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When I first started crossdressing my worst fear was that I would run into someone I knew and they would recognize me.
That was followed closely by a full on outing and scene in a public place.
Neither of those ever happened - it's amazing that what we fear sometimes never comes to pass.
What is your biggest crossdressing fear?
Hi Vanessa,
Strange enough as it may sound, the day I decided to become who I really am, I had no fear and I must say in all honesty it was partially the motivation I got from both TGH and CDH.
Them members I interacted with erased any fears if there ever was.
It took me a while to come out in public though .
Not because of fear but rather a carefully planned outing as I didn't care who knew I was transgender.
I had more personal issues like work and separation from ex problems to deal with that was more important for me. I had to make sure I remained safe as I worked with a manager who was a real peice of work. Anybody comming from SA in his books was a racist.
Needless to say the workshops closed, we were made redundant and he moved to another town,
That was when I walked out my door and greeted the world as you know me today.
Stil the same person, but the packaging has slowly evolved into me,
I am still happy and I still care and I still live by truth, respect and honnesty. My moto and my pride.
Have a lovely day.
Hugs
Catherine A Vos
@catanne What a blessing that you were able to be yourself in confidence!
Vanessa,
Thank you.
I think what helped was how I did it and also comming out in New Zealand may be a bit easier than in other coutries like the USa etc. The thing is also that I don't care who says or thinks what. I do not owe anyone an appology for who I am, neither do I apologise for it and most certainly I don't have to explain myself to anyone. If someone has a problem with me then it's their problem. They need to build a bridge, get over it and sort themselves out. As simple as that.
They need to build a bridge, get over it and sort themselves out.
I have never heard that expression before.
Harriette I have been using that description for a long time especially to dismiss phobes in a decent way without being offensive and making the situation worse for myself. My safety is always paramount.
@cdh I was bullied in school as a child and had an alcoholic father. I got inherited fear of being different and standing out. also to never ever be bullied again. and there is just so much ignorance out there. I can't stand to feel out of the ordinary and to stand out in a crowd. Im a musician and friends keep asking me to play on stage with them and I cant even do that. I dont know how I could ever go out in public unfortunately. I hate this about myself but its just too strong. RC
@river You shouldn’t hate yourself because you feel fear. We all deal with fear, sometimes we hide from it (guilty, right here) or we abuse drugs, alcohol, or people. Or, we just try to work on it.
Maybe a therapist could help you work through that fear. I’m considering seeing one myself. But please, don’t beat yourself up and feel hate for something that feels so insurmountable and isn’t your fault.
I have faith in you.
Hugs, Jill
@jillannquinn Thank you so much. im definitely making some strides I did finally join the band and play on stage. I think some more time with all you lovely people will help considerably. I have grown so much in 5 months. I cant wait to see where I am afer a year. Thanks again. have a great day RC
@river That’s awesome progress! Good for you! Like Luci said, just take things at your own pace. You’ll get there.
@river Hi river take it at your own pace it took me 8 years before I went out in public as the version of luci I am confident as. One day you might just do the same I never thought I would.
@lucistar Thank you so much. the more time I spend with you all the more confidence im getting . maybe ill get there someday but the encouragement from everyone including yourself means alot and is so ausome. have a great day RC
@river Bloody hell.......I could have written that first sentence. I could have been a musician too, following my father, but chose professional sport instead, as you do.
@cdh haven’t gone out in public, aside from driving at night in the neighborhood. However, the scariest thing that keeps me from it is the fear of being recognized by someone. I am not sure what I would say if caught, other than “yep, I’m a crossdresser”. Which, when I think about it, what would happen? I doubt someone would post all over Facebook or elsewhere that they saw me en femme. Once I come out to my wife, I feel like my fears will dissipate as the fear of her finding out via 3rd party is gone.
the other fear I have is being pulled over or being in a fender bender while en femme. Clearly none of my documents are Lindsey. I can only imagine what it would be like standing on the shoulder of the road in a dress and heels as other drivers rubberneck to see what happened.
Yep, I think for most of us who have note "come out" have the same fear. the fear of being recognized by someone we know.
Now as for the fear of being in a fender bender while en femme, I can check that off my list. The first time, I was in a full blown tulle ball gown when I bumped a car at a red light. I know not the best outfit for driving. I signaled the person i hit to pull into a parking lot next to the accident scene. I was scared to death as this was 15 years ago and rarely got out back then, and for the most part, i looked like a guy in a dress. I didn't do much to look very feminine in the early days. Knowing that there was no real damage i expected the other driver to just do an inspection and move on. But no, I pulled next to the other vehicle and apologized. I saw that the driver was alone, and a youngish lady (thank the gods). I noted that there was only a couple small scratches on her rear bumper and handed her my info through the window. The woman got out and walked around the cars to inspect the damages. Before I knew it, a police car pulled up to us in the parking lot. Now i was genuinely scared. I had not gotten out of the car as i didn't know what was going to happen. Yes my heart was going to explode in my chest at the thought. Well the cop came to my door, asking for my license and registration. I told him the other driver has them. As he saw me in the car he then asked that I step out. OMG!! NO! Well what was I going to do? I had no choice now. So i got out as if nothing was weird at all. He humphed "nice outfit", "Can you tell me what happened?" So i told him that I rolled into her bumper at the light, blah blah blah. That was it, it seemed so anti-climactic. Well now the other driver came around to pass the officer the papers, and now she saw me. She says, Nice dress, are you in a theater group or something? I was shocked at that and responded with, yea, something like that. Now the the thought of being seen was over and the adrenaline rush was fading. I walked around the car to look at the damages, which there really weren't any and got back in my car. Many moments later the officer came back and returned and exchanged our papers for us. Still to this day I can remember the details like it happened yesterday.
I was also hit by someone while driving through the Ted Williams Tunnel. those in Boston know that it is notorious for traffic and fender benders. but I'll save that one for another day.
Charris
@lindseyjacobs87 I've driven quite a few times en femme, especially while headed to fun bars. While an RTA is always possible, get your heels off and drive normally. Don't second guess yourself, enjoy your painted toes (and maybe nylons) and don't sweat the stuff that'll never happen. As for being recognised, people in cars rarely have time to think about the person next to them because they are either staring at their phone, talking to the person in the passenger seat or, on the odd occasion, paying attention to the road.
@lindseyjacobs87 hi Lindsay. I have the same fear of being arrested. I wish I had a female fried to drive me but I don't know anyone to ask. It's a bummer
@cdh my fear and my mom's is someone's opinion will lead to violence for me and my mom. And I didn't want to have to defend myself.
@cdh I'm very fortunate to say that I have been able to overcome many of my fears and have now been able to go out on a regular basis. I realized that I am most probably Trans and as a result, I am integrating my femininity into my daily life to a pretty decent extent now. My biggest concern is abuse or physical violence but I address this by being careful and selective as to where I go when living authentically. Fortunately, this hasn't ruled out any of the places I need to go on a daily basis. The biggest thing is avoiding places where people who are opposed to us would frequent.
@missylinda just keep your hands up on guard and when the right opertunety happens eye poke knee break and then get out of there.
@alanmann or next time you meet them in drab say “ have you seen that strange woman people say look like me in some respects?”
@cdh @alanmann @missylinda @lauren114 My main fear is violence against us. I can fight one or two and escape unscathed; but cowards usually attack in large groups. There have already been victims.
The problem that I don't have crossdresser friends or within the transgender umbrella in my country also makes things difficult to go out. Although I don't want to go through that, I think I could survive a chance encounter with someone I know that might ruin my life. I would have to rely on the discretion of my friends or relatives. I believe I am strong enough to survive.
I have not identified safe sites. It is easier to be a foreigner, oblivious to the possibility of recognition. In the places I could go they could identify me and since I have to go alone, I prefer not to risk it. Transgender women and men had a lot of trouble during the pandemic. And I can't imagine myself in a Panamanian gay bar. To begin with, I don't know any and on one occasion I heard a friend say that they only allow transgender people on special dates. Since it was in dub, the comment was directed at another person and he is a very gossipy person, I only heard it. Here in Panama there are trans women who discriminate against those of us who do not want to transition. Ordinary people tend to tolerate a white-collar criminal more than someone who is transgender. We have little acceptance. There is a lot of stupidity in that sense. Luckily, younger people are developing a better degree of tolerance towards others and the situation can change in the medium or long term.
@firefly danger can vary not only country to country, but areas of country. I go out in Las Vegas, a crazy place. You are just part of the “ circus”. Being a senior, can be beaten or worse easily, so tend to stay in groups. Another senior friend packs , good girl to have around.
@firefly violence is the #1 fear for most of us, a year ago I had a couple relationships were I felt accepted but in reality I was used and almost beat up.
lately I prefer to stay home 🙁
@sexxygrl Apparently, you are in a closeted relationship, too, so I don't know how you get to go outside.
However, for more self-confidence, I can highly recommend martial arts training, whether just a general "self-defense" type of training, if it still exists, or something more classical. It sure changed my life!
If this interests you, send me a PM.
@alanmann yea, would work if was a guy, they are a dense group. Wait, scratch that, I forgot, I’m a guy!🤪
Anxiety, better truth for me than fear, about going out in public. Anxiety of rejection or redicule in a public place when fully in femme.
I have been going out a lot now and see the fear or anxiety is unfounded .
I came out enough to go to coffee shops alone, to.mom & pop corner stores, bakeries, ;& recently to a pub @ happy hour, with female friend.
I came out to my landlord recently & to my surprise, he's ok with it. But today with trepidations, I went to a hospital appointment in maxi skirt frilly blouse, smart jewelry, wig and female flat shoes. It was OK ! NO ISSUES !
A smile or two from female nurses and workers, but the doctors were great.
Violence is always present for ANY women, not just us girls. Always. Just stay mindful and pick you places, plan ahead.
But please do NOT deny yourself the pleasure of going out as you want to, to become the outer version of your inner desire in public!
When I first started crossdressing my worst fear was that I would run into someone I knew and they would recognize me.
That was followed closely by a full on outing and scene in a public place.Neither of those ever happened - it's amazing that what we fear sometimes never comes to pass.
What is your biggest crossdressing fear?
Well, this did happen to me, Vanessa. Needless to say, my wife was not pleased in the least. I did my best to stay calm, avoid even looking at the drunk.
If you are out in public, at least accept the chance that you could be outed, maybe even targeted. Just be ready for it and have some sort of plan on how to deal with it. Aside from immediately running away (unless for your own safety) because that will give predators a sense of your vulnerability.
@cdh Mine is running into someone I know and I DID! I was at a dispensary and was walking out while wearing a skirt and saw an old coworker that I delivered appliances with. It scared me, I just kept walking and said hi. I don't know if he noticed. I hope he did, now.
I think my second fear is my Wife not ultimately accepting who I am am and leaving me. I fear for that as I love home and I love that my cats have a good home. I also still love my Wife. It's been tough to navigate this and to stay honest and true when I feel so hurt so much of the time.
- @cdh I would have to say my biggest fear is losing one self for the other. I absolutely love being Trisha. But I equally enjoy Bryan. And I find that if I go too far with Trisha, Bryan fades a bit and vice versa. Balance is a hard thing to accomplish.
Trisha
I've been going out now monthly for almost a full year with a group of friends in my area. My biggest fear was public ridicule. However, so far nothing has happened. Last evening we went to a local dinner theater and afterward we were walking to our car when another car came alongside us and rolled down their window. I was sure this was going to be what I had been afraid of but instead the passenger waved and gleefully exclaimed "You guys Rock". We all smiled back and one of my friends politely thanked them and they went on their way.
My fear of public ridicule is decreasing with every outing and I can't wait to go out the next time.
@cdh i think this tracks as number 1 for most everyone. I would add that the root of our fears is that those who love us wont accept us. Most everyone outside that circle is virtually invisible once we gain acceptance.
@cdh I share this fear as not gone out in daylight yet. It is a bit like stepping out on stage where all eyes are on us. Though we know logically it is not that straightforward at all because we can ramp up how much we are out there, ... and so the self consciousness as well.
I suppose I fear being shamed, or assaulted the most! How can I know I might encounter an intolerant situation or place if I have not been a trans woman in that place before. All I can go on is the tried and tested by going with others the same as myself or their advice.
We only have to explore as much as we want because everybody is similar in their own skin whether fashion choices or being naturally shy. I am an inadequate male in certain situations, so I will be as Sarah I am sure. I maybe wonder if I might relax a bit more as people will see Sarah and not who I am by birth?
Interesting subject, thanks!
Sx
@cdh Approaches by men who are a bit too aggressive(it appears this represents 80% of men). I will say, when out in restaurants or other upscale venues men say hi (so do women of course) and are very nice. I consider it a very good evening when I'm asked for my phone number or email address as it solidifies my outlook in trying to pass as a female.
I guess it is not really a fear as much as it can be an annoyance.
@cdh for me it's always getting pulled over by the police ok traffic violations always made sure everything works during the day was stressful but I liked going out at night
Mine would have to be getting stopped by a police officer for one and getting found out by the public would mortify me I would only go out 9pm time when it gets darker so as not to draw attention to me as in other messages i do not look like a girly girl in the face but pass in a dress.
I guess my biggest fears are that I will be called names by people because it will be obvious that I am not a female and I just know that I would look so strange being dressed up as a female unless I had a female friend that would do my make up and help me transform into what and who I am supposed to be.
My second fear is that where ever I am out and about as a female that someone with hatred in their heart would beat me down and maybe even kill me for being transgender. I do live in Montana and there is no way in hell that I would ever go out in public dressed in female attire even though I want to so badly.
@cdheaven I live in North Carolina and not many people do care about how you dress or look. But yah be careful where you go. There people who have oppions about us. But if you have to defend yourself two moves that can help you. Eye gouge and knee break.
6 months ago my answer would have been a lot different, but now there is very little that I fear about going out. I guess I only really have 3 fears now, and if I had to list them in order from least to worst they would have to be:
1) Running into one of my children when I am out dressed. They are all adults, but I didn't really crossdress when they lived in the house, and they don't know about April (at least I think they don't).
2) Being stopped by the police when I am driving. I am such a good girl when I drive.
3) Being physically assaulted. That's the one that I am always very careful about. Seattle and its surrounds is generally a pretty tolerant place, but I make it a point to always be aware of my surroundings.
Other than that, nothing really. And I know that I don't pass when you get close. Although I am not that tall and I'm fairly thin, my face will give me away upon close inspection, and my voice ain't fooling anybody. 🙂
My wish is that all of you can have as much pure fun and joy from dressing that I do!
April
@alanmann - I haven't, and least not in the past 30 years or so. I am careful when I am out, and I don't go anywhere that might be considered dangerous after dark, unless I am with others. I think being a bit tall for a woman (5'-10") helps a bit, and like I said when people get close I'm not fooling anyone - except maybe Mr. Magoo, and he doesn't scare me 🙂
I think you nailed it Vanessa. Its the fear of being recognized and outed that girls like us fear. It was certainly my fear at first. As often said the worse fear is fear itself.
Mine is being recognised as a man. And being ridiculed for that. Being accepted as a woman is important to me and to do that, I need to pass in every way. I can't do that at the present time. So, it's a lonely part of me. I accept that though. I love being a woman. I am lucky to love that part of me. Wonderful clothes, comfortable underwear, make up and choices every day about all the things that make me feel like the girl I have always wanted to be. A female. I wouldn't change that for anything. And these forums as so helpful.
Joanne
As someone that spends a good deal of the time dressed, my only fear has always been having some kind of accident, and need medical attention. Well a few years back that happened, ambulance, Fire Brigade, ER etc....turned out I really had nothing to fear.
@jessicalynn That is one of my biggest fears as well. Having some kind of accident and second would be running into someone I know really well.
@jessicalynn I am extra careful walking down the stairs in heels. Being found by my son (who lives with me) with a broken leg would not be a good look.
My biggest worry is tripping in my heels and falling.
This is something that I found to be a real problem, @pattyphose.
Much of the past year, I have been wearing a few 2.5" block heels the uppers don't have laces, so it wraps around the foot fairly loosely. All it takes to get wobbly is a slight ridge or crack in the sidewalk and over the ankle goes. Wearing high pin heels has to be even more dangerous, out in the wild.
Last year, I was taken to hospital and was given a gown to wear. One of the nurses saw I was wearing a pair of pink panties and smiled. I have just come home from hospital and I asked to wear a nightdress, instead of pyjamas. I enjoyed spending 6 days en femme in public and I was a bit upset about wearing trousers again. The experience has helped me tell people that I cross-dress. Most people have been supportive and my decision to be more open has helped me feel better about myself.
I had a talk with someone from the Beaumont Society this morning, as I am worried about how people will react to me if I wear a skirt or dress in public. The basic advice was not to draw attention to yourself and that it is safer to walk around a crowded town centre during the day than to walk around an industrial estate at night. Choose clothes that many women are wearing, rather than pretend to be a fashion model or wear a ballgown to visit a local market, as more people are likely to look at you. I wish you luck on your public walks. I am on the same voyage and I have asked a friend to accompany me when I embark on my first en-femme day in public.
The first part of the venture out of my neighborhood scares me the most; while 9 times out of 10; I'm not likely to run into anyone I know...it's the 1 out of 10 that worries me. As I listen to those more experienced I know it's probably not worth letting it hold me back.
Kim
I went to a LGBT meeting on Friday. The people were friendly and nobody made any comments about my purple dress. I went to lunch with one of the members and was wary about removing my jacket as it would reveal my dress top, but nobody was bothered. Similarly, I was doing some voluntary work on Tuesday; the manager has allowed me to wear a dress or skirt instead of trousers. Nobody else was in the gents when I changed into a black dress and only one customer seemed bothered when he saw me wearing a dress. The deputy manager said it was a nice dress, but nobody else made any comments and I quite enjoyed sitting with my legs under a table. Tomorrow, I intend to wear a dress when I visit the hospital, where some of the nurses helped me gain confidence by letting me wear a nightdress instead of pyjamas. I am still feeling nervous about being so open, but I have received more encouragement from people than I thought I would.
The first part of the venture out of my neighborhood scares me the most; while 9 times out of 10; I’m not likely to run into anyone I know…it’s the 1 out of 10 that worries me. As I listen to those more experienced I know it’s probably not worth letting it hold me back. Kim
This. So much this. I'm taking my first real foray out in public as Rose this coming weekend. And I'm jumping through proverbial hoops to make sure I look "normal: the 40-50 feet from my front door to my car. (I'm only jumping through proverbial hoops; I'm not limber enough for real hoop-jumping. 🙂 ) I'm sure someday I'll look back on the Mission: Impossible levels of stealth I'm looking at taking Saturday afternoon. But for now, it's what I need to do to comfortably get out of my neighborhood before I can fully "transform" into Rose.
As someone who just ventured out fully dressed for the first time in years ... my biggest concern was the neighbors. We have an attached garage, so actually I didn't have too much to worry about. Besides, we don't really socialize with any neighbors (my wife and I are both introverts) so even if anyone saw me, no one is going to say anything to my face.
For anyone else that may be scared ... If you have a wig and makeup on ... even if you do the crappiest job of makeup ... no one will recognize you. Context matters. Because people aren't expecting you to be dressed as a woman with makeup on, they won't be looking for it.
As for other fears, like the police or being assaulted, I guess I take basic precautions and go to mainly well populated areas and stores that are primarily for women. When driving I am hyper conscious of not speeding and obeying all traffic laws.
Don't worry Rose. We all have to do that sort of thing at least once. It gives us something to look back on, years down the track, to laugh at.
You'll be fine.
