Notifications
Clear all

So there I was…

39 Posts
19 Users
99 Reactions
445 Views
Posts: 73
Lady
Topic starter
(@allyc)
Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Joined: 2 months ago

So, there I was. In an unfamiliar city, several states away from home. I had just checked into my hotel and rinsed off after an early flight. Standing in the mirror was myself, but someone else.

 

Ally looked back at me, heart beating so loud that others several rooms down could likely hear it ready to burst from her chest.

 

Fully dressed with heels, a dress, a clutch, and a phone in hand, I stood there quivering. My wig was stunning, but oh my, my shoulders were broader in the reflection than I remembered. My legs looked spectacular, but I could see my masculine build through my mini summer dress.

 

How was I going to convince myself to walk down the hallway, let alone outside?

 

I finally worked up the courage to dart out the door to my room and walked to the end of the hall before returning.

 

After another fifteen minutes of pacing and sitting in bed, I put my sunglasses on and took the elevator to the lobby, slipping out the stairway exit instead of the main entrance.

 

I slowly meandered towards a shopping center nearby, but as a pickup truck drove by, I braced to be yelled at and called a derogatory term. However, the insults never came.

 

Soon thereafter, I realized these heels weren't as bad to walk in as I had expected.

 

I continued my journey, and most people did not bat an eye. Or so I assumed. I was beyond terrified. I mainly focused on my walking and avoided any eye contact. Anytime I had a chance to see my reflection in a window, I would take a look. I fixed my hair as the wind blew and tried to hold my dress in place.

 

I made it to a crosswalk and ventured past an outdoor patio where three to four dozen people must have been. It was 5:30 pm during the middle of the week. I was terrified. This was such a large group of people. I had already passed at least a dozen others, but it was individually or as couples. Still, I kept going.

 

I made it to a women's clothing store soon after that. I walked in, browsed, not running into anyone, employees or other customers, and exited after a few minutes.

 

I decided to return to the hotel, grateful I had only started with this outing versus somewhere more crowded and far from safety. Still terrified, I kept my eyes at head level and stopped avoiding eye contact on my way back. I think a girl I walked by even smiled without making eye contact. I hope so; it felt empowering.

 

As I returned to the hotel, still terrified and shaken from how scary this outing was without someone else, I hoped to go back through the stairway, but it was only an exit. So, I returned through the lobby and went to my room after a brief elevator ride.

 

Once I got back into my room, I felt like I was going to black out. The stress and anxiety was overwhelming. I had done it, but my gosh, I regretted not going out with a person to support me or starting in an LGBTQIA+ bar.

 

I had thought this would be easier on my first go, and instead, I was humbled by my expectations being so misaligned. This was going to be more challenging than I could have imagined.

 

I sat there, nearly shaking. I took off my dress and heels and slipped into pajamas. I could barely think or do anything still. I had never been as stressed or nearly blacked out from being overwhelmed. But my gosh, I did it.

 

A few hours later, after digesting my experience, I am beyond grateful. I went out successfully and cannot wait to do it again. My next outing will be to a queer-friendly bar, where I will hopefully be more relaxed, but it won't be my last.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Letting this side of myself out is a process and a journey, and I cannot wait to share more!

Reply
38 Replies
20 Replies
Baroness Annual
(@finallyfiona)
Joined: 7 months ago

Noble Member     Bedfordshire, United Kingdom
Posts: 824

@allyc 

Ally, congratulations girl!  You did it and I'm so pleased for you, well done 🙂 

Your words ring so true with me, I was right there just 4 months ago.  But the good news is, that's the hardest part done and out of the way.  It all gets easier from here as you gain in confidence and push the envelope that little bit further every time you go out again.

Hugs,
Fiona xxx

Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73

@finallyfiona thank you so much 💜 I can’t wait for the next outing as Ally!

Reply
Baroness
(@denimwear)
Joined: 3 years ago

Prominent Member     Other, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 543

@allyc  Congratulations, Ally. I'm sure you will have many more adventures. In my experience, it becomes easier and feels more natural with each successive outing. 

Lynne 

Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73

@denimwear thank you for the words of affirmation and encouragement. That is my hope as I go forward 😊

Reply
(@jacquelinelarkspur)
Joined: 7 months ago

Famed Member     Gateshead, Tyne and Wear, United Kingdom
Posts: 1220

@allyc 

Everything you say resonates with me. I was in that same situation not so long ago, standing in a hotel room staring at the door and dithering for ages before finally having the courage to open it and step out. And my heart was pounding like a piledriver, just as yours was.

I did go to LGBTQ+ bars, and felt very safe. So yes, I would recommend that strategy to any first-time outings.

 

Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73

@jacquelinelarkspur thanks for sharing how similar your experience was getting out the door! It is quite terrifying, but we did it! I am looking forward to going to an LGBTQIA+ bar next time out 😊

Reply
(@jacquelinelarkspur)
Joined: 7 months ago

Famed Member     Gateshead, Tyne and Wear, United Kingdom
Posts: 1220

@allyc 

You'll have a fab time! Venues for the LGBTQIA+ (The "IA" bit always slips my mind!) community are as safe as houses. Everyone is there to have a good time, and everyone is accepted. Sure, there are certain... challenges for crossdressers, but nothing you can't handle. 

Feel free to PM me if you want to pick my brains further!

Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73
Baroness
(@annaredhead)
Joined: 4 months ago

Prominent Member     Cornwall, United Kingdom
Posts: 414

@allyc Go Girl! This sounds like a very successful outing which hopefully you will draw confidence from.

Hugs,

Anna

Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73

@annaredhead thanks, girl!!! It was and I can’t wait to continue to expand my comfort zone.

Reply
Baroness Annual
(@fembecky)
Joined: 5 years ago

Prominent Member     Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
Posts: 379

@allyc 

Wow Ally - huge congratulations. But be warned, it's addictive 😀 . Soon you will be doing it again and one day you will find it is becoming as normal for you as going out in drab. I am sure there will be times when you are still terrified and other times when you are walking on air, but you have taken the first step and that is something you will always remember. Start planning your next excursion now 🤔 .

Hugs, Rebecca

Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73

@fembecky thank you so much for your words of encouragement! I am planning my next outing and look forward to feeling more comfortable as my journey progresses 😊

Reply
Duchess
(@loneleycd)
Joined: 5 years ago

Noble Member     Roland, Iowa, United States of America
Posts: 1905

@allyc 

Great for you, Ally. A nice walk and letting the world see you as Ally. I so hope you can get out again soon and have some interaction with others that will be pleasant and confidence building. 

Cassie 

 

Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73

@loneleycd thank you 😊 I will be going out again soon and cannot wait to see how it goes!

Reply
Lady
(@sashabennett)
Joined: 7 months ago

Honorable Member     Wick, Caithness, United Kingdom
Posts: 294

@allyc That sounds like a pretty intense experience, but you did it & the world didn't implode! I guess a visit to a bar will be a breeze after this (lol) or maybe at least a gentle wind. Either way, good for you & I wish you good luck for next time.

Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73

@sashabennett thank you so much, it was very intense! I am hopeful going to a friendly bar will be much easier now that I have taken the first step!!

Reply
(@lauren114)
Joined: 12 months ago

Noble Member     Connecticut, United States of America
Posts: 724

@allyc Congratulations Ally!  It is a big bridge to cross but you did it!  it's great that you described your experience here for those girls who are still staring at the door nervous to do the same.   Hopefully, this will encourage some to cross that threshold.   As others have said, it gets easier each time you get out there and in time, will become your new normal as it has done for me.   I crossed that threshold a number of years ago and now do it without hesitation and enjoy it very much!

Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73

@lauren114 thank you so much and I hope it helps others! It is a liberating experience 😊

Reply
Lady
(@tia)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     Shady Cove, Oregon, United States of America
Posts: 60

@allyc What a triumph, you go girl!

Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73

@tia thank you 😊

Reply
Posts: 107
Duchess
(@patches)
Estimable Member     Maryland, United States of America
Joined: 7 months ago

Thank you for sharing  your experience Ally!   

Reply
1 Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73

@patches thank you for taking the time to read my experience!!

Reply
Posts: 2696
Hostess
(@ab123)
Famed Member     Surrey, United Kingdom
Joined: 4 years ago

Well done Ally. You knew it had to be done and you nailed it. Going solo is such a huge step for a girl to take. All those fears and worries dissipate as you carry through and achieve what many feel is impossible. I can understand how you felt at the end of it as any 'ordeal' carries some trauma. However it went so well and the longing for more is a natural thing to have and am sure it will happen with you being more relaxed.

 

If we handed out awards you would surely be in line for one for not only going out but achieving so many goals in one trip. Can we have applause for Ally, inspirational girl of the moment!

Reply
1 Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73

@ab123 thank you so much, I truly appreciate your affirmations and recognition 💜

I’m glad that the experience near the end is relatable. After so much anxiety I think it’s normal to want to return to a situation where I feel in control.

Thanks for being awesome, Angela! 

Reply
Posts: 102
Lady
(@justjillian)
Reputable Member     Lancashire, United Kingdom
Joined: 6 months ago

Lovely expression of how you felt, I had a similar experience some time back where I documented as a forum post. I have been out a few more times since and although the first time was scary but evolved into elation along the way, felt the same thing last week when I went for a stroll in the mid evening and I found that I could not get home quick enough. I guess its just the highs and lows that we have to get used to ( like most things in life) 

I still congratulated myself for having the bottle to go out and it certainly will not put me off 

Great story and get it completely - thanks for sharing

Reply
1 Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73

@justjillian thank you for sharing and relating! It is a mixture of highs and lows, but getting used to it hopefully is a matter of time. I look forward to reading your experiences soon and in the future 😊

Reply
Posts: 1290
Baroness Annual
(@d44)
Noble Member     New York, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Congrats on your first time Ally! Don't worry, it gets easier every time you do it and soon the fear will be replaced by joy.

Reply
1 Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73

@d44 thank you! I cannot wait for that!!

Reply
Posts: 208
(@juliarey)
Honorable Member     Somewhere between Milwaukee and Green Bay, Wisconsin, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

Great story, first time out is always exciting.  So is the second, third, fourth........  Congratulations on having the courage to go for it. 

Reply
1 Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73

@juliarey thank you, I really appreciate your words of encouragement 😊😊😊

Reply
Posts: 1581
 J J
Lady
(@jjandme)
Noble Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

Good onya, Ally! Thank you for a wonderful, well written narrative of your experience. Thete are shades of my first venture out into rhe big, wide world. We survived, and it is still spining.

Reply
1 Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73

@jjandme it sure is spinning but we did do it, girl! Thanks for your words of support!

Reply
Posts: 203
Lady
(@sf)
Reputable Member     SoCal, California, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

Ally,

Great post.  

Funny how us humans are "wired."  My first experience (and others here - based on comments above) out dressed was very similar to yours.  Fear, trepidation, panic - but all for naught.  The first few times are the most difficult and then we realize that getting out is no big deal, folks don't care and sometimes they even offer a positive comment!  

Us gals spend all the time, effort and $$$ to look pretty and enjoy the clothes, so instead of being sequestered inside, why not get out and show the world? 

You might even have fun!!   Smile, Staci...

Reply
1 Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73

@sf I couldn’t agree with you more! 

Reply
Posts: 1451
(@debbiedd)
Noble Member     los angeles, California, United States of America
Joined: 4 years ago

TY for sharing your inner thoughts and experiences Ally. You described all those fears and anxieties many of us know now. When its all over the thrill you felt was well worth it afterwards. I am sure you showed an afterglow and feeling of exhilleration 

Reply
1 Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73

@debbiedd thank you for reading my story! I certainly did and can’t wait for the next time

Reply
Posts: 878
Duchess Annual
(@robertaf)
Noble Member     Louisiana, United States of America
Joined: 4 years ago

Well done girlfriend. As it's been said nothing to fear but fear itself.

It gets easier and better every time. Soon you'll just get dresses and go out to do whatever you need to do. Just doing it dressed nicely. It's one of the things I love most. Just doing normal things but doing them as a woman.  

Reply
1 Reply
Lady
(@allyc)
Joined: 2 months ago

Estimable Member     New York, United States of America
Posts: 73

@robertaf thank you!!! I look forward to developing more confidence to do just that 😊

Reply
Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from Crossdresser Heaven.

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Log in with your credentials

Forgot your details?