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After dressing during my teen years, I no longer felt the need until it returned with a vengeance. I was very fortunate that my wife accepted my dressing although within strict limits. I was in the fortunate position of being able dress when I needed to. Generally speaking, she did not want me to go out. There was an exception which I forgot in the many beautiful and emotional memories of her final years. I shall talk about that later.
It is now four years since she passed away and in that time I have been out when I can transform away from home and even gone out briefly with friends and even spoken to complete strangers when out with friends on one occasion as Janet.
There has however been one last impenetrable barrier, my front door. I have neighbours in their eighties in nineties who spend their time looking out their windows which overlook the front door the building and front area. Fear of disapproval and negative reactions have been powerful.
Recently my frustration with this has grown. I found out given the age of most of my neighbours early morning and late evening are very quiet. Finally, one morning I decided to experiment with going out as a genetically modified Janet! No wig, hood up and no hose and long coat to cover the dress. The ensemble was completed with running shoes and out I went. I met one jogger who on seeing me massively increased his speed as clearly decided that something that goes bump in the night was out!
The morning of 9 December dawned. Nest step, women’s clothing but jeans. I went out for long walk and then came home. It was time for operation wig! Hood up and out in a wig for some five seconds. The wig was a game changer, peeping out from under my hood it told I could do this.
I got home and showered and as usual spent the day as Janet. All day a feeling was building in my that I should take final step and go out. At 9pm I put the same hooded coat on and some low heels, I got outside the door and aborted the mission! Five minutes later Janet failure at the door occurred again!
At this point something rather beautiful happened. A memory, buried by all events in the final years of my wife’s life came back of an early morning when my wife was still alive and me taking the garbage downstairs in a pink floral nightgown came back together with her saying to me that if anyone said anything they could mind their own business. She might have inserted another word before business! Somehow I had forgotten that in the last year of her life this had been something of a morning ritual. A surge of self-belief rushed through me.
The coat went back on, the door opened, and I was walking down the stairs and was out in the rain on a slippery, sloping suburban driveway. (careful Janet!) Visions of the perfect rhythmic feminine click of heels vanished as I forced myself to stay calm and walk carefully. After I short walk I turned back towards my building, the adrenaline rush caused me to take a wrong turning into the garbage area but after a hasty course correction I was back upstairs and in my apartment, but I had left the cocoon of the crossdresser chrysalis in which I had lingered for too long.
@janetw Janet you are literally my favourite person .... I will not lie here I had tears in my eyes reading this , particularly considering the connection we have formed the past few months and having gone through this with you (virtually) from what you have shared about Carol I imagine she's having so much fun looking down on you and daring you to do more - but mainly to be happy 😊
This post has made my year, you are so brave and so amazing and you really are a unique and wonderful woman and I so very much appreciate you in our lives 😍
Go, Janet!
Congratulations, girl, and thanks for this, your joy is infectious. It's brilliant that your dear wife can still inspire you and, like Laura, I feel the emotion in your telling.
I just said, as I often do, in a welcome to a new member, that this place enables real life changes and here you are demonstrating exactly that.
I look forward to hearing more.
Allie x
@alexina Thank you so much Allie, I do owe this place my deepest gratitude and an especial thanks to those of you who work as Ambassadors to make it all possible.
Janet x
Thanks for saying so, Janet. So many of us owe so much to this amazing community and I'm sure the other ambassadors will agree that what we do is a labour of love.
Allie x
@janetw Janet I’m so happy for you. In chatting with you for months now, maybe years, I never knew that we also had a lock on our front door in common. We each have neighbors that we can’t encounter, but you have overcome it by taking your late wife’s advice and letting you be in control of them instead of the other way around.
I think on my case it would probably be easier leaving than coming back. At least leaving, I can just turn around and head back through the door.
but in any event I’m so proud of you, I know you’ll have a nice time getting out. I hope you get out with some friends too, it’s so much more fun.
@jennconn Thank you so much Jennifer! I certainly intend to go out with friends as it is far more fun than alone.
Thank you so much for sharing that with us all. It gave me real pleasure to be able to read your story and I thought it was wonderful that it was the memories of your wife that inspired you and spurred you on.
I loved the step-by-step approach to building your confidence; in the end, did you amaze yourself that it took so few steps to get there! It is so liberating to be able to go out and be yourself - I can see that this will soon be the new normal for you.
I can totally echo the experiences that Cerys Burton recounts. I have never, so far, encountered anyone who has taken exception to my en-femme presentation, and I have found myself to be totally unfazed by interacting with the most unlikely folk whilst crossdressed. Even this morning I found myself fully en-femme chatting with the workmen who arrived to take up and re-lay my block drive; what I was wearing seemed to be totally irrelevant.
So, out of the chrysalis, and the beautiful butterfly can extend her wings. You go for it girl!
Rebecca x
@fembecky Thank you so much Rebecca, I find it so encouraging that you and others such as Cerys have shared positive experiences of interacting with others while in female mode. It really helps build confidence for the future.
Janet x
Thank you so much Laura! You have inspired me and it is wonderful to see the love you and Victoria share based on loving and wonderful acceptance.
😍
'Operation wig', lol.
I find the wig to be the greatest asset when it comes to giving myself confidence to go out. It hides a multitude of sins: facial shape; big ears; and, viewed from the side, thin lips. If you think you're being clocked and it concerns you, then turn away and your hair hides you in plain sight leaving them wondering if they really saw anything untoward.
The wig is the last thing I put on when dressing and the sense of womanhood is complete as soon as it settles into place.
Becca
I think you are right Becca and thank you, I have been amazed at the fundamental change a wig effects in my appearance. I had not however thought of it in this way for going out so I am grateful you raised this.
Janet
This is great!
The thing about neighbours is that they can only find out once. If they see you, that's it. The secret is out. What are they going to do? A secret that is out has no power. Most of the power of secrets is in your head. When a secret stops being a secret, YOU have the power.
If your neighbours don't like like, tough. It's your life. If you are friends with your neighbours talk to them.
I'm lucky that I get on well with my neighbours. When I decided to stop hiding, I allowed myself to get seen by my neighbours. A couple I talked to directly. Others I let them thunk about what they saw before chatting with them a few days later.
When out and about, if people clock me, and I'm sure that they do, they tend to keep their thoughts to themselves. When I interact with people directly, it's obvious that I'm a man, but no one ever says anything negative. I often find myself chatting with people about me, what I am, and how I've learnt not to worry, and to carry on. I get the occasional wobble, where my confidence drops, but as I've written about a couple do days ago, I get up, put on my best Cerys and get out there.
The more you get out, the more "normal" it becomes. I think nothing about going into busy places as Cerys. Sometimes, I forget how I'm presenting. It gets easier with every step through the front door.
Cerys
The more you get out, the more "normal" it becomes. I think nothing about going into busy places as Cerys. Sometimes, I forget how I'm presenting. It gets easier with every step through the front door.
Basical, this is what I am trying to do - condition the masses in public spaces. Get them used to me, but I still have to be careful around our home. My wife is not ready for everyone to know.
@dazzler Thank you so for this Cerys, I had not thought about what you said about secrets before but it makes sense and really helps.
Janet
Janet, I am with you so much, I have been there so many times. But the important thing is you need to be out in the world as your true self. I found that accepting my true self, what ever that was, ending up being the turning point.... At some point in you life you need to accept who you really are. When you have got to that point, you need to step out of the door and be you... The truth, in my experience, is that very few people even take any notice of you. It might be slightly different in your location, but your neighbours opinion of you is of little importance, will it really make that much difference, if they are decent people they will support you or at worst just take no notice..... At the end of the day be your true self and you will feel benefits you could have never imagined....
@andreauk Thank you Andrea, self acceptance is so important and being yourself the way to peace.
Janet
Janet, what a lovely story. I'm thrilled (and jealous) at your progress. You know I love your dress collection and I bet you looked great xx.
@chrisfp99 Thank you so much for the lovely compliments, I have read your profile and so much the time will come when you can spend significant time as Chrissie.
Janet xx
Janet -
How wonderful for you, I'm very happy for you that you've had that experience. Continue to enjoy getting out and about.
XOXO
Suzanne
Thank you so much Suzanne
Janet xx
Beautiful, poignant story Janet. The part about your wife was truly moving. A reminder that the little moments in life are ultimately the most memorable.
GP
That is so true Grace and thank you so much!
Janet
