So there I was…

So, there I was. In an unfamiliar city, several states away from home. I had just checked into my hotel and rinsed off after an early flight. Standing in the mirror was myself, but someone else.

Ally looked back at me, heart beating so loud that others several rooms down could likely hear it ready to burst from her chest.

Fully dressed with heels, a dress, a clutch, and a phone in hand, I stood there quivering. My wig was stunning, but oh my, my shoulders were broader in the reflection than I remembered. My legs looked spectacular, but I could see my masculine build through my mini summer dress.

How was I going to convince myself to walk down the hallway, let alone outside?

I finally worked up the courage to dart out the door to my room and walked to the end of the hall before returning.

After another fifteen minutes of pacing and sitting in bed, I put my sunglasses on and took the elevator to the lobby, slipping out the stairway exit instead of the main entrance.

I slowly meandered towards a shopping center nearby, but as a pickup truck drove by, I braced to be yelled at and called a derogatory term. However, the insults never came.

Soon thereafter, I realized these heels weren't as bad to walk in as I had expected.

I continued my journey, and most people did not bat an eye. Or so I assumed. I was beyond terrified. I mainly focused on my walking and avoided any eye contact. Anytime I had a chance to see my reflection in a window, I would take a look. I fixed my hair as the wind blew and tried to hold my dress in place.

I made it to a crosswalk and ventured past an outdoor patio where three to four dozen people must have been. It was 5:30 pm during the middle of the week. I was terrified. This was such a large group of people. I had already passed at least a dozen others, but it was individually or as couples. Still, I kept going.

I made it to a women's clothing store soon after that. I walked in, browsed, not running into anyone, employees or other customers, and exited after a few minutes.

I decided to return to the hotel, grateful I had only started with this outing versus somewhere more crowded and far from safety. Still terrified, I kept my eyes at head level and stopped avoiding eye contact on my way back. I think a girl I walked by even smiled without making eye contact. I hope so; it felt empowering.

As I returned to the hotel, still terrified and shaken from how scary this outing was without someone else, I hoped to go back through the stairway, but it was only an exit. So, I returned through the lobby and went to my room after a brief elevator ride.

Once I got back into my room, I felt like I was going to black out. The stress and anxiety was overwhelming. I had done it, but my gosh, I regretted not going out with a person to support me or starting in an LGBTQIA+ bar.

I had thought this would be easier on my first go, and instead, I was humbled by my expectations being so misaligned. This was going to be more challenging than I could have imagined.

I sat there, nearly shaking. I took off my dress and heels and slipped into pajamas. I could barely think or do anything still. I had never been as stressed or nearly blacked out from being overwhelmed. But my gosh, I did it.

A few hours later, after digesting my experience, I am beyond grateful. I went out successfully and cannot wait to do it again. My next outing will be to a queer-friendly bar, where I will hopefully be more relaxed, but it won't be my last.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Letting this side of myself out is a process and a journey, and I cannot wait to share more!