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Riding an emotional rollercoaster

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Posts: 74
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Topic starter
(@Anonymous 94586)
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Joined: 1 year ago

Today was another ride on the emotional rollercoaster. Everything feels so intense right now. Maybe because I bottled it up so long. I am both thrilled and frightened about being Cassie. Today I shaved my legs again, got dressed, and finally got up the courage to buy a wig, bodystockings, and a special toy online. The joy I felt was almost immediately replaced by guilt. I can't seem to stop myself from trying on my SO's things. All I can think about is doing more shopping for more of my own things. I spent an hour last night looking at sports bras online. In addition to clothes, I am now obsessing about getting earrings, a necklace, an anklet, lipstick, and nail polish. It's like a 24 hour news channel I can't turn off in my head. This weekend my SO talked about a friend who's SO had been doing a lot of nasty / mean things behind their back, and told me she appreciated me for always being honest. It knocked me for a loop, as here I am being closeted and doing things -- albeit not "nasty" or "mean" -- behind her back.

Thanks to CDH for this forum to share thoughts like this...it is my only outlet at the moment. I'm looking into a local support group to help deal with these feelings. I know many of you have experienced / are experiencing similar struggles. Thanks for reading and I welcome any thoughts or advice.

Hugs, Cassie

 

 

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17 Replies
Ambassador
(@alexina)
Joined: 1 year ago

Illustrious Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Posts: 2192

@cassiesccd Hi, Cassie, I recently accepted Allie as just as much a real part of me as all the other me's and I'm so much happier for it. Like you, though, I did splurge quite a bit on shoes, dresses, skirts, etc, but also jewellery now because I want to look and feel good about myself, for myself. Also like you, I bought a few things that I've kept hidden from my wife, a bra, false nails and, yes, a small "toy" out of curiosity. I'll keep the nails but, each to their own, having tried the bra and toy, they're now gone. I too, felt guilt about keeping secrets but don't ever feel guilty about exploring who you are. I'm with Socrates on that one, an unexamined life.....❤️

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Guest
(@Anonymous 94586)
Joined: 1 year ago

Trusted Member
Posts: 74

@alexina Thanks Allie. Your last line particularly resonates. Hugs, Cassie

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Ambassador
(@jacquelinelarkspur)
Joined: 1 year ago

Famed Member     Gateshead, Tyne and Wear, United Kingdom
Posts: 1497

@cassiesccd 

Hi Cassie,

I know exactly where you're coming from when you describe yourself as obsessing. I do it too, with new hobbies and interests... and yes, with my crossdressing as well.

I think obsessing is high in the early stages, when the urge is strong and at its most compelling. It could be taken as an excess of enthusiasm for something new, when it's all you want to think about.

Crossdressing goes in peaks and troughs for many of us. We can sometimes live happily enough without it for a while, then the urge hits us and we're riding the wave again, enthusiasm renewed.

Just give it time. The peak feelings will settle down, and you'll become more able to think of other things.

I would suggest a note of caution about the financial side - you mentioned buying various femme items. We as crossdressers need those things in order to do what we do, but please guard against buying them for buying's sake. I mean this advice kindly.

I'd also recommend you try not to borrow your SO's clothing. Chances are she will notice, sooner or later, that something isn't quite in the position she left it. That's when the questions are asked.

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Ambassador
(@alexina)
Joined: 1 year ago

Illustrious Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Posts: 2192

@jacquelinelarkspur Spot on, Jacqueline, I am the same in other areas of my life, especially since retiring and discovering that I have disposable income! I have considered uninstalling ebay and Vinted but where's the fun in that 😊 x

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Guest
(@Anonymous 94586)
Joined: 1 year ago

Trusted Member
Posts: 74

@jacquelinelarkspur Thanks for your insights and the great advice. Hugs, Cassie

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Lady
(@jwhite)
Joined: 1 year ago

Reputable Member     Fort Collins, Colorado, United States of America
Posts: 159

@jacquelinelarkspur LOL at wearing wife’s clothes, I'd break them if I tried to put them on.

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Lady
(@celestecd)
Joined: 4 years ago

Reputable Member     Colorado, United States of America
Posts: 210

@cassiesccd Cassie, yes I have experienced similar waves.  Welcome to the thick pink fog.   It is fun and exciting in the thick of it.  Like others have mentioned I have found it to become more manageable over time.  Window shopping certainly helps as does going for a walk - for me at least.  If you are ever needing to just vent so to speak - so that you are not just wrestling with it in your head - feel free to reach out.  Happy to listen so you can clear your mind.

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(@tubbydullard)
Joined: 2 years ago

Honorable Member     Citrus hills, Florida, United States of America
Posts: 333

@celestecd yes, agree with you. When needed just reach out to us girls, who understand and support you.

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Guest
(@Anonymous 94586)
Joined: 1 year ago

Trusted Member
Posts: 74

@tubbydullard Thanks Stephanie. Hugs, Cassie

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Guest
(@Anonymous 94586)
Joined: 1 year ago

Trusted Member
Posts: 74

@celestecd Thanks for the kind reply, Celeste. Hugs, Cassie

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Duchess
(@missylinda)
Joined: 2 years ago

Noble Member     Ft Worth, Texas, United States of America
Posts: 848

@cassiesccd as usual, JJ summed it up well.  I would add that if, and when you have the “talk”,  do not surprise her , like walking in the room dressed.  Choose your time, place, at set a relaxed atmosphere.  Answer her questions openly and do not lie.  Be prepared to deal with her emotion.  Love can conquer even this bump in the road.  In the end you know her better than anyone.  I agree, do not use her stuff until she gives permission.  Remember, the more you buy, the more you have to hide.  Best wishes. Lorraine

 

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Guest
(@Anonymous 94586)
Joined: 1 year ago

Trusted Member
Posts: 74

@missylinda Thanks Lorraine for your advice. Appreciate you taking the time. Hugs, Cassie

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Baroness
(@river)
Joined: 1 year ago

Noble Member     New Hampshire, United States of America
Posts: 827

@cassiesccd Intense and roller-coaster are perfect descriptions of what many of us deal with daily. Im sitting on the couch watching hockey with my wife and dogs and all I can think about is what am I going to buy the next time she goes to visit her mom.  as we are repressed as men , it builds and builds then you get the opportunity and let it all out.  then all your left with is guilt. depression and purging. then it starts again.  One thing i read when I finally had to tell my SO was something you touched on about being honest.  it was from the wife of a CD on another support site I forget the site but she said she needed to know and it was unfair for him to keep it from her. that resonated with me. but I was afraid of divorce as I love her to no end. and was so ashamed.. another thing I said to her that you touched on was the feminine side of me is why im that guy you love and trust. we are more sensitive to their needs and more respectful and understanding. I have learned over the years to try not to give advise just share my experiences and hopefully something positive can be gained from them . I sincerely hope all your pleasant dreams come true. Take care RC

 

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Guest
(@Anonymous 94586)
Joined: 1 year ago

Trusted Member
Posts: 74

@river Thanks for sharing River. Really appreciate it. Hugs, Cassie

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(@tubbydullard)
Joined: 2 years ago

Honorable Member     Citrus hills, Florida, United States of America
Posts: 333

@river dear afraid of divorce; 

Me experience is every time i.am afraid, IF, THEN will happen, I finally saw, that was a time for me to grow and open to truth.and possibilities. My SO,  is now trusting.& supportive & I hide no more !

Thanks

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Baroness
(@river)
Joined: 1 year ago

Noble Member     New Hampshire, United States of America
Posts: 827

@tubbydullard If then else do you happen to be a programmer as well  ? 😉 I as well was very lucky my wife was fine with it and we can discuss it freely.  what a great relief.  and exhale.. Giggle Thanks for the reply RC

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(@tubbydullard)
Joined: 2 years ago

Honorable Member     Citrus hills, Florida, United States of America
Posts: 333

@river no programmer,university professor.

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Posts: 28
Lady
(@laurensp)
Trusted Member     Delaware, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

I felt guilty at first when ordering online but now I just do it (I just bought a sweater jacket and a long sleeve top; I have my eye on a few items for spring).  You'll probably get there too.  It just takes time. Granted I don't have an SO to worry about.  That makes things easier.  Sometimes I get the "You're nuts for doing this" feeling but it passes because I like doing this.  Just feels right for me. Best Regards, Lauren

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Guest
(@Anonymous 94586)
Joined: 1 year ago

Trusted Member
Posts: 74

@laurensp Thanks for sharing your experience Lauren.

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(@tubbydullard)
Joined: 2 years ago

Honorable Member     Citrus hills, Florida, United States of America
Posts: 333

@laurensp 

Feels right, just trust feelings. You'll like you better if u do !

Xo

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Posts: 2172
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Famed Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Well, the obvious answer is to not do that behind her back. Be honest and have a heartfelt talk with her. You are not the first or only person to have this issue, and you can either continue your deception with the very real fear she will find out, and a lot of women do especially if you are wearing her things, or you can have the "talk". She most likely will accept it with certain limits, totally blow up and you go back into hiding, or she will accept it but not want any part of it and you are in a DADT situation, which is still better than deception.

There are many posts here about just this, and we all have different responses from our spouses. Mine has known for the start and is fine with me dressing. Her attitude is "They are just clothes".she would be fine if I never dressed again, but she knows I enjoy it so she is fine.

Though I have never done consueling if we had issues I would do it in a heartbeat. Most women are just not very familiar with CDing, and just need to be educated. I came out to my female cousin a while ago and she was fascinated about it and asked a lot of questions. She is now familiar with the thought, reasons and emotions about it, and I do not doubt that if her husband wanted to try it she would be fine.

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Guest
(@Anonymous 94586)
Joined: 1 year ago

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Posts: 74

@jjandme Thank you for the thoughtful reply. Hugs, Cassie

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Posts: 2172
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Famed Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

You are welcome, and good luck with whatever you do. I feel sad for those who do not have supportive SOs, or at least are in a DADT situation.

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