So ... I just told my Mum

Hi, I totally respect what you did. For me, I never told my mother, but she found certain items of clothing, and also caught me dressed in tights on at least one occasion. She unfortunately passed away suddenly a year ago, and although we never spoke about it, I know that she knew I was a crossdresser. Never have regrets.

Thank you Katie

I really don't know what compelled me to tell Mum when I did. However I strongly suspect that, albeit unconsciously, I didn't want a future me to be left wondering what her reaction would have been.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Big hugs

Ellie x

Hi DeeAnn

I am totally with you on this. I would never, ever have had this discussion in any way other than face to face with my Mum.

No matter how well you know someone there is always going to be that fear of rejection, and in my account I underplayed how cripplingly terrified I was that the outcome might be a bad one. Even so, it was something that HAD to be done with me and Mum face to face across a table.

I can understand that some people might prefer to avoid this sort of one-to-one situation, purely because the mere thought of it paralyses you with fear. Hence the sending of a text, or the writing of a letter. Personally, I wouldn't judge those people at all. Everyone's circumstances are different. But it isn't something that I could do!

Ellie x

There is an old saying:

If you want friends, then you have to be a friend.

Similarly, for the people that we want in our lives, friends, family, co-workers, et al, we have to invest in them; invest our time and our energies. They have to feel that they are with us and we have to feel that we are with them. When you put a layer of abstraction between people, such as communicating indirectly, it doesn’t help the relationship that you have or would like to have. Unfortunately, electrons are very impersonal. They don’t convey the subtlety of human existence. You can’t observe body language. You can’t hear differences in inflection, cadence or emphasis.

I don’t remember the exact numbers, but there is a statistic that says over 60% of US citizens know someone gay. For trans people, that number is around 30%. It is much easier to dislike, not care about and not support people that we don’t know. When we tell our truth in an abstract, non-contact sort of way, it doesn’t provide a reason for people to come together, but that is what is needed.

I may have misunderstood. You stated ", I like women. And before you ask, that doesn’t mean I want to be one’."

Do I correctly understand that, in fact you believe you ARE one?

Thanks Aurora

I was paralysed with fear, but forced myself to get the words out. And, as my follow-up post shows, I'm so glad that I did!

Hugs

Ellie x

Hi Rhonda

The context here was that I had just told my Mum that I'm a lifelong crossdresser. She's 85, and might have thought that a) because I dress as a woman I might be sexually attracted to men and b) because I dress as a woman I might want to transition to become one.

I was attempting to pre-empt both questions, getting in quickly so as to steer her away from any misconceptions.

As it happens, I self identify as female. I call myself Ellie; it isn't simply a femme name used on CDH. A week after the initial conversation I was able to explain this to my Mun and sister.

BUT ... it doesn't follow that because I self-identify as female I believe that I AM a woman. No matter how much I might feel like a woman inside, I'm clearly NOT one. But that's okay. Thankfully, I don't suffer from gender dysphoria and I'm happy in my own skin.

The closest 'label' for me is transfeminine (definition: of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity is partially or fully feminine and differs from the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth).

Ellie x

This is all so true! I grew up with a strong anti-gay bias surrounding me from my parents. I had a gay friend in high school -- did not even know it-- but was told I should not associate with him. I still don't know if he was gay, only that he liked wearing his sister's sweaters, which people even now associate with being gay. I just learned last night from a close friend of a daughter that I am considered gay by my family and that is likely why my wife left... unbelievable! Anyway, when I found my femme side I opened up to trying to befriend and understand gay people I had long felt aversion toward. I realized I could not do this effectively without getting to know them, so joined the MCC and became close friends with many who are gay. That was an eye-opener for me, as was meeting other crossdressers! My assumptions were blown sky high... nowhere close to being accurate. One truly DOES need to interact on a personal level to be a friend or even have any understanding of issues such as this. Exchanging texts or reading literature, or examining from ivory towers gets you nowhere but deeper into the foggy swamp.

Hi Connie

If you've read my follow-up post, you'll know that the entire week will always be a precious memory.

I am a very, very lucky girl.

Hugs

Ellie x

When we say we "self-identify" it can be confusing to the listener. I believe I self-identify as male, no matter how dressed. By that I am trying to convey the fact that I am male even though I often present as female and prefer being addressed by a female name and pronouns when I do. Who I am is different than how I may present. This differs from transsexuals who believe they ARE women, even if they have not physically transitioned. They would say "I am a woman in a man's body." Given these are tough concepts to convey even within our own transgender community, it is easy to see how everyone else in the world finds all of this hard to understand. As a result, others come to their own conclusions, often wrong, labeling us gay or lesbian even though the vast majority of CDs are heterosexual, or assuming we will transition (wouldn't this be a fair assumption if we identify as female but have a male body?). The best way to understand this I have found is to refer to the "genderbred person" pictorials... see "itspronouncedmetrosexual.com." That model distinguishes between various aspects of sexuality... biological, gender identity, gender presentation, and sexual attraction, all distinctly different, all on a spectrum.

I personally avoid using the term "transgender" to describe myself to those not in the community, since they will likely jump to false conclusions. I tend to avoid loaded terms to be better understood, if it matters. To most I will say I am a crossdresser who self-identifies as male, but have both masculine and  feminine sides that require expression. I, like pretty much everyone else in the world, prefer to be addressed with pronouns and name appropriate to the manner in which I present. It's simple in principal, but words and terms which have different connotations to different people, can confuse.

You are wise to say what your mother needed to hear and I applaud you for a fantastic job on that score. It is important to know one's audience and to connect on an emotional level where possible.

Lol, good for you hon. I think you did a fabulous job telling her and I admire you for that. My mother has since passed a few years ago and had I told her she would have had the Pope himself have me exorcised immediately. Your story is similar however with my wife and I except we both had a good boo hoo over me coming out to her. Luckily, she is totally accepting and participatory and we have a hoot out and about together. So happy for you Ellie.

Aww...thank you so much Jill!

Luckily I actually managed NOT to cry.

Hugs

Ellie x

Hey Ellie!

I can only imagine the huge weight that is off of your conscious. I am so happy for you that you had the courage to talk to her. She is totally right, you only live once and you have to do what makes you happy!

Erin
xoxo

Hey Erin

While I've never felt guilty or ashamed of who I am, there was always a lot of anxiety over the fact that I'd never confided in anyone. It's good to have burst that particular bubble 🙂

Hugs

Ellie x

How very brave, and Im sure a huge relief. My mom just passed away last week so this topic is very fresh in my mind. As a teenager my only access to clothing were hers. When the house was empty Id rush to her lingerie drawer for a few hours of bliss. Id have everything laid out on the bed , organized by different outfits for different situations, matching colors etc. One day I was in bikinis and a bra when I heard the door open and close. I froze and was in terror. all I could do was run to the bathroom and lock the door. She walked into her room and saw the lingerie spread all over. Next she knocked and wanted to know what was going on and to come out. I refused and after 10 minutes she left . She picked me up from work that night saying she was going to tell my dad. Intimately she never did, and the subject was never mentioned again. I married yet still secretly held on to Ellie. She must have always wondered, yet never spoke of it. Thank you for sharing

ellie