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It was recommended by someone here that has come out that I post my situation and get some advise from others good and bad about coming out to my wife of 38 yrs (42 w dating). So here’s my story. I’ve been xdressing since my early teens. It was nearly daily and w help of my psychiatrist I was able to simply be more verbally intimate w my wife (expressing my wants and needs - other than X-dressing). Then due to stressors of her going on a trip w her mom and other things - xdressing came back w a vengeance. I’ve read xdressing isn’t normally something that will totally go away, so I’ve been facing the idea of coming out to my wife.
I’ve been debating coming out to my wife, this latest time, for about 2 weeks. My psychiatrist said be prepared to have my marriage end. I’m 18 months from retiring. I like the idea of waiting till I’m retired. It’s an overwhelming burden as I feel a lot of guilt and shame. But I do feel so relaxed dressed.
I don’t know what it will do to our sexual relationship to tell her let alone or marriage . Will it end, will she want a divorce? Does she tell our daughter? Can’t we keep this amongst ourselves ‘in the bedroom’?
Can someone of you explain your experiences please. I’ll reply- answer questions, I’m seeking input, experience and guidance and thoughts.
Ours is pretty strait laced sex life as she’s not one to experiment… even after many marriage counseling sessions about our straight sex life. So this would be quite far afield maybe?
she did see the remnants of toe nail polish on me once that I explained away as a bottle I found in my hotel room on a trip. She never said /asked more about it - 20 yrs ago. Although if she looked she’d find safety pin holes on the seems of some of her party dresses where I had hiked them up. Again, she’s never said a word..
@longlegsvb1 Hi Billie, this was actually brought up recently here.
My main advice: Don't let fear drive your actions. It never takes you where you want to go.
Hiya Billie ,
@bellaz76 thank you so much for these insights, these are just the kind of things I needed to learn about and come to understand. This is helpful beyond words. Thanks for taking the time to write this all out!
@longlegsvb1 my pleasure Billie , I hope you get some other good advice to help you with this journey 💕
@longlegsvb1 My wife discovered a photo of me that I took and stupidly kept in my wallet. She was silent for days and finally I got her to say "who is she?". I had no idea who she was talking about till she mentioned the photo. When I said it was me she just got madder. Then I showed her everything and we talked for days. That was early on and I promised the infamous "never again" and went back into the closet only more carefully.
Fast forward 20 years. I can't take it any more and decide to tell her and what happens, happens. I was prepared for the yelling, crying, divorce, threats or whatever. I just had to get out of that closet. I suppose because of all the years gone by she was more comfortable that I wasn't leaving. We did talk and cry for hours each night for days. I showed her everything, told her everything, answered all her questions honestly and fully. She was willing to learn about this and this part of me. A few months later I dressed for her for the first time. I was a nervous wreck, but it went so much better than expected.
We later joined a support group and she met other CD's and their wives. She saw we weren't crazy, perverts or whatever, just people who loved to be women. Now she's fully supportive. We go everywhere together, shopping, movies, restaurants and she's completely comfortable with Cheryl. We're retired and I dress daily unless there is something that need a man's touch about the house.
As for the bedroom. That's a no no. Makes her feel off. She doesn't like the idea of lesbian sex and it's difficult for her to get past how I look. That's ok though. I can live with that.
I can't say this will be your fairy tale ending, just be honest and prepared for whatever may come.
Thanks for sharing Cheryl you are an inspiration.. my wife and I are Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” mode. .. it is working for us
54th Anniversary next week …
@longlegsvb1 Billie, this is arguably the most common topic of discussion here at the CDH forums. And for good reason. I'm afraid I don't think anybody can help, because we don't know your partner at all. You are the best placed person to assess how the great reveal might go.
I am in precisely the same position. I have concluded that if I came out to my wife she would leave. I have a never ending battle with myself as to whether that would be good or bad for me. I can only say that if you're going to have the conversation, pick a nice relaxed moment with no fear of interruptions, and prepare what you're going to say thoroughly. Don't let her interrupt until you've finished, and have answers ready to the most common questions. Are you gay? Do you want to dress full time? Do you want to transition?
Sending support and love as you battle this conundrum, and if it helps, I know exactly what you're going through.
Hugs, Chrissie xx.
@chrisfp99 thanks Chris - I am leaning heavily to not telling. I have time to think it through and appreciate the comments.
Billie
I am a wife of a CD. We have been married for 24 years and I just officially learned of this a little over a month ago. I think it was kinda a fluke that the conversation came up... So back story, one night my husband told me to close my eyes when he was coming to bed, lights were off so I was only able to feel, what I felt was weird, awkward and uncomfortable. He was fully dressed in woman's lingerie. I am an awful at lying and it was very obvious that I was not impressed to say the least. This is obviously not a good way to express this desire or need to your wife!
Years later my husband and I were texting about something completely random and I remembered a comment he made one day...the comment was something to the effect of there's more to it than you know but, I don't think you're prepared for me to tell you...I left it at that, I didn't question it, he thinks I was not ready, and it didn't sound like he was ready to tell me, so I didn't say anything more on the subject.
Fast forward to a little over a month ago... again we were texting, lol we do actually speak to one another we just do a lot of communication via text when we are at work. I brought up the subject again it had been several months since he made that comment to me, I reminded him of that conversation and asked him if he was ready to tell me what he thought I was not ready to hear before. With a long hesitation he chose to tell me. It was via text that is just how I think he felt comfortable telling me, I think he could have done it face to face too but I brought it up at that point in time and he responded. In the text I guess I was a little bit confused I do remember back when he chose to come to bed dressed in women's lingerie and I was not impressed... I guess I kind of thought it was just a bedtime thing for him. We had long conversations for several days but I still don't think I grasped completely what he was trying to tell me. In essence what he was trying to tell me and struggling hard to express it fully is that he enjoyed cross-dressing not just at bedtime but he had a need a desire and a want for the women's clothing and it was more again than just bedtime. I guess I started to wrap my head around a little more on our first shopping trip when he would pick things out and say he liked them I was always used to him liking them for me... I had to stop and start questioning is this for me or for you?
I came home from work one day after our shopping trip And he was fully dressed as a female! I wasn't quite ready for that I kind of thought we were going to ease into it a little bit but there he/she was. We have since set some boundaries One is she is not allowed to come to bed with us, at least not at this time, as well as when she is going to be fully dressed when I come home She will let me know that she will be there so that I am prepared. My husband and I have always had a very open relationship open communication and very accepting when it comes to any type of differences. This one was huge for us! I hate that he has held this in for so many years. He told me he was a very young age when he found the desire and has often on had a few outfits here and there I don't think while we've been married but through high school through college and through other relationships. I think that's why he felt so confident coming to bed that night in the women's lingerie because we have that open relationship. Don't get me wrong when I say open relationship I don't mean we are openly cheating on one another seeing other people nothing like that. It's just that we have always been willing to hear the other person out work through differences work through our problems I think we are a very rare ummm... I don't know what the right word is I don't want to say couple but something to that effect people don't stay together anymore if they have a problem they just wash their hands of one another.
I love my husband with all of my heart when he told me this please don't get me wrong it was not easy. Once I fully understood what it was he wanted and needed.
I don't feel like he lied to me, I feel like he lied to himself. He repressed this girl inside of him it was almost like this girl inside of him was in remission and it was time for her to come back out of her remission, If that makes sense. I still struggle with this but it is still fairly new to us. However there are fun parts of it too. We have gone out shopping we've gone shopping on the internet picking out wigs and dresses jewelry and different things. It's kind of like a new best friend if that makes sense My husband's always been one of my best friends but now I have an additional person. Now I do have to say I agree with some of the other comments it is kind of like I've been put in the closet too because this is the only place that I can vent, express myself, be emotional... I mean I can be all of those things with my husband but I have always had other outlets that I've used...My family my friends my co-workers whenever I've had an issue with kids or life or work those are the people I also turn to, And now I can't turn to them any of them about this. Technically I guess I could but that would be disrespectful and rude and that's not who I am.This is not my secret to tell. Maybe one day she will come out to everyone not just me maybe she will tell our kids I don't know?
I can't give you advice on how you should tell your wife I can't give you advice on how I think she will react All of us are different here those of you who are wanting to cross-dress and those of us supporting our spouses our significant others. What I can tell you is in my opinion it's not fair to yourself to hold her in. I know for my husband when he is having a really difficult stressful day and I tell him to go put on something sexy the stress melts right off of him. I can't explain it but I know it helps. I wish you the best in this journey and I hope that when the time is right and you choose to tell her that things go well for you. You can obviously recommend her to this site for support from others on both sides. I can tell you from my experience in my couple of weeks on the site that the encouragement and the support the advice the recommendations and the non-judgmental comments have been overwhelmingly wonderful. I wish you luck Billie
@wifetrying2understand thank you SO VERY MUCH for taking the time and being so open and honest. This is really helpful as my wife and I are very close and get along very well nearly all the time - so you two seem to have a similar relationship and it’s nice to hear from you and so soon after your husband came out. I agree it’s like repressing a part of myself since my girl side has been w me so long. I understand too now even better how you have virtually no one to talk to about this - other than your husband.. I see how that is hard when you have such a big support group around you for all the other stressors in like. I will re-read your reply several times to let it soak in fully. I feel a form of relief reading these coming out stories even when things aren’t all roses. There IS an intimacy about telling your SO, and I feel that and long for it, but also am afraid of hurting her and ruining our relationship… but I’m still thinking it through, and I have help in thinking it through from my counselors - so that’s a plus. Thank you again- I love your openness w your SO and your willingness to acknowledge your frustrations - but it also is clear you still love him and are working w him to work it out. Ps - maybe you could tell a massage therapist?? I told my message therapist as we’re not in same circle of people. She said ‘what is said in the room stays in the room’!
@longlegsvb1 From what I've seen and in my personal situation. I made a decision that I couldn't take all the sneaking anymore and I came to terms with I need this to be happy , I was resenting my wife as well , all on me though she had no idea. but I thought there were a few possible scenarios for me and I had to be OK with each of them. I'm sure all the girls here have already mentioned all the possible end games , so I thought that If any of the possible outcomes is far greater then the need to tell then I was not going to. but I was unhappy and I felt guilty all the time , and I think I know my wife pretty good so I went for it . And I was very lucky. nothing has changed with us at all except sometimes I'm a she. But it could have gone so badly.
Does your counselor also counsel your wife ? as they made that comment, I'm assuming they know her dunno.maybe the counselor could breach the subject and see how she reacts you can always get out of that one 🙂
I spent some time bringing up LGBTQ rights and occasionally we checked out rue Paul drag race. Just to Guage how she reacted . I figured she would not divorce me if I put a drag show on TV I could have just never did it again. but she was into it and we laughed together. So I had an idea it would be OK. but I again was prepared for the worst.
So that's all I got. hope its a helpful reference. best of luck to you and have a great day. Cheers RC
@river thanks so much for sharing. Regarding the counselor we had, while I told the counselor separately , in group work w my wife and the counselor we just discussed the relationship issues I was having - partly because I could not bring myself to tell my wife she was making me mad re certain house hold habits, and discussed that I had more sexual drive and interest in certain sex acts that my wife wasn’t interested in. In working through all that - my xdressing interests dissipated. My wife still doesn’t give me all of what we want in bed and I think that , my sex drive together w her leaving for short periods of time is the ‘triple whammy’ that gets me crossdressing - I get soothing -and sexual arousal.. but by myself :(.
@longlegsvb1 when I had my conversation I referenced much of that with my wife. she knows I don't get enough but she is not as sexual as I am. we both have agreed that's the situation. During the talk I did kinda say it takes the pressure off ya. lol Cheers RC
@longlegsvb1 I am the spouse of a CD/TV. When she told me, it was very early on in our relationship (about 2 or 3 weeks in. I understood that it was a deep dark secret that she struggled to share. At the time I didn't see it as a bad thing, and I still don't. It was just a part of who s/he is, and if I wanted to be with this person, I had to accept it.
I didn't have questions then, but as time went on, there were things within me that made me insecure about her dressing. Things like her wanting to be intimate with other t-girls/cd's, and her seeming to always want to be dressed. It took several years for me to reach the stage that I'm in now... fully accepting in the bedroom and out of it. Of course, we do have some boundaries, like:
1. Our grown kids can never know (her boundary, not mine)
2. Our professional lives can never find out
3. No girly things on our anniversary or my birthday
4. She's not allowed to wear ANY of my clothing
I think what helped me to be accepting was the ability to talk through whatever I was thinking and feeling with her. S/he has this uncanny ability to know me almost better than I know myself, and knows when I'm troubled about something, so will often take the lead to find out and dig into what's bothering me.
Fast forward to today, we are more bonded than ever, whether s/he's in girl mode or guy mode. I love our physical relationship with either persona, though she knows that my preference is for her to be "him" occasionally.
Your partner may never feel that she can talk about this to anyone, but as @bellaz76 had mentioned, she will always be welcome here and can talk to anyone on the spouse page. I didn't have that when Hubby and i were struggling, so am grateful. to have it now.
Because we don't know your wife, it's hard to say what she might do when you come out to her. I agree with what many have already stated here, about preparing for the conversation and thinking through how you will handle the fall out (if there is any).
When / if you decide to tell her, she needs to know that you'll always love her regardless of how long it takes for her to process the information you share with her. I needed to know that the dressing wasn't because of me, but because of the want to be like me. The other REALLY important thing to me was that I had to be reassured that there was no one else.
I often feel that if s/he had kept this secret, there would be a lot of psychological pain for her/him. I've come to understand that dressing is a way for her to relax after a very tough day, and is one of the few things (other than me) that bring her joy. Who am I to take that away from her?
I encourage you to tell your spouse as secrets aren't good for anyone... plus, if you keep suppressing this side of yourself, I worry that you'll be doing yourself a great disservice. It'a a facet of who you are. We weren't made to be one-dimensional.
My heart is with you, and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.
xx
@bellavonlace Thank you so much for that heart felt reply to my SOS. You gave me a lot to think through, feel through. It’s interesting you mention how sensitive and empathetic/sensing your husband is as his she. I feel being dressed and afterword I’m the same way, more open, more sensing, more sympathetic/empathetic. There is a lot going on w xdressing. I’ve read Carl Jung’s discussion of the males female/feminine subconscious of late, the Anima (woman have a subconscious male/masculine side too Animum I think he labeled it). I think that’s what we are tapping into.. which made me feel more normal, maybe we just have a direct line to access that side of us (after all we both have male and female genes he noted!).
Can I ask, how long have you two been married now?
thank you, thank you , thank you for writing me!
Can I ask also about a/he wanting to be w other XDressers and transgender MtF’s. How have you (and s/he) navigated that?
@longlegsvb1 We've been together for 24 years, and married for 15. As for her need to get together with other CDs/TVs. we talk about it openly first - what she might like to happen, with whom, etc. She has my permission to do whatever she likes, as long as it's safe. Her only ask of me is that I'm nearby in case she feels uncomfortable. She also prefers that I meet the other person with her, and then I usually will depart once I get the sense that she's more relaxed.
Many times, the other party wants me to stay and participate, and while I've done that once in the past, it's not my cup of tea. Now, Crystal makes it clear to the third party that if I want to participate, it's up to me.
I am totally okay with it, as I know that I can't give her "everything" that a CD/TV could.
Even in "guy mode" Crystal is very intuitive and empathetic... especially when it comes to me. As a Cancer, I've got this really tough shell that doesn't let anyone in, yet s/he is able to get into that and help sort me out.
Jung's Anima & Animus theory is spot on. Our subconscious taps into the opposite of what we present outwardly. It's a hidden gift that not many know how to leverage.
@bellavonlace thanks for ALL you are providing me. I’m also a Cancer - may be why as a guy it’s hard for me to access emotions - and even access my desires whereas w Anima it’s much more easy/open and available!
hugs!
@longlegsvb1 Was just perusing the site and articles, and if you haven't seen this one yet, you might find it helpful...
@longlegsvb1 Well most have touched on things I’d say but I like to add that you should reassure her that she is still enough of a woman for you. My wife did take it well but yes there has been up and downs about the subject. She has asked a few times if part of the reason I dress is because she isn’t enough of a woman for me. I always let her know that she is plenty enough of a woman for me. After many talks and explaining my story of being so confused about the urges to wear pantyhose to start and such at a very young age with no where to turn, no internet. I think it helped her realize that this must have been so hard on me and did thank for me sharing such a deep secret with her. It was rooted in me well before us meeting so it had nothing to do with her.
@longlegsvb1 It's the most scary situation ever. I couldn't do it, I tried many times to tell her and was just to worried. We were married for a year and then she found me messaging other CDs online, nothing dodgy just sharing pics of outfits and talking about experiences. This was THE Worst way she could have found out. I thought I'd lost her and she automatically assumed I was cheating on her. Luckily I was able to persuade her that I've crossdressed since a young age and that nobody in whole world knows. She is fine with me doing it, I think she would prefer if I didn't. She doesn't want anything to do with it or to know about it or anything which is difficult in itself but at least she is OK with me doing it in private.
Imo don't make my mistake, just tell her. Dont ever force it onto her though, if she's happy for you to carry on doing it and not involve her then I feel that's enough of a compromise.
All the best with it xx
@nancy1796 thank you for sharing Nancy, and I’m glad your situation has worked out to at least be amicable.
hugs for sharing!
Billie
@longlegsvb1 i came out to my wife. She is now my x wife. I'm better for it now. But I lost half of everything money wise. Buckle up. I would have kept it to myself, much cheaper.
@michellegirl good to know - and here of. Sorry about what happened with her.. and your moneys too - unless your happier now? For me, I couldn’t stand losing my wife - I love her completely and utterly.. she’s my best friend too - my true partner.
@longlegsvb1 This is a tough situation. But honesty is the best policy.
My wife and myself found out just how much I enjoyed dressing accidentally (I guess). I enjoyed wearing racier things to bed. She liked that. Then those things became lacier. No problem there either. Then we both thought it would be fun to wear matching lingerie, and.. boom. We had The Talk.
I adore this woman, and would never ever want to hurt her. I’m lucky: She doesn’t understand the Pink Fog, but she accepts that I can’t deny this dimension of my personality either.
See it from her perspective: she’s been a woman from Day One, complete with menstrual cycles, the resulting illnesses, and an overbearing patriarchy. For most bio women, clothing and makeup are just a daily damn chore. So she doesn’t get why anyone would want to do this.
But she accepts that I need to let things happen once in a while. She just doesn’t want to see it. She has agreed to couples therapy just in case, however, because we both want to understand it.
The big difference? Honesty.
She knows I’m still the same guy she married. I just harbor something.. different. Not bad, just different. A little more. We’ve always been up front with each other, & it’s made our relationship stronger.
Would I love for us to be girlfriends too? Sure. But we’re not there yet. Whenever she feels ready, great. Not until then.
Yes, everything could fall apart around you. But deceit only makes things worse.
@shannonhyde thanks so much for sharing your story and discussing honesty vs deceit. At least it’s in the open. Do you just tell her you feel the need coming on and then she gives you time alone to dress? Or you do it in a separate space in the house? How’s that work, as she’s not comfortable with it? Thank you for anything more you are willing to share - and for your post!
@longlegsvb1 I try not to be selfish about it. I feel the urge a lot, but we also have a teenage daughter, who can never know. So while my wife can accommodate, I have no idea when the kid might return home. Fortunately, she’s very very busy as a high school junior, has a boyfriend, and doesn’t like to hang around the house much.
Whenever my wife takes a trip, even for three or four hours, I get my chance. Now, she has offered to let me use our TV room, which is on its own floor in our house and has its own bathroom. I’m not 100% on board, because its door, unlike our bedroom door, doesn’t have a lock. (“Hey Dad…”) So when both of them are gone, that’s my chance for a few hours. Walking through the house with the click of my heels is awesome.
Recently my wife flew to visit her parents for five days, and school was in session. I work from home, so you know what happened every day from 7am to 2pm. 😊 I haven’t decided which is more distracting: thinking about dressing while I work, or enjoying being dressed while I work.
She had a camping trip cancelled today 😕, so I might hit a thrift shop for some retail therapy. But more chances are on the way.
I told my wife very early on in our relationship, years before we got married. She thought she could handle it, she couldn't, and it has caused us both sadness every since. As risky as it may be, you probably need to get the truth out there. But also be prepared for your world to come crashing down.
@cardigangirl thank you for your openness and willingness to offer your life experience to me. Can I ask, have you found another woman willing to share your xdressing with?
In my case no. My wife and I are going through a rough spot, not specifically for the crossdressing, but neither does it help. I honestly feel we won't come out the other side of this. I mention this last bit because it makes me wonder if I should dream of having a woman who would embrace my feminine side. I'm 58, so maybe not as hopeful as I might have been a few decades ago. I've never had that many girlfriends, and I try to be a transparent person, so most of them have known my secret. Some of them didn't worry about it and found it a bit of fun, probably because we weren't serious enough way back then, and some of them just tolerated it. Unfortunately, no one embraced the idea. However, people have become more open-minded about this stuff in the years since I was last dating, so fingers crossed...
@cardigangirl - thanks so much for the insights of the trails and tribulations of this seeming tightrope: do you be open and risk everything and have a big change at a minimum; or stay in the closet frustrated w everything staying as it is. It’s truly a personal decision, as is the SOs response.. even trust may not bridge the gulf as that has also gone thru an earthquake. Thanks again
The only thing I have always had in my favour is that I've always mentioned it early on. Otherwise, you're building a relationship built at least partly on a lie. And that's always going to bring a downside. But hiding it is maintaining the lie. So, sooner rather than later, disclosure is better. But know that you are playing a high-stakes game. It's generally a wonderful win or a catastrophic loss. I know this for a non-crossdressing recent event in my life, which I'm not sure I'll ever really fully recover from. I also know that if I had the choice to relive it all I'd have to take the same decisions, there was no other way. Huge good wishes and luck whichever way you decide to play it. If you want to send me a direct message anytime, feel free.
@cardigangirl do you feel that the other risk you took is an outgrowth of the crossdressing - in that crossdressing is itself a risk-adventure type of experience? Or was the other thing you did an outgrowth of other troubles your having (either w your spouse, or a habit/addiction that’s been lurking around)? It’s interesting that the xdressing doesn’t eliminate all other issues isn’t it? It’s gratifying and repulsing, but it’s also like a chimera, wonderful while it lasts and then the rest of one’s life re-emerges after the fun ends. If you wanna talk in personal messaging instead on this thread just direct message me.
big hugs!
Billie
@longlegsvb1 My recent life-changing event happened, I now see, because my marriage hasn't been healthy for a long time. I fell in love with a friend whom I've known for years. I feel if my marriage had been healthy, I would have been happy for my relationship with my friend to remain platonic. At the end of the day, it has remained platonic, but because that's how she wants it, otherwise I'd have pulled out of my marriage, and I am still assessing if there's any sense in staying in my marriage. Now, while my marriage is not ideal is down to various things, of which my not being able to express my feminine side is only one. Indeed, crossdressing is an extra we all have, but life happens with or without it. I am currently at a crossroads, or maybe a motorway junction, but either way, there are decisions to be made. Marriage salvageable? Save it. Or leave it. And then look for another girl. Or don't. Because I am kinda old these days. Maybe dress more. Or keep it hidden. I'm well screwed up these days. I have realised at 58 what real love is, in this case it's unrequited, and I don't know how to take all that on board. And we can direct message, yes.
The first time my wife found out I was home alone and got drunk while dressed. She came home and I was waiting for her on the couch in a dress. I was drunk and thought it was a good idea. It wasn't. She was pissed. I got dressed in my normal clothes and played it off as a joke and we were OK
A few years later I started talking about it again. She was more receptive about it. Then one day we were shoe shopping for her and she picked out a pair of heels, asking if I liked them. I said, "Those are so pretty I'd wear them." She looked at me funny and said, "Go ahead. Get a pair"
Ever since then she's been OK with it. She doesn't exactly like it, but she knows there are far worse things I could be doing, so she deals with it, accepts it, goes with me when I sneak out in a dress, and even buys me girl clothes on occasion
@kapt thanks so much for this response - this is helpful to know over time there’s a chance for some form of acceptance. Can I ask: has she set boundaries w you dressing? Like not while she’s home? Not in the bedroom when romance is involved?
@longlegsvb1 Her boundaries are:
1) Don't purposely show her 87 year old mother (we live with her and take care of her)
2) Don't ever let the kids/grandkids catch me
3) The only time it is acceptable to go out in public like that is Halloween
I have to admit I have zero issues with these boundaries. I'd like to go out in public more, but this is a small town, so I keep it limited to Halloween and Milkshake Night
As far as the bedroom goes, sometimes she likes it, other times she asks me to take it off before we get busy
While you have obvious trepidations / fears about how all of this can go wrong, it may help you if you take a pause now, to think about things longer, make plans to deal with her reactions, read more. There are lots of reveal stories here on CDH, and books.
You should be ready to reassure her that you are not gay, that you are not planning on ending your marriage, that you plan on supporting her in any way that you can. Be prepared for the usual questions.
Another thing to be ready for is retaliation. She may be angry enough to start spreading gossip. This can have serious ramifications, so you must convince her that she would be doing it just to hurt you and that there is no taking it back once she lets the cat out of the bag. Another thing to watch for is her sneaking taking pictures of you when dressed or of your stash and you don't know it. This shows a complete lack of trust and respect for your relationship and other friendships.
You seem to have some concerns that are deeply serious, so caution now may save heartache later. Please keep us up to date on how this goes. And don't forget that there is a private sub-forum where she could discuss things with other spouses, if she feels open to such a group.
Feel free to discuss what you want to do in this thread. Finger crossed!
@harriette thank you Harriette, yes I have time to think. Thankfully she’s not the gossip or revenge type of girl. I worry she won’t have anyone to talk to about it other than me - but then I want her talking to me about it. I wonder if this is my way of forcing a more intimate discussion w her about my sexual desires. The last round of that w a counselor lead to me explaining what I wanted in the bedroom, but didn’t lead to much change in her willingness to provide me certain joys.
Hey Billie,
I recently came out to my wife. She knew obviously but didn’t know the extent of my dressing, so within the last month or so I told her everything. It felt great to share something so intimate but at the same time I felt embarrassed and ashamed.
I’ve had a lot of time to reflect and I have nothing to be embarrassed about. I love who I am. My wife is very supportive and I am so lucky to have her. I am who I am and you are right, whatever pushes us to dress will never go away, so you have to you assess your situation.
I wish the best for you girl and just know we are all here to support you. This is such a great sisterhood.
Thank you so much Brianna for sharing your story - I truly appreciate it very much!!
Brianna - if you don’t mind me asking - how old are you now? How long have you been married? When did you start xdressing? Thank you for any info you are willing to share!
hugs,
Billie
@longlegsvb1 Hey Billie I don’t mind at all. I’m 40 and have been married for about 3.5 years. I have been cross dressing since I was probably 10 years old, and only within the last 2 years have I decided to take it seriously (doing more head to toe transformations, shaving my legs, etc).
At the end of May I’ll hopefully be going to my first CD event in DC, which will be the first time going out in public dressed. I’m so ready. It has taken me along time to accept myself and that Brianna is a part of who I am. I’m proud to be a crossdresser, and I’m so proud to have such a progressive wife who supports me in this journey.
This site is such a wonderful and validating place for us girls, I’m so grateful.
Hi Billie nice to meet you. Like others in this posting I am reluctant to provide advice on this matter since it is very unique to each relationship dynamic. But I am not at all reluctant to share my story with my wife. I have been dressing to some extent since I was 6 or 7. I have been married for 52 years. Like lots of us I was ashamed of my desires and tried numerous times to deny it and quit. But as we know the desire never leaves. When my wife would travel I would dress and enjoy my passion thinking I was so careful and cleaver. Well soon enough I got careless and left a picture of me dressed on our computer and my wife found it. Whew,.. this is not the way to let your wife know you dress. After a heart wrenching discussion (which she was more concerned about me being gay) We end up in "Don't ask don't tell". For several years this was OK. But eventually she was not happy with us not discussing my desires. And we enter the second round of the big talk. Well this was even harder but I admit the best thing we ever did. Her fears were grounded in not really knowing what my desires were, why I had the desire and to what extent I needed it. After the last talk I became more open and honest. She asked many questions and we now have better understanding and there are boundaries I follow. I would say one of the things she came to understand was when she did not know I was dressing I remained the good person she knew and loved. Now that she knew I was a crossdresser did not change that I remained a good person. We share common things like a love of shoes and we do each others nails. We shop together and always have fun. She knows I need time to dress and she is supportive. I know I am very lucky. No longer having to hide this desire is the best thing that has ever happened to me and my wife.
Best wishes to your and your spouse for finding the right path for both of you.
@teri-ray thank you so much Teri-Ray, I really appreciate you sharing this with me, it’s very helpful and thank you for being so open about how things happened initially and the two talks.
hugs,
Billie
