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My journey to now and beyond

15 Posts
8 Users
28 Reactions
155 Views
Posts: 41
Lady
Topic starter
(@alisonout1123)
Trusted Member     Somerville, New Jersey, United States of America
Joined: 2 months ago

Hi, fellow travellers!

 

I've been on the site for over a week, so I thought I should let you get to know me a little better.

 

I was born and raised in NJ, to a big family (7 siblings, 6 of them older).  My early childhood is really a blur.  I know I did boy things, but I also did "girl" things (my sister's Easy Bake oven was a fav).   I really can't remember questioning my gender identity at all, though.  My father passed when I was 12.  It was shortly after that (maybe like a year or two later) when I HAD to "borrow" my sister's things.  I became sure that I was "different" but couldn't shake the fact that the softness and silkiness made me feel more like myself.  It was just clothing..what do I know.  "Maybe I'm gay", I thought.  Or "maybe dad's death screwed me up more than I thought".  In any case, I couldn't resist doing all I could (at the time) to feel like ME.

 

I remember taking my sister's birth control pills for like a week (then I got scared).  I slept in her nightgowns (and I think I got busted but, to this day, my brother has not said anything).  I looked at Playboy and noticed more of the sexy things the girl was dropping than the girl herself. Then, I graduated from high school and began to party with my friends.  I picked up girls and (I thought) forgot about who I had THOUGHT I was.  Then I met a girl and we married.  I had a rendezvous (or two, or 35) with other men because I knew something was missing, and I didn't understand what or why.  I had been years without feeling girlie, or so I was conditioned to believe.  All the while, though, Alison was there, waiting patiently.

 

I started to go to the gym a few years back.  I admired the girls in their leggings and barely-there tops and imagined I lusted for them.  But no, it was not lust If I were being honest...it was envy.  I wanted to look like them and live like them (Maybe! LOL).  Alison was yelling for help and release.  I started watching trans erotica, wishing I were her, and admiring her for her bravery in having gotten the "hiding" out of the way and moving on to the physical metamorphosis. (You thought I was going to say I wished I was her for a different reason, didn't you?).  I started looking online at the fem stuff I needed (En Femme is an absolute favorite).

 

But I'm married to a woman who I know would not understand (you can trust me on this).  And I have siblings who were (mostly) raised by a man's man.  And I have no space whatsoever to be who I am without others discovering my secret.  It's become almost crippling.

 

Then I found this sight, just a week before my wife had a scheduled business trip.  So I am sitting here, wearing the leggings and bralette top, with thong that feels so right, that I went out and shopped for earlier today. All with the lights on and a full view through large sling glass doors.  Will one of my nosy neighbors see me?  I don't know, maybe I hope they will.  Maybe I'm getting reckless.  Tonight, I took a ride in my new outfit and went for a walk in an area where no one would know me.   Whatever it is, I don't know if Alison is going to let me stop.  And her captor is tired.  I'm being consumed.

 

Anyway, now we head into the "beyond" part.  I don't know where this journey will end up, but the direction is becoming clearer.  Alison deserves to live.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Allie

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14 Replies
9 Replies
Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3977

@alisonout1123 Welcome to CDH, Alison!

So far, you have been cautious, maybe to the point of not dressing at all, until now. Since you say that your wife and more will not approve, don't let yourself get careless. That might change things a tad for you.

Reply
Lady
(@alisonout1123)
Joined: 2 months ago

Trusted Member     Somerville, New Jersey, United States of America
Posts: 41

@harriette Thank you, Harriette.  I agree with you in one sense.  On the other hand, I'm not sure which is more reckless.  I guess I could take a different route to coming out...

 

The life of a trapped woman (and I know I'm preaching to the choir)

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Duchess
(@loneleycd)
Joined: 5 years ago

Famed Member     Roland, Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 2144

@alisonout1123 Welcome, Alison. We are all trying to understand ourselves and why we do what we do. I see you find the pink fog often rolling over you. I do know that for most of us that sooner or later we do get found out. 

I would very much suggest you think about what you will say if that happens to you. Trying to purge and quit almost never happens. Sooner or later the pink fog hits again. Hope you find the comfortable balance for you 

Cassie 

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Lady
(@alisonout1123)
Joined: 2 months ago

Trusted Member     Somerville, New Jersey, United States of America
Posts: 41

@loneleycd You know, Cassie, I was just thinking earlier today that I should just stay away from this site and everything else that seems to be triggering what might be a burst by Alison to get out.  Put her back in her cage.  Everything was easier when she was.  Then I went out and bought a set of gorgeous thongs in various shades of pink, the second time in two days I did something I never thought I could....shopping in the ladies section with a million people around.  And then I went out for a drive in my leggings and bralette top.  (How far behind can the make-up and breast forms be).  And then a walk down the street (maybe this wasn't as s dangerous as it seems because there's a cold shower coming down.  But still ..)

 

Anyway, your point is well taken.  I'm caught in the pink fog.  I could manage my way out once again, but the pink fog is a persistent bugger.  It's relentless.  And it's probably right in being persistent.  I am who I am and I should surrender to nothing else.  It's just there to remind me.

Anyway, thank you for the reminder about inevitability.  What's to be will be.

 

Hugs,

Alison

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Lady
(@allysyn)
Joined: 2 years ago

Eminent Member     Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
Posts: 32

@alisonout1123 Welcome and WTG girl!! your story reminded me of my early days (7 years ago). There is good news and bad news ... good for Allie ... sorry bad for the poor bloke that is about to be given early retirement, lol.

Jokes aside, my advise is be courageous - it's worth it in the end and don't underestimate how powerful this force is. You have challenges ahead, I believe this power will be your strength you need to succeed. 

My sincere best wishes for your journey, luv Ally

 

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Lady
(@alisonout1123)
Joined: 2 months ago

Trusted Member     Somerville, New Jersey, United States of America
Posts: 41

@allysyn You are so sweet, Ally.  Thank you.  And congratulations to you on your happy progression.  Always encouraging to hear from those who were where I am...and persevered and conquered.  I love this place and you ladies.

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Duchess Annual
(@robertaf)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Louisiana, United States of America
Posts: 1056

@alisonout1123 welcome to CDH. I hope you'll find comfort and understanding here amongst so many wonderful people.

Reply
Lady
(@alisonout1123)
Joined: 2 months ago

Trusted Member     Somerville, New Jersey, United States of America
Posts: 41

@robertaf Thank you so much, Roberta.  I really appreciate it.

Reply
 Lea
Lady
(@lea-jhene)
Joined: 9 years ago

Noble Member     California, United States of America
Posts: 1093

@alisonout1123 Welcome!! Congrats on fulfilling that desire to wear leggings and a top. And venturing out too. Those are wonderful steps. Reminds me of my first adventures out. And now they are more regular, less nervous. "To the beyond"!

Reply
Posts: 196
 Lacy
Duchess
(@rholtman96)
Reputable Member     Lincoln city, Oregon, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

Yes, you do deserve to live Allison. Welcome to CDH

Lacy

Reply
1 Reply
Lady
(@alisonout1123)
Joined: 2 months ago

Trusted Member     Somerville, New Jersey, United States of America
Posts: 41

@rholtman96 thank you so much, luv.

Reply
Posts: 196
 Lacy
Duchess
(@rholtman96)
Reputable Member     Lincoln city, Oregon, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

I waited until I was 68 before I accepted that this is who I am. Please don't waste your life trying to be what you think society say's you should be and be who you want to be, you'll be a much happier person.

Lacy

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Posts: 2088
Hostess
(@cdsue)
Famed Member     Delaware, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Alison -

Welcome to CDH

XOXO
Suzanne

Reply
1 Reply
Lady
(@alisonout1123)
Joined: 2 months ago

Trusted Member     Somerville, New Jersey, United States of America
Posts: 41

@cdsue Thank you so much, Suzanne.  I'm thankful I found your place.

 

Kisses,

Allie

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