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Why the double standard

23 Posts
18 Users
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Posts: 74
Lady
Topic starter
(@jennyw)
Estimable Member     Athol, Massachusetts, United States of America
Joined: 8 years ago

I am just throwing it out there...... ? Why! 

Why the double standard when it comes to dressing/ clothes.Women can wear anything they want, dress as Sophisticated or slutty or down (lazy day look) or Manly, and no one will say a word.

My wife which I love to death I truly believe she is my soul mate; but she is not feminine AT ALL! She wears jeans and a sweatshirt 90% of the time can't wear heels at all refuses to even try. Does wear makeup even if we are going out (unless i bitch about it). 

BUT if I want to dress more feminine, she Complains, or if I am fully dressed as Jenny at home when its just us she gets mad if it's more then once a week. 

So I am asking you all again WHY the double standard? I know life is not fair... at all... I am a crossdresser I know. What do you all think.

@why

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22 Replies
9 Replies
(@siobhann)
Joined: 11 months ago

Estimable Member     Colorado, United States of America
Posts: 73

@jennyw I want to point out a thing I noticed, "she doesn't wear make up unless I bitch about it". I was right with you girl, I think we should all dress as we want, or need, so why would you "bitch" about how she wants to dress?  Kinda a double standard

 

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 Lacy
Duchess
(@rholtman96)
Joined: 2 years ago

Reputable Member     Lincoln city, Oregon, United States of America
Posts: 198

@jennyw I asked my wife that same question just the other day. The short answer was, (I don't know). Good Luck!

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3998

@rholtman96 It looks as if "does" is a typo. She probably meant doesn't. It fits the narrative better.

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Ambassador
(@alexina)
Joined: 1 year ago

Illustrious Member     Fife, United Kingdom
Posts: 2168

@jenny

Hi, Jenny.

My wife also wears jeans, leggings or some kind of trousers 100% of the time, has done all our 50 years of knowing each other except for occasions. She does not see this as crossdressing and neither do I. Again, a societal convention that has changed, here in the UK as well, although I don't believe we had a law against it.

I'm sure all of us feel that it is indeed unfair that women can pan-dress while we cannot but we must deal with life as it is, not how we'd like it to be. If we feel strongly enough that things should change, we have the option to act to effect such change...but it won't happen overnight. 

When you say that you bitch about it, that looks very much like you are trying to effect change in your SO'S behaviour by coercion, however mild that may be. For many many years I did the same thing, not about what she wears but that's not important right now (don't call me Frank). All while I steadfastly resisted any attempt to change me.

It has taken me most of my life to learn to accept other people as they are because I have no more right to try to change what they are than they have to try to change me. There is an exception to this and that is to compassionately intervene when the person is harming themselves, and I'm thinking of addiction here. Even then, or maybe especially then such intervention often fails to change the other person's behaviour.

If you want or need to dress more often, then you have the option to do so but you may find it incompatible with maintaining a good relationship.

Both Melodee and Becca make valid points but it's your life, not ours so I'll invoke Sartre once again and say, you are condemned to be free to choose.

This is a caring community and the thoughts and opinions we offer are done so because we care.

Allie 

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Duchess
(@jennconn)
Joined: 2 years ago

Noble Member     Florida, United States of America
Posts: 748

@jennyw my wife always loved to dress up and go out.  I always hated putting on a boring suit and tie to go with her.  After she passed away I started dressing a lot and now have become acutely aware of why she wanted to get dressed up and go out and show off.  It’s just so darn much fun, and the choices are endless for women, and luckily us too.  But back to your question, it is a lot of work to make yourself pretty, and sometimes I don’t want to do it either, especially when I can’t get my makeup to look reasonable.  I guess it’s the same way with GGs that they’ve had a lifetime of getting dressed pretty and it’s just easier to dress down.

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Lady
(@harriette)
Joined: 2 years ago

Illustrious Member     Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3998

Posted by: @jennyw

BUT if I want to dress more feminine, she Complains, or if I am fully dressed as Jenny at home when its just us she gets mad if it's more then once a week. 

This is an example of poor communication that should be investigated. If she can't explain why she feels this way, then it will be difficult for you to deal with her, in the long run.

From a 30,000 foot view, it sounds as if she is jealous, maybe that you end up looking better than her.

The amount of time that you dress also seems to bug her, but what are you doing to help her be more comfortable with your dressing?

Happy wife = happy life still applies to crossdressing. 🥰

 

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Guest
(@Anonymous 93795)
Joined: 1 year ago

Estimable Member
Posts: 189

@jennyw I’ve been contemplating this question for many years, but I don’t care any more. And I will never stop wearing the clothes I enjoy.

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(@playinginmypanties)
Joined: 6 years ago

Estimable Member     Monroe, Connecticut, United States of America
Posts: 170

@jennyw It is happening now. The fashion police are all but gone! If you look there are more companies making panties, bras and even lingerie just for men. Men's clothing is now being made softer and stretch jeans, leggings and pants are now available! Shinny jeans for men are out. Even men's underwear is coming out with more styles,colors and fabrics that look and feel like women's panties! Coach handbags are making handbags for men now. A lot of handbag companies are making bags for men.

Fact more men are buying pantyhose them women are! People are slowly realizing that clothes have no gender, only gender assigned to them. I have been dressing outside 99% of the time and have only a few stares but nothing negative said to me. I have gotten many compliments on my outfits. I don't pass as a woman and don't try to yet! I don't wear make up or a wig! But one thing I wear is a face mask. I don't want my face on social media and my wife a RN is still treating Covid patients. Most people walk around with a smartphone glued to their face, they don't see their surroundings. So unless you dress like Elton John they won't notice you! LOL If you dress conservatively and for your age, you shouldn't have a problem. It's gonna happen that people won't care what we wear as long as we aren't exposing our self. That might change also LOL So hang in there!

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Guest
(@Anonymous 93795)
Joined: 1 year ago

Estimable Member
Posts: 189

@playinginmypanties I love hearing your thoughts and your philosophy on living. Go Brenda!!

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Posts: 1282
(@rebeccabaxter)
    Cornwall, United Kingdom
Joined: 1 year ago

 You can dress once a week, some people on here only get to dress once a year. Some people die young, some live decades longer. There are people in wheelchairs as opposed to being marathon runners or astronauts. Some people are billionaires, most of us have comparatively nothing. We are all different, we all have good things and bad things in our lives, bad things that perhaps make us wish it were someone else, but it's not.

You said it, life isn't fair, you just have to make the most of what you have and feel for those who don't have it as good as you. However badly off one thinks one is, there is always someone else worse off.

I don't suppose that helps much, sorry.

 

Becca

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3 Replies
Lady
(@jennyw)
Joined: 8 years ago

Estimable Member     Athol, Massachusetts, United States of America
Posts: 74

I see your point. But what I am struggling with is why she gets to dress manly 7 days a week and I am Suppose to be ok with it. But she doesn't  have to be ok with me dressing once or twice a week... Depressed  

Thank you for your response 

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Managing Ambassador
(@melodeescarlet)
Joined: 2 years ago

Famed Member     DC/Baltimore, Maryland, United States of America
Posts: 1045

@jennyw This ↑ specifically is about your relationship with your wife, and not really a societal thing, which is what I addressed below ↓.

The good news is, that's much easier. Have a sit down and explain it just that way (though I'd advise stepping a fair bit back from "you can dress manly", that is not likely to go over well). Just note that she's free to dress however she pleases every day, while you feel you are not. It's a fair point and difficult to refute. Though she's apt to fall back on the societal aspect, so we're back down there ↓ :/

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(@heels234)
Joined: 9 years ago

Prominent Member     Mesa, Arizona, United States of America
Posts: 602

@rebeccabaxter Thanks Becca,Your comments help more than what you know.I was feeling sorry for myself until I read your comments.You are correct in everything you said.Thanks,Michelle.

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Posts: 1045
Managing Ambassador
(@melodeescarlet)
Famed Member     DC/Baltimore, Maryland, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

Short Answer: Humans.

Longer Answer: People grow up in a world that has unwritten rules. The ones that exist when they're kids are the ones they feel comfortable with because they make sense to them. As they get older, they need those rules to stay the same because they've gotten used to them. If the rules change, then they have to change and they've spent all this time becoming who they are now so that's work they don't want. Remember, we're all adults effectively built by children.

Now, specifically as it applies to CDs, I feel that's the domain of men. Men have to defend their sexuality - it's a mammalian thing. Staking off territory, being the most manly, etc. Millennia of ingrained mammal behavior, big brains be d___ed. However, despite the front, mostly they're insecure about it (because again, humans), but they can't act like they are. So men who appear as women present a big problem for these men needing to appear very masculine: "What if I find a CD/TG person attractive? What does that say about my sexuality?!" Cue panic and anxiety, which no one wants. OK, so how do this person ensure they never have to have that inner dialogue? Easy, just remove the chances of that happening. Make it illegal or at least shame the heck out of it at every opportunity.

Clearly the correct answer is to start removing that overt masculine drive so men can better deal with their sexuality and things surrounding it. However, that's a long road. I'd note that it's been a mere 100 years since women could wear pants in the US legally. One hundred years! You categorically know or knew someone who lived through that time. Yet today it seems a bizarre notion. So, this too shall pass...just maybe some of us are those women who lived 150 years ago who only got to dream about it.

(shrug) Humans.

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Posts: 1098
 Lea
Lady
(@lea-jhene)
Noble Member     California, United States of America
Joined: 9 years ago

Absolutely, girl, I don't get the double standard. I guess it's payback for all the hardships GGs endured for centuries.

I'm going to just keep pushing the envelope because I know I'm ahead of my time, just like all you ladies. I started being a CD long before the young generation was wearing male skinny jeans and "manscapuing".

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Posts: 1114
Duchess Annual
(@firefly)
Noble Member     Panama, Panama, Panama
Joined: 7 years ago

I agree with Melodee's short answer: humans. Sometimes I think humans are not as rational as we have been led to believe. Actually many times. I remember in my childhood asking my nanny why Bugs Bunny could groom himself as a woman and I couldn't. She shrugged and forgot what I had just asked her. Needless to say, I have never found the answer.

Gisela

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Posts: 2099
Hostess
(@cdsue)
Famed Member     Delaware, United States of America
Joined: 5 years ago

A question I don't think there will ever be an answer for. Looking back thru history there was a time where men wore make up, lace trimmed clothes and wigs. Present day men wear kilts without any issue and there are some cultures where robes are acceptable.

As to the question you ask, that is what society has come to accept. My wife also dresses in jeans and t-shirts or polos and that's okay, whatever she is comfortable in. When we are going out for a special occasion she will wear a dress and make up and that is okay too. Personally I wish I had more freedom in what I can wear in public (without any issues) but alas in our society it is not an acceptable norm yet. I would love nothing more than to be able to wear a sundress in the summer, no binding, lighter material, more comfortable but isn't going to happen so I accept it for now. I do get jealous of the women that are able to do so though. We have to remember how time changes things. There was a time in this country where men had to wear full coverage bathing suits on the beach, now they don't. Bikinis were thought to be scandalous at one time, now they are on the beach in string bikinis that leave little to the imagination. 

My wife is accepting of my dressing to a point but doesn't want me going out in public and there are rare times when I am able to dress when she is home. They are here boundaries and I respect them. I would love to go out in public and dress more often but I understand and accept her boundaries. I think because of that she helps me with my dressing, she gives me clothes that she doesn't wear anymore, shops with me online and in person, took me to get my ears pierced, we go for mani-pedi's every couple months and I get color on my toes when it isn't sandal season, I shave my legs in the winter and other things. 

We've come a long way - there was a time when what we do would put you in jail or a mental institution and that wasn't that long ago. The process is like molasses going uphill in the winter but it is a process. You see more gender neutral bathrooms now than before. I know of places that have been redone to just have gender neutral bathrooms to avoid issues. As some point it won't make a difference how anyone dresses. A man in a dress is better than a man not wearing anything in public - think about that.

XOXO
Suzanne

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Posts: 58
Lady
(@kimmes)
Estimable Member     Noord-Holland, Netherlands
Joined: 1 year ago

I've posted this quote before: 

Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short, wear shirts and boots cause it’s okay to be a boy. But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading cause you think being a girl is degrading.

Madonna.

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Posts: 74
Lady
Topic starter
(@jennyw)
Estimable Member     Athol, Massachusetts, United States of America
Joined: 8 years ago

Want to thank you all that have responded.

I just get frustrated and I am so tired of fighting  with myself over how I feel all the time. I seem to not feel manly enough most days and look girly enough to pass happy enough in public. 

So to have my SO complain is the straw the breaks me sometimes. 

Again thank you ladies for responding Big Love Eyes Smile  

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Posts: 81
Lady
(@sarahl)
Estimable Member     Kalamazoo , Michigan, United States of America
Joined: 2 years ago

My wife wears whatever she wants. Usually pants and a shirt. Sometimes it's from the men's department. For almost 8 years now I wear exclusively wemens. I have work cloths that aren't overly feminine but they are wemens. I've NEVER seen my wife in a dress. I own more dresses than she does. Around the house I can wear a dress without wig and breastforms but to go somewhere in public in a dress wig and breastforms are a must. I recently bought a coat from temu. Fuzzy black,white n Grey. 3 by 3 blocks if each color. I was in a store with it on and one of the guys said that's a nice coat. I said wemens department temu, how much do you like it now? He answered if it fits,it looks good. Then the other two guys working there said at the same time, I wear wemens cloths too. So I asked when is it going to be socially acceptable for me to wear a dress and not have to wear a wig and breastforms? None of us had an answer. 

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Posts: 1741
Duchess
(@alison-anderson)
Noble Member     Middlesex county, New Jersey, United States of America
Joined: 6 years ago

The answer to why is because years ago, enough women put up with crap about wearing pants until it became accepted as a societal norm.

If you want men to be able to wear women's clothes, you have to have enough men who want to do it, who are willing to put up with crap for years, to find designers who will make skirts, dresses and tops that better fit the male figure, until enough people are doing it that society becomes accustomed to it and no longer makes a big deal. The problem is that there aren't enough men who would want to wear such clothing to be able to start the process. Thus the double standard continues.

If you were to wear a skirt or dress but otherwise present as a man, and did it all the time, you would definitely draw attention to yourself. But if you did it all day every day, it wouldn't take long until it became the norm (at least with people you see regularly) and people would stop taking notice, or at least stop making comments. Look up Mark Bryan on the internet who almost always wears a man's shirt with a skirt and heels.

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Posts: 155
Lady
(@butteryeffect)
Reputable Member     Preston, Lancashire, United Kingdom
Joined: 2 years ago

Firstly I imagine your wife is wearing women's clothes, i.e. designed for womens bodies and sold as clothes for women. Whilst it might not be your idea of feminine and jeans-and-a-hoodie can be worn by anyone, there are men's jeans and hoodies and womens jeans and hoodies. Some items of clothing in a lot of western cultures are specifically for women, e.g. a dress, if you look around the world you will see men in dress-like garments but even then there are mens and womens versions. People are socialised from a very early age into this gender binary and ultimately it comes down to what is "normal" and what is "a bit weird".

On the wider point I think women dressing in a more masculine way is seen as stepping up the power scale, men traditionally having more power than women. But a man dressing in a more feminine way is seen as giving up power and being more submissive and society doesn't like that. A lot of women like powerful men and find it hard to understand why a man would want to be more feminine.

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