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I went out in public en femme, and it was a mixed bag. I wore a pink Tommy t-shirt, leggings, a denim jacket and wedges. My SO helped me style my hair (no wig) and makeup. We got take-out dinner and went to a drive-in movie at a park.
The good… I actually got out of the car to go the concession stand by myself for water and popcorn. Walked across uneven ground in wedges without tripping. The gentleman at the concessions was super friendly to me, telling me jokes and being a goofball while serving the popcorn. The woman smiled at me and got my change, but didn’t say anything. Think she might’ve suspected something was off about me.
Overall, total success being en femme to strangers. Scary and thrilling at the same time. Not a single stranger cared. Not a lot of people at the park, but whatever.
The bad… My SO didn’t react so well to me being en femme. Up to this point she’s been supportive, helping with clothes and makeup and finding a wig for me. But the other night, I was just being myself while dressed. I called her by the normal pet names.. dear, sweetie, honey. I flirted with her like normal. And that didn’t go over well at all. Too much too soon for her. We haven’t really been able to talk about it since. She at least compromised with me. When we move in together, I’m allowed weekends to dress up, though she doesn’t promise she’ll interact with me while I’m dressed. Until we move in, I promised I won’t dress again. (Probably be fall time when we get our place.)
Mostly, I feel bad for how things went. I worry I messed things up where going out en femme with my SO won’t happen again. Or worse, crossdressing won’t be fun anymore.
Maybe I just need to give this time. Win some, lose some. Acceptance is neither easy nor necessarily automatic.
Xoxo, Dani
Danielle,
Your discussion on "the bad" part of your outing is a topic I have struggled with for a long time and have been thinking about it more since I have joined here. @don55 posted a poll on whether your SO approved, approved to a degree or disapproved. Roughly only 1/3 approved, and I would say that, on a site like this, that is likely a high number relative to the general CD public in general. That implies that for 2/3rds of us, or more, we have a SO that would not approve or not fully approve of our decisions.
I currently have no intention of telling my SO I dress and seeing if she would approve. There are too many varying emotions there. I certainly do applaud you for trying to work your lifestyle into the one you want with you SO, but when you say "baby steps," maybe there is a limit to how far you can go? She supports your dressing, she even went out with you. Since I have never been in the situation, maybe there needs to be ground-rules that limit how you interact. Maybe when you are with her as Danielle, you should be more of her friend than SO.
I am in the closet because I do like my marriage and I don't want anything to ruin that. Others have come out and have dealt with that with varying constraints. But when you do, you need to take what is given and not necessarily try and ask for more.
I can say that I am in a much worse position as I can easily see myself betraying my marriage as we speak with what I do. But if you are given a compromise, you need to decide then what is best for the both of you in the future and what you want.
I do applaud, you. Just trying to provide my thoughts. Maybe it will help with your next discussion with her.
Hugs, Jamie
@don55
@don55
Jamie,
In my case I felt honesty was the best policy. My SO supports Pride to begin with, and I had an idea that we could at least have an arrangement, so I had an advantage there. Even so I was nervous about opening up to her at first.
I do feel for you, about staying in the closet. Coming out with something this personal is tough to begin with. Add layers of social disapproval and being honest feels dangerous. Still, I felt it was better to tell her, than let her find out the hard way.
Baby steps for sure. I'm not even mentioning crossdressing in our daily conversations at the moment. I'll let her bring it up when she's ready. For now, we have a compromise. And I might have to accept that a compromise is the best I'll get.
Hugs back, Dani
Danielle, sounds like a lot of adjusting going on. And some mixed signals. I don't know your relationship, only you can tell (to her) how you feel about all this. And only she can tell you how she feels. I don't know if I could handle no interaction on weekends if I was living with someone. Was the compromise expressed before or after the night out? Will the compromise be fluid?
I envy you that you have someone who is supportive from the beginning. How extensive that support is might depend on the pace, as you say. Communication at your SO's level of comfort and depth seems really important. And there's a reason we have two ears and one mouth. As I tell my life coach clients, "explaining is the first act of war." My first temptation is that if I can just explain it enough, the other person will "understand." Not until they're ready. They're only ready for the answers to the questions they're thinking, and willing to ask, now.
"Explaining is the first act of war." Never heard that one, but so very true. Intentionally or not, we often hear what we want to hear. Knowing when the other person is ready to hear you is just as important as being ready to explain. Thanks for that.
Our compromise was made after the night out. And no, I don't know if I can handle no interactions on the weekends while I'm dressed. That's what worries me, and why I wonder if crossdressing will continue to be fun for me.
I hope that with more communication, when the time is right, the compromise can become fluid. I don't know if that will happen. But not pushing it. Baby steps...
I suspect that you SO’s, limit may have been reached by your using “the normal pet names”.
My SO has been very supportive but she still gets freaked by PDAs when I am dressed. We can hold hands and she is fine, but beyond that it is thin ice!
If you can get her to talk about what happened or what she felt try to reassure her that you didn’t mean to up set her. And that you are willing to work with what ever level she is comfortable with.
Just saying from my experience.
Leslie❤️
Hi Dani, It sounds to me like she was maybe overwhelmed? Seeing you out, enfemme, brings it home in a much more realistic manner, and then using your pet names, maybe too much?
I would give her a bit of time, and try to keep the conversation channels open.
Just my thoughts, wishing you luck
Hugs, Regi👸💕
Hi Dani. Cute name. My SO is very supportive. But when we are out together we are girlfriends in public. No holding hands or embraces. No I love you's. In the vehicle we are a happy couple but in public we are very much girlfriends or sisters.
Lisa,
So true. I keep trying to explain that "Danielle" is the same me that she already knows. Not two personas, but only the one. My SO doesn't see it that way, and the only thing to be done about that is give her time.
I didn't even realize my habits with calling her sweetie and baby, until I was in femme mode and it came out automatically. And that was exactly what crossed the line for her. It will be hard for me to break those normal habits when I'm en femme, and I don't blame my SO for not entirely trusting me to do so.
Xoxo, Dani
Dani, For the good aspects of your evening out I am so happy for you! Please don't loose sight of the good that happened. As for the situation with your SO, my situation is very much like so many others who have replied. My wife and I are strictly friends when I'm en femme. She is super supportive but she has her limits and I respect that. We have been married 33 years so we can be pretty blunt with each other. The first time I was fully dressed with my breast forms, I tried to get a little cuddly. That did not go well. Later, when I was not dressed I asked her about what she thought of my new look and she very politely said "Well it confirmed that I have no bi tendencies". She smiled, we laughed, but I took the hint. Any time I sense that I might be pushing her limits, I give it some time and then talk to her about it. She knows that if at any time my being Lola is too much for her I will go back in the closet. Lola will always be a part of me, I will always have my girl time, but I can keep it away from her if necessary. I hope this helps.
💖Lola
Honey she just needs to adjust to the fact that this is hte gender you should have been born intol.
