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It's been 25 years.
That's how long I've spent holding ever so tightly to this piece of my existence, my soul. She's come out many times over the years, manifesting in both positive and negative ways. Some days are good, and I learn new truths about myself. Some days are bad, and I spiral down a rabbit hole of shame, guilt, anxiety and depression. But it was mine alone. My burden to bare, my "problem" to fix.
How does my feminine self reconcile with the persona I put out there for the world? Who is really me?
I've lived a long time with these feelings. I've been able to wrap myself around in them like a warm blanket and shelter, but it was never enough. It was always lonely, always disappointing, and always ended in remorse.
Only recently did I start to realize how little enjoyment I got from my crossdressing escapades. They'd always be build up and fall short, always end in feeling worse than I started, and I realized it was because I had nobody to share this with.
But I did. I have a wife. We've been married 9 years, together 20, and I've always been too scared to approach it. But I was FINALLY getting close. I wrote her a letter, I was planning soon to have "The talk".
Then comes the Quarantine.... and she found my clothes in a bag in the basement. So the best laid plans... often go awry.
She feels betrayed, hurt and lied to. She's right and it feels all the more terrible that I did this to her. It's true I should have trusted her because I love her completely.
So it's been a week and a half. I told my therapist, I told my mother, both of which have been nothing but supportive. She's promised to go to counseling too and we're looking into couples therapy.
But how do I sit in this while we're both working full time at home, taking care of 2 little kids, and barely having enough time to breathe, let alone process all these feelings?
Where to next?
-Nikki, or Mike, or just... Me.
Hi Nikki
These are certainly strange and tough times but there is light, it will subside. The current busy distractions may help both of you, in that its not going to consume your thoughts but let them come in pieces. Its important subject so when at least one of you is ready you'll find make the time!
I've spent much effort letting those I know understand for exactly that reason, so I can be just ME.
May Love endure
Olivia
Hi Nikki nice to meet you and sorry for you but atleast theirs a small silver lining you wife has agreed to work on the therapy so that's a plus . We all have had these issues with telling our wifes and getting the courage to come out and do it . There are lots of girls here that are still in the closet im happy that my wife was one of the ones that accepted my better half as my wife says that's been 36 years now and we have fun as both Stephanie and hubby , anyhow good luck and hope things work out with therapy and keeping love in your family see you around for a chat sometime .
Stephanie Bass
I’ve always had an aversion to conflict. Must be that only child syndrome 🤣😂.
but I’m learning to live with and express my feelings more openly. *raises wine glass* Here’s to the journey! May we come out on the other end in a better place for all!
Nikki, humans are social creatures. We have a strong need to be accepted, and a terrible fear of being rejected by others.
Fear is a strong emotion. It's why many crossdressers don't go out in public, come out to friends, or to their family, or to their spouses. Sometimes the fear is real. For example you may hear people saying negative things. But people also tend to imagine the worst possible scenario, and use that to feed the fear.
The best you can do now is to try to stay calm. Give her time to process this too. You have been living with it your whole life and have come to terms with it. For her it is brand new. Be patient with her, she needs to be able to put her thoughts together before she can confront you. Answer her questions honestly. Even if the answer is "I don't know." It's good that you're planning to seek couples therapy. It shows a willingness for both parties to try to make this work.
Otherwise, just take a big inhale and big exhale, and don't let this consume you with imagined fears.
Hi Nikki,
Sorry to hear that your wife found out before you could tell her. I think going to therapy/counseling together is the best way to go. Sometimes being as busy as you both are can be a good thing. It will help the time between therapy appointments go by. It sounds like you love your wife very much. Be encouraged by the fact that there are members here who have gone through this. There are some articles you may want to check out. Click on articles and go down to significant other perspectives.
Hugs
Autumn
Darling, you're not alone, and you're in the right place!
It's a difficult journey when you've been discovered, but you haven't actually done anything hurtful - you've tried to avoid the hurt.
You haven't betrayed anyone, you've kept something a secret - does anyone not have any secrets?
There's no need to feel guilty about clothing or 50% of the population would be on a perpetual guilt trip.
The main thing is associations and assumptions - if you cross dress, you must be gay, and other such nonsense.
Some gay or bisexual people cross dress, but the majority seem to be heterosexual men, to the point that we feel like lesbians when we're dressed! I feel a physical revulsion to maleness and can't remember when I didn't feel that.
Wearing a dress doesn't change that for me - but some find it does. The inner woman is so strong that some want the full experience.
However you feel, they're your feelings, and you have a right to them.
It can be quite the journey, so Bon voyage, as the French say!
Love Laura
Listen Nikki your not the only one. I have been with my fiance for about 8 years and just a few years ago I discovered this part of my life I absolutely adore. I started out small, buying makeup and pantyhose from work and trying them on while she was sleeping. It was only a matter of time until she found my stash of cosmetics in my bureau. At first she thought I was cheating but when I told her it was mine she was very surprised. Yes she did feel like I didn't trust her with my secret but after telling her how snippets of my childhood had fantasys of me wanting to try womanly things and wishing I was a mermaid. She does feel threatened after I told her about possible transgender feelings but thats another story. She supports me in this because it makes me happy when I'm feeling pretty. If your wife truly loves you she will accept this part of you, no matter what. Hang in there. 🥰
