feminine side behind me? No, not quite. I was cleaning the attic out and found a box with a pair of my old jeans from high school. Knowing those wouldn't fit, I went to Walmart and bought something that would. I could have cried when I saw what was looking back at me in the mirror. What had I done to myself? This is not me. I’m not this big macho guy. And where the f*** did this beer belly come from!?!
At this point my now fiancé and I were in a serious long distance relationship. She had no idea what was going on. She moved in with me roughly 6 months later. After another year together (and yet another year of me hiding myself) and the birth of our son, I quit the construction industry. I couldn’t keep looking at myself hating what I had become. Furthermore, I couldn't keep destroying my body. We packed our things and moved ourselves with just the clothes on our backs back to my parents house where I began a new career search. Maybe another change will help this depression? I landed a perfect comfortable office job where I wouldn't break my body all day. The depression subsided marginally but not enough.
Shortly after landing the new job, I decided that I needed to explain things to someone. I told my girlfriend everything. About how I had battled depression and boarderline bipolar disorder for years and how nothing seemed to help. I then brought up what I was sure would end our relationship. I told her how comforting it was for me to dress in women's clothes and how I had started this when I was very young. It took some convincing at first that I wasn't gay, but she quickly understood everything. She asked me a couple weeks later if I wanted to go shopping to find myself something cute. Of course I was thrilled and over the top and immediately agreed. It was at this point, I realized that I had the perfect woman in my life. Not only had she blessed me with the birth of our son, but she was supporting my feminine side 100%. In June of this year, we got engaged and are due to be married next year. She had to jokingly remind me to remember I don't get to wear a dress on the wedding day lol. I'm totally fine with that. On top of everything else, we both decided to tackle the crusade of loosing weight about a year ago. Happy to say we both have our tiny, cute bodies back lol.
I've become completely comfortable with myself as Skyler, but still have thoughts of "is this as far as it goes?" My fiancé has blown me away in many ways through this journey. Particularly when she told me she finds herself physically attracted to me as a male or as Skyler. In her words "I'm in love with you for you, not your body." Honestly, I'm more comfortable as Skyler, but I don't want to loose my male side completely. Not yet anyway. I haven't decided if this is where my journey stops or if there is something more in store as far as a transition goes. All I know for certain is that I have definitely found a group of like minded ladies who may feel the same as me or have shared similar experiences to me. It is great to be able to bounce ideas off of you girls and be able to both receive and offer support. Its a great stepping stone for us.
Thank you for bearing with me through this long winded story. Believe me, this isn't everything. I've only scratched the surface lol. I hope that maybe there are girls out there who have shared experiences like mine and can understand and truly believe they are not alone. I hope that everyone can find their true happiness and be completely comfortable in who they feel they really are.