Hi everyone, I'm Ron, but please call me Nora!

I am so glad to have found this website! Vanessa's emails have been an absolute inspiration, and a new found courage.

I have been a closet crossdresser all my life. One of my first memories is having done something wrong in the kitchen, and my mom sending me to "time out" (not what it was called in the 60's); she left me there for a while, and I decided to try on her nylons. She came in on me about a half an hour later (again, this was the 60's) dressed in her nylons, and said "Well, since you have been doing this, I guess it's okay for you to go back to the living room."

My mom is a self proclaimed liberal (read boll weevil), and we never talked about it again. Literally. To this day, even though it was apparent she knew when I was in junior high, she has _never_ broached the subject.

My dad was actually a liberal, but a serious homophobe. Nevertheless, he was the one who eventually brought up my crossdressing, when I had returned (unsuccessfully) from college, and had moved into his "garage" (for lack of a better term...) It was a fairly private space, so I took advantage, but he knew what was going on. One afternoon, he called me over, and let me know that, although he was obligated to love me, he absolutely hated what was going on....

Things happened, and passed; eventually, I met an absolutely amazing woman, and asked her to marry me. Almost every relationship I had to that point had been unsuccessful, but this time it really was right (or so I thought). My mistake was that I didn't tell her who I really was.

We were married for almost 13 years. At first, I thought, "I have found true love, I don't need to crossdress anymore!" But this was self denial.... After a few years, when she was away at a conference, I decided to take a little "mad money" I had saved, and spend it on new clothes and shoes... (BTW, I am a total shoes girl! I would totally be Emelda Marcos if I had the money!)

Long story short, She found out, and divorced me. The truly sad part is that if I had been honest from the beginning, she may have embraced it, she is a kind and understanding woman. It don't think it was the actual crossdressing, but the fact that I lied about it and hid it from her that hurt her.

Skip forward about five years....

I am so much more confident than I was just a few years ago! I took to underdressing about four years ago, and started wearing perfume about a year ago. A few weeks ago, I purchased my first women's jeans (till now, it has all been skirts and leggings I have worn only in private), and wore them to work. One of my friends commented that she wished she could get away with wearing skinny jeans to work, and I think I ended up beaming all day!

I have committed now to never buying men's clothes again. Please understand, I am male, and happy to be a man, but I am a man who very desperately wants to look like a woman! I want to start transitioning into wearing women's clothes, doing makeup, wearing wigs, etc., and I honestly believe my work will be okay with that (Yes, I know they are not "allowed" to discriminate on the basis of gender identity issues, but I think they will actually be accepting, not just tolerant). My kids are young enough to accept, but old enough to understand, and my ex (who is now a very close friend), will come to accept it, eventually. The rest of the world can go to hedoublehockyesticks as far as I'm concerned.

Nevertheless, I am scared, I have kept it such a secret for so much of my life, and I have a hard time getting over that.... Does anyone have any advice, any insights, any wisdom, any experience that might help?

Nora McLeod
Albuquerque NM