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It has less than a month since Anita has been allowed to become a distinct personality. The reasons for that decision are not clear, but it seemed to be a decision that had been long deferred and could no longer be deferred. I am moving fairly slowly, wearing only a night gown at night and underwear (including a bra) that can be hidden under my "normal" clothing. My wife knows and is guarded in her response. I've told no one else since there is no need for them to know at this point. My wife is afraid of losing the "man" she married, and I wonder what happens to the integrated personality that I have known for years. Still there seems to be an ongoing process of discovery that makes sense of the past in ways that did not happen before and a sense that by allowing myself to become Anita at least at times, that I have become more empathetic towards women and trans gendered people. As Anita, I am aware of things that I have not been aware of before. Questions that came up during therapy for an atypical anxiety disorder 30 years ago have answers that make sense. Can I make use of those insights and increased awareness without cross dresssing; without trying to be more openly femnine. The answer is yes. So why continue?
Dressing as a woman feels right. I can't say why, but it does. I'm not sure that the why matters. Being a man who dresses as a woman and wants to be accepted at least at times as a woman brings a recognition of the vulnerability that is the reality for all people, but easy to gloss over as a white male in a society dominated by white males. It calls into questions all the cultural assumptions of what being male or female means. In a perfect world, people would just be who they are and not confined to categories that are independent of biological differences. That questioning of cultural norms is in my opinion what makes being trans sexual, trans gender, gay, lesbian, or even just a cross dresser so threatening.
There have been frustration in this journey too. The biggest is a sense of knowing that what has made me happier than I've been in quite a while cannot be readily shared in my large community for fear of negative repercussions and lack of understanding. I struggle with feelings of playing at being a woman which because of biology never arose in being a man. I realize that as a woman, there are things I will never be able to experience that seem core experiences. But even with the frustrations, there seems something almost mystical in the cross dressing experience. Whatever the future holds, I am thankful to have come this far.
There are many pivotal moments in our journeys. They can include the first time out, coming out to friends and family or sometimes even something much more basic.
For me one of those was realising that I didn't need to know 'why' I am like I am and I like doing what I do. When I no longer asked why it made getting on with life easier. I could face the person in the mirror a lot easier.
Allow yourself to enjoy that happiness you've found. Share the happiness at least, if not the reason for it, with those around you. You never know who might begin to like the happier person even more.
Reading other peoples stories are inspiring to me as I am quite new to these pages. Crossdressing is part of my life since I was 14. 50 years ago. I found my sisters old panties in the rag bag I remember wearing panties under my school uniform but didn't have the courage to go to finally go to school like that. I have tried to stop for social reasons but can't stop long term. The urge is always there. I need the reassurance that I have a wardrobe of clothes there for me. I have purged and regretted that. Accepting this as part of me is liberating and guilt is no longer there. I am in New Zealand so there are no support groups that I can go to around where I live. I dream of living life as a woman. It's a lot of work too. I can get dressed in just a few minutes but putting on make up and doing my nails still takes me a fair bit of time. But each day when I dress, my reward is immediate. I feel right in myself and sometimes sexy. Going out in male outer clothes, I am dressed as a woman underneath. I have always seen myself as straight but as a woman, I yearn for a man in my life. A caring man who will accept me as Joanne. I wish that I had accepted myself years ago and life would be different now. So to all the younger people out there, follow your journey to where you want to go. Counselors couldn't help me, Behavioral therapists in various forms couldn't. Aversion therapy didn't either. I am amazed and cringe at what I went through. I now understand that I didn't want to change. So I love shopping for women's clothes, It's wonderful finding panties and bras that fit well. Dress styles that fit my bust and hips. And one day heels that are comfortable for more than a couple of hours. It's fun trying to get those as I get to wear a lot of styles. I open my handbag and see all Joanne's things, lipstick, other makeup, of course a couple of tampons, what girl wouldn't have one on hand. I enjoy being a girl and all that brings to my life. Love to everyone, Joanne
Joanne,
I'm so glad you posted your response. It sounds like you have to fight through a hostile environment to get to the point of being able to accept yourself as you are. It sounds like you had really bad experiences with therapy focused on controlling behavior rather then exploring who you are. My own experience in therapy was much different although we never quite got to the trans gender feelings. Thirty or forty years ago, there seemed to be a much greater social stigma tied to non gender proscribed behavior but a lot has changed since then. There seems to be more acceptance, at least in more densely populated urban areas. I have found that in many ways we create the person we are through the relationships we form and how we maintain them. I am relationally very male (in the sense of proscribed behavior) and finding away to recreate my relationships with more feminine behavior is something that I have not figured out how to do yet. I would like to be accepted as a female in a relational sense (I'm jealous of my wife because she is going to tea with the other ladies on our block), but aware that many of the relational expectations on me re-enforce male identity and male behavior. I'm new enough to this that I am not willing to rend the relational fabric that has made me who I have been to make a new me that is more female. It sounds like you are closer (which may be both better and worse)to being able to create a new relational fabric as a woman. I really hope that you can. You sound like such a sweet person who has suffered much and is due some happiness.
Hi Anita
may I say what a truly inspiring story. As someone who is only new to this journey, I can relate to your feelings. I cannot say why at this stage in my life I have started or where it will lead, but I do realise that wanting to be accepted more as a woman has truly made me happier. I'm at a stage where I only wear underwear and not out to anyone, but the thought of wearing pretty clothes fills me with joy. I am so glad to be in a place where I am accepted for who I am, want to be and can access support from like minded people.
thank you
Debbie
I feel there are times when I get lost in the maleness of my life and the expectations of others on me. This week has been challenging; two afternoons at the ecumenical day center for the homeless that I volunteer at and a night overnight at my church's temporary shelter for homeless men (many of the same men I see at the day center) have really cut into my time.
I painted my toe nails for the first time last week, pink. Looking at them makes me happy. Knowing that they were there and what they looked like seemed to be the thread that kept me present through this week. There are times when I fear that I will just get suppressed again.
I did get to bake cookies today and start helping my wife decorate the tree. Life is better right now. I've also set up a time to talk with my one friend who should be open to my journey and about the only friend that I know I can confide in without judgment. Being able to just talk to someone will be a tremendous help; it will get me out of my circular thoughts.
I agree Anita, it's so easy to get stuck in the malelesness of life, especially with my career and relationship. I think it's high time I started considering a bra at least, I have a particular yearning to build my chest size for wearing a dress.
Hi Anita
Wonderful to paint your toenails and begin to feel feminine most of the time. Having things that we can do to keep feminine is quite a trick isn't it? Little dashes of perfume, I like some Neutrogena facial moisturiser. Putting it on carefully and knowing it's there is always good. And safe to do, in front of my wife. It's easy to wear panties of some sort. Plain womens panties are so like mens that you can easily get away with that. It is ironic, that they can wear underwear like ours, but we can't wear underwear like theirs. Goes for all their clothes too. It is actually just plain unfair. Small things can keep us feeling feminine. Taking time out to browse in women's sections of stores. Pantihose under our trousers. Knee highs and even stocking foot socks can keep us in the zone. I have been really desperate sometimes and resorted to just a panty liner, or a tampon. Even carrying a tampon in my pocket. Anything to identify myself with me, Joanne. Today, I am fully dressed. Black bra and panties, black pantihose and my little black dress. A load of my washing on, underwear and and tops this time. I love looking after my femme wardrobe. All packed away in a suitcase and hidden. I am starting to find that really annoying. Christmas is coming up and with visitors and family all the time, Joanne will get lost in the mix. I need to have access to my femininity and little things will have to tide me over. I love being Joanne, life is better, more congruent. Lets make sure that we do something each day to bring out our femininity. We are very lucky to have these wonderful feelings of being feminine. We may not always recognise that. Not just the clothes but the longing to enjoy all that being a woman means. I am envious of my wife when she gets a real kick out of being dressed up. I feel that too and can't share that. Does anyone know what herbs or recipes can get my journey going? I have read that some people use these. Can these alter my bust size?
Love to all
Joanne XXOO
I had lunch with a close friend of mine today with the plan of coming out to him. I was running late (DC area Metro decided to skip a train) and by the time I got to the restaurant he was there and sitting at a small table for two less than an arms length from other tables. We always have multiple topics to talk about and even though I don't know anyone else in that area (no fear of seeing someone I know), I still feel uncomfortable about anyone overhearing what I'm talking about. (Detour: I've always felt uncomfortable in the sense that I felt that people would catch on at some point with no idea of what they were going to catch on to and that I would be seen as a fraud. It has made social situations very anxiety laden.) So we talked about the other topics: politics, quantum physics (I can follow the math but I don't know the theory), religion and ended up on identity in a more general sense (and the use of cultural forms as structures which are used for evolving identity). This provided a natural opening so I went ahead and told him that I thought I was transgender and starting to explore gender identity issues. He was both accepting and cautioning: he knows well that intelligent people (and he thinks I am) can become self deluded (which I already recognize in myself) because of the ability to form connections that are plausible but not necessarily real between feelings, events, and attitudes. This sent us spiraling though a somewhat informed discussion of biological, cultural, and psychological gender and their relations to the cultural expectations for behavior. It was a good conversation in that we came up with more questions than answers in an attitude that exploration was to be encouraged. I told him that I was hoping that I could get my wife to go with me to a gender therapist after the holidays so we could go on the exploration together, discover the options and solutions that were nominally available, and create our own solution that enhances our relationship. Towards the end of the conversations he startled me by saying "I'm not surprise really. When I look at your project management style, I was never frightened by you. There was always a sense of nurturing and support." He went on to talk about how he always wanted to be with the guys and I told him that I was far more comfortable being one of the girls. We'll keep talking; he will be blunt and honest with me and keep me honest with myself. The only thing I'm disappointed in is that I felt uncomfortable in the surrounding asking him to call me by my name, Anita. I really want to physically hear someone call me that, but that time will come.
Congrats, Anita. It took a ton of courage to open up like that. Kudos!
2016_personal stories: Anita Watkins original post:
It has less than a month since Anita has been allowed to become a distinct personality. The reasons for that decision are not clear, but it seemed to be a decision that had been long deferred and could no longer be deferred. I am moving fairly slowly, wearing only a night gown at night and underwear (including a bra) that can be hidden under my “normal” clothing. My wife knows and is guarded in her response. I’ve told no one else since there is no need for them to know at this point. My wife is afraid of losing the “man” she married, and I wonder what happens to the integrated personality that I have known for years. Still there seems to be an ongoing process of discovery that makes sense of the past in ways that did not happen before and a sense that by allowing myself to become Anita at least at times, that I have become more empathetic towards women and trans gendered people. As Anita, I am aware of things that I have not been aware of before. Questions that came up during therapy for an atypical anxiety disorder 30 years ago have answers that make sense. Can I make use of those insights and increased awareness without cross dresssing; without trying to be more openly femnine. The answer is yes. So why continue?
Dressing as a woman feels right. I can’t say why, but it does. I’m not sure that the why matters. Being a man who dresses as a woman and wants to be accepted at least at times as a woman brings a recognition of the vulnerability that is the reality for all people, but easy to gloss over as a white male in a society dominated by white males. It calls into questions all the cultural assumptions of what being male or female means. In a perfect world, people would just be who they are and not confined to categories that are independent of biological differences. That questioning of cultural norms is in my opinion what makes being trans sexual, trans gender, gay, lesbian, or even just a cross dresser so threatening.
There have been frustration in this journey too. The biggest is a sense of knowing that what has made me happier than I’ve been in quite a while cannot be readily shared in my large community for fear of negative repercussions and lack of understanding. I struggle with feelings of playing at being a woman which because of biology never arose in being a man. I realize that as a woman, there are things I will never be able to experience that seem core experiences. But even with the frustrations, there seems something almost mystical in the cross dressing experience. Whatever the future holds, I am thankful to have come this far.
