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Today was another ride on the emotional rollercoaster. Everything feels so intense right now. Maybe because I bottled it up so long. I am both thrilled and frightened about being Cassie. Today I shaved my legs again, got dressed, and finally got up the courage to buy a wig, bodystockings, and a special toy online. The joy I felt was almost immediately replaced by guilt. I can't seem to stop myself from trying on my SO's things. All I can think about is doing more shopping for more of my own things. I spent an hour last night looking at sports bras online. In addition to clothes, I am now obsessing about getting earrings, a necklace, an anklet, lipstick, and nail polish. It's like a 24 hour news channel I can't turn off in my head. This weekend my SO talked about a friend who's SO had been doing a lot of nasty / mean things behind their back, and told me she appreciated me for always being honest. It knocked me for a loop, as here I am being closeted and doing things -- albeit not "nasty" or "mean" -- behind her back.
Thanks to CDH for this forum to share thoughts like this...it is my only outlet at the moment. I'm looking into a local support group to help deal with these feelings. I know many of you have experienced / are experiencing similar struggles. Thanks for reading and I welcome any thoughts or advice.
Hugs, Cassie
I felt guilty at first when ordering online but now I just do it (I just bought a sweater jacket and a long sleeve top; I have my eye on a few items for spring). You'll probably get there too. It just takes time. Granted I don't have an SO to worry about. That makes things easier. Sometimes I get the "You're nuts for doing this" feeling but it passes because I like doing this. Just feels right for me. Best Regards, Lauren
Well, the obvious answer is to not do that behind her back. Be honest and have a heartfelt talk with her. You are not the first or only person to have this issue, and you can either continue your deception with the very real fear she will find out, and a lot of women do especially if you are wearing her things, or you can have the "talk". She most likely will accept it with certain limits, totally blow up and you go back into hiding, or she will accept it but not want any part of it and you are in a DADT situation, which is still better than deception.
There are many posts here about just this, and we all have different responses from our spouses. Mine has known for the start and is fine with me dressing. Her attitude is "They are just clothes".she would be fine if I never dressed again, but she knows I enjoy it so she is fine.
Though I have never done consueling if we had issues I would do it in a heartbeat. Most women are just not very familiar with CDing, and just need to be educated. I came out to my female cousin a while ago and she was fascinated about it and asked a lot of questions. She is now familiar with the thought, reasons and emotions about it, and I do not doubt that if her husband wanted to try it she would be fine.
You are welcome, and good luck with whatever you do. I feel sad for those who do not have supportive SOs, or at least are in a DADT situation.