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Hi All,
Firstly I would like to apologize in advance for such a long description of who I know myself to be and the often difficult periods filled with every emotion possible.
My name is Nichola Jayne Morgan and I know with all my heart and soul I am female, I always have been and I always will be. I can still vividly remember the first time as a child around the age of 5-6 years of age that feeling that came from deep within that overwhelming desire to want to wear items of clothing belonging to my step sister, the soft and pretty colourful dresses enthralled me. At the time I had no idea what compelled me to want to wear everything she did from the cotton knickers, the skirts and dresses to the sandals but that urge was overwhelming. Looking back now if I am being completely honest I am certain I had always been a little envious of her. As I stood there whilst wearing that dress something inside somehow felt right, the feelings of absolute joy and happiness were wonderful and I wished I would never have to take it off. Growing up as a child in the 70's however I quickly learnt to hide my wishes and feelings of wanting to be soft and feminine like girls, my love of all things considered girly as I was terrified of being discovered. Attitudes back then were very different. Even then I was afraid of what my mother would do if she were ever to catch me, would she then tell everyone about me and cause me utter embarrassment and bullying. As a child I had no idea there were others who felt as I did and I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me, why did I feel this way and I became ashamed. Why when appeared physically to be the same as boys did I hate not only being referred to as one but also having to pretend to be one and why did I have such strong feelings and a deep yearning to be a girl?. As the years passed the feelings only grew stronger and I would spend a lot of my time alone hiding away within the sanctuary of my bedroom thinking of how I wished my life could be, the things I wished I were able to do, the things all girls want to do. Then one day I came across an article in the newspaper that would change my life completely. I was stunned to find that the beautiful woman pictured had not always looked the way she now did. As I read on I was fascinated to discover how like myself although being born physically male she to had always known herself to be in fact female and had experienced similar feelings of loneliness, sadness, shame and guilt as I also did. That was the first time I had ever heard of anyone who was like myself and that it was physically possible to under go treatment to be able to have something called a sex change. I lost count of the number of times I read the article taking in each and every word and the image of what became to me the most beautiful woman I had ever seen burnt into my mind. When the paper was thrown away I cautiously removed the pages and hid them away in my room along with the diary containing my most intimate thoughts and dreams and the items of clothing, jewellery and make up I had acquired. These were my most treasured possessions as they allowed Nichola to be set free from the prison cell within me. Thankfully as I had no interest whatsoever in socialising with boys preferring to be alone reading or studying I was afforded a room to myself and did not have to share with one of my two brothers.allowing me a little privacy. I became quite adept at finding excuses for not accompanying family giving me precious time at home alone. Although I had amassed a range of outfits of my own I would still occasionally look through my step sisters things if she had recently purchased something I liked. Being only of slender build and having only small feet and hands her things were a perfect fit. I was always filled with the fear of someone coming home unexpectedly and discovering me but no matter how great the risk of getting caught it was far outweighed by the reward of spending time being happy as my true self. There were numerous times after I had borrowed items belonging to my sister .that even though I was certain I had put them back carefully she would comment that somebody had been in her things. I was certain I would give myself away each time as I became flushed with embarrassment and obvious guilt. I had no idea what I would say if I were ever to be asked directly but only knew I wished I were courageous enough to be able to tell my mother everything. In my ideal world she would wrap me in her arms we both began to cry. She would listen as I explained everything, how contrary to my physical appearance I was a girl, a very confused, unhappy and frightened girl who's greatest wish would be to be able to live life as the person she was always meant to be. xxx
Hi Nichola,
I have had these urges through my life ,but not as persistent or strong as you have.
My yearnings were there also but I didn't embrace them until recently
I hope you get to be that beautiful woman you have always yearned to be sweet.
Thank you for sharing and live out your dream.
We will be here to support and listen
Patty
Nicholas I'm also in the UK though further north. Parts of your story chime with me to.
Welcome.x.