friend came out to me after 25years. advice?

Hi Beverly. Welcome to CDH.

I think the best piece of advice I can offer for you: You've known your friend for 30 years. Presumably, that means you think he's pretty awesome. This revelation he shared with you doesn't really change what you know about him, in the grand scheme of things. His sense of right and wrong hasn't changed; his loyalty hasn't changed; his sense of humor hasn't changed; his favorite foods and beverages haven't changed; his taste in movies, books, games, etc hasn't changed.

All that really has changed is that you know he trusts you deeply enough to share this secret with you. He was probably scared to death to tell you, but felt you needed to know since he's currently living with you.

As for some resources...  I've seen a lot of people recommend a few books. I haven't read them yet, nor has my wife. So perhaps take these recommendations with a small grain of salt:

My Husband Wears My Clothes by Peggy Rudd

and

My Husband Betty: Love, Life, and Sex with a Crossdresser by Helen Boyd

I've seen both recommended multiple times; they currently reside on my "wish list" to pick up at some point in the future. Perhaps they'd make good reading material for you even though he's your friend rather than partner.

Be his friend. Apologize for your reaction, and explain why you had it. Then, listen if he wants to talk. Not hear him, but listen to him. Process what he says. Your psych background will serve you well here, I think. It may also help you figure out why you had the reaction you did. But again, he's the same person post-confession as he was pre-confession.

Good luck, to you and your friend!

Thank you for your response. I think it is my hang up and I think it was from an other bad experience. I think I will definitely let my friend know. I have spread apologized to him for my reaction. I told him I love him anyway he is. Hugs. Thanks again 😊

Good luck, Beverly. He's lucky to have a caring friend.

Hi Beverly, I could not have said it better than Rose. Just be the friend you always have been, it is a shock for most people when a man starts expressing his desire to dress as a woman. I can't tell you why because I do and don't know why.

Rachel

Hi Beverly,

You've been given some really good responses so already you have things to consider. One thing I'd like to mention is that in many ways your friend isn't making choices as much as doing what he feels he needs to do. Sometimes a person's crossdressing, to whatever degree they do so, is a bit easier to understand when it's seen as addressing an emotional need rather than simply deciding to do so.

Your friend has an amazing asset that not every CD has - a friend like you. Your willingness to accept and try to understand his needs will have a very positive effect on him.

Crossdressers have many reasons for maintaining whatever 'day-to-day' appearance they do. In my case I had a beard for many years and my behaviour was very much calculated to help my denial of what I then believed was a mental illness. When I finally came to accept that there's actually nothing wrong with what I like to do and, more importantly, how it makes me feel, I was able to allow myself to endeavour to achieve a more feminine look when I crossdressed. He obviously has great trust in you so I think that if you talk to him openly and honestly you'll be able to work out what suits him best.

In the meantime, have a read through some of the articles on the site, they present many points of view and might offer some solutions or options for you both.

Best wishes.

So you dont want to share your clothes?

Why would there be an expectation that Beverly should share her clothes? She has sought help to understand and support her friend and is looking for real help. I can't see how your comment can do that June.

Thanks again everyone. I actually had a aha moment I was triggered back to a time when I was in a abusive relationship and my man started stealing my clothes cutting them up and wearing them in front of me. So no I don't want to think of sharing my clothes and now I spoke with my friend about it we have helped each other. Love is a very powerful tool to mend and inspire. So this is my share back. Love to yall.

Hi Beverly welcome with us
Catherine

2016_introductions new members: Beverly farrell original post: 

He is one of my dearest friends for more like 30 years. To my surprise I kinda freaked out. I don’t want to do that. I accept other peoples choices. I hope someone here could help me not only accept him calmly but to encourage his choices. He says his anxieties go away when he dresses up. I guess where I am confused is inspirations for clothes. He doesn’t say he wants to look like a woman, he doesn’t put makeup on. He has some hair loss and a beard. He has shaved his legs. Well I just need help on how to be supportive for him. Maybe some good inspirational web sites? For both of us. He lives with me temporarily. I am in school studying psychology so I do love people. All people. I guess I am confused with the two gender look. I’m sure someone could help simplify this for me. Please don’t be rude but I can take the truth. God bless everyone.