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So much has happened in my life in the last 7-8 months. I have been struggling with trying to come to grips my gender issues for much of my life since I was 11 years old which was my first CONSICOUS memory of dressing in female clothes. (I do not remember at all the two years or so at age 4-6 when my oldest sister dressed me up and treated as her little sister Cynthia. ) The discomfort and uncertainty I felt about my gender –along with an extremely shy nature- meant that I didn’t end up dating in high school or college or for a while after that either. Girls placed me smack dab in the middle of that place called the “friend zone”. (Which looking back on it I can understand why if they saw through the curtains of my life that hid (or at least masked) my inner feminine soul.)
Because arousal was such a big part of my dressing for so long(not the ONLY part but a large part), I had convinced myself that I was “just a crossdresser and had zero interest in BEING a girl! This belief was further reinforced by the fact that immediately after relieving the arousal, I was usually overcome with guilt and shame and an intense urge to REMOVE the feminine items as quickly as possible. Each instance would satisfy the feminine urges for a WHILE though over the years the intervals between dressing became shorter and shorter until after my divorce it became a daily thing and even several times a day. And the need to remove the clothing after release went away. I felt perfectly comfortable and natural remaining in the women’s clothing even after release occurred. I was reading TG fiction nearly everyday and then an event occurred which was destined to change my life!
On the side of the page of one of the fiction sites, I saw an “ad” for a giveaway of a pair of breastforms .I had always wanted something better for my “breasts” than rolled up stockings or socks so I figured “what the heck” and entered the drawing at a website called “Crossdresser Heaven” ! Sadly, I did NOT win the drawing-held about two weeks later….but I did get something that was worth a hundred time as much!
It was a letter(email/PM ) I received from what I figured was some French Lady whose name was “Codille” with an invitation to share of myself in the forums(this was prior to the starting of the chat room). I’m not sure what my initial reply was to her but I remember my first post (‘cause I am a pack rat who tends to keep EVERYTHING ! ) said “Dipping my toes in the water…with pretty pink nail polish!”. Codille befriended me and before I knew it, I had told my life story to her-everything that had brought me to the point where I was! To her great credit, and to my utter astonishment and amazement, she did NOT run away screaming from this crazy woman who had written her almost 15 pages in just one of the many long email and PM strings.
I became very active in the forums and at Codille’s encouragement, I slowly emerged from behind the scenes –posting multiple topics in the forums, greeting new visitors and members, and beginning to re-examine the reasons and motives for my crossdressing. I had by that point made a conscious decision to be as open and honest as possible to the site members about WHO I was and what my thought process was about where I fell on the CD/TG spectrum. The same thing happened in regards to sharing pictures of myself as Cynthia-I decided would no longer hide her behind an avatar but let her be seen and let the chips fall where they may. Again, surprising me immensely, I was welcomed with open arms and eventually was asked to become an ambassador for the site.
Nervous but wanting to help as much as possible, I agreed and that was shortly before the chat room began. WE had many initial hiccups along the way as chat evolved through versions 1 through 5(how we made it through that? Lots of alcohol and laughter and Vanessa working 48 hours a day to get it all working! .) The chat room was new for me-I had never been in a live conversation with so many folks(up to 20 at a time) and I struggled to keep up at first but soon I was chatting away like a pro (WELL…like a pro with all thumbs and no fingers who constantly transposes and leaves out letters and started the brand new language of Cynese!-(lessons and examples provided nightly in the chat room at no additional cost!)
Many adventures and baby steps have taken place over the last 6-8 months as I explored my feelings and checked off boxes on the “have I tried this yet?” list. I won’t list them all again here, since I have listed those in other posts ( https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/the-future-begins-with-us/ , https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/reflections-on-a-year-of-change/ , https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/growth-and-hibernation/ ). So now 2016 is one third gone already! And I find myself still pondering my final destination on this journey of discovery about my gender issues. The list of people who know about my gender confusion (as opposed to my CD behaviors) has expanded geometrically. Not including the hundreds of members here on the site, The number of people who know of Cynthia’s growth and possible future transitioning has ballooned from just my counselor to a total of ten people and EACH of those people has been accepting of my need to express my feminine side.
Most recently, the LAST person –who JUST found out about my transgender feelings was my oldest sister. She was one of the people who had me MOST worried about her reaction because of previous comments that seemed to indicate a phobia toward trans people. I figured EVENTUALLY she would come around because I was family but had feared an initial rejection. Amazingly to me she accepted me from the start. She found out last week and I called her this Monday to see if she wanted to talk about it. She texted me yes and then I asked her if she wanted to see me “dressed” to which she replied “sure why not!”
A bit nervously, I got dressed and did my makeup and then the doorbell rang. I hesitated for only a moment before opening the door and welcoming her to my home as Cynthia! She gave me a hug and a kiss and told me I looked fantastic. We talked for about 6 hours and I showed her lots of pictures-of which she was very complimentary. I showed her all Cyn’s stuff (THAT took a while! ), and spent a lovely evening together as sisters. More importantly, I felt absolutely and completely natural and comfortable being Cynthia with her! What a different experience it was than I had been anticipating! It was fabtastic!
So that brings me to today..and a crossroads where I have to make a choice. Do I keep things where they are status quo-dressing at home in private? Or do I continue to push the boundaries of the exploration-going off the map’s edges and seeing how Cynthia does exploring and being open and interactive with the general public and family and friends as Cynthia? If I want to keep the options open for Cynthia, I think I HAVE to see how she feels when out in the real world, so that is what I plan on doing this spring, summer, and fall! Cynthia is going to continue her adventures and explorations to see if I can feel comfortable and natural in that environment. IT is only at that point that I can begin to make decisions and plans for the long term!
SO the metamorphosis continues. Nature has four stages for a caterpillar’s journey to become a butterfly! First is the egg phase where the mother lays her egg in a place prepared for it to grow. For me , this was the time from birth to age 11 when I first began dressing in the comfort and privacy of my own home.
The next step is the caterpillar or larva stage. In this stage, the caterpillar eats and is growing and in growing sheds the outer layers of its skin. I spends this stage close to the place where it was born-where the mother laid her eggs. For me this phase began at about age 11. I devoured all the research and info I could find about CD/TG/TS issues using that as fuel to help me grow and begin to shed the masculine skin/shell as I experimented with clothes and hair and makeup. This is the phase that I am currently approaching the end of though I have a bit more to go as I gain comfort in the world as Cynthia.
The third stage , the chrysalis or pupa, is where the caterpillar after fully growing as much as it can wraps itself in a cocoon and begins the transformation toward the beautiful butterfly it will become. It may appear that nothing is happening, but all the body parts are transforming from the comparatively drab they were previously. For me, should I decide to move forward, this would be the time for HRT and perhaps eventually SRS as the formerly male shell is transformed(to the extent possible) into the more colorful and curvy feminine form. When/if this step is completed(which is the decision I will face , Cynthia would be ready to truly spread her wings as she entered the fourth stage!
In the final stage-adult butterfly-the butterfly emerges slowly form the cocoon and rests for a bit before it stretches its wings and prepares to take flight! At that point, it looks for a mate to reproduce and live out its life! I hope to get to this point eventually, finding that person I can spend the rest of my life with , loving and being loved, rejoicing in finally being the beautiful female butterfly that was always waiting deep inside the caterpillar!
So I am looking forward to another momentous year and am so delighted to be able to share it with my wonderful friends here at CDH! AS I often do, I’ll close with a poem that I will also post separately in the Poet’s Corner forum.
Thanks for helping me find my way!
Luv,
Cyn
A Cynful Journey
IT all began some years ago before I e’en was born.
Somehow the link between my soul and body suddenly was torn.
The hormone wash that normally turns female into male
Within the womb in my case ended up a partial fail.
While body parts were changed as planned, the mind was left the same-
A female brain and soul was trapped though no one was to blame.
The early years are vague to me- so filled with fog and haze.
It wasn’t ‘til my near teen years that left me in a daze.
The girls in skirts and dresses were so pretty to us guys
But unlike other boys I suddenly did realize
That lust was not what drove my thoughts envy through and through!
How terribly unfair that I could not wear dresses too.
The feelings never lessened so I learned my thoughts to hide
And secretly I’d steal upstairs so no one would deride.
Those hidden days of joy I felt when dressed as I should be
For even then a part of me knew I should be a ‘she’.
The years rolled quickly onward but the urges did not wane.
Instead they seemed to multiply and swiftly filled my brain.
What once I thought had been a choice was now a tidal wave
That overwhelmed the walls I’d built my sanity to save.
As both my kids had moved out, I began to get the urge
To dress as Cynthia all the time and possibly to splurge.
I’ve waited nigh on forty years to finally get to show
The part of me that hid so long and few did e’er her know!
I’ve had such fun exploring life enjoying being free
To let my feminine habits show. So now the world could see
Her true appearance that I had kept hidden for so long.
It made my soul feel joyous nearly breaking into song!
I don’t completely understand why some of us must face
This hard and painful journey but we’re also given Grace
To help us through the desert years before we reach the well
That when we drink delivers is to Heaven out of Hell.
For God knows when it’s time for us to be who we should be
And then we’re finally able to fulfill our destiny.
Had I not lived for many years so full of lonely strife,
I might not have the kids who are the reason for my life!
So I must place my trust in Him that He’ll give me a sign
To let me know when I am ready to step cross that line.
To take the steps to synthesize my body and my soul
And finally be the woman that has always been my goal.
Wow, we have so much in common! I love the butterfly analogy, so apt! I am at the point of thinking how to 'come out' to my family, including my big sister who did lend me a dress in my teens so maybe she already has an inkling?
I want to tell my son first, but I have to admit the prospect of sitting him down for a 'father / son' talk with a BIG difference is a bit daunting. Your experience makes me feel stronger and more resolved to finally have that talk so I can be totally and 100% honest with him and then with the rest of the family.
ps: just submitted another article on my 'journey', hope it gets published so you can see how we seem to be travelling a very similar road!
Georgie,
xx
We are on the same road Cyn..everything yoyou said is so familiar. You are a few miles ahead of me though. Hopefully I can draw from this and make my journey a little easier. I'm so glad we are friends!
Georgina,
I am humbled by your reply! I guess we never know who we are influencing when we sit down to write or even just living our lives! Thank you so much for taking the time to write your reply. It really helps make the writing effort seem worthwhile! I look forward to reading your next article too!
Jesse,
Thank you so much for you kind words! I so treasure your friendship! So many of us have had so much great stuff happen in our lives this past year! I can't WAIT to see what this year brings! Also can't wait to meet you-well the guys will meet hopefully anyway at the Battle at Bristol! Go Hokies and Go Vols! May the best team win!
Luv,
Cyn
2016_personal stories: skippy1965(Cynthia) original post:
So much has happened in my life in the last 7-8 months. I have been struggling with trying to come to grips my gender issues for much of my life since I was 11 years old which was my first CONSICOUS memory of dressing in female clothes. (I do not remember at all the two years or so at age 4-6 when my oldest sister dressed me up and treated as her little sister Cynthia. ) The discomfort and uncertainty I felt about my gender –along with an extremely shy nature- meant that I didn’t end up dating in high school or college or for a while after that either. Girls placed me smack dab in the middle of that place called the “friend zone”. (Which looking back on it I can understand why if they saw through the curtains of my life that hid (or at least masked) my inner feminine soul.)
Because arousal was such a big part of my dressing for so long(not the ONLY part but a large part), I had convinced myself that I was “just a crossdresser and had zero interest in BEING a girl! This belief was further reinforced by the fact that immediately after relieving the arousal, I was usually overcome with guilt and shame and an intense urge to REMOVE the feminine items as quickly as possible. Each instance would satisfy the feminine urges for a WHILE though over the years the intervals between dressing became shorter and shorter until after my divorce it became a daily thing and even several times a day. And the need to remove the clothing after release went away. I felt perfectly comfortable and natural remaining in the women’s clothing even after release occurred. I was reading TG fiction nearly everyday and then an event occurred which was destined to change my life!
On the side of the page of one of the fiction sites, I saw an “ad” for a giveaway of a pair of breastforms .I had always wanted something better for my “breasts” than rolled up stockings or socks so I figured “what the heck” and entered the drawing at a website called “Crossdresser Heaven” ! Sadly, I did NOT win the drawing-held about two weeks later….but I did get something that was worth a hundred time as much!
It was a letter(email/PM ) I received from what I figured was some French Lady whose name was “Codille” with an invitation to share of myself in the forums(this was prior to the starting of the chat room). I’m not sure what my initial reply was to her but I remember my first post (‘cause I am a pack rat who tends to keep EVERYTHING ! ) said “Dipping my toes in the water…with pretty pink nail polish!”. Codille befriended me and before I knew it, I had told my life story to her-everything that had brought me to the point where I was! To her great credit, and to my utter astonishment and amazement, she did NOT run away screaming from this crazy woman who had written her almost 15 pages in just one of the many long email and PM strings.
I became very active in the forums and at Codille’s encouragement, I slowly emerged from behind the scenes –posting multiple topics in the forums, greeting new visitors and members, and beginning to re-examine the reasons and motives for my crossdressing. I had by that point made a conscious decision to be as open and honest as possible to the site members about WHO I was and what my thought process was about where I fell on the CD/TG spectrum. The same thing happened in regards to sharing pictures of myself as Cynthia-I decided would no longer hide her behind an avatar but let her be seen and let the chips fall where they may. Again, surprising me immensely, I was welcomed with open arms and eventually was asked to become an ambassador for the site.
Nervous but wanting to help as much as possible, I agreed and that was shortly before the chat room began. WE had many initial hiccups along the way as chat evolved through versions 1 through 5(how we made it through that? Lots of alcohol and laughter and Vanessa working 48 hours a day to get it all working! .) The chat room was new for me-I had never been in a live conversation with so many folks(up to 20 at a time) and I struggled to keep up at first but soon I was chatting away like a pro (WELL…like a pro with all thumbs and no fingers who constantly transposes and leaves out letters and started the brand new language of Cynese!-(lessons and examples provided nightly in the chat room at no additional cost!)
Many adventures and baby steps have taken place over the last 6-8 months as I explored my feelings and checked off boxes on the “have I tried this yet?” list. I won’t list them all again here, since I have listed those in other posts ( https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/the-future-begins-with-us/ , https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/reflections-on-a-year-of-change/ , https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/forums/topic/growth-and-hibernation/ ). So now 2016 is one third gone already! And I find myself still pondering my final destination on this journey of discovery about my gender issues. The list of people who know about my gender confusion (as opposed to my CD behaviors) has expanded geometrically. Not including the hundreds of members here on the site, The number of people who know of Cynthia’s growth and possible future transitioning has ballooned from just my counselor to a total of ten people and EACH of those people has been accepting of my need to express my feminine side.
Most recently, the LAST person –who JUST found out about my transgender feelings was my oldest sister. She was one of the people who had me MOST worried about her reaction because of previous comments that seemed to indicate a phobia toward trans people. I figured EVENTUALLY she would come around because I was family but had feared an initial rejection. Amazingly to me she accepted me from the start. She found out last week and I called her this Monday to see if she wanted to talk about it. She texted me yes and then I asked her if she wanted to see me “dressed” to which she replied “sure why not!”
A bit nervously, I got dressed and did my makeup and then the doorbell rang. I hesitated for only a moment before opening the door and welcoming her to my home as Cynthia! She gave me a hug and a kiss and told me I looked fantastic. We talked for about 6 hours and I showed her lots of pictures-of which she was very complimentary. I showed her all Cyn’s stuff (THAT took a while! ), and spent a lovely evening together as sisters. More importantly, I felt absolutely and completely natural and comfortable being Cynthia with her! What a different experience it was than I had been anticipating! It was fabtastic!
So that brings me to today..and a crossroads where I have to make a choice. Do I keep things where they are status quo-dressing at home in private? Or do I continue to push the boundaries of the exploration-going off the map’s edges and seeing how Cynthia does exploring and being open and interactive with the general public and family and friends as Cynthia? If I want to keep the options open for Cynthia, I think I HAVE to see how she feels when out in the real world, so that is what I plan on doing this spring, summer, and fall! Cynthia is going to continue her adventures and explorations to see if I can feel comfortable and natural in that environment. IT is only at that point that I can begin to make decisions and plans for the long term!
SO the metamorphosis continues. Nature has four stages for a caterpillar’s journey to become a butterfly! First is the egg phase where the mother lays her egg in a place prepared for it to grow. For me , this was the time from birth to age 11 when I first began dressing in the comfort and privacy of my own home.
The next step is the caterpillar or larva stage. In this stage, the caterpillar eats and is growing and in growing sheds the outer layers of its skin. I spends this stage close to the place where it was born-where the mother laid her eggs. For me this phase began at about age 11. I devoured all the research and info I could find about CD/TG/TS issues using that as fuel to help me grow and begin to shed the masculine skin/shell as I experimented with clothes and hair and makeup. This is the phase that I am currently approaching the end of though I have a bit more to go as I gain comfort in the world as Cynthia.
The third stage , the chrysalis or pupa, is where the caterpillar after fully growing as much as it can wraps itself in a cocoon and begins the transformation toward the beautiful butterfly it will become. It may appear that nothing is happening, but all the body parts are transforming from the comparatively drab they were previously. For me, should I decide to move forward, this would be the time for HRT and perhaps eventually SRS as the formerly male shell is transformed(to the extent possible) into the more colorful and curvy feminine form. When/if this step is completed(which is the decision I will face , Cynthia would be ready to truly spread her wings as she entered the fourth stage!
In the final stage-adult butterfly-the butterfly emerges slowly form the cocoon and rests for a bit before it stretches its wings and prepares to take flight! At that point, it looks for a mate to reproduce and live out its life! I hope to get to this point eventually, finding that person I can spend the rest of my life with , loving and being loved, rejoicing in finally being the beautiful female butterfly that was always waiting deep inside the caterpillar!
So I am looking forward to another momentous year and am so delighted to be able to share it with my wonderful friends here at CDH! AS I often do, I’ll close with a poem that I will also post separately in the Poet’s Corner forum.
Thanks for helping me find my way!
Luv,
Cyn
A Cynful Journey
IT all began some years ago before I e’en was born.
Somehow the link between my soul and body suddenly was torn.
The hormone wash that normally turns female into male
Within the womb in my case ended up a partial fail.
While body parts were changed as planned, the mind was left the same-
A female brain and soul was trapped though no one was to blame.
The early years are vague to me- so filled with fog and haze.
It wasn’t ‘til my near teen years that left me in a daze.
The girls in skirts and dresses were so pretty to us guys
But unlike other boys I suddenly did realize
That lust was not what drove my thoughts envy through and through!
How terribly unfair that I could not wear dresses too.
The feelings never lessened so I learned my thoughts to hide
And secretly I’d steal upstairs so no one would deride.
Those hidden days of joy I felt when dressed as I should be
For even then a part of me knew I should be a ‘she’.
The years rolled quickly onward but the urges did not wane.
Instead they seemed to multiply and swiftly filled my brain.
What once I thought had been a choice was now a tidal wave
That overwhelmed the walls I’d built my sanity to save.
As both my kids had moved out, I began to get the urge
To dress as Cynthia all the time and possibly to splurge.
I’ve waited nigh on forty years to finally get to show
The part of me that hid so long and few did e’er her know!
I’ve had such fun exploring life enjoying being free
To let my feminine habits show. So now the world could see
Her true appearance that I had kept hidden for so long.
It made my soul feel joyous nearly breaking into song!
I don’t completely understand why some of us must face
This hard and painful journey but we’re also given Grace
To help us through the desert years before we reach the well
That when we drink delivers is to Heaven out of Hell.
For God knows when it’s time for us to be who we should be
And then we’re finally able to fulfill our destiny.
Had I not lived for many years so full of lonely strife,
I might not have the kids who are the reason for my life!
So I must place my trust in Him that He’ll give me a sign
To let me know when I am ready to step cross that line.
To take the steps to synthesize my body and my soul
And finally be the woman that has always been my goal.