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Hello, All. My story is similar to so many others here. I wanted to be a girl from a very young age and "discovered" crossdressing when I was 8 or 9. When I was young, there was no information about what I was going through, much less support. Even the language around gender didn't exist.
it has taken a lifetime of research and reading to understand who I am. I love to wear women's clothes whenever I can. I would love to take my transition further but I am not willing (or, probably, courageous) enough to make such changes at this point in my life.
I am married and have two grown sons and do not want to put them through the changes they would have to make to accommodate me. So, I continue to be in the closet. My wife knows about my crossdressing and does not want to be involved with it.
I am beginning to see and understand the effects of gender dysphoria on the totality of my existence: the anger and bitterness, the despair and angst, the loneliness and sadness. That is what I need to continue to deal with through meditation and therapy. Self-acceptance has been the major challenge of my life because who I am has not been understood, nor accepted, by me and those around me.
Throughout my experience with being transgender and crossdressing, I have managed to stay positive for the most part and continue to look for opportunities to further my sensitivity and understanding - and try to have a good time doing it!
Thank you.
Molly Maguire
Hello Molly,
Welcome to Crossdresser Heaven. Accepting who we are, and all that goes with it, can often be the greatest challenge we face. Here you'll find many people who can truly understand how you feel for they too have faced the demons of doubt, shame and guilt. Acceptance and support flow from those you'll meet here.
Not everyone will transition to full womanhood so there is no reason why we can't live happy and confident lives just enjoying however we choose to express our femininity. The fact that your wife knows you crossdress means that at least you are no longer secretive. I believe that in those circumstances we are not secretive, we are simply discreet in our dressing.
Feel free to explore the site, talk to people via post, messages and even chat. Together we can help you make each day a positive experience. Also, even though you tell us that your wife does not want to be involved in your crossdressing, she too can find information and support here. She too deserves support to help her understand the needs of the person she loves.
Best wishes,
Jane
Wow Molly! Great post! ANd except for still being married, I Could have written nearly the same story about myself! 2 grown kids(in my case a son and daughter 22 and 23); spent much of my youth in what we quaintly called a "public library" 🙂 researching crossdressing and transgender/transsexalism (I remember the index #s HQ77 for crossdressing and RC 560 for transsexualism(Library of Congress numbering-I think Dewey Decimal was 306.71 and 616.8583--how is THAT for memory? 🙂 )I too spent most of my life form age 11 til recently as a closeted crossdresser-fairly certain that I was NOT likely to ever go further than that.(especially since arousal was still the main feature and after releasing that "pressure" I Would feel intense gult and shame and immediately have to take eerything off and that would ameliorate the urges for a whil(days or weeks)
Until recently that is! In the last 4-5 years, the urges to dress have intensified and the frequency increased greatly as well. I underdress every day in panties and trouser socks and hugely increased my feminine wardrobe. The arousal was still an important part but now actually wanting to try and present a full feminine appearance has become the major part of what drives me to dress.
NOw that the last kid is gone from the house, I have been dressing every night and considering going out in public as Cynthia. I've driven around at night while dressed completely but not interacted with anyone yet. I found this site about 2-3 months ago an it has been like a lifeline to me. I have accepted that the crossdressing and my femininity is part of who I am-perhaps the main part. I am still on a journey of explanation to determine my ultimate path. Whether that remains crossdressing but in public part or full time, or living 24/7 as female or even going through full transition with or without surgery and hormones. But at age 50 I am still wary of taking that next step. I'm fairly certain that someday soon Cynthia WILL go out in public and let the world see her and talk to her. Beyond that however, I fear the same things you do about how it would affect my kids and my siblings and their SOs and nieces/nephews. I know I would not move that far until after my daughter gets married and I walk her down the aisle-I wouldn't miss that for the world!
So here we are! I hope that wasn't too long a reply but wanted you to know you're not alone! FEel free to PM me anytime with questions/comments or whatever. And browse the groups, forums and member ages as well. You'll find lots of great people who are similar to you and if you're lucky make some new friends!
Cynthia
Hello Molly,
Well my Girls have sais it all well already. I will just add that this is truly a community of a blend of ladies in different stages of their journey. Reach out and you will make friends and there is a HUGE support network here. So welcome!
Codille Benton
Ambassador and Friend
