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Of course there are many ladies here who are exceptions and some older ones where the answer is a very harsh "the times," but I was wondering what makes you - at least for the most part sure you are not trans?
These days it's such a popular topic that I'm sure many people, let alone girls like us are questioning if that's what we really want. I want to know where your are on that. Questioning? Open but feeling it's not the extreme that's right for you? Know exactly why you are not a woman in the wrong body, but a man who loves to be immersed in femininity?
At the moment, my urges to feminize are the strongest they have been in the long time and I am a very extreme person. It's not uncommon to fantasise about being a lady full time - getting all this body hair removed, perhaps taking hormones, but DEFINITELY nothing more. Other times I know I like spending most of my life as a man.
The biggest thing that makes me (for the most part) certain is that I've never felt the desire to change my biological sex. Additionally, I feel comfortable with a lot of my masculinity most of the time. I think I would miss it, and not just the privilege. I never felt interested in what "the girls" were doing, I never wanted "girl stuff" as a boy, I just wanted to wear the clothes... eventually. Seemed nice. It's complicated. I feel like were I naturally passable I would probably have, at least at times, lived what they call a "gender fluid existence," but that's not much of an option for me.
I am certain I never have reached the point of satisfaction in my femininity, but I don't think it means full-time full-blown transformation. As my gender journey resumes I want to know where and how the other ladies have gone, "this is what I need, I don't need to change my life beyond this," ultimately settling at the place of "crossdressing man."
I feel like I'm going through the same thing! I have gone through stages before of adopting my feminine self only to feel intense feelings of shame and burying my feelings within. I would think "am I A or B or C?" but I'm starting to think that it doesn't matter what category I'm in I just want to express myself in feminine ways whatever that means. Just know that you are loved and are not alone whatever your gender or sex may be!
I would imagine it's much harder for you, actively dressing looking damn good! I really have no shame in feeling this way and have hope that if I am delicate, honest, and patient enough my wife could be okay with this but what scares me is getting there and wanting more. I couldn't lose her and losing your partner's attraction to you is the end no matter what the reason. At the same time I can't imagine being a woman and thinking "it was worth it to be this way all the time," after losing what I love and dedicating so much to what one could call vanity. Basically, I am a happy man who wishes he could be cute and cosy and not so dark and troubled.
Thank you Susie, I would love to hear more about you.
Hearts and rainbows,
Aoife
As I see myself as a man, and don't want to be a woman, I am not transgender. I simply enjoy dressing how I feel and in the clothes that make me most comfortable. My clothes, whether masculine or feminine, do not dictate my gender or who I am.
MacKenzie Alexandra
Thank you, MackKenzie. What you have is what I aspire for.
Aoife,
This is something that I reflect on quite a lot. Finding and Exploring are where I am at but also moving slowly so I can adjust and decide where my dressing will take me. I am extremely happy to be with my wife and my relationship does play a part in how far I may take this. So it is reassuring to know others are wondering similar thoughts. - Michelle
Thank you Michelle.
When I think about it pragmatically I am certain I am for most intents and purposes a man. I have been an extreme personality and think if I felt the way a transwoman does I would have been out and proud at a very young age. No way I would have been able to go as long as I have without dressing, not a change. Yet having ignored my feminine urges this trait also gets me to the extreme of thinking, "I want to be a woman all the time," and forsaking all manhood. After all, most of as a heterosexual men - by definition we do not like masculinity and really, why would we want it on our own body?
I love to dress and and especially the preparation to express myself as a woman.. however I respect my wife’s and family’s feelings... and I sought counseling when my alter ego was recognized for “distinguish service” for 25 years as a volunteer fireman”..counseling has helped me accept my being gender fluid (my “label”)and I am content in expressing my femininity (fully) when the opportunity presents itself.
I am very grateful to the ladies here who have supported me. For now I am content in my journey so far but I am not sure where my strong feelings of femininity will eventually lead me..
Thank you all for listening..
Thank you for this topic. It has been on my mind a lot too. My crossdressing has gone through phases, and to be honest I feel more and more like I want to always be dressed. At first it was just a fun thing to do but now I prefer to be dressed and appearing as a woman. Why did it take over the rest? I don't know. I've been thinking about this though. What parts of 'manhood' do I like and why can't I bring them along with me on this journey?
I like messing around in my garage and learning how to build things, I like the confidence I feel when I'm doing things, etc. I think the stuff I like the most about being a man may be able to come along with. I don't know just something that I've been thinking about.
Thanks for this topic.
-Jessi
Jessi, I know what you mean. When I go back and really think of all my feelings and desires I figure I would be happiest in a gender fluid life. If I looked different I would have started as a boy just throwing on a skirt and some makeup and being that way sometimes. Given my appearance though I’ve really just *wished* I were trans so it could be a hard move to remove all of my body and facial hair, feminise myself in permanent ways and know that was my conclusion. Likewise I’ve wished I were gay so I could be a drag queen, but men are gross. That’s why most of us are here, isn’t it? Lol.
It’s just such a unique spot to be in, knowing many of us will never look “right” as women unless we kill more of the man than we want to. It’s not something most people understand. What are your wife’s thoughts? You seem to have that under control. I am trying to figure out how to tell mine (I do not dress currently so I’m only hiding feelings) and am terrified of what her level of acceptance could be.
hearts and rainbows,
Aoife
Aoife,
I too have reflected of this many times and discussed it with various therapists. When I was younger and first started cross dressing I often wondered if it was the first step of a transition and being transgender. While I really enjoy Gabi time I don’t feel I was born in the wrong body and don’t want to dress full time. I love wearing dresses, skirts, painting my nails, etc. - items that society categorizes as feminine. For me they are just clothes and other things I really enjoy.
Gabi
Gabi, a couple things that have crossed my mind that make me think I am at most only gender fluid. One is when I was six and a boy my age said he wanted to be a girl because he wanted a vagina instead of a penis. At this time I first began get very anxious any time the idea of a male appearing female was presented knowing deep down I wanted that, but his desire seemed weird to me. All the fun ofngirlhood and that’s what drives you to want to switch? Totally unrelatable. The other instance comes to puberty thinking “I hope I’m hairy,” yet knowing I would never be cute as a girl if I did. I got my wish and while it’s sad I can’t be smooth, delicate, and passable, I turned out to be the man I wanted and in the end it got me what I have which is apart from letting my lady out, is very good.
hearts and rainbows,
Aoife
Hi Aoife.
Early in my self discovery process I was 100% convinced that I was "only" a crossdresser. Then I started interacting with others in cd/tg chat rooms, and then meeting friends in person, attending events, etc. At some point I started to wonder if there was something "more" about this for me. Yes, and not.
I'm not naive enough to think of me as "only a cd" anymore. It is not about the clothes. It is really about being comfortable with who you are, regardless of the clothes you are wearing or how you choose to present yourself to the world for the day.
I had the chance to be all by myself many times for at least one or two weeks at a time. And you bet that I took those chances to be able to express my feminine side. The longest I spent full time as Gaby was almost 17 days. And I say almost because near the end of that time, I was more than eager to get back to my drab self... Having that short "full time" experience was great, but it also allowed me to see that as much as I was enjoying myself, there were times when, well, it didn't feel totally really me.
I have said before to friends... everybody should have a chance like that to spend at least 2 to 4 weeks of full time as a woman time. Ah, yes, but that full time should be really full time. No changing to a guy if your car breaks down and you have to take it to the shop, or to attend church or to do anything at all. Full time. It would be an eye-opener for most. Many would discover that well, having a chance to dress up every once in a while is enough for them. Others would end up realizing that yes, that is what they really want to do all the rest of their lives.
So yeah, that is how I can be sure... even if I had unlimited resources and all chances to life full time as a woman or start transition, no, that is not for me. (But you bet my closet would be more than fabulous!)
Gaby
Aoife I echo your sentiments entirely.. could have written that myself it chimed so exactly with how I feel.
Gaby, I really feel what you’re saying. The learning experience you have had is so much what I need. I know it would make me a better and more comfortable man and definitely the kind my wife needs me to be. Just need her to understand first!
hearts and rainbows,
Aoife